Decision to make

The second week of July will mark six months since Sir wandered into my life.

It all started with a post to CarolinaBDSM that I was thinking of looking for a Dom again after 6 mos out of the community all together. Then a denied "add" on my yahoo messenger. I usually deny adds to my messenger list if I don't recognize the screen name and his is so terribly tacky that I denied it immediately. Thankfully, he sent an email directly to me and we started talking. It's a little disconcerting that I nearly missed him because of that ridiculous screen name.

It has been a somewhat contentious six months. We've had our ups and downs as we got used to being in each other's lives. The worst was learning how to communicate with each other in a way that the other understood. We're both emotional beings and we clash often because of it. Since the "Big Talk" however, I have noticed him making a concerted effort to include me in his thoughts and make sure I understand rather than using his "need to know" policy and assuming I'm okay. I know that I have been trying very hard to hope instead of expect and to accept what I receive from him as enough without second guessing any of it. I've been happier and much more content since that shift.

Now I need to decide if I want to do something that he's requested twice. I do not address Sir as Master. Master is a word that, to me, entails so much more than Sir. It implies ownership. Without a collar of any kind from Sir, I don't know that I feel comfortable calling him Master. I do know that I am uncomfortable in public lifestyle events without him because I do not have a collar...I feel untethered, lost. I've told him this, but I know his feelings on collars and I don't see them changing. He did give me permission to wear a choker to our last meet and greet, even if that permission came too late.

So I will be thinking about this for the next week to decide if I will change how I address him and what that will mean.

Communication

As someone who checks her email several times a day, it is hard for me to understand letting it go for whole days at a time.

And that is exactly what he does sometimes. There have been weeks when he only glances at his mail to see if there is anything pressing and he only does that once or twice. That would drive me nuts and with the lists I'm on, it would fill up even the 10mg my ISP gives me.

The problem is that I often send an email because I still feel funny about calling his house too often. I usually call him as I am arriving in town and leave a message on his voice mail. He is then free to call me back when he gets home and has time. I rarely call his cell phone because I know it is expensive for him and I don't want to disturb him at work. Even when he tells me to call him at work, I feel funny doing it...I get that sinking, spinning feeling in my stomach like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

I miss being able to write him letters. But after the "Big Talk" we determined that I was using the letters as an excuse not to talk to him in person and he said no more. Immediately prior to the "Big Talk" someone had stolen one of my letters from his mailbox...probably his psycho hose beast ex-mother in law. So that meant I could no longer mail them and had to be careful about leaving them for him at his house. The last thing I want is to be the reason social services makes a play to take his children from him. Yes, he's divorced. Yes, he's a fabulous father. But we all know how the "state" feels about WIITWD. And in his case, the psycho hose beast ex-mother in law doesn't even want Sir to have a girlfriend. Imagine what she would do with the information that this "girlfriend" was married and let him flog her.

I miss him. That's what this whole thought process is about. Since the "Big Talk" we've spent some really nice time together, talking and learning more and more about each other. I have discovered that I really like that time.

I can still feel my collar on my neck, his skin under my hands as I sat on the floor beside his couch touching him while we talked of music and memories and mundane things. Those are moments I like to savor. Not that standing before him as he plunged two fingers into me and pulled my nipples until my back arched and my knees almost gave way is a bad memory *weg*. But the quiet times when there is no pressure are so rare that I treasure each moment.

I had a scary thought that day, though. As I lay my head on his knee, soothing him after a minor upset disrupted part of the afternoon, I remember thinking, "I could love him if he'd let me." That is not a good thought and I don't know what to do with it. I know he cares for me, but I also know that he is afraid to love me because I'm married. He's told me that he's not sure how to handle what I feel for him because he's afraid of getting in too deep. That day was one of the ones where I could feel his emotions clearly. When he takes my face and turns it to him to kiss, when he doesn't even flinch as my nails bite into his shoulder as he removes the clamps, when his eyes tell me he cares for me...those are the things I know in my heart and soul. Those are the things he does without thinking or calculating. It is the things he does to distance me...kissing my forehead and stepping back before I leave...that feel calculated.

This has gotten long and rambly and doesn't even match the subject line anymore :).

Just thinking

Sir asked me to arrange a threesome for his birthday.

I know of only one person who I could arrange this with on such short notice...AD. She's a nice woman and all, but somewhere deep inside I have some small alarm bells going off as I plan this thing. She's very clingy, very needy and extremely consuming when she's in the room.

My question to myself is...am I hesitant to include her in the birthday celebration for selfish reasons or because the last thing Sir needs is someone who might make a nuisance of herself later? If I'm honest, it's selfish reasons. I would love nothing more than a quiet (or not so quiet) day with him. It isn't that I'm afraid he'll decide he likes her better...I am not. I want his birthday to be fun and what he's hoping for. He told me he's asked for a threesome for years for his birthday and no one has ever given him one. I'd like to do that for him.

I asked if the obvious choice...S (Sir's girlfriend) would be interested. Apparently she prefers that I just stay in the shadows of his life and not meet her in the light. She knows I'm there, but wants nothing to do with me. If I'm honest with myself, that really hurts. I can think of many ways the two of us might work together to make Sir's life happy and healthy rather than segregating it into her time, my time and family time. Again...honestly....since my time always comes last maybe if she and I were friends that wouldn't happen so often.

I have been working very hard at being more laid back, at hoping rather than expecting. I think I'm doing well, but sometimes little things strike my heart...

Looking into your master's eyes

This topic came up on a list I am on (DsKiosk).

