Tuesday Afternoon Thoughts

It was incredibly good to hear from you today. Just seeing you name on my caller id made me smile. Hearing your voice was wonderful and it helped to lay to rest the doubts I was already coming to terms with today.

You saw what I posted this morning so you know I was already doing better. There were still the little fears, hoping you were okay, praying nothing dratic had happened. My heart leapt when I heard a soldier had died on Fort Bragg...

Like I said sometime earlier in the week, I don't want or need details...knowing you will be home on Thursday is enough to set my heart and mind at ease.

I will make certain that other than my class from 5-7:30 my schedule will be open on Thursday. Do you want me to check with R about spending the night? He would want to know in advance for something like that.

I'm half nervous about reading your comments in my journal when I get home. I know some of the entries from the past week have been defeatist and depressing. I hope I was clear that it is my own make up that leaves me feeling this way rather than anything you might do or say.

I hope all is well with you and your family. R said something about a nephew? Family can be a wonderful thing. I have three stepsisters, a natural sister (who I just found thirteen months ago) and among them and my sister-in-law there are 5 nieces and 4 nephews. We dont see much of any of them. In fact I've never met my step-sister's kids.

Class is ready to start. I'll read your email and comments when I get home.

Random Tuesday Ramblings

You know, I was thinking about it and realized that you said something to me about going off for some Military Alphabet Soup kind of thing that at the time I didn't understand. I'm going to assume it was something that meant you'd be gone a while. I only wish I knew for how long.

I'm actually doing far better today than I was when I wrote the entry last evening. You'll contact me when you get back. That's all I can ask for. I hope you are well and safe and will be home soon.

The Letter

This is the letter I drafted to JD. I haven't sent it yet. I'm pretty sure I will, but I want to think about it for a bit first.

************************************************************************
You lying sack of shit! I cannot believe that I trusted you when not a single word that ever came out of your mouth was the truth! What gives you the right to hurt people, to lie to them, to deliberately play upon their good nature just so you can get laid? You are the worst form of low level life I have ever come across. Did it turn you on when I cried, is that why you intentionally set out to hurt me from the moment we met?
Did you love the fact that a single word from you was enough to make me cry. Did you get your rocks off when you knew I cried and worried for DAYS when your phantasmal girlfriend slit her wrists? Did it matter to you that I blamed myself for another human being's pain? Obviously not.
I know you are still married. I know there is no Susan. I know that you continued to spend time with Gloria. I know that every word you ever said to me was a LIE! No wonder you were so afraid of anyone knowing of me. You were cheating on your wife and stood a very real chance of losing everything you found important over getting laid.
I hope you enjoyed it, you sorry excuse for a man. I've NEVER, not even when we were swinging and the men couldn't keep it up, been with a lover as selfish as you. No wonder you had no problem treating me like a whore. All you ever wanted was a fuck and you didn't have to pay me. Instead, you got the added bonus of a woman with a giving nature who filled your toybag for you. I pray to God and Goddess that no other woman ever falls for your line of bullshit. I'd rather see my hard work ROT than to know you laid a hand on anyone else and lied to another unsuspecting soul.
I was the sinking ship, right? I was the one the local community considered a pariah. Guess what, asshole, your goose is cooked. No submissive who knows anyone in the lifestyle is ever going to believe you ever again. You fucked up. Enough people know the truth now and have seen the pain you inflicted on one of your victims. No one is going to allow you to do it to anyone else.
What gave you the right to destroy my emotional well being? I keep coming back to the supposed suicide attempt. That is the single cruelest thing anyone has EVER done to me. You allowed me to believe that because of my weakness, my inaction, another human being attempted to take their life. You let me believe that, all the while knowing that 1) there was no girlfriend in the first fucking place and 2) the whole story was just something you made up to get out of keeping a promise to me. How dare you intentionally harm anyone's emotional well-being just so your wife and kids wouldn't find out about your fuck on the side?
I confused the hell out you, didn't I? I was HONEST to a fault. I told you and my husband everything and you didn't know how to deal with that. But for some reason you decided you wanted me, wanted something from me. Was I convenient? Was that it? Or was it because I reminded you of your WIFE? You sick son of a bitch. Can't fuck your wife as much as you want (or at all since she's so sick all the time) so you went out and found a woman who reminded you of her and fucked her over.
I hope you've enjoyed yourself. I hope you smiled every time you remembered what I did for you, every blow job, every abortive attempt at sex, every premature ejaculation, every blow you laid upon my skin. I hope you enjoyed it because Karma is a bitch. I was willing to just let it go and let the universe deal with you and the lies I knew about. Part of my faith is acting in accord, doing what I can to help the Divine bring justice and return the balance. Know that I will make sure no unsuspecting woman ever falls for your lies again. I will be sure to tell anyone who asks that you are a liar and a cheat. And I will turn to the Divine and ask for justice.
I pray your children never learn what a horrible man their father is. Don't worry, I'd never bring your family into your own pool of shit as you go down. I care too much about your children to ever hurt them. But someday your daughter is going to look for a husband. Do you really want her to find one "just like her Daddy?"
Stay the hell away from me. You don't deserve the energy I've already put into this email and it is the last thing you'll ever get from me.

