I want the unicorn

How many times has a man with whom I have a relationship said one of the following things to me:

1. You're a keeper.
2. You take such good care of me.
3. I can't be the man (owner) you deserve.
4. You intimidate me with your attention to the details of me and my life.
5. I'd love to own you, but I can't give you what you need.

If I think about it too much, I'll lose my mind, but so often I've looked back on relationships and seen this gap between who and what I am and who and what the other person wanted me to be.

Dominants often say they want the perfect slave. One who will do what they're told, take the initiative to do what needs to be done, and make all their friends jealous. But what happens when they get a servant who is as close to their ideal as they've ever come? From my experience, they get scared and turn tail. Or they seek out ways to make the service offered to them less than what they want. Or they simply stop caring.

I'm not perfect. I'm anything but. What I am is observant and dedicated to making an owner's life better and easier. I know I have some pretty deep, sometimes damn near fatal flaws, but what I offer outweighs most of them. Ruthless obedience isn't just a phrase, it's a way of life that has nearly cost me my life a few times. It's what owners and dominants claim to want but when they are presented with it, they shy away from it because it means THEY have to behave more responsibly. If you know that the one who serves you will do as you ask, without hesitation or question, you have a responsibility to ask only what is healthy for both of you.

And that is the heart of the problem I have with finding a power exchange relationship in the community. So many dominants feel as though they should not have to invest as much work in the relationship as their servant does. There is that air of "I'm the dominant. You do what I say," without any thought of the weight of responsibility to the dominant inherent in that statement.

I am not looking for a dominant to take over my life and take care care of me. I'm seeking a power exchange relationship in which the dominant sees value in my strength and skills and is willing to be present in the relationship beyond the slap and tickle crap that goes on in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I love the sexual aspect of what we do (if I am actually remembering it accurately...it's been a VERY long time), however, what gets me off is not at the core of what I desire to find in a relationship.

My other big issue with finding someone in the community seems to revolve around the fragility of the male ego (as a whole, not specifically). I'm a sadist and a talented top. I learned how to be both at the elbow of some excellent tops and mean-ass sadists. I learned because I saw something that excited me or that I wanted to learn and so I asked them to teach me. I sometimes wonder if seeing me top someone at a party makes any dominant who might be interested in me run screaming. Not just because I'm a sadist and a top and so many of them cannot separate play and relationships (and fear that I might try to top them), but because maybe I'm good at something they want to be good at—or, heaven forbid, I'm BETTER at something than they are. Does that fragile male ego keep them from approaching me because of what I am and what I'm good at? And if it does, I'm just screwed. I will not be less than what I am for anyone's comfort.

Isn't there value in owning strength? Isn't there value in being able to watch your servant excel and know that with one gesture or glance from you, that successful, powerful servant would happily be at your feet? Or is it simply too much work for a dominant to have to consider orders carefully because they know the order will be carried out? Is it too much work to have to consider the value of a service against the value of the well-being of the servant who, with ruthless obedience, will comply? Or maybe it's just me.

Perhaps at the root of this entire discussion is an unmanageable servant. One with an inflated view of her worth. One who simply cannot be useful to anyone else. But if I'm honest with myself, I know that is not true. Had I never served, I might believe that. But I have served and as far as the owners were concerned, my service was more than adequate. It was my needs which were not met and my decision that my heart and soul deserved better which ended the relationships, not a desire on the part of the owners to walk away.

So what do I really want? An owner willing and able to make me a part of his life. One willing to love and be loved in a power exchange relationship. One willing to be an active participant in the power exchange. In short, I want the unicorn.