Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry. I was feeling better by mid afternoon on Sunday, but I really had to vent to get that far.

I'm human and when I feel threatened or excluded, I get resentful and lash out. I't obviously better for me to lash out in writing here than on J at home (which was a near thing by Sunday morning...I get the feeling he knew that because he backed off a few times).

I need to work on an essay regarding these issues...something on how to handle one's emotions when the time is not right to talk about them. I then need to do that because I was not behaving well Saturday night or Sunday morning.

Feeling bitchy

Mar. 19th, 2006 at 12:11 AM

Right now I'm pissed off and resentful as hell. I HATE being the workhorse...the only one doing anything of consequence.

For crying out fucking loud...all i wanted to do was have a little bit of relaxation today because i knew what sunday was going to be like. But no, i had to freaking waste the day editing a video we won't even be using because that's what he wanted.

Then we filmed the fucking replacement video and rather than relax and socialize with K, I had to fucking start editing that...which I did until D showed up. Then it was hurry up and get ready to film some more. Then run to walmart because the background sucked and needed to be wider. Then film. Then when everyone else in the fucking house is playing, what am I doing? I'm fucking caputuring the goddammed video.

He's barely come near me since the Drs appt last Friday. He spends hours on the fucking computer "training" women from god knows where and inviting them to come here (and offering to "help" with their plane tickets). He doesn't have a motherfucking job...so guess whose money he's offering?

I'm so pissed off right now I don't even know what to do.

I'm not even entirely sure where to start this today. J and I were talking in the car last night and when he asked me "What are you?" I simply couldn't get the word slave past my lips. That led to a correction where he chastized me for allowing my own personal hang-ups to interfere with his orders. Because I hesitated in answering, he couldn't continue the discussion.

He also chastized me for allowing prior experiences in my life to color my interactions with him. My fear of surrender stems so much from my fear of abandonment and betrayal...something reinforced with every relationship I've ever had with a man...beginning with my father and ending with T.

Fear of loss has always been my worst enemy. I find myself in a relationship where I'm generally happy and comfortable and because I am happy and comfortable, I begin to fear it will be taken from me. That fear builds when the other person in the relationship looks for others outside the relationship who could replace me. While I can generally deal with those issues and the jealousy which comes up, sometimes I simply need to hear the words, "It's ok. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not looking for a replacement for you," but I don't know how to ask for these words and not have them be forced.

I am ok in poly relationships but I am personally monogomous at my own core. I'm not interested in playing with, having sex with, or serving anyone else by my own personal choices. I will do these things if told to, but my choice would not be to go outside the relationship for these things.

Honestly I guess everything here and everything which came up last night can be boiled down to one thing...fear. I'm afraid I'm being used. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid I'm going to be left alone. I'm afriad to trust that what is happening is real and will last.

J is so different from the men I've previously had D/s relationships with and yet in some ways he's very similar to them. He demands and accepts my surrender in a way no one else has--that is the main difference and benefit to this relationship over past relationships. His quest for others and my feelings of inadequacy because he quests is what is similar. And I fully realize he doesn't make me feel inadequate...I make me feel inadequate. But at the same time, it is behavior familiar to me which triggers that fear I spoke of earlier.

This isn't helping, so I'm going to stop now.