Saturday morning

I'm about to go make deviled eggs for this evening's party. Friends of ours, S and P, are coming with us so I'll be adequately protected. S is 6'2" and about 250-275 and very protective of me. He's a very good friend.

I'm trying very had to not be worried or upset that I haven't heard from you since Tuesday. While I certainly do not expect detailed itineraries or explanations of your comings and goings I would appreciate a note or phone call if at all possible to let me know you'll be gone for an extended period of time. I recognize that your job limits your ability to tell folks your whereabouts, but a little, "I'm fine and will be back in a week" kind of note would certainly set my mind at ease.

There have been a lot of people in my life, especially lately, who have felt perfectly justified in using me and my giving nature to obtain what they wanted only to discard me when they had it. I admit I am paranoid and I hate feeling this way.

You weren't able to respond to any of my questions so I won't be wearing a collar this evening. I will be wearing an opaque top under my lace jacket and I won't be sending you pictures of what I looked like before we left for the event. The beginnings of relationships are hardest for me. I'm stilling finding the edges of acceptable behavior and I don't want to push over them. I'm trying so hard to be patient and keep my head up. My worth isn't tied to serving anyone, but my heart and soul are tied to service and I hate the idea that I might make mistakes where my heart and soul can be hurt again.

Friday Midmorning

I don't really have much to say today. I haven't heard from you since Tuesday and so I have nothing new to which I must respond and I don't want to sound like a whiney pain in the tuchas.

Maybe something will come to me later but for now all that is on my mind would be a rehash of everything I wrote yesterday.

Thursday Afternoon Thoughts

I did not call you when I arrived in Fayetteville today. I don't think this was a conscious decision on my part, merely the result of having many places to go and things to get done. I was here for more than an hour before I realized I hadn't called you.

I decided then to wait until you told me whether or not you wanted me to continue to call you upon my arrival in Fayetteville. I will tell you that it is a habit I formed with my last Dom. I would call him when I was in Fayetteville in case he wanted to talk to me or had a few minutes to see me.

As for calling before I head home, I will continue to do that because you specifically requested that I do so on the two occaisions that we spoke this week. I don't want to become a bother or make too many demands, so please understand that calling you without you requesting that I do so will always leave me feeling a little off...

I'm terrified of running people off. I am an over-achiever, so when I am given a task, I tend to complete it as quickly as possible. I am also a feed-back junkie. That means that when I complete a task that has been set for me by someone else, I look to them for confirmation that it was done to their satisfaction. Some people find that part of my personality extremely annoying.

I'm beginning to miss you. Silence is extrememly difficult for me to deal with. I leave the television on when I'm home alone and even fall asleep to it because I cannot stand the silence. Silence brings doubts too. Intellectually I know you are having computer problems and said something about going on leave so I know that your silence since Tuesday night likely means nothing at all. Emotionally, silence is the hardest thing for me to deal with. It opens the door for all the demons that have reared their heads before...the ones screaming "You're nothing. He used you. What made you think you were worth his time?"

