The Need to Suffer

I was looking at my profile on Fetlife and thinking of things slave Caroline and others said during the MsC and I realized something about myself. I have a need to suffer for those I serve.

When I started my journey more than a decade ago, I was afraid of the pain. I remember the first time a flogger fell upon my shoulders and how emotion welled out of the depths of my soul. I was terrified. I was thrilled. I was aching to let go. I was desperate to maintain control. I fell into the arms that were opened to me as I stepped off the cross and I cried and shook and smiled and laughed.

Through the years, things changed. I became involved with heavier and heavier sadists. Suffering for their pleasure became an important part of my service. My willingness to stand before them, stripped bare in so many ways, was part and parcel of the ruthless obedience I gave to those I served. I never lost the nugget of fear that lay in my gut each time one of them nodded to the cross and pulled out those things that would bring me pain while giving them pleasure. I never learned to fly as a bottom. The things these men did to me hurt...there's no way to romanticize it. That shit hurts and I had no way of escaping into “subspace.” Instead, I stood, I held on, and I suffered.

But there is value to me in that kind of suffering. That kind of surrender speaks to the depths of my service. It is a way to openly strip away my control and to stand in utter vulnerability before the one I serve. In accepting the physical pain of allowing their inner beast to run free, I can suffer in a way that allows me to recover. There are other ways those I have served have made me suffer and some of those ways are far more difficult to recover from. I'm not saying I'm looking for the easy path, but that physical suffering is something I can do for the one I serve that will not leave me so damaged that the owner will have trouble bringing me back to useful service.

I have never been in an authority-based relationship that did not include some level of S&M play until recently. I don't know for certain how I feel about this. I know there are times when it feels as though there is some piece of my inner self that is set to the side and packed out of sight. Other times my rational brain says, “What are you missing? You don't like the pain.”

What I am missing, I believe, is that place of complete vulnerability. What else do we do in any relationship that puts us in a place of such deep and complete vulnerability? What other action or interaction can strip us as completely bare of our control as standing before someone, knowing they will hurt us in ways we may not like? I cannot think of anything, any situation or interaction, that can so fully demonstrate the depth of surrender I want to give to those I serve as suffering for their pleasure.


And so I have circled back to my beginning...I have a need to suffer for those I serve.

First Thoughts from MsC

The MsC is always a tough time for me. I rarely get that kind of time to be immersed in the world I love and be with the people I enjoy. I may live my life as part and parcel of Leather, but how often do any of us get to go and be ourselves without the societal facade we present to the rest of the world. And as wonderful as it is to drop most of our facade and shields, it can be jarring and painful to come back to our lives...to shoulder that masking shield and go back to who we are when others—outsiders--are watching.

And for an introvert, 515 other people in close proximity for four days can be exhausting. My public face and ability to maintain any sort of energy and control usually has a shelf life of 48 hours. Double that and you'll see me dash into a bathroom stall to take a few deep breaths, curse the tears back into my eyes, and remind myself that I am fine.

I know that as I continue to decompress, more thoughts may come, but I want to share a few important lessons I learned this weekend.

As those who know me can attest, I am hard-headed and sometimes it takes a hell of a mule kick to get me to stop hurting myself and those around me. I can chew on something that hurts until it is so deep and so infected with my own interpretations and pain that it never heals. But that isn't what I want for my life. It isn't what feeds me. It isn't what I deserve. So I made the conscious decision to let go. To let go of the pain. To let go of the need to be in control. To let go of the desire to be hurt by things I cannot control or affect. And you read that right. I had to first acknowledge that I was making the choice to be hurt by these things before I could admit I had the power to let go of them.

I realized that my desire to be in control of myself is also a way to control those around me, including the man with whom I am currently under consideration. I realized that every limit I put on what I “need” or feel entitled to, chokes off the authority of this man and cheats both of us of the power and value of surrender and vulnerability. I can't say that I won't ever feel like I “need” to know something or “deserve” to have something, but when I do, I have committed to examining these things, evaluating if they are true needs and then sharing those with him in order to continue to dialog about building our relationship.