Funny that this topic should come up. Now, I have not been in the lifestyle all that long...only about 18 or 19 months...and I've been involved with two Dominants. The first was very lax. He didn't discipline me, didn't give me very many rules beyond what I was to call him etc.
Sir, on the other hand, is rather strict. Or at least he has been with his submissives in the past. He scared the beejeezus out of me in our first scene (for which my husband was present) because I moved without asking and he reprimanded me.
It was only later that he told me I was the only submissive he had ever allowed to look him in the eyes during a scene. I did it because I am an eye person...I want to see the expression in your eyes to know what you are thinking and feeling. It never occurred to me that I shouldn't look him in the eyes. (They are a wonderful deep blue, btw :) ).
Now that I know it is a privilege he grants to me, I am more conscious of when I do it. The fact that he can close my eyes (just run his hand over them) and I will keep them that way no matter what comes next, I think has a lot to do with his continued permission to look into his.
The only time I have ever had trouble with this and Sir was the one time I seriously disappointed him. His comment, "Don't you turn those doe eyes on me," was part of the worst punishment he could ever have come up with...letting me know how disappointed he was.
Eyes are such wonderful windows. I can understand how being in this lifestyle would teach someone not to look into someone's eyes, but without those windows, a great deal of my empathic link with people would be broken.

BY THE WAY

I did tell Sir that I believed I had not sent him a report on the meet and greet at least subconsciously on purpose. He asked if I had done it to "punish" him for not attending and I told him that no, I hadn't done it for that reason. I had done it because I was curious as to what he would do if I didn't do it. The reports are something I do because I thought he might like to know what happened, not something he requested. But I guess after doing them each time, it has become something he expects. I was curious to know if he would punish me, he didn't. He mentioned that I was not one of the submissives who required constant correction and asked if that was what I wanted. I told him, no, but that he could have more control if he wanted it.

More from Wednesday

I think there is a space limit for posts, so I started a new one to avoid problems :).

We spent a couple of hours talking, touching, kissing, etc. (I know...it's the etc. that's interesting, but the details are still fuzzy for me right now.) We listened to music, talked about the music we listened to as teenagers. We talked about the pictures I had posted for him to see of me from high school. See, he's shown me his high school picture. I told him as a teenager, he was the kind of guy I dated. As an adult, he is the kind of guy I dreamed of dating in high school. I showed him the pictures so he could see the boys I spent time with. He complimented me by saying the High School me was the kind of girl he'd have "given his left nut" to date :). Looking at those pictures made me think very seriously about losing weight again. When I was that age, I didn't think I was beautiful, but looking at them now, I see that I really was.

Anyway, the afternoon passed in a mostly blissful haze of quiet together time with the occassional phone call or pinched nipple :). I did clean out the toybag, but not until he informed me that I would do so while wearing nipple clamps. My poor nipples are still a little tender. I didn't want to do a shoddy job and my husband called in the middle of the cleaning, so they were on there for a half hour, forty-five minutes. And clover clamps with a snap ring holding them down are viscious after that much time. :). Sir let me hold onto him (rather tight and by my nails at the end) as he took them off.....he can make the taking off take forever.

When I got home, R and I had another talk about his fears that JD will hurt me again. I can't explain to him, or make him understand that something HAS changed in JD. He has been doing everything within his power to be certain the things that hurt me are not happening again. He's going so far as to be utterly black and white about things (a trait R has that infuriates me), but it shows that whether his intent was to hurt me in the first place, he is recognizing that the behaviors he engaged in were hurtful to me.

R asked me to throw a tarot spread on the situation to try to help him see what I'm seeing. He wanted me to interpret the cards, then he would do the same and we would both see the same situation. I thought it was a fairly good idea. My cards are about the only "accurate" divination method I have. My pendulum seems always to tell me only what I want to hear as opposed to the truth. Anyway, I lay out the spread.

It showed a lot of things, but overall it showed an end to strife and a coming together of emotion, intellect, and passions. Ultimately it looks as though I am on the right path...that I am right to begin to trust in JD again. R saw it too and admitted that while he interpreted one card a little differently than I might, he would trust my opinion.

It is so hard to have my husband angry with JD for hurting me. It's hard because I can't fix it. I can't make R see that JD does care for me, is concerned with my well being and is changing the behaviors that brought us to the place we were in two weeks ago. The tarot spread seems to have helped this a bit.

Anyway, I need to check my bruises...I can feel a couple on my neck, but I don't see any on my breasts or shoulders. Did I mention that Sir likes to bite? God I love to hear him growl as he bites me :).

Wednesday

Yesterday was certainly interesting :).

Only one student showed for class so I listened to her presentation and then sent her home to work on her final exam (it's due Friday). That class has been so utterly frustrating. The soldiers in the class routinely arrived without books, paper or writing utensils. This is the first class I've taught at the college level where students would not do their homework. Of the 8 that started out in the class only two will pass. Two will receive incompletes and will likely fail because I have only had one or two students complete the work necessary to change the incomplete to a passing grade. The rest will fail. Anyone who earns less than a C will have to pay back their tuition assistance money.

After the student left, I sat and worked on the new non-piercing nipple jewelry design. I saw it on a website and thought, "I can do that!" so I did :). I'll post pics later today.