Please understand that I do realize these are irrational fears and linked firmly to me and NOT you. I'm writing this more to let you know what is on my mind today than to do anythinig else. You asked for my thoughts, emotions, feelings and fears. These are they.

BTW, I just wanted to tell you that you are welcome to come to our home whenever you have time. Even if all you want to do is skinny dip in the pool, our home is open to you. R likes you. He'd be happy to have you visit both of us whenever you have time.

I'm looking forward to the party on Saturday. I really like Lou and Emm. They are wonderful people and watching them scene together is an experience I am honored to have had. I think you would like them. If you choose to attend any Sandhills events with me you'll likely meet them.

We've been invited to a party on the 31st, too. If you'd like to go, let me know because we haven't decided for sure if we're going. We do have plans to go to the Myrtle Beach BDSM munch on the 7th of September. They are a fun bunch of people and you'd absolutely be welcome to join us. You might even meet my best friend if you attended that one. He's an MB cop and whenever we go down there, we try to see him for at least a few minutes.

And of course you are invited to the Labor Day BBQ we've planned at our house. I'll send you an invitation to it if you like. I just didn't want to presume because it would put your email address on the invitation. I'd love to be with you for any or all of these events but will certainly understand if you already have plans.

As far as monthly repeating events, MBBDSM meets the first Saturday of the month and Sandhills meets the fourth Saturday of the month. We're skipping the Sandhills event this month in favor of holding the Labor Day BBQ instead. If you'd like an invitation to join the Sandhills list, please let me know and I will send you one. We're a small, non-political group of friends with similar interests who get together once a month to kvetch at a local coffee shop.

There are so many things I don't know about you. What kind of music do you like? What's your favorite food? What kind of books do you like to read and who is your favorite author? I'm terribly nosey, I know, but it stems from wanting to know you well enough to serve you better.

For example, if I made stromboli, would you want to be invited for dinner? Stromboli is one of my specialities and I have people who will drive hours to have it :). I'd love to cook for you.

I hope you are well. I miss you. You've invaded my thoughts. I hope to hear from you soon.

Things

I sent Ron (the other Dominant I wrote about yesterday) an email explaining that I was no longer looking for a dominant and cancelling our tentative lunch plans for tomorrow. Dumb me, I forgot we have people coming tomorrow anyway.

I also changed all of my profiles...bondage.com, alt.com, and the three yahoo profiles (chiki_nc, sublookinginnc, shareinnc).

I just talked to Suncom and I can get the text messaging (the ability to send...I can already receive) for $5.00 per month. If you'd like me to do that, I will be happy to. Only reason I haven't done it already is that no one I know has text phones.

I ordered some gorgeous blue leather today. It should be here by Monday and I'll make the collar. I also ordered some more of the silver locks I've had before...sold the two I originally bought.

On the topic of what to wear on Saturday...would you prefer I wear an opaque or translucent top under my lace jacket? The translucent top is lace as well, but with the jacket over it, you can't see much more than a shadow here or there. The opaque...well I'd wear a red camisole under the lace jacket.

I also have a rigid silver dress collar if you'd like me to wear a collar that night. Or I could wear one of the blue satin ones from my site. I want to dress for you so you are pleased with my appearance. The collar would simply make me feel a little more connected with you that night. I dislike attending lifestyle functions without a Dominant. And it appears as though Mikelos will be there, so I'll be hiding in a corner most of the night anyway... Have I mentioned I'm terribly shy in public venues?

Something I did for my last Dom because he never attended lifestyle events with me, was to have R take a picture of me before we left and email it him. That way he'd see that I was dressed appropriately, etc. If you'd like me to do this for you, please let me know.

I think that was all the stuff running through my head this morning. I'm sure I will sit down and write something else later. My brain never seems to stop thinking. Hope you are doing well.

Thoughts for today

I told Johnathan, the other Dominant I had been talking with, that I was in negotiation with a Dom today. He said he was disappointed and I don't expect to hear much from him again. It's kind of a shame because he and I had a good deal in common. Both college profs, children of the 80s, gamers...but if he cannot be satisfied with friendship, I cannot be responsible for his reactions.

I got a phone call yesterday from another Dom I had briefly spoken with about three weeks ago. I will be sending him an email this evening explaining that I am no longer looking for a dominant.

