Thoughts for today

I've found myself thinking of you throughout the day. As I left the house to run errands and head for Fayetteville I hoped the message I planned to leave on your voice mail would be sufficient to explain why I did not call you back. I am sure I heard you say you'd call me, but of course I could be mistaken. I certainly wasn't deliberately disobeying you.

I've had a few very pleasant flashbacks from yesterday. One of the advantages to having an active imagination is my brain will choose pleasant experiences, especially intense physical experiences, and bring them back to me complete with all the phsyical sensations associated with the original experience. In the past, I've come close to orgasm a few times just from flashbacks.

I thought about what you said regarding the "nickname" and how you thought it was strange that I wouldn't call you Master, but I'd choose the welsh word for it. I'm not sure why I did that. I do know, that truth be told, I'm not all that comfortable with nicknames anyway. I have a tendency to call people by their full names...for example, Richard went by Rich when I met him. Now he use Richard because I call him that. If it wouldn't bother you immensely, I'd call you Terrance rather than Terry. It's just a quirk of being me, I suppose. Maye it comes from having a short name that can't be easily changed to anything else. Nicknames also sometimes strike me as a place for someone to hide the truth of themselves. I know that many people in the BDSM community use a nickname or screen name to protect their privacy, but I'm far more comfortable without them. I'm not saying I won't use a nickname for you (and I will tell you it will certainly be easier for me to write it than say it) but I will be honest and tell you it will take time before I am comfortable with it.

You know I am comfortable with Sir. Know, too, that should I refer to you for some reason in a venue where you are not open (ie. a submissive support group I belong to on Yahoo), I would never use your name. I would simply say, "my Sir."

I told you that I've never been collared. I've also always waited for permission--express permission--to refer to either me or the Dominant I was seeing as "together." I try not to presume.

I wonder what you are thinking as the day progresses. You ask me that same question fairly often and I answer honestly each time. Sometimes I really am thinking nothing. Other times my thoughts are too jumbled to express.

I hope you won't regret asking me to keep this journal. It is extremely helpful for me to be able to write these things down and know that evenutally you will read them and even respond to them.

I know I can be difficult and sometimes I ask a lot of questions. I hope you'll be patient with me as I am finding my place and learning my role and your rules.

Decision to make

The second week of July will mark six months since Sir wandered into my life.

It all started with a post to CarolinaBDSM that I was thinking of looking for a Dom again after 6 mos out of the community all together. Then a denied "add" on my yahoo messenger. I usually deny adds to my messenger list if I don't recognize the screen name and his is so terribly tacky that I denied it immediately. Thankfully, he sent an email directly to me and we started talking. It's a little disconcerting that I nearly missed him because of that ridiculous screen name.

It has been a somewhat contentious six months. We've had our ups and downs as we got used to being in each other's lives. The worst was learning how to communicate with each other in a way that the other understood. We're both emotional beings and we clash often because of it. Since the "Big Talk" however, I have noticed him making a concerted effort to include me in his thoughts and make sure I understand rather than using his "need to know" policy and assuming I'm okay. I know that I have been trying very hard to hope instead of expect and to accept what I receive from him as enough without second guessing any of it. I've been happier and much more content since that shift.

Now I need to decide if I want to do something that he's requested twice. I do not address Sir as Master. Master is a word that, to me, entails so much more than Sir. It implies ownership. Without a collar of any kind from Sir, I don't know that I feel comfortable calling him Master. I do know that I am uncomfortable in public lifestyle events without him because I do not have a collar...I feel untethered, lost. I've told him this, but I know his feelings on collars and I don't see them changing. He did give me permission to wear a choker to our last meet and greet, even if that permission came too late.

So I will be thinking about this for the next week to decide if I will change how I address him and what that will mean.