Posts
All Comments
I didn't mean to make you feel bad last night. I guess I need to explain a few things to make how I felt last night make more sense for you.
1. Collars
In the past, any collar I wore was at the whim of the dominant I was with. I gave it to them and they put it on me or told me I could wear it when they chose. As such, I feel really uncomfortable wearing a collar without permission. Last night, I didn't have your permission to wear my collar and so I didn't...that left me feeling very ungrounded and uncomfortable. We have never discussed how "permanent" the collar is between us...as in, is it only for when we're together or can it be worn at any time. I would be proud beyond recognition to wear a collar for you all the time, but again, that is something we have not discussed.
2. Lifestyle Events
I am terribly uncomfortable attending lifestyle events without the dominant I am with. Sounds silly, doesn't it, considering that I'm the one who plans these things. However, it is entirely true. The only thing that makes it bearable for me to attend them "alone" (I realize R is with me, but there is a difference), is to wear a collar...and I've already covered this ground.
3. Disappointment
I absolutely understand your work schedule and the simple physical need to sleep. You know I'm concerned with your health and would never begrudge you anything that you need to stay healthy. That doesn't mean I didn't want to see you, didn't want you to be part of the beautiful ceremony, didn't want to spend time with you. Understanding does not preclude disappointment and disappointment doesn't mean I think you did anything wrong. Disappointment is actually rather selfish on my part. I wanted so very much to be with you...to not be the only submissive in the room without her dominant, without a collar. I wanted to spend time with you; time that would be uninterrupted by nosey roommates or possibly state troopers. It was utterly selfish of me and I do recognize that.
Does any of this make sense? This is very much how my brain works when it comes to things like this. I am so afraid to assume things, to go farther than I should that I err on the side of caution, even when it leaves me feeling untethered and lost as I did much of last night. I won't do things, even if they would make me feel better, without your permission (like wear your collar). This fear isn't your fault...it's the accumulation of several things culminating in the last jerk who called himself a dominant.
I think I talked to you about boundaries at the very beginning of our relationship...how I need them to feel secure. This was a boundary we hadn't discussed and so when I came to it and could see no clear-cut answer I got uncomfortable (emotional).
I'm looking forward to lunch on tuesday. Did you want me to bring something to cook or did you want to go out? Let me know so I can plan for it.
I guess we're going to go out and do the ceremony in about ten or fifteen minutes. Once again I planned, bought food for and expected folks and no one showed. Maybe someday I'll learn not to plan anything. Of course I've been saying that for ages and I still plan...eternal optimist I suppose.
I don't know what happened to David...the man from Winston Salem who RSVP'd that he was coming. No phone call, no email, no IM.
I really miss you. I hope you slept well and long. This is likely not a good time for me to write my journal, but I needed to do it before it got any later.
Have I ever told you...
Sep. 20th, 2002 at 5:28 PM
It means a lot to me when you tell me you are proud of me, proud to have me as your submissive. Listening to you say those kinds of things last night just made me grin.
I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. You do realize you are welcome to come over tonight and stay the weekend. I need to remember to get you to show me Brandon's hand signals so that while he's here, he won't be getting conflicting commands.
I have a new picture for you :D. Hope you'll like it.
I'm not quite done with your afghan, but it's close. I hope to finish it this evening so I can wash it and give it to you tomorrow.
Miss you again already.
One month ago
Sep. 19th, 2002 at 7:47 AM
A little over a month ago I received a yahoo instant message. It started with "I liked your profile at Bondage." I admit to being just a little leery with that beginning.
A month ago today, I found myself kneeling beside your bed, trembling with anticipation and not a little fear as I wondered what posessed me to come to you without an escort.
I still have vivid memories of you holding me to your chest, whispering into my ear, "Do you do this of your own free will? Do you accept me as your Master?"
I did and I do :).
I miss you...out time together has been governed by others lately. I'm looking forward to spending some time with you soon...no other committments or intrusions.
Minor Pout :)
Sep. 18th, 2002 at 8:35 AM
I was so hoping to see you last night. I'm sorry things got so messed up. Hope you were able to get your stethoscope back...No more loaning it out! :-P
Let me know if you would like for me to bring you anything. I bought you trail mix yesterday at the grocery store so you'd have it at work. I'm happy to bring it to you after class tonight or tomorrow. Or I'll just save it and give it to you when I see you this weekend.