I realized that by refusing to let go and be vulnerable with this man, I was cheating us both out of what I know, and he knows, an M/s relationship can be. The more I hold back parts of myself, the less I am in service and the more I am simply paying lip service to the concept. If I cannot let go of my past and the pain and the distrust and allow him to see the deepest, bloodiest, most selfish parts of myself, then I am not serving him. I am serving myself and doing a piss-poor job at that.

I realized that by refusing even a small request based solely on my own dissatisfaction with myself and the fabricated constructs I had imposed on the relationship I was cheating and hurting us both. I was bringing myself more pain as he reacted to my resistance and further imposing those same fabricated constructs because I felt justified in doing so based on his reactions to my inaction. It was a vicious circle and I have broken the current one and set my brain to watch for future ones in order to head them off before they can do more harm.

I realized that I am powerful and valuable and loveable. I have never believed these things with the level of conviction I have right now. I do not have to fit anyone else's definition of slave to be who I am to those I might serve. I do not have to give up being powerful to surrender authority. I do not have to denigrate my own value to make myself available for service. I do not have to pretend I don't need to connect on a deep emotional and spiritual level in order to be healthy and fulfilled in service. And I know I am worth the effort and investment it takes to get to know me, to accept authority over me, and to be responsible for me as a servant.

As I said, I am sure more will come with time and decompression, but these are the key things I have learned and wanted to share with others.


I admit to getting into the car to come home still filled with the pain and anger I had carried through a majority of the weekend only to have my soul finally stand up and scream that if I didn't knock it off, I was going to suffer so deeply that I might not recover. There was a nearly audible click as many of the things I had thought and heard and considered during the weekend came together and suddenly none of what had made me cry before we left the hotel mattered. None of the “inequality” I was fabricating made a damn bit of difference. If I am to be the slave I know I am, I have to surrender authority to the one I serve and in doing so, accept that the choices he makes regarding my day to day life are done with thought and consideration for all involved, including me. I had to understand that being hurt is a choice based on no one but me. To know that I am not the center of the universe and that things aren't done to me, I do them to myself. At that moment I was free to be me. The powerful, competent, valuable, loveable slave...no boundaries, no constraints. I have never felt more free than I did at that moment and I thank everyone who helped me over the past 13 years of my journey to this place.

Things I will not do or be again...

I think about what I want from my life fairly often. Those thoughts almost always lead me to those things I do NOT want for myself ever again. Here is a brief list (subject to change at any time).

1. I will not be a secret. If you want me in your life, you must be willing to share me and my position in your life with the rest of the people in your life. I don't expect you to tell your child I serve you, but your child should know I'm more than just your friend (if they are of an appropriate age to know such things). Same goes for friends, family and colleagues. If you can't say I'm important to you to those around you, I'm not and I refuse to be in that position again.
2. I will not be an afterthought. I don't have to be number one on your priority list, but I refuse to be last.
3. I will not be a "back-up plan" in case the relationship you pursued first doesn't work out. If you don't want me to be part of your life simply for what I am, and aren't willing to give me what I need in a relationship, then I don't want you in mine.
4. I will not be the workhorse while everyone else in your life gets to have fun. This is NOT a new refusal of position, but one that seems to be resurfacing. I don't want to do all the work in the relationship, especially a poly relationship, and be stuck working my ass off while everyone else in the relationship gets to play and relax. If you want my help on a project, say so, but don't expect to drop the whole thing on me when there are others, yourself included, who need to contribute.
5. I will not be celibate while you fuck anything that moves. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt in a raging ritual by the light of the new moon.
1. Addendum: I do not want a relationship devoid of sexual and non-sexual contact. If you don't want to touch me, be touched by me, or give two shits about the needs I have, fuck off.
2. I do not have casual sex and I will not be flattered if you choose to have sex with others in such a way that I have no choice but to interpret your actions as being unable to wait for the whole package since the urge to get your dick wet is much stronger than any desire you might have for a relationship with me.
6. I will not settle. I know what I want. I want a service relationship that also meets my emotional needs. I have spent time to clearly articulate those needs and I expect the one I serve to read what I've written as we negotiate and be HONEST if they are unwilling to meet those needs.
7. I will not be an "also ran," while you pursue someone else. If you don't want me for me, don't trail me along while you're waiting to see if the one you actually want decides if they are willing to give you what I have freely offered. 
1. As a part of this one, I will not be part of your harem...the lady in waiting while you fuck the one you want while waiting to see if that person is willing to fulfill all parts of what you want from them or are only willing to be a piece of ass.
8. I will not serve only in pieces. Either you want me, the whole package, or you don't. I am not a Chinese Combination Platter. You don't get to choose one from column A and two from column B. 

