Dec. 10th, 2002

• 9:00 AM

The little voice is screaming at me again...it's telling me that the "news" you want to share with me from the other day isn't good news...at least not for me. I am beginning to wonder what her name is and how serious it will become.

When I got that message, that you needed to tell me about your night, I was so excited. I really wanted to know what you had done and I was so happy that you wanted to share it with me. It's four days later and i'm wondering if you are stalling...not wanting to tell me something because you know I won't like it.

I've sent you three e-cards, you haven't looked at any of them. I've sent you emails and you never responded...not even to the story I wrote, depsite my asking you to please let me know if I should bother to do things like that.

I know you are busy. I certainly understand that. I know you have far more important things on your mind than me. Distance makes me nervous...total lack of feedback leaves me with nothing but the ugly voices to listen to.

I'll be brutally honest here, i'm afraid I'm being used. I don't want you to come home and find that you don't need me anymore...I don't want you walking out of my life because i've served my purpose and you can find someone else to do it next time.

Please understand that my fears are not a reflection of what I believe of you...rather they are the irrational fears of a woman who doesn't feel very worthy right now.

I miss you. I'm terribly lonely. The only people i have seen since you left are Sunny, Paula, abby, Theresa and Keith... I get the feeling that people who see me out with abby assume i'm a lesbian, hence the utter lack of interest in me when I went dancing...but I can't go alone and no one else will go with me.

I get ims all the time from guys...most of them married and cheating on their wives. People find me attractive but i don't really want to be with anyone else...though a date would be nice...and a great ego boost.

I suppose all this boils down to me feeling sorry for myself again. I feel like I've spent a month waiting for you and I'll spend nearly another one doing the same thing. Just talk to me...tell me everything is okay and i'll be flying high for the last week and a half before I get to see you again.

Dec. 2nd, 2002

• 10:16 PM

I wondered today what you really thought about the possibility of me going for coffee with Bob. I have no interest in him other than coffee. I often wonder what you think about me dating other people.

Sometimes you seem pretty gungho about the idea...perhaps because it would take the pressure off of you. Other times you seem reluctant about it...the "MINE" attitude.

I'll be honest...I'm lonely. I miss you so much and I hate feeling like this...like an afterthought...a secret....

I look toward the future and the thought of spending holidays alone because i'm not a traditional part of your life depresses the hell out of me.

I don't take our relationship lightly. There are so many facets to it...so many parts that usually mesh so well together but sometimes butt heads like raging bulls. How do I date? How do I explain to someone else that I need your permission to do things? And how do I explain to you that dating isn't really what I want...it's just an effort to stave off the loneliness.

I've been crying a lot lately...not your fault. I've been extremely emotional for many reasons. I generally feel wretched. Mostly, though, I miss you and what what you will be like when you come home again. The evil little voice in the back of my mind says that once you come home, I'll have served my purpose...you won't need a babysitter for Brandon for several months...you'll be able to take care of your own errands...you won't need me anymore so you won't want me anymore. Deep down, I think if I really believed that I'd leave the relationship before it came to that. But that voice is strong and ugly when i'm lonely and hurting and it's been screaming at the top of its lungs lately...not only because I miss you...

When I found out R was already planning to marry Angel it made me have to look back and wonder if I ever mattered...if I was ever worthy of anything...for heaven's sake...the most horrible man I know didn't think I was worth enough to have the common decency to wait until we were divorced before talking about marrying someone else...

To be brutal here...i'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I'm about to spend the holidays alone. My not even ex yet is planning his next wedding. My friends are avoiding me because they don't want to choose sides in a battle. I'm falling for someone who doesn't want that kind of relationship with me.

I don't do things by halves and I don't enter into things, especially relationships, lightly. When you asked me if I wanted to be your submissive, I gave you every part of me. I opened doors to you that I'd locked years ago to everyone else. I don't hide things from you, no matter how frightening I find them. I just don't want to become an afterthought...a dirty secret you hide in a closet because I'm not presentable for one reason or another.

I'm tired and hurting. I know you don't even read this anymore. I don't know why i'm bothering.

Nov. 25th, 2002

• 5:17 PM

You know, I really was doing okay...

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I miss you and I don't have enough to do to keep my brain occupied enough to forget that.