Yesterday's discussion meant a lot to me...knowing that you'd put me on your notification list...
I'm sorry to get weepy when I think about that particular subject. Heaven knows I understand completely the need for our war...but knowing that most of the country has no idea what it means for us to be at war, knowing that people I know, people I care for are going into the line of fire, all of that makes my heart pound and my throat close. I'm not a woose, but I am emotional. Hope you don't take it personally (unless you think it's a good thing for me to be concerned :D ).
I'll email you my address to add to the contact information. I don't want to post it here for security purposes.
Groups:Griffin, bitchlist, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Outward Show
Sep. 18th, 2002 at 8:38 AM
Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy symbolism? I just saw the most beautiful ring...patterned after those in the book, The Story of O. I was also looking at cuff style bracelets yesterday at the mall (had to get the jump rings to work with Theresa's new collar).
Just something I was liking lol.
I was dreaming of you just before I got up this morning. We were attending a party together. The other attendees were people I had gone to high school with. It was very strange.
I'm highly annoyed with Chris right now. The other day, Colleen told me they couldn't come to the collaring this weekend because they couldn't get a babysitter. Now I see no another e-list that he's a "maybe" for their munch on Saturday. That means one of two things...they lied about the babysitter (unlikely) or he's going to dump the kids on Colleen and leave them home while he goes out and parties. Either way he's acting like a total schmuck.
I wondered that in the car on the way home this evening. Just a thought since if you aren't, there are things I need to talk to you about.
It occurred to me this evening that sometimes I must seem terribly pathetic. I want very much to please the people I care about. I think that desire leaves me looking too eager sometimes. I don't want to disappoint, so I offer all I have. And, truth be know, in many cases I am eager because I want to spend time with you.
Some other things occurred to me, too.
I stopped myself last night. You mentioned turning 30 this year and my first inclination was to ask if you'd like a party. I stopped myself for two reasons (at least these are the ones I thought of).
1. Though it terrifies me to think about it, I know, realistically, that you could be deployed by then.
2. I don't want to "plan" because planning implies hope and I don't know if that is allowed.
Look, I know you are far more interested in swinging than poly. And right now that works for both of us. But ultimately, I am a polyamorous person. I genuinely care about the people in my life and with time that care may simply become too much for you. I'm not saying I'm madly in love with you, because I'm not. I care about you and I hope you care for me too. I just don't want to get hurt again...i'm gunshy as hell and I don't even know why I'm bothering to write all this down.
I guess what i'm ultimately saying is that a "real" relationship is possible and i'm certainly open to that possiblity. Not knowing if you are leaves me biting my tongue and keeping my distance.
Oh to hell with it...never mind anyway. I'm just rambling.
I honestly don't have much to say tonight. It was very nice to see you today, even for a short time. I love to see you smiling like you were today :)
I started working on something today. I won't tell you what it is because there is always the possibility that my hands will give out and it won't get done. So far they're holding up rather well, so I'm hopeful. I hope you like it when it's finished.
I hope you'll have some time to spend with me later this week. I'm still hoping you'll be able to attend Keith and Theresa's collaring. It's on Saturday.
Just waiting :)
Sep. 13th, 2002 at 6:15 PM
to hear from you so that I know when you'll be arriving. I really have missed you this week. You have no idea what it means to hear your voice and know that you missed me too.
I can think of all sorts of things to help you relax. The stress and strain in your voice last night was hard for me to hear because I couldn't do anything to make it go away. Tonight I can and will.
R offered something this afternoon after I talked to you. If you like, you can stay here for a couple of days (ie the two days you have off or if you wanted any other time). It was strange to hear him offer that and hear how much he meant it when he said he thought it would be a good idea...give us time to spend without either of us having to be somewhere else. He really likes you...respects you and is impressed by the way you treat me. It makes it so much easier for me to see you when he's this comfortable. While I know, deep down, that you staying here for any length of time (more than an over night) is likely not going to happen, the fact that he offered is important. We had a room mate once. We both swore never again. But he's comfortable enough with you to offer you space in our home for a somewhat extended time...that's a big thing for him.