Then I had the lunch date with erissa and pepper. It was a cute little restaurant, but I wasn't terribly hungry. I had a salad. They had stromboli (which was nothing near what I make...mine is BETTER lol) and pizza and bread with alfredo sauce. I knew better than to indulge. I didn't want a sick stomach later in the afternoon. The conversation was mostly inane. I stayed out of it. They did try a couple of times to draw me into commiserating with erissa over the situation with Gloria, Emm, Elizabeth, and TALON, but I didn't bite. I'll be honest, I could care less about that kind of political crap. Sandhills is non-political and will stay that way...thank you very much. erissa even tried baiting me by mentioning that Gloria had mentioned someone named "J" and wanted to know if JD was still seeing her. I told her that to my knowledge he hadn't talked to her in months. In fact, he and I had just mentioned that fact to each other when he was talking about what to expect from erissa at this lunch...that he knew Gloria was somehow involved in the crap and that he hadn't heard from her in months...I haven't hear from her since right after she was allowed to come back to the Sandhills list (BTW...I kept all of this to myself...it was just ironic).

R called as I sat down with erissa and pepper. He wanted to tell me he didn't get any more contracts and that the ass from SafetyKleen was scoping his contacts. There is absolutely no honor in these people.

JD called just as we were finishing up lunch. I had been just about to get up from the table when my phone rang. I hope they didn't think I was being too rude as I rushed out of the restaurant to go to him :). I DID warn them that I was waiting for that phone call :).

I arrived at his home to find him shouting into his cell phone. It is always disconcerting to me to find him upset. Let's be honest..he's 6'6", I'm 5'2". If he wanted to, or couldn't control himself, he could seriously hurt me. I admit that my first thought was "Dammnit, what emergency is going to ruin this afternoon's visit." Turns out it was just his daughter on the ex's cell and they were losing the signal. He apologized for me having to arrive to see him that way.

As always, I hesitated to undress. I had locked the screen door on my way in, but there is something about walking into his home and stripping without a definite command from him that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like undressing without his command is assuming his wishes even though he has told me he would tell me if he didn't want me to undress. So I stood there for a moment, uncomfortable and waiting until he asked if I was going to undress. I did so immediately.

He stretched out on the couch and I sat on the floor beside him. He's very aware of and concerned about my problems with kneeling, so it isn't required, though I try to do it when I can. My feet fall asleep rather easily when I kneel and my legs and/or feet cramp up...none of which is conducive to a fun afternoon. He looked through the Smith and Wesson catalogue I'd brought him from MB while I touched and scratched his legs and chest (around the towel rap I made him in January). When he finished reading the catalogue, he beckonned me close and reached under the couch for the collar I haven't seen in so very long.

"I wanted you to remember how this felt."

Those words...God, can I explain how that made me feel? After everything we've been through in the past two or three months, to hear him say this, to see the look in his eyes, to hear the tone of his voice...all the doubts fled, all the harsh emotions parted to leave room for trust and belief once again.

I lifted my hair and let him settle the collar around my neck. The weight was comforting. The kisses were sweet and very welcome.

He leaned back on the couch again to tell me the "chores" he wanted me to do for him that afternoon. My task was going to be to straighten out his toybag (which was a total disaster) and clean the "cleanable" toys. When I moved to start working on this, he asked me what the rush was and why I'd stopped touching him. He really enjoys relaxing as I run my nails all over his body. I love to touch him so I never mind :).

Something to tickle you

I wrote this after a scene with Sir.

You look at me, a heavy, serious expression on your face. My heart trips just a touch. I ask you what you are so serious about.
"I was wondering if you were ready for a KFF."
Desire and fear mix into a heady draught that curls my toes. I remember the sharp stabs of pleasure your description of a KFF brought me the time we'd discussed it online. The thought of being bound and kneeling before you leaves me weak.
"I won't know until we try," I say softly.
You send me to find your toy bag.
"Find wrist cuffs, the strap and a collar," You tell me.
I kneel on the edge of the bed and dig into the bag. My hands find the strap easily, the heavy leather and metal weighing down my thoughts as I imagine my hands pinned behind me by it. The cuffs are buried in the bottom of the bag. I lay those on the bed and you snatch them up. I find a collar with a ring on the back and hand it to you.
You buckle the collar around my neck, making certain to tighten it to a snug fit. Your hands come around my body, finding and massaging my breasts. You pull my nipples, stretching them to ultra-sensitive points.
Roughly, you grasp my wrist and buckle the cuff to it. Your lips are on my neck, biting, kissing, sending long tendrils of pleasure rushing through my body. You grasp my nipples again, pulling hard, and I moan, thrusting my breasts forward while arching my back.
You take my left hand, buckling the cuff around the wrist after shushing me. Your voice has changed. It's rougher, fuller, and it sends chills down my back.
"Stand."
I stand before you, my hands twisting together before I realize they should be by my sides. I drop them, consciously unclenching my fists. You cross to your kitchen table where you find a bag.
"You didn't really believe you would leave here without allowing me to try out your gifts, did you?"
"No, Sir."
Fear sends tiny chills up my spine. I trust you, but I am still afraid of the pain. You shake the two floggers out from the bag, weighing them and toying with me.
"Close your eyes." Your hand covers my eyes and brushes over my face. My eyes are sealed as well as if they had been covered. You tilt my head back and tell me to wait that way.
I wait, anxiety building, for the first blow. Which flogger will you choose? The sting is mild, but startling. The blows rain upon my breasts, making them more and more sensitive. My back arches, thrusting my breasts forward to receive the blows you deliver with increasing speed.
When you stop, I am panting. I have no idea which flogger you chose, though I suspect it was the grey one. Either way, the stimulation has left me shaking and wet.
You step behind me and I hear the click of metal on metal. My heart thunders in my chest. The weight of the strap pulls on my neck as you clip it to the collar. You pull my left hand behind me and secure it to the strap, then repeat the process with my right. The muscles in my shoulders stretch and I settle into the bonds.
You tighten the strap, taking the slack from it and lifting my hands to just below the small of my back. You pull my body against yours. I open my hands when I feel your cock against them. You roughly massage my breasts, slapping them and pulling the nipples again. My breath becomes ragged as my body responds to your touch.
You step in front of me, grasping my hair and pulling my head sharply to the side. Your teeth nip harshly on my throat and I moan. I feel both vulnerable and safe as you continue your possession of my body and mind. My eyes are still closed and I have not even considered opening them since you brushed your hand over them.
"Spread your legs."
My body trembles as I obey your command. I moan, throwing my head back as you finger slips into my pussy, unerringly finding and rubbing my clit. My hips rock as the pleasure wells up from inside. I whimper when you withdraw your hand, and then suck vigorously on the finger you thrust between my lips, tasting myself, craving more of you.
"You want this, don't you?" You ask.
"Yes, Sir."
"Kneel."
I carefully lower my body to kneel before you. I am acutely aware of my bound hands as I assume the position you require.
"Stick out your tongue."
I obey and am rewarded by you rubbing your cock on my lips and tongue. Your hand brushes over my hair, pushing back the tendrils that have escaped my barrette. Suddenly you thrust your cock deep into my throat. I moan around it, thrilling at the sense of utter possession in your action. I try to suckle your dick, but you withdraw, telling me to let you do the work here.
Your flesh fills my throat again, and then withdraws. You tease me, laying your cock against my lips and withdrawing when I reach for you with my mouth. When I believe you will tease me to distraction, you grasp my head and thrust sharply and deeply.
You continue to thrust in and out of my mouth, filling me, possessing me, leaving me weak when you withdraw. I know only a moment of panic when I feel as though I cannot breathe before you groan loudly and with draw completely.
Heat splashes my face and body. You lay your cock on my tongue and I suck the last of your cum from it. Your growls pull at me, bringing warm waves of pleasure up from my belly as I swallow the cum you've given me.