You know, I didn't believe you when you said you'd call every day...but I sure did hope. I've been doing everything I can to make sure things are taken care of here...did laundry for you today, changed the cover on your futon and washed the other one...I check the house...take care of Brandon...I'm trying really hard.

 Nov. 21st, 2002

• 12:37 AM

I haven't been writing. I don't have an excuse. It isn't that I conciously thought, "I'm not going to write." It's more that I see you nearly every day and talk to you. I do actually think "What damn difference does it make, he isn't reading it anyway." Not a very submissive thought, but the truth.

I'm scaring you off. I can see it in your eyes...the way you looked at me today. I can feel it in the distance you've been putting between us lately. I can be all-encompassing. It isn't something I do to make people crazy, it is just how I am. If I care about someone, I want to take care of them...make their life easier any way I can. And when I care for someone, the thought of them leaving for an extended period of time leaves me weepy.

You said something to me once that has repeated in my head since...left me wondering what you meant by it. You told me that even when you are with others, you still think of me and want to be with me. You said that it bothered you. I wanted to know why it bothered you and you changed the subject. I still want to know why it bothered you.

I know when you entered this relationship you considered me "safe." I was married, therefore there would be no messy emotional entanglements. That safety net is gone for you and though you try to pretend it doesn't bother you, it does. You are nearly as bad a liar as I am.

I don't know what I am trying to say here...Perhaps I am telling you that you have "permission" to care if you want to. Maybe I'm asking for permission from you to take the chains off of my emotions and let them go where they will without fetters. Maybe I'm just setting myself up to get dumped because you don't want more than someone to cater to you when you find it convenient (that is not an accusation...I don't really believe that of you but the doubts ringing in my head and yes, my heart, sometimes scream that at me).

You will be gone for nearly two months. Maybe this is a really good time for both of us to look at our relationship and decide if it is what we want or if there are changes we would want in order to be happy.

I am proud and happy as your submissive but there are times when that role hurts, when it feels like I've wandered into another role only to be pushed back into the box.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little untethered as our relationship takes a rather large turn toward change. I don't expect that you'll be celibate while you're gone. I also don't even know how you might feel about me going out and maybe dating. You seemed a little annoyed when I made that date to play Backgammon (which I got stood up for, btw). I guess I'm asking for a definition of boundaries.

Nov. 16th, 2002

• 5:24 PM

you know, if you don't want to see me, just say so. Don't tell me you're going to call me when you have no intention of doing so. don't leave me waiting for you when you don't intend to bother with me.

Nov. 15th, 2002

• 9:58 PM

I realized something tonight that I'm not sure I'm happy knowing. It really makes no difference one way or the other if I am comfortable with what you do when I'm not with you. My choice is to accept it or not see you. Since I choose to spend time with you, I must accept it.

That doesn't mean I necessarily want to hear about each conquest. I don't mind you talking to me about other women. I don't mind you seeing other women. What I don't like is feeling second best...the booby prize held in reserve in case nothing better comes along. Please know that these are my feelings, not something you make me feel.

I've been home an hour and a half and I am expecting a phone call saying you have other plans and won't be coming or I'll fall asleep and hear from you next week.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like a lap dog just begging for a little attention. I love spending time with you. I love talking to you, listening to music with you, even watching tv while you play your game. I dislike feeling out of place and out of sorts.

I guess I just need to start dating and stop reading into things you say and do. I need to simply accept the time I have with you as the gift it is and leave it at that.

Nov. 11th, 2002

• 6:21 PM

While I have put a couple of entries in the leather journal, I must admit I haven't been writing for at least a week. I just haven't even thought of it as I've been moving and all.

I miss you. I'll be picking you up tonight and can't wait to see you. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when you are gone for a month. *sigh*

I chatted a lot this weekend. Mostly idiots but did "meet" a nice sounding guy from Ft. Bragg. We might get together to play backgammon some time. Curious how you feel about that...

Nov. 1st, 2002

• 3:11 PM

It was a little strange to wake up from dreaming of you to find you sleeping beside me. Not bad, just odd. I'd gotten used to dreaming of you when I couldn't see you.

I'm a little lonely today. No one but me and Brandon and the cats at home. I watched two movies already and want to save the other two for later in case you can watch them with me. I got 8-legged Freaks and Spiderman...unintentional theme there lol.

