I found this in my office, hand written on a piece of notebook paper.

This afternoon saw my second "official" scene with JD. It was our first entirely private scene as well. JD had mentioned over the weekend that he expected me to "strip and be on my best subbie behavior" from now on when I visited for more than a few minutes. This admonition did not keep me from hesitating at his couch b3efore a stern look prompted me to comply.

I find it amazing how JD embodies so many contradictions. He can be both infinitely gentle and visciously brutal in the same gesture. This dichotomy was extensively demonstrated today. With one hand he gently held my back while the bite of the whip in his other hand took my breath away. His hands caressed and stung with barely a breath between. His voice in my eart telling me of his pleasure at my submission while the heat built in my body from his blows... I cannot use the trite comparisson of fire and ice bcause not a moment of his presence was cold, yet there was both softness and strength in his every move.

He tells me that I am unlike any other submissives he has ever had. He makes allowences for me that he has not done for others. Apparently he has never before allowed a submissive to look him in the eyse during a scene yet he did not reprimand me for doing so. He commented on it, forcing me to admit it had not occurred to me that I should not look at him. I love the look of pleasure on someone's face. Seeing him enjoy my touch is something I treasure. He did not tell me I couldn't look at him so I continued to do so.

He told me I'd made him happy today and asked me what he could do in return. I admitted to him that I craved his touch and loved the feel of being pressed against him.

The feel of his body behind me as he pulled me against him is heavenly. He makes me feel safe and charished in that embrace. Even when that embrace is used as a part of his dichotomy, it is pleasurable and safe.

I will admit to prefering JD's gentle touches to the harsher handling, but at the same time there are things he does that just send me flying. His hand on my hair, caressing softly and then grasping firmly to pull my head back...His teeth grazing and nipping my skin...His grip on my flesh, holding me for his pleasure. All of these things send shivers down my spine.

Feb. 2nd, 2002 at 7:28 PM

JD and I finally had a chance to talk yesterday. The basic outcome of the conversation was that he was not going anywhere and my jealousy was hypocritical at best.

After his assurances that he wasn't going to pass me over for a new sub, I have to admit that I felt a lot better. In all, i think that had he talked to me like he did yesterday when I originally asked him about gloria, I would have been okay from the start.

I'm terribly insecure and I was afraid that this new friend would disappear from my life if anyone else came in right now.

We also talked about expectations and boundaries. He now knows he can actually call me and say he wants to see me and I can do the same.

We spent this morning/afternoon together. Mostly we talked and got to know each other even better. We did a lot of touching and some mid-level play. It was definitely enjoyable :). Then we went shopping together at Sams. It was nice to spend some "normal" time with him in public. He really is a very nice man with a twisted sense of humor.

Things are going better and i feel more secure. R is trusting us both and is okay with what happened today. We're all making progress.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.