From June 25th

I wrote this entry last night while my students were working on papers.

I talked to JD this afternoon for more than half an hour. That's actually quite a long time for us to talk on the phone. Usually I end up talking to his voice mail or we talk for a few minutes before one of us has to be somewhere else.

He told me he'd had a terrible weekend. Apparently, his daughter has failed the sixth grade. I gave him all the information I could about possible courses of action. I told him if she failed because of absences, he could appeal that. He told me she has been identified as ADHD and had an IEP, which he and the school signed at the beginning of the year. If that is the case and the teachers did not fulfill their responsibilities as far as L's IEP, then he can appeal her grades and the failure on those grounds. Basically I told him that if there were any reason for the failure other than her inability to do the required work, the decision could be appealed. It won't be easy, but I am sure he will get what he needs for his daughter. I also offered to tutor her in English if she needs it. I'm happy to do anything like that...anything to make something in his life easier and less complicated. I would also love to meet his children. I know he's leery of it because of the problems L has caused with other women he's been involved with, but I would be "safe" as far as that is concerned. I would be the "married friend" of her daddy. She already knows of me since I've made her gifts for various things that have come up. She's also seen her dad talk to me online; I think she even saw me and my husband on the Cam one night (clothed and decent of course). She's also heard him talk to me on the phone a few times. I wish there were more I could do to help sometimes, but at least I had some good information for him about the failure and end of grade exams.

While we talked, JD brought up the fact that I had not sent him a report about the Meet and Greet from Saturday. I told him about it on the phone, but I also was thinking about why I didn't send the report as I have done for every other event I've gone to or hostessed. I have to be entirely honest with myself and admit that I didn't send the report this time because I wanted to see what he would do. I intend to tell him this when I see him tomorrow. I don't know for certain why I was "rebelling" this way other than I think I was curious as to what his reaction might be, but it is only fair for me to tell him that I did it on purpose. I don't know what kind of response that might get, but whatever it is, I deserve it.

I told him about my lunch plans for tomorrow. He wasn't pleased. I knew he likely wouldn't be, but I made them and I'm keeping them. erissa wants to buy some handcuff keychains and since I was going to be in the city anyway, I asked if she wanted to meet with me rather than paying the shipping. I know what JD thinks of erissa and why, but I didn't think having lunch with her and pepper would be a problem. I like pepper...just because she is Mikelos's slave doesn't mean I have to stop liking her. So I'm meeting them at Bella Villa tomorrow for lunch.

JD made me promise, several times, not to get involved in any of the "politics" the two of them might bring up during the meal. erissa tends to be a trouble maker...in fact she and her Master tried to drag me into something a few weeks back because the people he bitched to me about in an email were stirring up trouble...he assumed I had told them of the email he sent to me...accused me of gossiping...he later apologized, but it bothered me that he'd assumed the worst of me first.

Apparently Gloria...who I will not even discuss after what she did...tried to get erissa kicked out of TALON and JD is afraid erissa and pepper will corner me into saying something I'll later regret. It isn't that he thinks I gossip, it's just that he knows these people better than I do and is worried that they will take something I say innocently and drag me into the argument and problems with it. I actually intend to have a cold drink, make the sale and tell them that I have to go to meet John.

And that's the great news about the phone call today...JD has made time to see me tomorrow and already has plans for me. Something about me, naked, on my hands and knees with my ass in the air. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. He was teasing me about the blowjob I told him about last week...I offered to stop and take care of him, but he said he'd just save it for tomorrow.

I have a feeling that perhaps I might get a bit of punishment tomorrow when I tell him about purposely not sending the report of the Meet and Greet. I will remember to talk to him about that.

Disturbing dream

I just woke up from a dream that left me shaking.