I know there was something more important I wanted to write, but I'm not remembering it now. I think I need a nap.

Oct. 31st, 2002

• 3:08 PM

I want you to know that I've enjoyed spending the past week with you. I don't want to wear out my welcome, but it's been wonderful spending quiet time with you.

You said something last night that made me wonder. Something about wanting to be with me being against your nature. I asked you why it was against your nature, but you didn't answer.

I care about you. I enjoy being with you. I'm comfortable with you. None of these are bad things. I hope (and guess) you feel the same way :).

Oct. 30th, 2002

• 9:51 AM

I wanted you to know that I really enjoyed spending time with you yesterday. I like talking with you, listening to you and learning more about the inner you that you do hide from others.

Thank you for being there for me last night. I appreciate it more than you could know.

 Oct. 29th, 2002

• 9:46 AM

some days i wonder if it wouldn't be more productive to simply bang my head against the wall.

Oct. 28th, 2002

• 8:11 PM

It was a little frightening to be with you early today. I was feeling insecure after not seeing you for some time and your objectification left me weepy. But later, the normalcy of going with you to get your hair cut and shopping and whatnot really helped me feel better. Thank you.

 Oct. 27th, 2002

• 7:55 AM

Last night, R and I fought again. I caught a snippet of conversation he was having online with Abby, the new woman, and noticed he was sharing what I considered to be rather personal and private information with her. I asked him to please respect my privacy and not spread around the details of my sexual preferences and problems. He starts telling me it's basically my fault he is doing this because he can't talk to me about why I'm disgusted by and threatened by his touch, so he has to talk to someone.

I ended up going for a drive. When I came back, he continued the discussion, demanding a clear-cut answer to why I can't stand it when he touches me. I told him I couldn't give him that answer because it isn't clear cut and sometimes I just don't know what it is that makes my skin crawl. I also told him I wasn't going to fight with him and went to bed.

I woke up around 3 am and he was crouched in my doorway, caressing my face and hair. He got upset when I told him it made me uncomfortable. I haven't seen him yet this morning.

*sigh* He says he isn't going to fight, isn't trying to hurt me, yet every time we talk to each other he throws something at me. Last night he finally admitted that he'd done more than give Autumn (the woman who lived with us) a backrub when I caught them on the deck at James and Melodie's house. Said he didn't want to have a fight about it then so he lied. Then he waited four years to tell me the truth, despite several times I asked him about it. How many other times was I sure he'd behaved inappropriately and allowed him to convince me? How many of those were lies too?

You don't want to hear this stuff. I don't think you're even reading this journal anymore. I'm sorry.

Oct. 26th, 2002

• 10:10 AM

You don't know how much it brightened my morning to hear from you. I hope you are driving safely and at the speed limit :-P

I guess we'll need to talk about what will happen when you leave for Tampa...Brandon, us, etc.

I'm certainly not going to tell you that you "can't" do anything. That's not my place, nor is it my style. I would prefer knowing about anything that happens as far as play partners. Just let me know, reassure me that I'm not getting "dumped" that kind of thing. Basically, I guess I'm asking that the same rules and boundaries we've had here still apply.

I don't expect to be looking for anyone to "play" with or whatnot. You know that isn't my style and being alone for a while is probably a good thing. If something would come up, I would talk to you about it.

You'll be deployed after you get back from Tampa, won't you. You know that scares the hell out of me, but I understand and will, of course, support you no matter what and no matter where.

Oct. 25th, 2002

• 9:35 PM

It's been a roller coaster day. I was incredibly uncomfortable "hanging out" with R and this new friend...even though I liked her. It was hard to shop for the foam chair and sheets so I could sleep in the office. That's what I was doing when I called you the second time.

I put a portable dvd player on layaway at walmart. It'll hook up to a tv also so it'll be nice. I share when asked nicely :)

I'll find out from suncom what I need to do to add a phone to my service and let you know. Did you want the 1500 minute plan or the unlimited (in case they ask).

I miss you already, though hanging out with Brandon seems to help.

Oct. 24th, 2002

• 10:19 AM

The past several days have been so hectic and stressful. I won't make excuses. I simply haven't done my journal. I've had no privacy and R has demanded my attention for every moment I've been home.