I so very much want to take some pictures of you. I hope you'll let me :D.
I'm rambling today, sorry. A lot of things rolling around in my brain right now. Hope to hear from you soon.
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
Just waiting :)
Sep. 13th, 2002 at 6:15 PM
to hear from you so that I know when you'll be arriving. I really have missed you this week. You have no idea what it means to hear your voice and know that you missed me too.
I can think of all sorts of things to help you relax. The stress and strain in your voice last night was hard for me to hear because I couldn't do anything to make it go away. Tonight I can and will.
R offered something this afternoon after I talked to you. If you like, you can stay here for a couple of days (ie the two days you have off or if you wanted any other time). It was strange to hear him offer that and hear how much he meant it when he said he thought it would be a good idea...give us time to spend without either of us having to be somewhere else. He really likes you...respects you and is impressed by the way you treat me. It makes it so much easier for me to see you when he's this comfortable. While I know, deep down, that you staying here for any length of time (more than an over night) is likely not going to happen, the fact that he offered is important. We had a room mate once. We both swore never again. But he's comfortable enough with you to offer you space in our home for a somewhat extended time...that's a big thing for him.
I so very much want to take some pictures of you. I hope you'll let me :D.
I'm rambling today, sorry. A lot of things rolling around in my brain right now. Hope to hear from you soon.
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
I stopped at Priscilla's today and saw something that was rather interesting...it was a "make your own dildo" kit. Just tickled me...too bad it was so expensive. Heaven knows I thought about it hard :D.
I'm sorry my stress seems to have worn off on you. I hope that things will settle down for you. I'd love to be able to take you to the beach on Sunday, get you out in the sun and sand and help you relax. Of course if you're too tired for that, I can think of other, less strenuous ways to help you let go of your stress.
I've missed you something terrible this week. I wish I could have done something this evening to help take the strain from your voice. You know I'd drive up there to help you clean and pack if you needed it.
I'll bring you anything you like when I come tomorrow. I hope you'll like the baked ziti and I'll see about making you chili to eat this week.
Today was calm for the most part. Took me forever to get Keith and Theresa to leave and I was running late, but it all worked out in the end.
I will absolutely call you when I get up in the morning. You know I'd love to see you. I hope you are doing okay. Your IM sounded a bit down. I miss you something terrible :D.
Thankfully, my cycle is fully over and even the residual pain has faded. Everything can go back to normal now :). I do have to tell you that I have not been taking my bag with me when I go to Fayetteville. I've been afraid I'd get searched. I will, however, bring it when I see you tomorrow. The MPs haven't been opening anything in my car thus far anyway.
What do you think of the beach idea? Get you out in the sun and sand and help you relax...maybe go for a nice dinner afterward...maybe stay the night? Let me know. I'd love for you to join us.
Tuesday Morning
Sep. 10th, 2002 at 9:15 AM
Well, the "Remember 9/11" posts are flooding my inbox. As though I could forget.
Every day I think about us being at war, how it is strange to know that former students are in Afghanistan, and how terrified I am of you being deployed.
I know I said there was something about your deployment status I needed to talk to you about, it is only this. If and when that time comes (and realistically I know it will), I would ask that you please give my name and contact information to someone who is on your "official" notification list (ie, your family) so that God forbid something should happen to you, I would know. You could give them "our" name (both R and me) so it wouldn't seem as strange. I just don't want to hear your name on the radio in Fayetteville. I hope you can understand why I would ask something like this. You are a part of my life, my friend (with benefits :D ) and I care about you.
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Sep. 10th, 2002
9:40 PM
The closer we get to the anniversary, the harder my heart seems to become. I'm avoiding the television, avoiding the discussions. I don't want to talk about the war.
I will NEVER forget. I have always supported the military and our war against those who would harm us. I just cannot watch the memorials, cannot see those towers struck by planes and fall in a cloud of dust and flame.
I know you are feeling down. One thing I know I will do tomorrow is to tell those I care about how much they mean to me. That includes you. You blew into my life, filled a space in my life that was aching for someone like you, and I want you to know that your friendship is very important to me. You talk to me, don't treat me like an idiot. That's important.