I was helping JD with his daughter...getting information on how to appeal her absences and things like that (a real life situation). As I was leaving the school, I received a phone call. It was a woman who identified herself as Gladys or Glenys...my dream brain identified her as JD's ex-mother-in-law. She called me horrible names and threatened to tell people nasty things about me if I didn't get over to JD's ex-wife's house. She was doing this because she knew how angry JD would be to find me there.

I went in order to placate the woman. She met me there...verbally abused me some more...and went somewhere else in the house when JD arrived with his daughter. The daughter was okay with me being there. I begged JD not to be angry until he could hear the explanation of why I was there. He agreed and I made dinner for the two of them.

Later, he put his daughter to bed and I told him why I was there. He was angry with the ex-mother-in-law and went looking for her. We ended up outside with a bunch of biker types who accepted me with no qualms and ostracized the ex-mother-in-law.

I don't know for certain why this dream is bothering me so much. I don't even know if Gladys or Glenys is the woman's name...I'm sure I heard the name at least once but I don't know for sure. I just know that I feel uncomfortable about it and I woke up shaking.

Contact and feedback

I had written this for an email group and came across it in my sent mail folder.

I don't think you are alone in these feelings at all. So much of what and who we are as submissives is tied to the feedback we receive from our Dominants. When we don't receive that feedback, we get uncomfortable.

I know I often feel as though I've done something wrong when I don't hear from my Dominant when he says he'll call or email. The doubts come and I lose faith in myself and my ability to be what he needs me to be (not that what he wants is any different from what I normally am, it's just that I get insecure).

So often all I need is for him to say "Everything is okay." and it really is.

******More on this Topic******
I hope no one felt as though I was excluding Dominants from having needs that should be fulfilled as a part of a relationship, that was certainly not my intention :).

I think perhaps, however, that submissives are often left feeling as though they do not have the "right" (and I know I'll regret using that word lol) to request attention when they are feeling a need for it. I can really only speak for myself in this matter, but as Cahn pointed out, life often intrudes. Who am I to say that my need for reassurance is more important than anything else in my Dominant's life? That is how I usually feel about stepping up and insisting on attention or contact...that I am expecting him to set aside whatever has kept him from me in order to meet that need for me...I don't think I have that right.

That's not to say I sit and wait for contact. It also doesn't mean that I don't feel hurt and lost when things step between us that are beyond the control of both of us. It is to say that priorities are set at the beginning of a relationship and while He is second on my list (after my husband), I know there are other priorities in his life that I must, of necessity, come after. Because I know this, asking for reassurance or contact is extremely hard for me.

Just the ramblings of a submissive who has actually spent a lot of time working with this issue.
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I still feel this way. Contact with JD is so important to me. More important that I think he knows. It's almost as though I go through withdrawl when i don't hear from him. If I do hear from him...I'm good for at least a couple of days. After that time, though, I need to hear from him again or I start to get antsy and the anxiety levels crank up again.

I hope to hear from him this week and really hope we'll have time to get together :).

Fantasies

Last week something got into me...don't know what it was.

I saw JD on Thursday for a bit and after I left, I wrote this for him because I couldn't seem to articulate these ideas when he asked me about them.

I really enjoyed spending some time with you today. I really do like being with you for quiet time like we had today.
Anyway, I got the impression that since I couldn't articulate what was on my mind and in my fantasies that I should write them and send them to you.
One of the most tingle-inducing images I've had lately goes back to our last scene and what transpired afterward. I have this picture of you kneeling behind me, thrusting your cock deep into me. I can feel you stretching my body open under the onslaught of your thrusts. My pussy is throbbing now as I remember the feel of you inside me, pulsing as your orgasm overtakes you.
Your hand wrapped into my hair last week left me weak. I can feel your power, you possession when you do that. I love when you take possession of me, pulling my head back by my hair, exposing my neck for you to sink your teeth in. The feel of your teeth on my breasts, the strength of your hand on my flesh...all of these things make me tremble. I can nearly orgasm remembering the times you've done these things to me.
I wanted so very much to crawl up between your legs this afternoon. I wanted to run my hands up your thighs, pushing the towel up as I moved toward your groin. I love the spicy scent of your skin and the way that scent fills my senses as I nibble on the skin at the joint of your hip.
I wanted to run my nails over your cock and listen to your breathing change. I wanted to watch it twitch and grow beneath my touch before I lowered my head to tongue and nibble your balls. I love the sensuousness of your skin between my teeth. There is something so incredible about the taste of that skin when it is drawn taut under my teeth. It is sweeter then than at any other time.
I wanted to be able to lean up and engulf your cock with my mouth. I'd begin by licking it slowly from the base to the head, and then I'd slowly lover my mouth over your cock, sucking it in, massaging it with my tongue until my nose was buried against your groin and I could use the muscles of my throat to continue the massage.
I wanted to suck your cock slowly and thoroughly as I listend to your groans and felt your cock throb with each beat of your heart. I wanted to hear that deep rumble that begins in your belly and works its way to your throat as your orgasm builds. I wanted you to sink your hands into my hair and hold my head while you thrust your hips, forcing your cock into my throat. I wanted to hear your most gutteral moan and feel your cock pump as you came in my mouth. I wanted to taste the metallic and salty cum as it shot out of you. I wanted to hold your pulsing cock in my mouth until your body stilled.
I'm trembling thinking about this. I miss you!

Emails from JD

I got a BUNCH of emails from him last night :)

The first was about what I should wear to the Meet and Greet tonight. He also told me I should have let him know about the blowjob I wanted to give him while I was visiting Thursday afternoon. He would have happily obliged me :).