I realize this sounds bitter, but it is a truthful statement of the situations I have found myself in during past relationships and of what I refuse to ever deal with again.

Thoughts and Observations

Something I read on an announcement on Fet yesterday stirred up a ton of thoughts for me. Thoughts of the how and why and what does it matter. 

The post talked about "distinguished authors" in the community and my first thought was, "how does one get to be a distinguished author in the community?" Then, "Who decides which authors are distinguished and which are not?" And finally, "What are the criteria?"

Ultimately, the answers to these questions are irrelevant.  I never sat down to write a book with the intent of becoming a distinguished author. I wrote my books to share knowledge in a way I wished had been available when I first came to the community. 

One of my books was once nominated for an award, but I would be willing to bet not one person currently curating the "distinguished authors" in the community was aware of the book or me...possibly not even the award. 

Knowing this about myself and my books, led me toward another path of thought. I am, for all intents and purposes, invisible in this community. No matter what I've done, what causes I've supported with time or money, what books I've written, classes I've presented, clubs I've owned, events I've put on, there has always been someone who took credit or a dizzying sense of non-entity as people have looked though and past me. I think this can best be illustrated by a simple incident which occurred several years ago.

I released Separating Fact from Fiction in 2007. It is a book about my realities of consensual slavery in the 21st century. A book club was reading the book and invited me to come to one of their meetings to engage in the discussion as the author. When I arrived, someone I had known for several years asked me why I was there.  They had no idea that Shannon Reilly (both my pen name and the first legal name I have ever had--adopted and this was my name prior to the adoption) was me.

I was invisible. I was a ghost. People who see me now only remember my partner as the owner of the Cell Block. They don't even remember me being there as anything more than a quiet shadow who made whips. No one remembers NCEdge, though it was the first edge-play only weekend event in the south and was held in my club for two years. If they do remember it, they remember my business partner again or his other former girl as the face. Not me...not the one behind the scenes making bologna sandwiches for a hundred people the first year because before we changed venues, we included meals as part of the weekend package.

I ranted about this last year at the MsC to my friends. I watch others being held up as pillars of the community knowing that despite having known those same "pillars" for years, few even know my name. 

It isn't that I want awards or statues that will collect dust, or even to be included in the mutual masturbation society that many of the events seems to cater to. I want to be seen...known...remembered. I think that's a very human desire. Add to that desire the fact that I don't want to have to scream it from the rooftops that I'm awesome, and I remain invisible.

Last year at the MsC, Laura mentioned that she had never spoken to her Daddy or family about her desire to earn leather and so she hadn't--until she voiced her desire. I suppose I am guilty of the same thing. I thought my participation in the Leather Community and observation of the traditions of our community spoke loudly enough to my own desire to see my accomplishments recognized by family and friends. It is clear I was mistaken.

I have lived in three long-term power exchange relationships. These were relationships of years at a time and yet I've apparently never distinguished myself enough to earn a collar. The ones I wore during those times were decoration, not formal declarations of my position in the relationship. But I have helped design and officiate at more than one collaring ceremony. The leather vest I wear to show my colors at events I purchased for myself long after purchasing the vest for an owner for the same purpose. I designed the family patch not only for my own family now, but for the family I believed I would live within for life. I wear only my patch because apparently the one for whom I designed a patch those many years ago did not feel I deserved the honor or connection of wearing it when we were together. I don't own boots, though I can certainly care for them and have rescued and presented boots to others. I wouldn't dream of wearing a cover, but I have ensured that others are aware of the dedication and love demonstrated by family members by purchasing and bestowing their cover. 

In short, I demonstrated in every way I believed it was possible, short of screaming "What about me?" that I believe in the traditions. I uphold the traditions. I want them upheld for me. But how does that happen for a ghost?

Think about it for a moment. How many times have you met me? How many times have you seen me quietly serving an owner or at a gathering? Do you know my name? I don't hide it from the community. I don't use Shannon for anything but writing. I use my full, legal name all day, every day. But do you know my first name? Or do you know only my screen name...