Sleep well tonight. Know that all you ever need do is call me and I will be there for you.
I got a phone call today from someone I have not heard from in about 3 years. This woman had been a member of the coven R and I used to have and left under less than friendly terms. Out of the blue she calls today. Asks a bunch of questions, most of which I answered very guardedly.
The only good thing about the call was it stopped the crying jag I was on. I am having the worst morning. I missed two deadlines in my training class over the weekend (misread the due date). I am trying to finish the New Hire Packet of information to get it to them by wednesday and I have been downloading one file for 20 minutes and can't get one of the others to print.
R left the car "on" over the weekend so the battery was dead this morning. It still isn't fixed and he's driving it with no brake lights.
Can I have permission to just sit in a corner and bang my head against a wall today?
Sep. 8th, 2002
6:33 PM
Colleen and her girls just left. I think I'm exhausted. I don't remember the last time I spent so much time with anyone's children. They were sweet kids, but gosh I'm glad I don't have any of my own.
You got lucky, Sir. You were out of town for my cycle. It's been a bad one. I was in tears Friday night. The pain hasn't been this bad in a very long time. But I think it's nearly over.
I'm missing you. Hoping to hear from you soon. I also hope you'll be able to attend the Collaring on the 21st. I know Keith and Theresa would like for you to be there.
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Something You Offered
Sep. 8th, 2002 at 7:37 PM
You asked me if weight loss was something I wanted. When I said yes, you said it was something you could help me with. Are you still up to that challenge? Let me know.
Groups:communities, bitchlist, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Feeling Weepy
Sep. 8th, 2002 at 9:13 PM
I'm not even entirely sure why, but I feel like crying tonight.
It's almost like my soul knows something is wrong and my head hasn't caught on yet. There's no reason I know of that I should feel this way tonight.
Groups:Griffin, communities, peopleiknow, bitchlist, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
It's Getting Late
Sep. 8th, 2002 at 11:50 PM
and I'm still not asleep. I don't know where this insomnia is coming from but it is frustrating as heck. I've been missing you today, hoping you'd call.
I don't want to be a bother or a burden. You are free to tell me you need more space at any time. I've been spoiled these past two weeks because I've seen you so often. I like spending time with you. Even Friday when you slept most of the day was a wonderful time for me. To know you trust me enough to sleep when I am with you means a lot to me.
At least I don't seem to be feeling weepy any more. I'm getting tired, maybe I'll be able to get some sleep soon.
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
Something came up this evening that I need to talk with you about. I didn't like the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that the topic left me with.
We haven't discussed certain things…expectations I have of a relationship…and that is a part of what bothered me this evening.
R was talking to Colleen, from the Labor Day party…they've been talking a lot. She asked if I knew you had IM'd her. I did know…you had asked me for her screen name. I just never thought to ask what you had chatted with her about.
I won't gainsay you. I have no right to say who you can and cannot see, nor would I want to do that. I just want to ask that you please tell me if you are seriously considering playing with someone. It's part of my ability to make informed decisions. I don't want or need details, just basic information. If you tell me these things, I don't have that momentary flinch that is an artifact from having been lied to so many times.
I told you once that I would never promise not to get jealous. That usually it was a momentary thing that might need a bit of reassurance from you, but that I would be okay. I know you like to flirt and while the twinges have been there, I've been okay. But I've also seen how surprised you've been that so many women find you appealing in our circle of friends and I wonder if perhaps you feel as though you chose me too hastily and are missing out on something better.
I guess I'm asking two things here…
1. Please let me know if you are seriously considering another play partner.
2. Please just tell me, "Everything is okay."
I'm sorry to be so difficult. I'm afraid and fear makes me behave this way.
I thought about this subject on my way home today...no radio in the car.
As much as I would rather lie and say what I did was not intentional disobedience...I can't. While it was not initially a conscious decision, it became so the minute I realized I hadn't done what you requested. For that I have no excuse and can only apologize for my behavior.
I will do as you requested, flaming cheeks (the upper ones) be damned. If you feel it is necessary to punish me, I will, of course, accept your decision. I was wrong and can do nothing more than admit it and change any future instances of such behavior.