Please don't think that I've kept in contact with these men because I am waiting to see if one of them would be "better" than you. That is absolutely NOT the case. With Johnathan, I hadn't heard from him since before we talked on Monday and I had forgotten about Ron. The only reason I didn't tell Ron I wasn't available on the phone yesterday was because he caught me on my way to a restroom and I cut him off rather quickly.

Of course I am looking at this situation from the view point that you would prefer our D/s relationship to be "exclusive." In other words, you would rather I served no one other than you. This is what I would prefer for me...two men in my life is more than enough. However, I am placing no such restrictions on you. All I ever ask is that you please let me know if anyone else becomes a part of your life. It's part of "informed consent."

Geez, I don't think I sat down to write such weighty things this evening. I was actually thinking how nice it was to know you had been on your way to see me yesterday. Left me feeling rather nice.

Oh, my cell phone is on whenever I leave the house and get signal. Unfortunately, I lose signal at the edge of I95. You can call it any time and leave a message. I turn the ringer off during class and check for messages during my break (usually right around ten 'til six.)

Speaking of cell phones and calling, I hope you don't mind that I left a message letting you know I was in Fayetteville. If that is somethng you'd rather I didn't do, please just let me know. I remember you saying you wanted to know where I was, but I'm not certain how far that extends.

Oh, one other thing about my phone, I can receive text messages, but can't send them....I don't think. I think I could get the send capability for a relatively cheap monthly fee. I'll send you the email addy for my phone, or you can go to the "Information" link on this page (my journal) and send it from there.

I haven't talked to you today, so I don't really have any focus to my thoughts. I've thought of you. I've smiled about you. Richard teased me about you. You've been on my mind. A little part of me is hoping you might show up at Irwin tonight before I leave to go home.

Hesitation

This is something I was thinking about yesterday. It's flitted in and out of my thoughts a couple of times now, so I figured I had better write it down.

You'll notice at times that I hesitate to perform what you feel are "standing rules" like the kneeling in the slave position at my arrival. This isn't because I'm wanting to disobey you. It is because I do not want to presume that you have asked me to visit you with anything in mind. I don't know how best to explain this...

My last Dom asked that I strip when I arrived at his home. I always waited for confirmation from him that he wanted me to do this because it felt to me like I was being presumptuous if I did it without his express direction. It wasn't disobedience, it was insecurity.

I bet this doesn't make the slightest bit of sense darn it.

Thoughts for today

I've found myself thinking of you throughout the day. As I left the house to run errands and head for Fayetteville I hoped the message I planned to leave on your voice mail would be sufficient to explain why I did not call you back. I am sure I heard you say you'd call me, but of course I could be mistaken. I certainly wasn't deliberately disobeying you.

I've had a few very pleasant flashbacks from yesterday. One of the advantages to having an active imagination is my brain will choose pleasant experiences, especially intense physical experiences, and bring them back to me complete with all the phsyical sensations associated with the original experience. In the past, I've come close to orgasm a few times just from flashbacks.

I thought about what you said regarding the "nickname" and how you thought it was strange that I wouldn't call you Master, but I'd choose the welsh word for it. I'm not sure why I did that. I do know, that truth be told, I'm not all that comfortable with nicknames anyway. I have a tendency to call people by their full names...for example, Richard went by Rich when I met him. Now he use Richard because I call him that. If it wouldn't bother you immensely, I'd call you Terrance rather than Terry. It's just a quirk of being me, I suppose. Maye it comes from having a short name that can't be easily changed to anything else. Nicknames also sometimes strike me as a place for someone to hide the truth of themselves. I know that many people in the BDSM community use a nickname or screen name to protect their privacy, but I'm far more comfortable without them. I'm not saying I won't use a nickname for you (and I will tell you it will certainly be easier for me to write it than say it) but I will be honest and tell you it will take time before I am comfortable with it.

You know I am comfortable with Sir. Know, too, that should I refer to you for some reason in a venue where you are not open (ie. a submissive support group I belong to on Yahoo), I would never use your name. I would simply say, "my Sir."

