I was looking at my profile on Fetlife and thinking of things slave Caroline and others said during the MsC and I realized something about myself. I have a need to suffer for those I serve.
When I started my journey more than a decade ago, I was afraid of the pain. I remember the first time a flogger fell upon my shoulders and how emotion welled out of the depths of my soul. I was terrified. I was thrilled. I was aching to let go. I was desperate to maintain control. I fell into the arms that were opened to me as I stepped off the cross and I cried and shook and smiled and laughed.
Through the years, things changed. I became involved with heavier and heavier sadists. Suffering for their pleasure became an important part of my service. My willingness to stand before them, stripped bare in so many ways, was part and parcel of the ruthless obedience I gave to those I served. I never lost the nugget of fear that lay in my gut each time one of them nodded to the cross and pulled out those things that would bring me pain while giving them pleasure. I never learned to fly as a bottom. The things these men did to me hurt...there's no way to romanticize it. That shit hurts and I had no way of escaping into “subspace.” Instead, I stood, I held on, and I suffered.
But there is value to me in that kind of suffering. That kind of surrender speaks to the depths of my service. It is a way to openly strip away my control and to stand in utter vulnerability before the one I serve. In accepting the physical pain of allowing their inner beast to run free, I can suffer in a way that allows me to recover. There are other ways those I have served have made me suffer and some of those ways are far more difficult to recover from. I'm not saying I'm looking for the easy path, but that physical suffering is something I can do for the one I serve that will not leave me so damaged that the owner will have trouble bringing me back to useful service.
I have never been in an authority-based relationship that did not include some level of S&M play until recently. I don't know for certain how I feel about this. I know there are times when it feels as though there is some piece of my inner self that is set to the side and packed out of sight. Other times my rational brain says, “What are you missing? You don't like the pain.”
What I am missing, I believe, is that place of complete vulnerability. What else do we do in any relationship that puts us in a place of such deep and complete vulnerability? What other action or interaction can strip us as completely bare of our control as standing before someone, knowing they will hurt us in ways we may not like? I cannot think of anything, any situation or interaction, that can so fully demonstrate the depth of surrender I want to give to those I serve as suffering for their pleasure.
And so I have circled back to my beginning...I have a need to suffer for those I serve.
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Thursday, September 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Authenticity
I'm still coming down from the MsC and the thoughts and epiphanies that have come in the past several days. It's always amazing to see the universe pipe up to contribute to whatever turmoil is rolling through my brain. At every turn, it seems, I am finding affirmations, quotes, and essays which touch on things I am working to integrate into my life.
I was reading this essay on Authenticity by Richard and Namaste (http://www.richardandnamaste.com/just-say-no-to-faux-authenticity/) and something in it really resonated with me. Authenticity is as personal as any other part of our journey.
It sometimes seems as though the cry in the community for everyone to be authentic includes a subtle undertone that everyone's authenticity should look the same from the outside. That everyone should be “open” in the same way. If you think about it, the idea is ridiculous. We are individuals and what is me is not necessarily found anywhere else in the same proportions and visions.
I am:
None of these contradictions make my authenticity any less than anyone else's authenticity is to them. Humans are contradictory in many ways. We nurture and destroy. We love and we hate. We create and we consume. Why would who we are at our cores be any less contradictory?
Authenticity has to be individual because everyone's reality is going to be unique. It is important to keep that in mind and to share YOUR authentic self rather than striving to meet the standards of anyone else's authenticity.
I was reading this essay on Authenticity by Richard and Namaste (http://www.richardandnamaste.com/just-say-no-to-faux-authenticity/) and something in it really resonated with me. Authenticity is as personal as any other part of our journey.
It sometimes seems as though the cry in the community for everyone to be authentic includes a subtle undertone that everyone's authenticity should look the same from the outside. That everyone should be “open” in the same way. If you think about it, the idea is ridiculous. We are individuals and what is me is not necessarily found anywhere else in the same proportions and visions.