I still haven't slept. I'm feeling wide awake right now.
I hope you had a safe trip. Let me know when you are home. I miss you already (I know...we just spent most of a day together...call me a glutton).
Thursday Morning
Sep. 5th, 2002 at 8:36 AM
I'm doing far better today. My brain feels a lot more balanced and I'm caught up on a lot of my work and with the munch cancelled on saturday, i'll be able to get completely caught up.
I know there were things I wanted to talk about but right now I can't think of them. I'll have some time later today to sit down with my palm and type up whatever comes to mind.
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Sep. 5th, 2002
9:56 PM
What was I saying about feeling better? I got to Lumberton to have a document notarized and when I went out to my car to leave, the damned thing wouldn't shift out of park again. I called R at 4 and he said they were still working on it. At this point, we don't even have enough money in our checking account to cover the labor charges. I guess I'll have to call my mother and ask if I can borrow some money until the end of the month when I get paid. I hate doing that It makes me feel like a failure. Like I can't make it on my own as an adult.
And, although I don't know the details yet, April showed up on our doorstep right about the time I called R to tell him about the car. The more I think about her propensity toward inappropriate behavior, the more I wonder why we put up with her for as long as we did. You don't just show up at someone's home. If you want to talk to them, call, send an email, whatever. Don't drive and hour down and back to their home with no warning whatsoever.
I wanted so much to write about happier things today. I wanted to tell you I was feeling better and getting caught up on work. I wanted to tell you that I'd love to see you this weekend, but tomorrow is really the only day our schedules would be compatible and now I'm sure it'll be taken up with the damned car. Of course, we probably won't be going to Asheboro now...no money for gas. I just want to sit down somewhere and bang my head against a wall. It seems to be the most productive thing I could possibly do right now.
I talked to R. The tracker is home but not entirely fixed. I do have an option...I may be able to take it to the FTCC automotive classes to have it fixed and it wouldn't cost us the $200-1500 the dealership wants. In the meantime, I need to see about getting another sticker for the car so I don't have to get searched every time I drive onto base in the Aspire. The only good thing was that R didn't have to pay the dealership any more money.
Did I ever tell you how much I love the taste of you? Your mouth always tastes so wonderful. The rest of you ain't half bad either :P.
My mind is working in about thirty directions right now. I'm sorry to dump all this on you like this, but if I don't get it out, it'll fester and get worse. I'll feel better soon. I always do.
I hope I'll be able to see you at some point this weekend. I'm guessing you have off tomorrow and work Saturday morning to Sunday morning. I know you want to visit your family too.
At some time I'm going to get up the nerve to talk to you and ask you about your deployment status...To be frank it scares the hell out of me. You asked me the other night how I felt about you...I told you the truth. I care about what happens to you. I've let you into my life and you're now on the "Worry About" list :). There are issues that "non-traditional" relationships have when it comes to difficult times...I don't want to talk about this right now...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up if I wasn't ready to talk about it.
We need to talk about what you want from me as far as the shapeshifting ideas go. I can point you toward some information and I can write a guided meditation for you if you like, but I don't know what else you want or need. I would strongly suggest that you look into some shammanism texts (you know i'm happy to loan you any that I have). I know you don't have a lot of time for reading (unless they'll let you read on CQ. If that is the case, I can cover the books or loan you my cloth book covers so that only truly nosey people will know what you are reading.
You know, I'd like to meet Bob and Sandy (wasn't that his wife's name?). Bob is on the Sandhills list as hotdragoninnc@yahoo.com. I thought I remembered that id from Sunny and Paula's Fayetteville Swinger's list. Perhaps Sandy and I might work together on the shapeshifter stuff for you.
I think I've rambled enough for one day. This post has no continuity. I guess I'll quit for now. I miss you and hope to hear from you. Pat Brandon for me.
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Last night, I stopped at Lowes Foods on the way home...the tracker is still in the parking lot. The brake-light switch has apparently gone bad and it won't shift out of park.
Now, this morning, I find out that April has been blabbing to others about what happened here on Monday. That was the last straw...she's no longer welcome in our home or at any of our events. I will be drafting an email at some point today. It's not safe t have her in attendance if she's going to tell anyone who was here or what went on.