It helps me a lot to talk to you about what I'm thinking and feeling at this point. He keeps trying to tell me things like, "Don't compare me to him," or, "You aren't really a submissive, you wouldn't be happy living that way all the time." He says these things like I'm going to immediately run to you and marry you.

I don't know if putting our marriage back together is a good idea or not. How long will it be before he resents the effort he thinks he's making? How long will it be before he breaks the promises he's making? Already the fact that I passed out last night was brought up. He wants to help me work out the fear of him that I have and immediately jumps on me for falling asleep while we were "working on it."

I'm exhausted and each moment that passes steels my heart that much more for finally walking away for good.

And I meant what I told you yesterday...If you leave, I'm still going through with this. I didn't leave him "for" you. I left him for me.

Oct. 21st, 2002

• 8:01 AM

I told you yesterday that it was getting increasingly hard to leave you. I wanted you to understand that it wasn't because I didn't want to come home to R, it's because I'm getting to a place where I'd prefer home to be someplace you are too.

Oct. 20th, 2002

• 12:19 PM

I had another disconcerting talk with R in the car last night. I don't even know if I want to tell you about it because it brings up things that I'm somewhat afraid to broach with you.

Basically it boils down to him "accusing" me of being "totally in love" with you. I told him I wasn't, but I don't think he believes me.

As for whether or not it is the truth (his view or mine), I honestly can't say. It's something I try very hard not to think about. You are very important to me. I care about and for you. I don't think I have the "right" to fall in love with you for both our sakes. Please tell me if I'm mistaken in this thinking. I feel so odd writing this...I try not to think about this at all and yet R keeps bringing things like this up.

Strange Dream

• Oct. 19th, 2002 at 9:01 AM

It was frightening and comforting at the same time. The military men and women and all of their gear amassing in every open space in a small southern town while the local residents went about their business reminded me of the titanic. All around them the world was collapsing and they were having parties and going to the local fair.

You were there with me...taking me to and from the townspeoples homes and the military encampment. You were keeping me safe, watching over me. There were wolves all through this dream and now that I'm thinking about it, they were with me when you weren't.

The idea of YOU piercing me, though. That scared the bejeezus out of me. I think part of it might be that I am going to desperately need you there with me to hang on to. I'm petrified of needles and it has been 20 years since I last had anything pierced. And the most daring piercing I've ever had was adding a second hole to my ears.

Oct. 17th, 2002

• 2:07 PM

I hate trying to write my journal with R standing behind me. That would be the reason for the stilted entry last night. He sees me writing in my journal and just sits there reading what I type. Of course, I didn't say anything...this time. He knows I hate it but he's so worried that he's missing something he stays and reads anyway.

I'm looking forward to the party on Saturday. I really hope you don't have to work. I'd love to go with you :). We're probably going to want to take two cars since you'll have to be at work early on Sunday...that way if R isn't ready to leave, he doesn't have to. If Angel goes, I'd like to ride with you, if you don't mind.

R told me he talked to Colleen about this weekend and she said she wanted to go to a party in the afternoon and didn't want to go to the evening one because of Ruthy. Did she change her mind?

You know I miss you *sigh*. I'll see you in the morning :)

Oct. 16th, 2002

• 11:41 PM

Just sneaking this one in before midnight...I knew when I left this afternoon that I shouldn't have put it off.

It was good to see you this afternoon. I'm sorry you got upset about your father. I can absolutely relate.

I'm looking forward to spending time with you on Friday. I'll take care of Brandon until then.

 Oct. 15th, 2002

• 9:30 AM

The phone still isn't quite fixed. It's only giving this little strangled half ring and sometimes you can pick it up and catch whoever is on the line. I called Bell South this morning, they're supposed to be fixing it.

I meant what I said yesterday, both about you not needing to entertain me and about me being glad you've chosen to spend time with me. I'm pretty laid back, I just enjoy being with you, no matter what it is that you are doing.

Of course, if I'm annoying you, I do expect you to tell me to go home :).

Oct. 14th, 2002

• 1:20 PM

Thank you for talking with me last night. I felt better and I'm sorry for crying on you like that.