I told you that I've never been collared. I've also always waited for permission--express permission--to refer to either me or the Dominant I was seeing as "together." I try not to presume.

I wonder what you are thinking as the day progresses. You ask me that same question fairly often and I answer honestly each time. Sometimes I really am thinking nothing. Other times my thoughts are too jumbled to express.

I hope you won't regret asking me to keep this journal. It is extremely helpful for me to be able to write these things down and know that evenutally you will read them and even respond to them.

I know I can be difficult and sometimes I ask a lot of questions. I hope you'll be patient with me as I am finding my place and learning my role and your rules.

Thoughts after waking

It was wonderful to see your responses. The communication is more important to me than I can adequately express.

As for the "moving too fast" fear from yesterday, most of that fear comes from past experience and knowing that when I like someone or like being with them, I hope. Sometimes that hope goes too far. I know that you have chosen me and asked me to be with you. I guess I thought finding someone, especially after that last fool, would take a little longer. I am not unhappy with the speed of things, it just makes my head spin a little bit and it may take some time for me to fully adjust.

As you noticed yesterday, I have trouble articulating verbally. Part of this comes from my recognition that, especially when I am upset, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the last thing I want to actually say. It takes time for me to put the thoughts together. If I hesitate before speaking, please understand that it is because I am thinking. Words are tools and I want to be sure I choose the best tools for the job at hand. Believe it or not, I'm a fairly conservative person who still clings to some of the "good girls don't" mentality left over from thirty years of societal conditionning. I have trouble saying certain words and I'm sure I blush furiously when talking about intimate things. With time will come comfort with you and that will lessen.

As for my nervousness yesterday, that may or may not fade quickly. It isn't you that makes me nervous, it's me. I don't want to disappoint you and so I am conscious of everything I do and say. That leaves me a little twitchy. I have never been with a Dominant who is as stern and strict as you, so I am afraid of misstepping. When I know the rules, I will be more comfortable. Think of it this way...if you took Brandon's cage from him, he would be lost and uncomfortable, right? That cage is his boundary. His space and his understanding of where he is supposed to be. Rules between us will do that for me. Once they are in place, I will calm down.

I'm sure I'll write more later. I'm still processing and thinking.

Questions to ask you

There is so much I don't know about you and I'm curious (okay, nosey). But I also respect your feelings about privacy. Perhaps the way to solve this is to ask that you share with me some of your past, your future plans, what you want from life in general.

I think right now, my brain is too scrambled to really do much more writing. I'll attack it again in the morning. It sometimes takes me days (and even weeks...there's a scene in my brain I still haven't processed) to process feelings, emotions and physcial responses to intense moments like those we shared this afternoon. In the morning, I'll have a clearer head and be better able to articulate my thoughts.
2 commentsLeave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:28 pm (local)

response
I will use your name to respond to these if I respond to them at all. I am very impressed. With the amount of work and thought you have put into all of this. If you want to know about my past and such..ask, if I do not want to share than I will tell you. By the way, who all can read these responses?
Link | Reply | Thread | Edit | Delete | Screen | Freeze | Track This Select:
shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:23 am (local)
Re: response
I'd love to know about your family, your past, your dreams and plans for the future. You mentioned you were married once...that piqued my curiosity. I'm nosey...sorry. I'm curious to know about you, what makes you who you are.
Link | Reply | Parent | Thread | Edit | Delete | Screen | Freeze | Track This Select:

Fantasies

I don't know how many "fantasies" I really have. There are some things I think would be wonderful to try, but is that really a fantasy?

I'd love to part of a sub/slave auction...I think. The reality may be a little too scary.
I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be double penetrated by two men, rather than latex and a man.
I enjoy being an exhibitionist.

I need to think on this one a little more and come back to it.
2 commentsLeave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:33 pm (local)

response
I liked the way you did this one. As far as the fantasies go....
1. Sub/slave auction.....enlighten me...I have heard of them...never been or particapated in one.
2. DP by 2 guys is one we can make happen. But only when I can ensure your safty and your ability to handle the situation.
3. As far as showing yoru body...that will be dictated by me. (ok..my spelling sucks, lol)
Link | Reply | Thread | Edit | Delete | Screen | Freeze | Track This Select:
shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:28 am (local)
Re: response
Sub/slave auctions: I've never participated in one either. I've heard of them and the idea intregues me. The utter abandonment of control, first to my own Sir and next to the one who buys me is what interests me about it.

