Boundaries? We Don't Need No Stinking Boundaries!

One of the most painful series of discussions I've ever had with someone about my needs for a power exchange relationship centered around my need for boundaries and expectations. I remember begging this individual for clarity. "Please just tell me where I fit into your life," I begged. "Tell me what I can and cannot do. What you do or do not expect from me." Each request had been met with either silence or confusion on the dominant's part leaving me floundering in the dark abyss of uncertainty that comes when I don't know my place. 

One might think that these types of conversations would actually be pretty easy since many dominants claim to know exactly what they want from their servants in a power exchange relationship, but the truth is that from my past experience, dominants don't really seem to understand what boundaries mean to those who serve. They don't seem to grasp how important boundaries are to the mindset and well-being of those who serve. And many don't seem to know how to express their boundaries and expectations to those who serve them. 

As a servant, boundaries are my safe zones. These are my comfort areas...places where I know my place and where I can exert a certain level of power. Boundaries give me the power to be transparent, to ask for the things I need, to expect to have my needs fulfilled. 

I'm a self-admitted control freak. I like doing things my way because if I have control, things get done to my standards. Being a control freak makes having boundaries even more important because boundaries give me areas of control. 

For example: I was tasked with making and serving breakfast for the one I served. I knew what he liked to eat, what his dietary restrictions were and how he liked to be served. I knew that I was expected to serve him in this way on the days when I was with him. Those were all clear boundaries and gave me both comfort and a place in which to excel in service. 

The problem arose when other boundaries were not set. For example, I was not instructed to prepare and serve breakfast for the primary partner/servant. When the primary complained that I did not serve her breakfast, the lack of boundaries left me feeling both insecure and angry. How was I supposed to know that my service was to extend to the other household servant if no one told me so? How was I to answer the other servant's demand for service when the dominant refused to give me clear boundaries as to how much personal service I was expected to give to the other servant?

A simple statement on the part of the dominant would have saved me an enormous amount of stress and anxiety. "You are expected to serve us both breakfast on workdays," or "You are expected only to serve me on a personal level," would have been enough to give me clarity and to lift some of the resentment the lack of boundaries built between me and the other servant. 

In the situation above, I asked the dominant for more specific boundaries but none ever came. I then had no comfort zone, no place from which I could feel secure and from where I could set my own boundaries with the other servant. This lack of boundaries led to more problems in the relationship and ultimately to the end of it. 

For me, boundaries and expectations are clear statements from both sides of the slash about where comfort zones can be found and used. I set clear boundaries about my privacy and my unwillingness to discuss personal issues in public venues not only because I value my privacy but because hard experience has taught me how public humiliation negatively affects my mindset and my ability to maintain my station. 

I set clear boundaries about my communication style because it is not a style many are familiar with. I negotiate time to think and compose my thoughts before I speak because I have learned that a dominant's demand for immediate response often results in miscommunication. 

I set clear boundaries when it comes to relationship compromises I am unwilling to make. If I know that a certain kind of compromise goes against every part of my heart and soul, I will set a boundary around that area to create either a clear and safe space or a dissolution of a relationship. 

For example, one of my primary boundaries is that partners keep me informed. There is no element of permission in this boundary. It is, instead, a boundary designed to help me make informed decisions. If I do not have all the pertinent information, I cannot make decisions that will be valid in the long run. Keeping me informed leads to a second boundary.  Lying to me, either by commission or omission, will result in a full withdrawal of my trust when the lie is discovered. I learned long ago that anyone who can lie to me after my boundary of "keep me informed" is set, will always find ways to keep me in the dark in order to avoid the uncomfortable emotions and discussions that might arise when the information is shared. 

From the other side of the slash, I need boundaries that let me know where I can be and where I can't. I need to know how much time, emotion, connection, intimacy, etc. I am permitted to expect before I begin pushing their boundaries. I need to know what kinds if service I can perform and which are reserved for others. I need to know what expectations the dominant has so that I do not embarrass either of us. And I need to know that the dominant is willing and able to set these boundaries not just for himself but for those who serve him as well. 

The first example I gave above involved a dominant who was unwilling to do the work required to set boundaries for me or his primary servant. He found it to be much easier to let then primary run rampant over him and anyone who  was brave enough to attempt to serve him. Expedience is not dominance nor do I believe it can be the basis of a strong and healthy relationship. 

Relationships are hard work. Power exchange relationships require even more work. Servants and dominant need boundaries and expectations if they are going to be able to maintain a healthy transparency and to build a strong relationship. Without clear boundaries and expectations, we end up bumping into each other in a random way rather than living in the deliberate manner so many seek from power exchange. 