I am a ghost in the community. Someone who does the things which need to be done and slips silently back to the shadows. I am the one in the background holding up the structure while others are pushed to the forefront and held up as examples. I am the one who catches those who fall when reaching toward the lights and that is why you see only the shadows. So often we are blinded by the light of the "stars" in the community, the ones who shout and flash and scream, that we forget the arms which catch us, the words which soothe us, the smiles that flash briefly from the dark before we are bedazzled yet again.

Those of us who live in that darkness, who often hide ourselves to shove those we serve into the light for others to see, we care if you see us. We care if you notice us, especially as we serve you. We care if we are not only in the shadows but invisible.

Dreams

I've often dreamed of being in service again. Last night I had one of those dreams. This dream differed from others in two small, but significant ways. The first is that my subconscious mind put a familiar face on the person to who, in was bound in service. It was a person I admire a great deal and who I would enjoy serving if I thought for half a moment they would be interested in such service. The second difference was the gender of the individual to whom I was tied. On the past my dreams have always been of being in service to men or organizations. Last night's dream showed merge joy of being in service to a woman. A GQ woman, but a woman nonetheless.

I miss the connection to an owner. I miss the joy of service. I miss the calm that comes from knowing my presence in an owner's life brings them peace and joy.

I know I'm not gay. But I also know I'm attracted to power more than anything else. I'm rambling now because I just don't know what my brain is trying to tell me about what I need in my life.

What is SM

This was posted to DsKiosk. It is an interesting perspective on some of WIITWD.

by Don Meisen

SM is watching the neighborhood kids play cops and robbers and the look on the face of the one that has maneuvered herself into being the victim - all tied up and the center of attention.

SM is when the belt hits, first it stings like hell, then it's warm.

SM is two guys on a Harley, the front one raunchy and hairy and wearing full leathers, and his passenger in neat Levis, polo shirt, and tennis shoes. 

SM is the lady doctor from out of state that you keep tied up in a cage all weekend, and you invite your friends.

SM is trying to piss while your mistress holds your cock and makes comments.

SM is your slave holding her hair out of the way without being told, as you put on her collar.

SM is the quiet typist by day who turns into a whip-wielding mistress by the night in a professional house of dominance.

SM is the sweat, and wondering if you're going to pass out, and finally letting go.

SM is a pair of tiny gold handcuffs on an expensive dress at the symphony.

SM is Sunday brunch at an SM bar: and even though you're a straight couple, the leathermen know that you're into it too.

SM is the Story of 0, when you've been there, too.

SM is putting in an ad, and you get 55 responses the first week.

SM is making your boyfriend wear a French maid outfit, and serve lunch to you and your two best girlfriends, who are into women's lib.

SM is screaming "THAT'S ONE SIR! THANK YOU SIR!" at the top of your lungs.

SM is the gratitude, all your life, to the person who brought you out.

SM is trying to explain the massive frame and eyebolts to your landlady.

SM is finding the perfect pair of boots.

SM is your new slave, blindfolded, masturbating, and telling his secret fantasies, while you watch and listen to every marvelous detail.

SM is falling asleep with your hands and feet bound -and the dreams.

SM is the guy at the party who asks if he can try on your handcuffs.

SM is the proud African youth in National Geographics, with a skewer through his cheeks, and knowing that you both know what you know.

SM is forgetting to take off your steel cockring, and it sets off the alarm at the airport.

SM is how hot her ass feels when you caress the welts.

SM is putting up with a picky uncertain submissive, novice-new, who does't know how to say what he wants to say; but finally he gets down to it, and takes your breath away with the magnificent totality of his submission.

SM is all the people explaining why SM is so bad, knowing nothing about it, and you want to giggle, because they're so serious.

SM is the perfume of sweaty leather.

SM is your fifth anniversary, and all your friends hold and cuddle you while your lover has a professional piercer put a gold ring through your labia. Afterwards she holds and kisses you, and you'd do anything for her.

SM is Errol Flynn chained by pirates.

SM is the uniform in your closet, waiting for Saturday night.

SM is being absentminded at work on Monday.

SM is being taken downstairs blindfolded and handcuffed. After you're stripped and tied up, the blindfold comes off, and you see it's soundproof.