The next email was about my hair, which is to be worn up this evening, and the lack of underwear under the shiny blue dress. *Shivers* I am going to have to be so very careful when sitting, bending, and getting in and out of the Tracker! He also said he was going to send me some pictures.

The pictures came through a few hours later. They were of me (yuck) from our first scene...waaaaaaaaaaay back in January :). Funny, though I usually dislike pictures of myself anyway, the ones he took look better than the ones my hubby took that same day at the same time. One of hubby's pics is the one I'm now using as my default picture. I LOVE that pic because JD is in it. One of the pictures showed the rope marks I inflicted on myself that afternoon. JD was so scared he'd hurt me and they never even bruised. I keep surprising him with how resilient and strong i am. After those marks didn't bruise and after the serious flogging he gave me about a month ago that I took and survived without a single bruise...I think he's learning I'm not as fragile as a lot of folks want me to be :) It's a common misconception folks seem to have about me. I'm quiet and respectful and everyone assumes I'm delicate until something sets me off :)

The last email I got from him was about the frustration I wrote to him about the group. He asked what was frustrating me, so I told him.

He can go days without checking his email and weeks without emailing me. To get four in one day was a real treat.

Meet and Greet Day

Well, it's Saturday. The nail biting can begin.

It seems like every time I plan something, something comes up for EVERYONE else and no one shows up for what I planned. That has been the pattern for all the Meet and Greets so far.

JD won't be coming. His kids had plans for him. However, he did choose my clothing for me for this evening. I'm to wear my new, shiny blue dress (just picked it up last weekend and kind of thought he might like it) and no underwear *yikes*.

I made a new collar last night. I make a lot of them, even though I am not collared. I just sent JD an email asking if it would be okay if I wore it this evening. I always feel so unprotected at these events because he isn't with me. R is a very open and gregarious person...he chats with everyone, wanders off for more coffee and a cigarette, and leaves me alone with the new people...unprotected and unattached. If I wear a collar, even if I know i'm wearing it because I want to be safe rather than because I am collared to JD, I feel safer...people make their own assumptions and take a "hands off" approach then.

I know a lot of folks simply assume that I am collared to JD. I feel like I am, but he has this thing about collaring. He views it as a marriage in the lifestyle and he simply isn't ready or willing to do something like that. I am beginning to tell him how unanchored that makes me feel. Not that I am demanding a collar, but that I am uncomfortable in public lifestyle events without him or some symbol of him. The fact that he chose my clothing, hair style, and lingerie for this evening means a lot to me and I think (though I will ask because thinking and knowing are two different things) means he understands he has a bit more control and leeway than he might have previously thought.

Yesterday

So, I got to spend about an hour with my Sir yesterday. I had called on Tuesday and Wednesday and left some interesting messages on his voice mail...

and he, in turn, left a cute one on mine yesterday. I called as soon as I got it (sucky cell reception and the fact that I'm roaming when I'm home means I have to call my phone to check messages and I didn't think to do it until I was almost ready to leave for work). I left a message as to when I'd be reachable on the cell and left for work.

He called about 2:10 and said I could come over. Now understand that I have been incredibly horny and having all sorts of lovely erotic dreams about him for FOUR days and what showed up yesterday morning? Right...my cycle started, so I was thinking how to handle this the whole rest of the way to his home.

When I got there, he told me that his ex and the kids would be coming over soon...so that meant we didn't have much time. I was fine with that...saved the embarassment of explaining things *blush*.

He asked me what was up with the messages i'd left and I explained that I missed him and his touch. He asked me to tell him the fantasies i'd mentioned and boy did my face flame. He let me get by without telling him because I told him i'd write them...which I did and sent them to him via email when I got home last night.

We talked about little things while I rubbed and scratched his legs, arms and chest. I love to touch him...he always teases me that I can't be near him without touching him. Yesterday I told him he was absolutely right. He doesn't mind me touching him at all...loves it in fact, though there are certain places I wait for permission to touch...permission that wasn't granted yesterday much to my disappointment.

I jokingly asked him about seeing him at all the week of his birthday...he'd already told me he was taking vacation and likely taking the kids to the beach...but I was actually joking about killing R if i was left with him for 7 days with no respite. JD surprised the hell out of me by saying maybe he'd be able to get away from everyone one day that week to spend it with me! That would be, quite simply, fabulous.

He was still making noises like he'd try to make the meet and greet, though I seriously doubt he will. I asked him which dress I should wear and came home last night to have R take pics to send to him so JD could choose my dress for the evening. In the email i told JD that if he couldn't be there, at least I could dress in a manner that would make him proud to have me represent him.

I guess that's about it. It was a wonderful hour. I left feeling very cared-for. He can be incredibly tender when he chooses to be. The hug at the door when he hems and haws about missing me...he hardly ever just admits that he does...just jokes to cover instead. The kisses that begin on my lips, then my eyes and my forehead. The admonishment to be careful. These are the things i like best about him.

BTW....writing the fantasies made it all worse *sigh*. I may simply have to jump him the next time I see him :-D

What is SM

This was posted to DsKiosk. It is an interesting perspective on some of WIITWD.

by Don Meisen

SM is watching the neighborhood kids play cops and robbers and the look on the face of the one that has maneuvered herself into being the victim - all tied up and the center of attention.

SM is when the belt hits, first it stings like hell, then it's warm.

SM is two guys on a Harley, the front one raunchy and hairy and wearing full leathers, and his passenger in neat Levis, polo shirt, and tennis shoes. 

SM is the lady doctor from out of state that you keep tied up in a cage all weekend, and you invite your friends.