Pretty

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Bubby and his ball.

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Introversion and Mono-Poly Relationships

I've been reading about introversion and how being an introvert (78% according to the Meyers Briggs) affects how I interact with other people socially. Then, this morning as I drove to work, I listened to the PolyWeekly Podcast featuring one of my favorite people in the Leather community, Mollena Williams (http://polyweekly.com/2013/02/pw-351-mono-poly-with-mo/). Mo and Minx discussed the concept of Mono-Poly and something just clicked. That's me and I think I know why!

Mo defines herself as monoamorous...someone who heart-bonds with only one person at a time. I can absolutely relate to that definition. Over the years in which I have engaged in power exchange relationships, I have done so with dominant men who enjoyed being some type of polyamorous...either openly or behind my back. I, however, have always been one to bond to only one person at a time. I tell partners that while I do not mind there being others I their lives (so long as I know about them), I do not do "divided loyalties" well.  My focus, especially in a power exchange relationship, is on the one I serve. It is with them that I bond. It is to them that I offer my heart and soul and it is with them that I am transparent.  I do not have the capacity to be that open and transparent with more than one person at a time.

And that lack of capacity is where my looking at introversion helped. As a highly introverted person, I need a lot of one on one time with people, interspersed liberally with alone time for reflection.  Those needs are in direct opposition to the structure of a poly relationship. I cannot spend the time I need to reflect on building intimate, loving relationships with more people because then I have no energy for myself or the one to whom I am already heart-bonded.

Now this is not to say that have no interest in any metamores related to the one I serve. That is simply not the case. The fact is, I feel much more comfortable in a relationship with a poly person if I can have something more than a passing, cordial relationship with their other partners.  I fear being hated by a metamore because I once experienced it and the destruction of that relationship hurt me deeply. I don't want to heart-bond with the others, but I do go out of my way to find common ground so that we can spend time together and not snipe at each other constantly. The fact that I'm straight, as are the men I've served, means that there is likely never to be more than a friendship between me and any of the dominant's other partners as well.

I think that just as it is difficult for extroverts to understand introverts, it is sometimes difficult for poly people to understand a mono partner. I will not seek out others to fill voids in my life for more than friendship. I may have needs that the poly partner cannot or will not fulfill, but while I may find a way to fill those needs, my heart bond remains with the person to whom I am in service. There will be times when I am envious and jealous, but those times do not mean that I will cut and run or seek out other partners.  They will mean that I will ask for time to talk so that I can get what I need or find out for certain that I cannot have it so that I may make informed decisions.

In recent years, I have had to beat the "It's Okay" girl into brutal submission. Anytime I now hear myself thinking, "it's okay," I ask myself is it really and if the answer is no, I go to the person I am involved with and I talk to them or I write to them. I must admit that I am more likely to write to them for two reasons.

One, I can think through what I want to say and be sure that what I am sharing is what I really need to talk about. Two, I tend to get involved with extroverts. If I try to only talk to them, rather than write and then talk, I run the risk of not being able to clearly articulate what I need to say and being talked over by the extrovert who cannot stand my moments of silence (which are used to compose my thoughts into clear statements).

As I'm writing this, I find there is likely one other reason why my relationships tend toward monoamorous for me and polyamorous for them...

It has been my personal experience that as a servant, my focus cannot shift from one person to another without a clear correlation to the reduction in quality of service. For example, I cannot serve an owner and a dinner party with the same level of attention and detail. I may know all the same details about the dinner guests that I know about an owner, but I cannot physically serve every individual with the same level of attention.

On the flip side of that coin, as the one being served, it feels as though the dominant can be available to more than one servant much more easily than a servant to several dominants. Yes, the emotional energy expended by either party will be fairly equal, but the need to physically be in more than one place at a time is vastly different. Then, too, the "Master's Perogative" allows for more leeway in the amount of connection between servant and served than the structure and requirements set forth for servants. 

On the whole, I think it is difficult for the monoamorous person to be involved in the Kink and Leather communities because monogamous relationships are becoming so rare. How often do you truly see a one to one relationship with no outside partners? I know I have only rarely seen it in the more than a decade I've been involved in the communities. I also know that I have never been involved in a power exchange relationship where I was the only person in the relationship with the owner. So where does that leave me, and others like me?

I think it leaves us in a position of needing to educate our partners after spending the time to know for certain what it is we must have in order to engage in happy, healthy relationships. Those of us for whom one heart is enough must be willing to share our needs and desires clearly and to let go when those needs and desires are in opposition to what the one to whom we heart bond is willing to provide. In short, and to paraphrase both Minx and Mo, we must own our shit and give ourselves points for trying even when we are scared and hurt.

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