What Dreams May Come

I woke this morning from the kind of dream that makes me wish I could turn over and go back without ever waking again. It was everything I want, everything I need, and everything I fear will never happen.

I was in service to a family. I cared for them individually, from parents to children. I cared for their guests when they visited. I worked in their various businesses as a treasured employee as well as recruiter and trainer. I also recruited and trained for their household staff.

I was treasured. I was valued. I was cared for. I was loved. I was honored and I was honorable. In short, I served.

I know that this dream comes from my thoughts of service as a vocation and the emotional state I seem to always find myself in when I read any of Laura's books. But knowing those things doesn't make my desires any less real or the pain I felt upon waking any less sharp.

The situation in the dream was exactly what I really want. A family to serve. One who will value me and my service and USE my skills. One who will allow me to love them, will love me in return, but not enmesh either of us in being "in love" with one another.

I know this will be on my mind for some time to come. It is the first time I've dreamed such an exact situation with me as the central servant rather than an observer. I am the only one who can make any of this happen. I am the only one who can be open to finding the right situation and I am. I know what I want. I know what I need. Now I need to find it.

Dreams

I've often dreamed of being in service again. Last night I had one of those dreams. This dream differed from others in two small, but significant ways. The first is that my subconscious mind put a familiar face on the person to who, in was bound in service. It was a person I admire a great deal and who I would enjoy serving if I thought for half a moment they would be interested in such service. The second difference was the gender of the individual to whom I was tied. On the past my dreams have always been of being in service to men or organizations. Last night's dream showed merge joy of being in service to a woman. A GQ woman, but a woman nonetheless.

I miss the connection to an owner. I miss the joy of service. I miss the calm that comes from knowing my presence in an owner's life brings them peace and joy.

I know I'm not gay. But I also know I'm attracted to power more than anything else. I'm rambling now because I just don't know what my brain is trying to tell me about what I need in my life.

Disturbing dream

I just woke up from a dream that left me shaking.

I was helping JD with his daughter...getting information on how to appeal her absences and things like that (a real life situation). As I was leaving the school, I received a phone call. It was a woman who identified herself as Gladys or Glenys...my dream brain identified her as JD's ex-mother-in-law. She called me horrible names and threatened to tell people nasty things about me if I didn't get over to JD's ex-wife's house. She was doing this because she knew how angry JD would be to find me there.

I went in order to placate the woman. She met me there...verbally abused me some more...and went somewhere else in the house when JD arrived with his daughter. The daughter was okay with me being there. I begged JD not to be angry until he could hear the explanation of why I was there. He agreed and I made dinner for the two of them.

Later, he put his daughter to bed and I told him why I was there. He was angry with the ex-mother-in-law and went looking for her. We ended up outside with a bunch of biker types who accepted me with no qualms and ostracized the ex-mother-in-law.

I don't know for certain why this dream is bothering me so much. I don't even know if Gladys or Glenys is the woman's name...I'm sure I heard the name at least once but I don't know for sure. I just know that I feel uncomfortable about it and I woke up shaking.