SM is hurting the one you love, just exactly right.

SM is wondering what your co-executives would say if they knew about the welts and the sticky panties underneath your conservative suit.

SM is wishing you could afford one of everything at the SM shop.

SM is seeing a branding, done right, and marveling "how easy!"

SM is how good your nipples feel when the clamps are perfect; and then the little bite more, and how your nipples adjust to accept that, too.

SM is the humiliation of discovering that your new slave is far more experienced than you are.

SM is spotting an ancient gay masochist on the bus shaved head, faded jacket,heavy chain and padlock around his neck, very clean, tattoos coming out of his collar and cuffs-quiet, upright, proud, centered, and content.

SM is shaking talcum power into your rubber suit.

SM is that sound of the whip as it cuts through the air and the sweet burn when it finally kisses your flesh

SM is the dog dish kept under your desk at the office

SM is seeing the light twinkle in her eyes at the prospect of a good hard spanking, having her hold the crop in her mouth as you do it, on penalty of it's use, and having her drop it on purpose, and you both know it.

SM is the warm caress as He wipes away the tears and the new tears that fall in love and gratitude...

SM is loving someone so completely that you trust them enough to give them your entire being mind body and soul

SM is nervous giggles as you try out the vibrating nipple clamps that turn into erotic whimpers

S&M is the jingling of the d-rings on your 3 inch leather wrist and ankle cuffs as you walk through the grocery store getting things for dinner...

SM is kneeling at your Masters feet wearing a posture collar wrists cuffed to the middle O-ring, kneeling, holding His plate while He eats and you love it

S&M is knowing *exactly* what colors your skin will turn, exactly how many hours later

SM is smiling as you listen to your slave tell you his limits then narrowing your eyes with a secret smile knowing in 2 months he will be begging to go past that limit.

SM is Nipple clamps, strangle games, making her wait and beg before she is allowed to cum, spankings, whippings, ALL OVER THE BODY while she hangs in cuffs from the ceiling

SM is binding so tight it's hard to breathe, leather clothing, latex pajamas, having her sleep on the floor at the end of the bed, hogtied cause she was bad, collars, corsettes, leather sexual combat armour, knife play

SM is branding, tattooing, piercing, ornamental cutting, sharing out, service all day long, she kneeling at the front door waiting for Master to come home, the tears of sadness at a disappointed look, the tears of joy as the whip cuts the flesh

SM is laughing cumming crying and screaming all at once... it's been said that the more emotion you can squeeze into the moment, the better it is.!

SM is the smell of leather clothing. It's asking to go to the bathroom. It's begging to cum and not being allowed to.

SM is having her drop to her knees, in public, in a restaurant when you give her "that" look.

S&M is having your hands cuffed to the rod in the closet, waiting blindfolded for hours for the first exquisite kiss of the crop and cumming immediately - with permission, of course - when it at last occurs...

S&M is falling asleep as she moves against her restraints in bed, and knowing she will lie there and wait for you to get up first, have a shower and then return to untie her.

SM is being careful how one sits and walks at the office the next day

SM is loving her enough to BE ABLE TO HIT HER and to make her cry out in pain, and joy..

SM is finding that which makes her happy, and then using it to pleasure her.

SM is ignoring her for an entire day, as she sits bound in the next room, weeping softly, cause she pissed you off the night before!

SM is picking all her clothing for her, and making her try them on in the store, one outfit at a time, waiting for that nod that says, "yes" buy it.

SM is sitting around with friends and proudly displaying and reminising about your scars...knowing exactly who gave them to you and when...

SM is the stifled giggles from a naked bound slave in the bathroom as her Master explains to the neighbor that everything is really just fine, thank you...

SM is knowing she wants it but is afraid at first to let on, and finally hours later having her beg for it, whimpering, and weeping with each stroke.

SM is having her kneel for you for an entire afternoon, while you explain to her how much you love her, and the blindfold is on her so tight.

SM is seeing her face cloud over or light up, all dependent on your facial statement.

SM is a naked subbie begging to be allowed to keep her socks on because the floor is so cold...

SM is the speed at which you hit the floor when you hear the word "Kneel!" come in that tone of voice...

SM is letting your slave tell you all about her fantasy of dominating you and exactly how she would take control; then cutting her off with a single word, "kneel"...