I am:
- A Slave
- Dominant
- Sadistic
- Powerful
- Strong
- Courageous
- Afraid
- Loving
- Generous
- Shy
- Loud
- Introverted
- Loyal
- Honest
- Surrendered
- Valuable
- Private
None of these contradictions make my authenticity any less than anyone else's authenticity is to them. Humans are contradictory in many ways. We nurture and destroy. We love and we hate. We create and we consume. Why would who we are at our cores be any less contradictory?
Authenticity has to be individual because everyone's reality is going to be unique. It is important to keep that in mind and to share YOUR authentic self rather than striving to meet the standards of anyone else's authenticity.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
First Thoughts from MsC
The MsC is always a tough time for me. I rarely get that kind of time to be immersed in the world I love and be with the people I enjoy. I may live my life as part and parcel of Leather, but how often do any of us get to go and be ourselves without the societal facade we present to the rest of the world. And as wonderful as it is to drop most of our facade and shields, it can be jarring and painful to come back to our lives...to shoulder that masking shield and go back to who we are when others—outsiders--are watching.
And for an introvert, 515 other people in close proximity for four days can be exhausting. My public face and ability to maintain any sort of energy and control usually has a shelf life of 48 hours. Double that and you'll see me dash into a bathroom stall to take a few deep breaths, curse the tears back into my eyes, and remind myself that I am fine.
I know that as I continue to decompress, more thoughts may come, but I want to share a few important lessons I learned this weekend.
As those who know me can attest, I am hard-headed and sometimes it takes a hell of a mule kick to get me to stop hurting myself and those around me. I can chew on something that hurts until it is so deep and so infected with my own interpretations and pain that it never heals. But that isn't what I want for my life. It isn't what feeds me. It isn't what I deserve. So I made the conscious decision to let go. To let go of the pain. To let go of the need to be in control. To let go of the desire to be hurt by things I cannot control or affect. And you read that right. I had to first acknowledge that I was making the choice to be hurt by these things before I could admit I had the power to let go of them.
I realized that my desire to be in control of myself is also a way to control those around me, including the man with whom I am currently under consideration. I realized that every limit I put on what I “need” or feel entitled to, chokes off the authority of this man and cheats both of us of the power and value of surrender and vulnerability. I can't say that I won't ever feel like I “need” to know something or “deserve” to have something, but when I do, I have committed to examining these things, evaluating if they are true needs and then sharing those with him in order to continue to dialog about building our relationship.
I realized that by refusing to let go and be vulnerable with this man, I was cheating us both out of what I know, and he knows, an M/s relationship can be. The more I hold back parts of myself, the less I am in service and the more I am simply paying lip service to the concept. If I cannot let go of my past and the pain and the distrust and allow him to see the deepest, bloodiest, most selfish parts of myself, then I am not serving him. I am serving myself and doing a piss-poor job at that.
I realized that by refusing even a small request based solely on my own dissatisfaction with myself and the fabricated constructs I had imposed on the relationship I was cheating and hurting us both. I was bringing myself more pain as he reacted to my resistance and further imposing those same fabricated constructs because I felt justified in doing so based on his reactions to my inaction. It was a vicious circle and I have broken the current one and set my brain to watch for future ones in order to head them off before they can do more harm.
I realized that I am powerful and valuable and loveable. I have never believed these things with the level of conviction I have right now. I do not have to fit anyone else's definition of slave to be who I am to those I might serve. I do not have to give up being powerful to surrender authority. I do not have to denigrate my own value to make myself available for service. I do not have to pretend I don't need to connect on a deep emotional and spiritual level in order to be healthy and fulfilled in service. And I know I am worth the effort and investment it takes to get to know me, to accept authority over me, and to be responsible for me as a servant.
As I said, I am sure more will come with time and decompression, but these are the key things I have learned and wanted to share with others.