SM is trying to piss while your mistress holds your cock and makes comments.

SM is your slave holding her hair out of the way without being told, as you put on her collar.

SM is the quiet typist by day who turns into a whip-wielding mistress by the night in a professional house of dominance.

SM is the sweat, and wondering if you're going to pass out, and finally letting go.

SM is a pair of tiny gold handcuffs on an expensive dress at the symphony.

SM is Sunday brunch at an SM bar: and even though you're a straight couple, the leathermen know that you're into it too.

SM is the Story of 0, when you've been there, too.

SM is putting in an ad, and you get 55 responses the first week.

SM is making your boyfriend wear a French maid outfit, and serve lunch to you and your two best girlfriends, who are into women's lib.

SM is screaming "THAT'S ONE SIR! THANK YOU SIR!" at the top of your lungs.

SM is the gratitude, all your life, to the person who brought you out.

SM is trying to explain the massive frame and eyebolts to your landlady.

SM is finding the perfect pair of boots.

SM is your new slave, blindfolded, masturbating, and telling his secret fantasies, while you watch and listen to every marvelous detail.

SM is falling asleep with your hands and feet bound -and the dreams.

SM is the guy at the party who asks if he can try on your handcuffs.

SM is the proud African youth in National Geographics, with a skewer through his cheeks, and knowing that you both know what you know.

SM is forgetting to take off your steel cockring, and it sets off the alarm at the airport.

SM is how hot her ass feels when you caress the welts.

SM is putting up with a picky uncertain submissive, novice-new, who does't know how to say what he wants to say; but finally he gets down to it, and takes your breath away with the magnificent totality of his submission.

SM is all the people explaining why SM is so bad, knowing nothing about it, and you want to giggle, because they're so serious.

SM is the perfume of sweaty leather.

SM is your fifth anniversary, and all your friends hold and cuddle you while your lover has a professional piercer put a gold ring through your labia. Afterwards she holds and kisses you, and you'd do anything for her.

SM is Errol Flynn chained by pirates.

SM is the uniform in your closet, waiting for Saturday night.

SM is being absentminded at work on Monday.

SM is being taken downstairs blindfolded and handcuffed. After you're stripped and tied up, the blindfold comes off, and you see it's soundproof.

SM is hurting the one you love, just exactly right.

SM is wondering what your co-executives would say if they knew about the welts and the sticky panties underneath your conservative suit.

SM is wishing you could afford one of everything at the SM shop.

SM is seeing a branding, done right, and marveling "how easy!"

SM is how good your nipples feel when the clamps are perfect; and then the little bite more, and how your nipples adjust to accept that, too.

SM is the humiliation of discovering that your new slave is far more experienced than you are.

SM is spotting an ancient gay masochist on the bus shaved head, faded jacket,heavy chain and padlock around his neck, very clean, tattoos coming out of his collar and cuffs-quiet, upright, proud, centered, and content.

SM is shaking talcum power into your rubber suit.

SM is that sound of the whip as it cuts through the air and the sweet burn when it finally kisses your flesh

SM is the dog dish kept under your desk at the office

SM is seeing the light twinkle in her eyes at the prospect of a good hard spanking, having her hold the crop in her mouth as you do it, on penalty of it's use, and having her drop it on purpose, and you both know it.

SM is the warm caress as He wipes away the tears and the new tears that fall in love and gratitude...

SM is loving someone so completely that you trust them enough to give them your entire being mind body and soul

SM is nervous giggles as you try out the vibrating nipple clamps that turn into erotic whimpers

S&M is the jingling of the d-rings on your 3 inch leather wrist and ankle cuffs as you walk through the grocery store getting things for dinner...

SM is kneeling at your Masters feet wearing a posture collar wrists cuffed to the middle O-ring, kneeling, holding His plate while He eats and you love it

S&M is knowing *exactly* what colors your skin will turn, exactly how many hours later

SM is smiling as you listen to your slave tell you his limits then narrowing your eyes with a secret smile knowing in 2 months he will be begging to go past that limit.

SM is Nipple clamps, strangle games, making her wait and beg before she is allowed to cum, spankings, whippings, ALL OVER THE BODY while she hangs in cuffs from the ceiling

SM is binding so tight it's hard to breathe, leather clothing, latex pajamas, having her sleep on the floor at the end of the bed, hogtied cause she was bad, collars, corsettes, leather sexual combat armour, knife play

SM is branding, tattooing, piercing, ornamental cutting, sharing out, service all day long, she kneeling at the front door waiting for Master to come home, the tears of sadness at a disappointed look, the tears of joy as the whip cuts the flesh

SM is laughing cumming crying and screaming all at once... it's been said that the more emotion you can squeeze into the moment, the better it is.!

SM is the smell of leather clothing. It's asking to go to the bathroom. It's begging to cum and not being allowed to.

SM is having her drop to her knees, in public, in a restaurant when you give her "that" look.

S&M is having your hands cuffed to the rod in the closet, waiting blindfolded for hours for the first exquisite kiss of the crop and cumming immediately - with permission, of course - when it at last occurs...

S&M is falling asleep as she moves against her restraints in bed, and knowing she will lie there and wait for you to get up first, have a shower and then return to untie her.

SM is being careful how one sits and walks at the office the next day

SM is loving her enough to BE ABLE TO HIT HER and to make her cry out in pain, and joy..

SM is finding that which makes her happy, and then using it to pleasure her.

SM is ignoring her for an entire day, as she sits bound in the next room, weeping softly, cause she pissed you off the night before!