I think the raciest thing I wear in public is an outfit like the one I wore on Friday BEFORE the pool ;). Generally I'm pretty conservative in my dress, especially for work. Play parties have always been a different thing. The last one I went to, I was with R...my Dom could not come. I dressed conservatively. The one before that, I was with my Dom. I wore my black gown until he decided to scene with me, at which point I wore only a collar and a blindfold. I am perfectly happy with your decisions when it comes to who will see me and how much will be seen.

Fears

The speed with which the relationship is progressing scares me a bit. It isn't that I don't want it to move forward, but I am gunshy and worried that without soe time to know each other we will find ourselves to be incompatible after I've begun to care for you.

I'm afraid to surrender completely because I don't know you yet. A part of me is still waiting for the ugly word or comment designed to strip my self-esteem and leave me vulnerable to manipulation. This isn't a comment on what I believe of you, merely a fear I carry from hard experience.

I'm afraid that my nature, which is to care for and about the people in my life, will scare you away.

I'm afraid that I will disappoint you. Perhaps you have a skewed vision of who I am and the truth will not be to your liking.

I have all of the fears I normally have when it comes to the beginning of a relationship...am I really going to be a part of your life or am I going to be a toy--forgotten when it isn't time to play? Will you find my idiosyncacies too much to deal with and walk away without another word?

I'm insecure because so many times I've trusted someone only to be hurt. The last man with whom I was talking and forming a relationship (I thought) told me he couldn't decide between a relationship with me or getting a used corvette. My last Dom treated me like a Wednesday afternoon fling, a toy to pack into his bag and use when he felt like it.

I may need some reassurances sometimes. Sometimes all I need is to hear the words, "Everything is okay and I'm still happy with you as a part of my life." I'll be sure to let you know when those times come.
2 commentsLeave a commentEdit EntryEdit TagsAdd to MemoriesTrack ThisLink
Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:47 pm (local)

response
Know that I will not be like the rest. I have an understanding of who you are and like I told you...the core of you is good....the rest will be molded to serve me. You will be my sub and I will treat you as we have discussed. There will be no forgetting you exist.........although alone time for me is not abandonment. So far you have impressed me extremely. Your ability and desire to please and serve is very impressive. If you think we are maybe moving to fast then you need to approach me with it. As I have yet to give you a name, I will just call you sub until we decide on one for you. Sub, I am your Master, your Lover, your Friend. Above all else your friend. When you offered yourself as my Sub and I accepted, I agreed to look after you and make sure you were safe. I would put my own life in the way to protect you. As you have seen already in my response to situation you were uncomfortable with that you asked my input on. That being said......KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!! Master
Link | Reply | Thread | Edit | Delete | Screen | Freeze | Track This Select:
shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:33 am (local)
Re: response
Well, I think we've covered most of this one elsewhere.

I absolutely understand the need for time alone. I am the same way. It is the weeks of no contact that I cannot handle. Again, these fears are MINE, not necessarily anything I think you would do.

Rant

Okay, if you're not in the mood for a whiny rant, don't click the link :).

So why is it that just driving into the city where the shithead lives leaves me thinking about him and brings the pain back? It's been a month since he decided that his "need to know" policy was a good enough reason to finally dump me and yet I am still angry and still very hurt. It isn't helping that I seem to be seeing more and more of his lies as I review the six months we were together. There's this little part of me that still feels something kind and good toward him but that part is quickly squashed by the battle bitch who protects me when others decide to take advantage of my giving nature. I want to just forget him and move forward, but I don't know how at this point.

Then there's T...have you ever been so completely wrong about someone that you don't even know where to begin? Every reference I checked said T was a nice man...he was quiet, reserved, but nice. BULLSHIT!!!!