I admit to getting into the car to come home still filled with the pain and anger I had carried through a majority of the weekend only to have my soul finally stand up and scream that if I didn't knock it off, I was going to suffer so deeply that I might not recover. There was a nearly audible click as many of the things I had thought and heard and considered during the weekend came together and suddenly none of what had made me cry before we left the hotel mattered. None of the “inequality” I was fabricating made a damn bit of difference. If I am to be the slave I know I am, I have to surrender authority to the one I serve and in doing so, accept that the choices he makes regarding my day to day life are done with thought and consideration for all involved, including me. I had to understand that being hurt is a choice based on no one but me. To know that I am not the center of the universe and that things aren't done to me, I do them to myself. At that moment I was free to be me. The powerful, competent, valuable, loveable slave...no boundaries, no constraints. I have never felt more free than I did at that moment and I thank everyone who helped me over the past 13 years of my journey to this place.
And for an introvert, 515 other people in close proximity for four days can be exhausting. My public face and ability to maintain any sort of energy and control usually has a shelf life of 48 hours. Double that and you'll see me dash into a bathroom stall to take a few deep breaths, curse the tears back into my eyes, and remind myself that I am fine.
I know that as I continue to decompress, more thoughts may come, but I want to share a few important lessons I learned this weekend.
As those who know me can attest, I am hard-headed and sometimes it takes a hell of a mule kick to get me to stop hurting myself and those around me. I can chew on something that hurts until it is so deep and so infected with my own interpretations and pain that it never heals. But that isn't what I want for my life. It isn't what feeds me. It isn't what I deserve. So I made the conscious decision to let go. To let go of the pain. To let go of the need to be in control. To let go of the desire to be hurt by things I cannot control or affect. And you read that right. I had to first acknowledge that I was making the choice to be hurt by these things before I could admit I had the power to let go of them.
I realized that my desire to be in control of myself is also a way to control those around me, including the man with whom I am currently under consideration. I realized that every limit I put on what I “need” or feel entitled to, chokes off the authority of this man and cheats both of us of the power and value of surrender and vulnerability. I can't say that I won't ever feel like I “need” to know something or “deserve” to have something, but when I do, I have committed to examining these things, evaluating if they are true needs and then sharing those with him in order to continue to dialog about building our relationship.
I realized that by refusing to let go and be vulnerable with this man, I was cheating us both out of what I know, and he knows, an M/s relationship can be. The more I hold back parts of myself, the less I am in service and the more I am simply paying lip service to the concept. If I cannot let go of my past and the pain and the distrust and allow him to see the deepest, bloodiest, most selfish parts of myself, then I am not serving him. I am serving myself and doing a piss-poor job at that.
I realized that by refusing even a small request based solely on my own dissatisfaction with myself and the fabricated constructs I had imposed on the relationship I was cheating and hurting us both. I was bringing myself more pain as he reacted to my resistance and further imposing those same fabricated constructs because I felt justified in doing so based on his reactions to my inaction. It was a vicious circle and I have broken the current one and set my brain to watch for future ones in order to head them off before they can do more harm.
I realized that I am powerful and valuable and loveable. I have never believed these things with the level of conviction I have right now. I do not have to fit anyone else's definition of slave to be who I am to those I might serve. I do not have to give up being powerful to surrender authority. I do not have to denigrate my own value to make myself available for service. I do not have to pretend I don't need to connect on a deep emotional and spiritual level in order to be healthy and fulfilled in service. And I know I am worth the effort and investment it takes to get to know me, to accept authority over me, and to be responsible for me as a servant.
As I said, I am sure more will come with time and decompression, but these are the key things I have learned and wanted to share with others.
I admit to getting into the car to come home still filled with the pain and anger I had carried through a majority of the weekend only to have my soul finally stand up and scream that if I didn't knock it off, I was going to suffer so deeply that I might not recover. There was a nearly audible click as many of the things I had thought and heard and considered during the weekend came together and suddenly none of what had made me cry before we left the hotel mattered. None of the “inequality” I was fabricating made a damn bit of difference. If I am to be the slave I know I am, I have to surrender authority to the one I serve and in doing so, accept that the choices he makes regarding my day to day life are done with thought and consideration for all involved, including me. I had to understand that being hurt is a choice based on no one but me. To know that I am not the center of the universe and that things aren't done to me, I do them to myself. At that moment I was free to be me. The powerful, competent, valuable, loveable slave...no boundaries, no constraints. I have never felt more free than I did at that moment and I thank everyone who helped me over the past 13 years of my journey to this place.
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