SM is picking all her clothing for her, and making her try them on in the store, one outfit at a time, waiting for that nod that says, "yes" buy it.

SM is sitting around with friends and proudly displaying and reminising about your scars...knowing exactly who gave them to you and when...

SM is the stifled giggles from a naked bound slave in the bathroom as her Master explains to the neighbor that everything is really just fine, thank you...

SM is knowing she wants it but is afraid at first to let on, and finally hours later having her beg for it, whimpering, and weeping with each stroke.

SM is having her kneel for you for an entire afternoon, while you explain to her how much you love her, and the blindfold is on her so tight.

SM is seeing her face cloud over or light up, all dependent on your facial statement.

SM is a naked subbie begging to be allowed to keep her socks on because the floor is so cold...

SM is the speed at which you hit the floor when you hear the word "Kneel!" come in that tone of voice...

SM is letting your slave tell you all about her fantasy of dominating you and exactly how she would take control; then cutting her off with a single word, "kneel"...

SM is getting Him new ties for His birthday because He ruined all of His tying you to the poster bed...

SM is the panic in her eyes as you pinch her nose shut after you have duct taped her mouth, she being bound completely.

SM is calling your sweet sub at work and making her work real hard not to let anyone know that she is cumming at her desk with your voice in her ear...

SM is running your fingernail up her back so hard, she cuts her lower lip with her own teeth, because you told her to be quiet.

SM is pausing a second anytime you meet someone new to picture them bound spread-eagled on your bed with blindfold and nipple clamps in place...

SM is having to hide in your office for half an hour after getting off the phone because your slave's submission was soooooooooo good...

SM is like having a big argument where all the people involved agree.

SM is feeling the electricity in the air as she kneels before you, cheek pressed to the floor... watching her tremble in fear and desire, seeing the wanting win out over all... hearing the sharp whistle of the crop as it cuts through the air, the soft sound of her quick breaths she hears it... then the intense silence as you let it pass her by, only a small puff of air striking her... hearing her whimper of despair a second later...

SM is knowing you will not need to reprimand; that a sub will fall to her knees and beg forgiveness the second she realizes that she has failed to give you the respect of capping your name...

SM is being bound and tossed on the bed... and left.

SM is being bound and tossed on the bed... and not left... *smile*

SM is having her kneel besifde the couch, holding your ashtray and teacup, while you read the morning paper on Sunday.

SM is sliding the tip up your knife up her body, leaving a little trail of blood behind it, moving close and closer to her face... and seeing nothing but love and trust in her eyes...

SM is going to the store for a pack of smokes while she's tied to the picnic table in the back yard...

SM is asking her to hold your cigarette while you are working on the car, and hearing her whimper as you foolishly allowed it to linger so long as to burn her fingers, kissing her, feeling awful, and at the same time proud as hell.

SM is taking pride....in being called His slut....whore....slave....bitch....fuck~toy and princess....

A matter of perspective

This thread came up on DsKiosk. The following is just my rambling on the subject.

Every experience we have ever had has created a pathway in our brain. If those experiences were more negative than positive, the pathways become clogged with that negativity. It is difficult, sometimes even impossible, to change those pathways once they are etched, but if you are willing to acknowledge the damage you might be doing to yourself by continuing to fill the pathway with negative thoughts and memories, you are on the path to changing and at least neutralizing the pathway. 
It's all a matter of perspective. Is that not true of WIITWD? How many times have we seen people shudder as they witnessed something we wished the Dominant were doing to us? How many of our own pathways were changed by a Dominant or submissive who showed us the idea from a different angle? 
I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a masochist. However, I have learned to give myself over to my Sir who is a sadist. While I may not enjoy every moment of a sadistic scene, I am given pleasure through pleasing him, hearing his praise and laying in his arms at the end. By the same token, I have shattered many of his preconceived notions of what a submissive is like. I am married and love my husband...something my Sir has not encountered in previous submissives. I enjoy sensual play and really enjoy spending long periods just touching Him...something no other submissive has done for him. I am not the type of submissive who has to be beaten into submission, nor do i give up my brain when I wear a collar. 
Each experience, each relationship, each day we live, our perspective is changed. It's good to be open to see when something that was once harsh and painful can be neutralized and move forward past it.

Nine Levels of Submission

I wrote that essay the other day and never posted the original list, so here it is.

I'm waiting to hear about a source for this list. Until I do, I will simply say I got it from the DsKiosk List.

Nine Levels of Submission

"Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words 'submissive'
and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually _not_ very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes."

1. THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST.
Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).
2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).
4. TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5. TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6. UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.
7. PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE.
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominants property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.
8. FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE.
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9. CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS.
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything_ for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.

The above list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one of these categories; there are still further shades in between. (For example, a live-in slave with an outside paying job would be category 7 1/2. Also the same submissive may attain different degrees of submission with different Dom(me)s. The list is intended simply to show the wide range of different possible meanings of the words "submissive" and "slave."

In the S/M subculture, the majority of "submissives" seek scenes in categories 1-3, whereas most of the Dom(mes) I know (including myself) seek slaves in categories 6-7. If you're a submissive in categories 1-3, you are probably best off seeking a relationship not with a Dom(me) but with a fellow "sub," or with a switchable person into both roles. The two can take turns acting out each other's "submissive" or masochistic fantasies. When a submissive tells a dominant, "I want to be your slave," it is often hard to tell exactly what is meant. Lots of people fantasize a much greater degree of submission than they are able or willing to attain in real life, and lots of "slaves," especially inexperienced ones, over estimate their own desire for real life servitude. A dominant must carefully find out how far the "slave" really wants to go. Caveat emptor.