I'm an emotional woman...and a contradiction. I tend to feel things very deeply and yet most find me to be emotionally distant. Just as you told me there are very few people who know you, there are very few people I let past the "frigid bitch" exterior. Unfortunately, those I let in are subject to seeing the highly emotional woman who lives inside. You've seen it before and got another taste of it last night.

The question of why you spend time with me has weighed heavily on me for a few weeks now. Part of my caring for you is knowing, realistically, that you want things I can't give you (at least not now) and wanting them for you so that you are happy. But you're right and I've even said it...you're a grown man and able to make your own decisions. I'm just happy you've chosen to be with me.

Oct. 13th, 2002

• 5:51 PM

I'm waiting to hear from you so that I can go over to see you :).

We had a nice time with the grandmothers and R's mom. It wasn't as bad as it might have been. :D

I have a couple of surprises for you when I see you tonight. I hope you'll like all of them.

Oct. 12th, 2002

• 8:36 AM

I don't have much to say today. I'm working on filling out my profile for University of Phoenix. I found out yesterday that the full time position with FTCC has been listed, so on Monday I'll go in and fill out yet another application. I think I'll probably give up if I don't get this one.

Hope you are doing well. If you had the weekend off, I'm sure you've gone to visit family. Hug Brandon for me and tell him I'll bring his bowls and ball over on Monday.

I may be able to get into a Spanish class and audit it. There's one that runs 5-7:30 on TR and I'm going to see if I can take it without credit (and hopefully without having to pay for it).

Take care of yourself. You know I miss you already.

Oct. 11th, 2002

• 4:54 PM

I had a wonderful time with you last night. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope you are able to get some sleep. I napped a bit after I showered but I'm still tired.

My schedule for the rest of the year is now 7:30-10 M-R so I'm currently looking for something to do during the days...checking out freelance writing gigs.

I called Harlequin and left a message with the editor who requested my manuscript. Keep your finger's crossed. If they like the book, or at least like me, I know what I'll be doing with my days :D.

Thank you for putting up with me last night. I probably should have offered to go home but just spending time with you meant a lot to me and I wanted you to know that.

 Oct. 10th, 2002

• 7:28 AM

Something I didn't mention in the entry from yesterday...

If you want or need to talk to me, please call...no matter what time it is. It may take me a moment to wake up and catch the phone (or to have R wake me up like last night) but I'd rather do that than have you feel like you have to turn to someone else.

R is the one who said call no matter the time...so it's okay. He also told me that if you need me, I should go unless I start to feel like a beck and call girl, which I don't.

 Oct. 9th, 2002

• 9:32 PM

Well, the crying jag I thought I'd avoided yesterday hit this morning after I talked to you. I realized that what happened hurt more than I was originally willing to admit.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it.

Up front, I want you to know that I'm not angry. I'm hurt and a little scared, but not angry.

I won't be playing with anyone but you and R. I'm just not set up that way. I need some sort of emotional bond or tie with someone in order to be comfortable being intimate with them. That doesn't mean I will gainsay you if you want to play with others. I only ask that you talk to me about it before hand. In fact, I thought we had discussed this before and that was what we had decided on. If that isn't the case, then I apologize for my assumption.

As for Theresa, I know we had talked about her before...about the three of us playing...or at least the three of us playing together the first time it happened. I think that is what hurt the most. Not only had you and I discussed just that...she and I had talked about it that morning. She knew how I felt about it, knew I wanted to be there. We talked about the scheduling difficulties.

To know it had been done hurt more than I had expected it to. And because of the discussions I'd had with Theresa that morning, I felt betrayed.

I got the feeling yesterday that you might have been feeling a little guilty and it helped that you told me you still wished it had been me with you.

I don't even know for sure why this hurt so much. I just know I hate feeling this way.

There are other things I want to talk to you about...my collar for one. I feel like I pressured you into it...for crying out loud, I bought it myself. I need to know if you really want me to wear it or if you put it on me to make me feel better.

I'm hoping we'll have time to talk tomorrow. I really need it. I don't often ask for anything from either you or R...today I've asked for two specific things...actually the same thing...Time with you. It took me days to work up the nerve to ask R about an overnight with you and when he said yes I was so excited. I have to admit I was disappointed that it fell through.