Picture this...He comes to our home, has a wonderful time with me serving him for the afternoon in any way he asked. Then disappears for a week online. He's in a funk he says. He's not fit company he says. I believe him and tell him to get back to me when he's done with his funk. At the end of a week of silence, I am about to write him an email when he finally contacts me again. His wife found a wedding invitation. She knows about me now. I'm expecting that she's going to say, "No more D/s relationships."

Well, that's kind of what she said...According to T, she gave him a choice. He could have his D/s relationships or he could have another vintage Corvette. That's all well and good. I'm certainly not going to interfere with someone's marriage. What I didn't need to hear from T was that he was having trouble deciding.

He put me up against an inanimate object...a fucking car...and found me lacking and thought it would be a nice and honest thing to do to tell me so. Fucking Lie To Me, Asshole! I'd rather he lied than tell me I was losing to a piece of metal.

I told him that it was a horrifically hurtful thing to tell me and told him to enjoy his fucking car.

What the hell is it with people? Is it that I'm married and they assume that because I am I cannot be serious about a real relationship with a Dominant? And because they make this assumption they feel justified in taking what I give freely and stomping on me when they find something better?

Then this morning, after I drag myself out of bed at 7 so that my husband's submissive wouldn't have to sit in the driveway if she was early, we get a phone call. It's the submissive, at 10 after 8, calling to say she isn't coming.

I think I am going to sit in a corner today and slam my head against the wall for a while. It will likely do just as much good as anything else I've tried lately.

Feeling pretty good

things with J.D. have been getting much better today's e-mail may me smile.

we are going to the MDBDSM munch tomorrow. I'm going to be doing a demonstration on DIY Kink. When I asked JD what I should wear for this event, he only specified one thing...a braided leather collar I had asked to be permitted to wear to our munch in June, but received permission too late to do so. Then today, I got this:
*************
"just remember what I wanted you to wear around your neck"
**********
It makes me smile sooooooo wide when he does these things. I don't know if he realizes how much it means to me when he says things like this.

I got some other really good news. My best friend, S, is going to be attending the munch with us tomorrow. I gotta corner him and ask him how he got away from his wife for the evening :).

Phone Call

I talked with John on the phone last night for over an hour (on and off because he was "wearing out" calling cards lol).

It was nice just to chat. I would have loved to have gotten in the car and driven up to spend the evening with him, but he wanted some time for himself before spending today and most of next week with his kids. I was a little disappointed, but not much. Talking to him, knowing he'd called me and kept calling back even after the cards ran out meant an awful lot.

He called me sweetheart before he hung up last night. My oh my, did that make my heart swell :). He says he's done it before, but if he did, I don't remember it. I told him it didn't matter if he'd done it before or not, it still sounded really nice to me. He's been doing little things like that a lot since the "Big Talk." Using my first name instead of Share when we speak, calling me honey or now sweetheart, asking me to wear the braided leather collar for him when I go to MB and give my DIY Kink demo on saturday. Things that make me feel special and very cared for.

Decision to make

The second week of July will mark six months since Sir wandered into my life.

It all started with a post to CarolinaBDSM that I was thinking of looking for a Dom again after 6 mos out of the community all together. Then a denied "add" on my yahoo messenger. I usually deny adds to my messenger list if I don't recognize the screen name and his is so terribly tacky that I denied it immediately. Thankfully, he sent an email directly to me and we started talking. It's a little disconcerting that I nearly missed him because of that ridiculous screen name.

It has been a somewhat contentious six months. We've had our ups and downs as we got used to being in each other's lives. The worst was learning how to communicate with each other in a way that the other understood. We're both emotional beings and we clash often because of it. Since the "Big Talk" however, I have noticed him making a concerted effort to include me in his thoughts and make sure I understand rather than using his "need to know" policy and assuming I'm okay. I know that I have been trying very hard to hope instead of expect and to accept what I receive from him as enough without second guessing any of it. I've been happier and much more content since that shift.

Now I need to decide if I want to do something that he's requested twice. I do not address Sir as Master. Master is a word that, to me, entails so much more than Sir. It implies ownership. Without a collar of any kind from Sir, I don't know that I feel comfortable calling him Master. I do know that I am uncomfortable in public lifestyle events without him because I do not have a collar...I feel untethered, lost. I've told him this, but I know his feelings on collars and I don't see them changing. He did give me permission to wear a choker to our last meet and greet, even if that permission came too late.