SM is getting Him new ties for His birthday because He ruined all of His tying you to the poster bed...

SM is the panic in her eyes as you pinch her nose shut after you have duct taped her mouth, she being bound completely.

SM is calling your sweet sub at work and making her work real hard not to let anyone know that she is cumming at her desk with your voice in her ear...

SM is running your fingernail up her back so hard, she cuts her lower lip with her own teeth, because you told her to be quiet.

SM is pausing a second anytime you meet someone new to picture them bound spread-eagled on your bed with blindfold and nipple clamps in place...

SM is having to hide in your office for half an hour after getting off the phone because your slave's submission was soooooooooo good...

SM is like having a big argument where all the people involved agree.

SM is feeling the electricity in the air as she kneels before you, cheek pressed to the floor... watching her tremble in fear and desire, seeing the wanting win out over all... hearing the sharp whistle of the crop as it cuts through the air, the soft sound of her quick breaths she hears it... then the intense silence as you let it pass her by, only a small puff of air striking her... hearing her whimper of despair a second later...

SM is knowing you will not need to reprimand; that a sub will fall to her knees and beg forgiveness the second she realizes that she has failed to give you the respect of capping your name...

SM is being bound and tossed on the bed... and left.

SM is being bound and tossed on the bed... and not left... *smile*

SM is having her kneel besifde the couch, holding your ashtray and teacup, while you read the morning paper on Sunday.

SM is sliding the tip up your knife up her body, leaving a little trail of blood behind it, moving close and closer to her face... and seeing nothing but love and trust in her eyes...

SM is going to the store for a pack of smokes while she's tied to the picnic table in the back yard...

SM is asking her to hold your cigarette while you are working on the car, and hearing her whimper as you foolishly allowed it to linger so long as to burn her fingers, kissing her, feeling awful, and at the same time proud as hell.

SM is taking pride....in being called His slut....whore....slave....bitch....fuck~toy and princess....

Something to Ponder

If you have been to a public dungeon, play party or event, do you enjoy
public play? What is the draw? Are your scenes different in public?
If you have not been to such an event, do you have a desire and/or plans to?
If you prefer to scene in private only, why?

I've attended three public play parties. I was with my first Dom for the first two and attended the third with my husband but without my Sir. The first two were interesting. I did play there and was, in fact, the center of attention for a scene at each. I was mostly unaware of what was going on around me during those scenes and I don't think I was any different that I would have been in a private scene with that Dom.

The third party was uncomfortable for me because I felt unprotected. My husband is a much more gregarious individual than I am and was having a grand time talking with folks while I wandered from room to room and tried to stay out of everyone's way. I did not play there, nor would I have unless my Sir had been with me. He had planned to attend but had to attend a funeral that evening instead.

I would love to play with my Sir at a public party. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy knowing others are watching him as he works his magic on me.

Nine Levels of Submission

I was looking over the Nine Levels of Submission that was posted on the DsKiosk Yahoo Group today. I need to remember to ask if anyone has a source for this.

I find it interesting how the author breaks down the different levels into behaviors I have either seen in submissives I have met or wish to have in myself. The breakdown has helped me find where I am now and where I would like to go with JD.

Level One is defined as the "Outright Non-Submissive Masochist or Kinky Sensualist." I think I've met these folks a few times in real life and definitley online. In fact, I'd have to say that 75-80% of the new submissives i've met online are of this ilk. They want someone to tie them up and beat them into what they have romanticized to be submission.

Level Two, the "Pseudo-Submissive Non-Slave" is the next group of submissives defined by the list. These are the submissives who might be interested in role playing, but not in servitude or power exchange. To be honest, this is the type of submissive a lot of online Dominants seem to want. They want a play partner without the responsibility of having a submissive.

Level Three is the "Pseudo-Submissive Play Slave." This is the person who likes playing the slave in scene but still maintains the majority of control in scene and out. This level seems to define, to me, topping from the bottom. They will submit but only on their terms and in their time.

Level four is the beginning of a higher level of submission and a greater responsibility on the Dominant's part. Level Four is "True Submissive Non-Slave." I think this is where I currently fall on this scale. I am still looking to gain pleasure from the scene as opposed to gaining pleasure from pleasing my Dominant.