My head hurts...
I took the day of, so I won't be going to Fayetteville today. I hope to have the car fixed soon. I'll probably have to take R's car tomorrow...hassle and a half having to get checked at the gate.
I'm so tired today. We didn't get to sleep last night (this morning) until after 5. I hope you made it home safely.
I've been thinking about why I got so upset last night. I honestly don't know. I know I was thinking about how decidedly uncomfortable and embarassing your request would be, but it also terrified me. If you want to know that I think of you throughout the day, are there other ways to do it? I don't like feeling that I've disappointed you or like i'm pushing you to do something in a way you'd rather not, but the mere thought of what you asked last night has me in tears again and I don't even know for sure why.
I think the lack of sleep has left me overly emotional. I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I got up at 9:30 when R's alarm went off and finished my lecture for my training class and posted it. I'm honestly too tired to give serious consideration to the discussion in the class so I'm not even going to attempt it yet.
I did have a couple of questions:
1. Do you want me to call and let you know when I've arrived and/or am leaving Fayetteville?
2. Will you please consider a different option for knowing that you're on my mind throughout each day? I don't like telling you "no," but I just can't do it. Something about that request raises an irrational terror in me and I can't get past that right now.
I'll be leaving between 1 and 2...you should be able to reach my cell phone by 2.
Groups:Griffin, bitchlist, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Sep. 3rd, 2002
10:15 PM
I'm sorry to have worried you today. Just as you know you periodically have times when you need to be alone, I know I periodically have times when the world feels like it has rolled over me and left behind little more than a tiny smudge.
Usually these episodes are preceded by stressful events. R's unemployment runs out on Wednesday of next week. His business isn't doing well and he hasn't looked for a job outside the business in four months. He made $900 last month and we can't live on that. Add to my worries on that front the feeling that I'm pushing myself as far and fast as I can to help take up the slack while he argues with people on some list online and the stress levels boil over. I know my statement above isn't the full truth. I also know that it is harsher than I would ever actually say to him. I don't want to anger you by sharing these things, I just want you to understand what set me off and running this morning.
Yes, the thought of the request you made yesterday terrified me, but that was an amplified reaction. Mostly I think my body needed a physical release of the tension I've been allowing to build for weeks and the crying was as good a way as any.
Now for the "bad" news. I did not do what you asked me to do as far as the anal training. You told me to use the plug three times each day and I did not do it at all today.
It embarasses the heck out of me to even think about it, to be absolutely honest. If I ask R to help me, he takes it as an invitation to have sex. If I don't, I have to explain why I don't want his help but I need some privacy. He almost never leaves the house before I do. I have very little privacy and this is something I feel requires privacy. I'm not saying I won't do it. I'm just telling you what is going on in my head. You wanted honesty...I will not hold things back or lie to you.
As for the anal experience from last night...it surprised the heck out of me that it didn't hurt. I know it is hard for me to relax enough for you to use my body this way because I am focused on maintaining control over my orgasm. There was something incredibly sensual about the feel of you sliding slowly into my body.
The orgasm control is hard for me. I fight it with each movement of your body. You are a skillful lover with a determined strength and sensual style. I could spend hours under you, above you, beside you and in front of you. I hope that my lack of "enthusiasm" isn't a problem. It certainly isn't an accurate representation of how you make me feel. Rather it is my iron control asserting itself.
Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? There are certain parts of my life in which I must maintain total control in order to feel safe. With you, I offer alll of them up and am left with only controlling my body to please you. It is an interesting dichotomy. I surrender control to you and you ask me to maintain it.
Have you ever heard of sub-drop or Dom-drop...it is the depressive feelings that often arise after an intense D/s scene. It can be experienced by either Dom or sub and the outcome is often similar to the triggers I had this morning. Yesterday was a particularly intense day for me. Prior to your arrival I was the hostess...an equal to all in attendance. When you arrived, there was a paradigm shift for me. Suddenly I belonged to you and not myself. The change in thought process hit when I realized what I had done in getting the bowl for Chris without asking your permission. The later physical aspects...I'm not one for public play of a sexual nature...it is embarassing for me, yet your desire to have me pleasure you overrode my usual prim self and I set to the task without a thought for the others in the room...that was a big step for me.
