Decision-Making in a Poly Group

I really like this particular approach to decision-making in a poly group.

1. How does this affect the people I'm involved with?
2. How does this affect my larger world?
3. How does this affect me?

I've been involved in several poly groups over the years and had we all approached important, and even the not-so-important, decisions with these guidelines in mind, we might all have had a little less strife.

1. How does this affect the people I'm involved with?
This is, I believe, the key question in this list. It is important to have considered how your decision will affect those with whom you are involved. It is the unwillingness, or inability to consider the affect of your decisions on all involved that leads to strife and pain in poly groups.

When you add in a power exchange element, this question can be muddied a bit, but I believe it must still be considered. If a member of the group is making a decision that will affect the group as a whole, there will be consequences. If the group is willing to deal with those consequences, that's fine, but when no consideration is given for the rest of the group, often the entire group will suffer more than is necessary.

2. How does this affect my larger world?
I think this question asks us to consider the importance of the decision. If the decision has little effect on the larger world, will you be as determined to have your own way?

3. How does this affect me?
This is an important and valid question to ask yourself before you make a decision. If the outcome of the decision doesn't affect you, let someone else make the decision, or offer your opinion with a clear indication of your knowledge that as the decision will not affect you, you are offering an opinion, not an edict.

I can really only speak for myself when I consider these questions. I know that my first concern will often be how a decision, action, or inaction will affect those around me. I try to ensure that I am not imposing my way of doing everything on those around me and I often step back to give room for others to step forward. There are times when my desires may not be met because of this, but if there are true needs, I speak up. It what I am missing is only a desire, I may have a moment of pique until I recognize that I was the one who made the decision which took away what I wanted.

Just thinking

Sir asked me to arrange a threesome for his birthday.

I know of only one person who I could arrange this with on such short notice...AD. She's a nice woman and all, but somewhere deep inside I have some small alarm bells going off as I plan this thing. She's very clingy, very needy and extremely consuming when she's in the room.

My question to myself is...am I hesitant to include her in the birthday celebration for selfish reasons or because the last thing Sir needs is someone who might make a nuisance of herself later? If I'm honest, it's selfish reasons. I would love nothing more than a quiet (or not so quiet) day with him. It isn't that I'm afraid he'll decide he likes her better...I am not. I want his birthday to be fun and what he's hoping for. He told me he's asked for a threesome for years for his birthday and no one has ever given him one. I'd like to do that for him.

I asked if the obvious choice...S (Sir's girlfriend) would be interested. Apparently she prefers that I just stay in the shadows of his life and not meet her in the light. She knows I'm there, but wants nothing to do with me. If I'm honest with myself, that really hurts. I can think of many ways the two of us might work together to make Sir's life happy and healthy rather than segregating it into her time, my time and family time. Again...honestly....since my time always comes last maybe if she and I were friends that wouldn't happen so often.

I have been working very hard at being more laid back, at hoping rather than expecting. I think I'm doing well, but sometimes little things strike my heart...

New addition to the family.

Well, it looks like we're going to add a new member to our family, and this one isn't furry and has only two legs :).

JJ spent the day here with R and they have hit it off. I think R is feeling a little strange because he likes JJ and thinks it will upset me. I'm actually pretty okay with it. So long as our marriage is first, as it is for me and with my relationship with JD, then there's no problem.

I liked JJ. We have a lot in common and she's a very sweet lady. She's very shy, but I'll help her get over that *weg*. It isn't official, but she asked about being R's sub before she left. R told her that if she wanted that, he did too, but that she should go home and think on it. That way, no waking up and wondering what the hell she'd gotten herself into.

I hope this works out for all of us.

Feb. 2nd, 2002 at 7:28 PM

JD and I finally had a chance to talk yesterday. The basic outcome of the conversation was that he was not going anywhere and my jealousy was hypocritical at best.

After his assurances that he wasn't going to pass me over for a new sub, I have to admit that I felt a lot better. In all, i think that had he talked to me like he did yesterday when I originally asked him about gloria, I would have been okay from the start.

I'm terribly insecure and I was afraid that this new friend would disappear from my life if anyone else came in right now.

We also talked about expectations and boundaries. He now knows he can actually call me and say he wants to see me and I can do the same.

We spent this morning/afternoon together. Mostly we talked and got to know each other even better. We did a lot of touching and some mid-level play. It was definitely enjoyable :). Then we went shopping together at Sams. It was nice to spend some "normal" time with him in public. He really is a very nice man with a twisted sense of humor.

Things are going better and i feel more secure. R is trusting us both and is okay with what happened today. We're all making progress.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.