I have, however, experienced Level Five: "True Submissive Play Slave." This is where more of the submissive's pleasure is gained through pleasing the Dominant, even to the point of accepting pain in order to please the sadistic Dominant. As a submissive, this is one of my most treasured memories. I gave myself over entirely to his pleasure regardless of my fear and pain.

Level Six is the next step I'd like to take. This is the "Uncommitted Short-Term but More Than Play Semi Slave." I want to give up all control, to do things for Sir because he asks that they be done and their completion brings him pleasure. My only problem with the definition of this level is that it states that the slave ultimately decides when to serve and when to end the servitude. I would prefer this option be taken away as well.

Which leads me to Level Seven: "Part-Time Consensual But Real Slave." This level would be my preference if I were not married. But because I am, JD does not feel, and nor would R, that JD should have the first choice of my free time. In reality, however, this is the truth. If JD wants to see me, I generally drop anything I'm doing and go to him.

Level Eight: "Full-Tim Live in Consensual Slave," can never be a reality for me. I will not be leaving my husband and therefore have a real-life limitation of being unable to live full-time with anyone else. For short periods I might be able to live away from R but not full-time.

The author of the list admits that Level Nine: "Consensual Total Slave with No Limits" is a fantasy rather than a feasible reality. Everyone has psychological, physical, and/or moral limits that would interfer with this level's accuracy in describing real life relationships.

I think that I am currently at about 5.5 on the scale (at least most of the time). I hope that my relationship with JD can move forward and begin to lean farther toward a Level Six or 6.5.

More Ramblings on "Stuff"

I posted this to Submissive Forum. I'm interested in knowing what others think of the concept and hope to find out.

MasterChrisUK posted this and I'm soooooo tempted to print it out and talk with JD about it. I would really like more control from him. I know that some of the reason he doesn't do things is because he doesn't want to step on R's toes. At the same time, I crave his control. I would love nothing more than to do things because he has asked me to do them...more concrete things than to stop thinking so much or letting my imagination get away from me when it comes to my insecurities.

So many times I have asked...do you want me to wear something for you, say something, do something at events that he does not attend. Each time I am told, no. I need to ask him how much of that "no" is because he is afraid of angering R.

It's frustrating to know that oftentimes my husband's wishes come before mine in the relationship with JD. JD is so concerned that R will reach a point that means I cannot see JD again that he'll do anything he can in order to keep R happy, even if it means telling me to go home before I have to or treating me like i'll break or not making requests or setting up controls. I need to talk to him about that. I don't think I'm going to see him this week. He said something about having something he had to do on Wednesday...and that is generally our only day together. Mondays are usually too hectic, Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to work and Friday through Sunday are for his kids. I guess I'll write down what I want to discuss and take it with me so that when I see him we can talk about it.

Integrating idea

This is something I posted to power_exchange in response to a question from redwitch.

redwitch's question dealt tangentially with the idea of whether or not toys and implements were an integral part of a D/s relationship and it got me thinking. This is what I posted:

I seem to remember seeing somewhere in your profile that you are Pagan, right? It's always been a firm belief of mine that while the ritual doo dads and stuff are really nice to have, they are never necessary. It is the intent that makes the magick. I believe the same can be said of D/s relationships. The toys are nice, but it is actually the relationship that makes the difference in whether or not your submission to him or his Dominance over you is successful.
End Copied Post

Do I love the toys and fun things that are a part of many D/s scenes? You bet! I love them so much that I make my own. But are they really necessary? Would I still submit to JD without them? Absolutely. I do so on a regular basis actually.
In fact, I think the toys can be a distraction or "instead of" sometimes. For example, my husband can try out the floggers I make on me, but I cannot submit to him. In that case, the toys are "instead of" submission.

Submissive versus Slave

This argument sends my hackles up every time.

This is what I posted to an email group I am on. This is a group with whom I meet real time as well.

I know this is a semantic argument, but I believe there is a difference.
A submissive is, to me, someone who submits on a temporary basis...not to say that the person isn't submissive in his or her demeanor or life, but that their submission to one person is for a set amount of time...a scene, an afternoon, anything less than 24/7.
A slave is someone who gives up total control over all aspects of his or her life. In otherwords, they submit to their One on a 24/7 basis.