So I will be thinking about this for the next week to decide if I will change how I address him and what that will mean.

Communication

As someone who checks her email several times a day, it is hard for me to understand letting it go for whole days at a time.

And that is exactly what he does sometimes. There have been weeks when he only glances at his mail to see if there is anything pressing and he only does that once or twice. That would drive me nuts and with the lists I'm on, it would fill up even the 10mg my ISP gives me.

The problem is that I often send an email because I still feel funny about calling his house too often. I usually call him as I am arriving in town and leave a message on his voice mail. He is then free to call me back when he gets home and has time. I rarely call his cell phone because I know it is expensive for him and I don't want to disturb him at work. Even when he tells me to call him at work, I feel funny doing it...I get that sinking, spinning feeling in my stomach like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

I miss being able to write him letters. But after the "Big Talk" we determined that I was using the letters as an excuse not to talk to him in person and he said no more. Immediately prior to the "Big Talk" someone had stolen one of my letters from his mailbox...probably his psycho hose beast ex-mother in law. So that meant I could no longer mail them and had to be careful about leaving them for him at his house. The last thing I want is to be the reason social services makes a play to take his children from him. Yes, he's divorced. Yes, he's a fabulous father. But we all know how the "state" feels about WIITWD. And in his case, the psycho hose beast ex-mother in law doesn't even want Sir to have a girlfriend. Imagine what she would do with the information that this "girlfriend" was married and let him flog her.

I miss him. That's what this whole thought process is about. Since the "Big Talk" we've spent some really nice time together, talking and learning more and more about each other. I have discovered that I really like that time.

I can still feel my collar on my neck, his skin under my hands as I sat on the floor beside his couch touching him while we talked of music and memories and mundane things. Those are moments I like to savor. Not that standing before him as he plunged two fingers into me and pulled my nipples until my back arched and my knees almost gave way is a bad memory *weg*. But the quiet times when there is no pressure are so rare that I treasure each moment.

I had a scary thought that day, though. As I lay my head on his knee, soothing him after a minor upset disrupted part of the afternoon, I remember thinking, "I could love him if he'd let me." That is not a good thought and I don't know what to do with it. I know he cares for me, but I also know that he is afraid to love me because I'm married. He's told me that he's not sure how to handle what I feel for him because he's afraid of getting in too deep. That day was one of the ones where I could feel his emotions clearly. When he takes my face and turns it to him to kiss, when he doesn't even flinch as my nails bite into his shoulder as he removes the clamps, when his eyes tell me he cares for me...those are the things I know in my heart and soul. Those are the things he does without thinking or calculating. It is the things he does to distance me...kissing my forehead and stepping back before I leave...that feel calculated.

This has gotten long and rambly and doesn't even match the subject line anymore :).

Just thinking

Sir asked me to arrange a threesome for his birthday.

I know of only one person who I could arrange this with on such short notice...AD. She's a nice woman and all, but somewhere deep inside I have some small alarm bells going off as I plan this thing. She's very clingy, very needy and extremely consuming when she's in the room.

My question to myself is...am I hesitant to include her in the birthday celebration for selfish reasons or because the last thing Sir needs is someone who might make a nuisance of herself later? If I'm honest, it's selfish reasons. I would love nothing more than a quiet (or not so quiet) day with him. It isn't that I'm afraid he'll decide he likes her better...I am not. I want his birthday to be fun and what he's hoping for. He told me he's asked for a threesome for years for his birthday and no one has ever given him one. I'd like to do that for him.

I asked if the obvious choice...S (Sir's girlfriend) would be interested. Apparently she prefers that I just stay in the shadows of his life and not meet her in the light. She knows I'm there, but wants nothing to do with me. If I'm honest with myself, that really hurts. I can think of many ways the two of us might work together to make Sir's life happy and healthy rather than segregating it into her time, my time and family time. Again...honestly....since my time always comes last maybe if she and I were friends that wouldn't happen so often.

I have been working very hard at being more laid back, at hoping rather than expecting. I think I'm doing well, but sometimes little things strike my heart...