I think some of my depression and melancholy today may be a form of sub-drop. I know that talking with you and seeing you made me feel much better. I wasn't fishing for an invite...not overtly at least...but seeing you made a big difference.
I'm still exhausted and still a little down...there are so many factors contributing to my state of mind right now that I am going to feel down for a little bit...but I am feeling a lot better. Thank you for understanding. I'm trying very hard to obey you...I'm trying not to stress. I can't promise never, but I can promise to do all in my power to reduce my stress levels.
I'm sitting here reading the latest issue of Domsub Lifestyles ezine. (http://www.domsublifestyle.com/home.html). They have some really good writers working for them. I've been enjoying the ezine for several months. This month's topics seem to focus on the Dominant. I need to send the link to Sunny for him to read the tips and discussions. He's been doing a lot of reading lately.
I will be wearing one of my denim dresses today unless I hear from you before then and you want me to wear something else. Of course, I'll be happy to change clothes after your arrival to whatever you want me to wear.
I will put my collar on when I dress and meet you at your car with my leash. I'm getting so spoiled seeing you so often :). It's been wonderful to hear in your voice that you want to see me...that you aren't just seeing me because it's been two weeks and I'm getting antsy. And I smile every time you call me babe :D.
Well, I need to get my tuchas in gear...get the vacuuming done and litter boxes cleaned. Folks will be here sooner than I think ;). Sleep well. I'll see you soon.
Sunday Morning
Sep. 1st, 2002 at 9:45 AM
I feel so sluggish this morning. Almost lethargic. Someone would think I'd been up too late last night :).
I had a wonderful evening with you. I'm so glad you and R had the chance to talk "shop." It is important to me that the two of you get along well. He likes you, trusts you with me...he was impressed with how you treat me.
I'm still feeling loggy...like my head is floating. Too much of a good thing I think :D.
It was good to just talk last night. We seem to think alike on a lot of subjects. I wanted to tell you how much it means to me that you've set limits and boundaries and stick to them. If for some unforeseen reason I should suddenly get "bratty," the likely root cause is feeling my boundaries have changed and searching for them. If I feel myself leaning that way, I will mention it.
I wanted to again tell you that the DP was not something that was imperative. R was laughing last night as he admitted that unless we find someone who has no legs, he's unlikely to be able to acomplish it himself. It's something that can remain in the "fantasy" category :).
As for the threesome...I think our immediate best bet will be Theresa. She's the most stable woman I know who would be available for something like that. I'll let you meet her on Monday. Then the likely best course of action would be for me to ask if she were interested and for you to then ask Keith if he would share her (he does share Theresa...both when he's involved and when he isn't...it would be a respect thing). After Theresa, I'll have to look. I know a couple of other women who would be available, but are unsuitable because they're a little too neurotic.
We'll see if you like Theresa and if not, we'll go from there.
Hope you have a good day at work. Looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow (i'm getting spoiled...seeing you so much...I love it!).
Groups:Griffin, family, Victoria
Leave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Thoughts after reading something
Sep. 1st, 2002 at 8:52 PM
I get the articles from Jack Rinella's site sent to my email. He's a gay Master who writes for the community. His writing is often insightful and always honest and forthright.
I was reading his essay, "Things to Know About Training a Slave" and smiling all the way. So much of his advice is present in how you treat me, speak to me, expect things of me, etc. It was just nice to see someone else who believed you were doing things so right.
We spoke a little last night of how there are fakes on both sides of the aisle. Being with you, hearing your expectations and knowing that you will hold to them has only intensified my belief that my life in the BDSM community has thus far been plagued by fakes.
I know this likely sounds like "sucking up," but that isn't the case actually. It's hard for me to express to you how much it means to know that your expectations of me and my behavior don't change from one moment to the next. To know that if I did misstep, either intentionally or accidentally, you would correct it appropriately.
I'm rambling, I think. Getting tired. BTW...you'll have to tell me a little more specifically how you like your coffee. I get the feeling I messed it up last night.
![[private post]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/icon_private.gif "[private post]"){kind=icon}