This is what I tried to post to another's journal in response to their ideas and a comment made by another, but I'm not on the friend list and couldn't post.

I identify as a submissive because I do not submit to my husband and can therefore NOT be in a 24/7 relationship.

That doesn't mean I dictate terms in all aspects of my D/s relationships. In fact, the only "hard" limits I have relate to no animals, children, excrement or blood. Beyond that, there might be a few other "nos" on my checklist, but I've recently changed that list to include two activities I didn't think I would like that I do and know that I do because my Sir took me there.

He asks me if I want a safeword and knows how hard it is for me to use it. He knows that if I use it, I have reached a limit and he needs to back off. It's happened ONCE. He miscalculated my tolerence for sting.

This topic almost always raises my hackles. For the most part, it is an argument of semantics. The rest is real-life limits (at least as I define submissive). The worst of it is when folks choose to treat submissives as second-class citizens. I am still the same woman, with the same need to submit who if I submitted to my husband would be considered a slave...and with the same limits I listed above. But because I define slave as someone who is in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I do not identify as a slave and I am sometimes treated as though I am not "good" enough.

JD called tonight. It is so rare that he calls me and I was so happy to hear from him. So many things have come up lately and I just don't know how many more either of us can handle.

After the suicide attempt, the missing mail, now his daughter's broken collar bone...I'm exhausted. We need to talk. He needs to tell me things and I need to tell him things and yet all I want to do is curl into his side and let him tell me everything is okay.

Maybe he'll do that. Maybe I'll just ask him for it.

Another something to think about.

In an established D/s relationship should a slave be able to have a time when she can talk to her Master about any issues she has without fear of punishment? And if so, how would the master manage this?

I would have to say that yes, a slave should have a specified way of communicating with her Master that there is something wrong without fear of reprisal.

We are human beings with real emotions and everyday stresses. Why should we believe that slaves and Masters should be any different? Because we are human, we need ways to talk to each other about issues without anything else intruding on the discussion.

I'm not a slave, but I expect this sort of communication with my husband and my Sir. I've often wondered why many in the Lifestyle see D/s relationship dynamics as different than other relationships. While D/s relationships have other aspects to them, they are still relationships at the center and as such are subject to the same problems as any other relationship.

Something to think about

Rules, Rituals, Reinforcement

June MBBDSM Munch

Well, there were a bunch of people there, some I knew and some I didn't. It was nice to see S and J and littleone again and meeting R and G and J was cool.

The topic didn't interest me much, but it did spark an interesting idea on the way home. I'm going to go over to submissive forum and post a question about reaching subspace with or without pain.

Lately it feels as thought the entire world is conspiring against me and my ability to remain balanced and happy in all aspects of my life.

I have been fighting with myself for so long on how to alleviate some of the guilt I feel when I try to put forth my own needs and wants and it seems as though I am not getting anywhere. Why do I feel guilty when I think things like, "Why should I come last?" I am just as valuable a human being as anyone else and yet I consistently feel as though my wants and needs must be subjugated to those of my partners.

I have been making strides as far as the relationship with JD. I am getting better at simply saying what is on my mind…even if it is in letters. But I find myself still holding back, still stopping myself from saying things that might hurt him, might drive him away from me. Would I be devastated if he did leave? Would that be the end of me and my submission? No, but I do get something from our relationship and would miss it if it were taken from me.

What do I get from that relationship? He makes me feel beautiful and special, but so does R. He accepts my submission without wrestling it from me and that is something R cannot do. I enjoy his company, enjoy just being with him. He is a calmer soul than R and it is often soothing to be with him.

I know I'm just rambling. I'm stressed and tired and need to relax. Perhaps I'll hear from him this weekend. R and I are going to the MBBDSM munch today and we might see Michelle and Steve because they are in MB right now. I called Scott and left a message on their machine, but I doubt he got it.

I have just begun this particular journal. I'll be moving a few things over here from a
blogger account. I wanted to be able to
access some of the communities I saw here at livejournal, so I started this
account.



If you like what you see here, please
feel free to email me so I can add you to my friends list. There will be all sorts of posts in this
journal and not all will be public.




I love to read and write all sorts of
things, including erotica, so look for some of my work here, too.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.