I feel like a selfish bitch complainer right now and I don't like that feeling. Really and truly all i want or need is some time with you...a chance to talk about some things that are on my mind.

I think I'm going to go offline now. I need to get my materials together for next session. I miss you.

 Oct. 8th, 2002

• 9:00 PM

Jealousy is a strange thing. If you had asked me before this morning if I would have been hurt by what happened last night I think my answer would have been yes, but not to the degree I was hurting this morning.

I don't know if it was the surprise factor or what but I was initially devastated. It took me 30 or 45 minutes to think it through and decide that I was actually okay. No major crying jag, though a couple of tears did manage to escape. Just a little hollow feeling until my heart caught up with my mind and realized I was on my way to see you...that you had called and asked me to come to you because you needed me. That was enough.

Your slathered on schmooz later didn't hurt either.

You wanted honesty, you got it. I never claimed I didn't get jealous. I do claim to be able to deal with it when given the chance to think it through.

Oct. 7th, 2002

• 8:16 AM

I hope you are doing better this morning. I'm going to call you in about half an hour. I hate to hear the kind of frustration I heard in your voice last night. I wanted to much to be able to do something to help and knew I couldn't be there fast enough.

Please know that R offered our home to you without any prompting on my part. We'd love to have you stay with us if you just need a place to go to get away for a while. Just think of all the fringe benefits :).

I'd love to plan a relaxation session for you for tonight...I know how busy you are...I could show up with all my "massage" stuff :D.

I'll talk to you soon. I hope the story I sent to you yesterday was at least a little helpful :D

 Oct. 6th, 2002

• 5:59 PM

I'm working on the story for you and just sent you an email.

It was good to see you this morning. You do realize I like the quiet times like today, right? I didn't know whether or not to wake you...you looked so sweet and relaxed...

I hope Brandon is doing well and passes his physical with flying colors tomorrow. Give me a call at some point on the cell to let me know if I'm picking him up tomorrow night. If not, I can always hook up with Casey on Tuesday evening and get him then.

Miss you already :) (I'm such a glutton)

Oct. 5th, 2002

• 8:54 AM

I wanted you to know, again, how much I truly enjoy spending time with you like we did last night.

Your energy, your obvious love of music, your "presence" are all wonderful and I really love to spend that kind of time with you :D. I wasn't bored. You didn't make me nuts with changing cds. Besides I just like being with you :). There is something about you that touches me, calms me and makes me feel safe and cared for :) These are good things.

I'd still love to know what you meant when you said nothing about us is normal...I happen to think there are several things about us that are normal :P.

I'm going to start your story at some point today...already have some ideas. I hope you'll like it :D.

Thank you

• Oct. 4th, 2002 at 7:52 AM

For being my friend and listening to me.
For taking the silver collar from my hands, never blinking and clasping it around my neck.
For understanding that despite everything or anything else, I'm still human and an emotional one at that.
For being you.

Oct. 3rd, 2002

• 7:52 AM

I want you to know I'm a realist and a cynic.


The cynic in me still believes that you are likely with me because I am convenient and give my all for those I am with. This isn't a reflection of what I think of you. Rather it is a reflection of years of experience with that type of relationship. Deep down, I know from your own actions that this isn't the case. Sometimes there is this tiny hint of emotion within you that shines through suddenly and wipes away every fear and doubt I have ever had.

The realist in me knows that entropy is difficult to escape. Let's face it, if it were easy to change I wouldn't be facing my 8th anniversary with this huge sense of foreboding  The realist in me also knows that relationships that begin physically rarely change to anything else.

I want you to understand that while I am not madly in love with you, I do care about you. Being with you reminds me of what it could be like to have a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me and wasn't solely focused on getting laid whenever and wherever they wanted. It reminds me of what I settled for ten years ago. It's not easy to face that.

Right now, there is something so painful inside my soul that I don't know how to get it out. You said no secrets...I don't think you bargained for this kind of disclosure and I'm sorry.

I have seriously considered leaving R three times. The first was before we joined the lifestyle...before we tried poly for the first time. I was certain he was fucking anyone he could (and though he denies it, I still believe he did these things). I went home for xmas and came back to North Carolina with the intent of wrapping up my affairs and moving back to PA. He convinced me to stay. Swore he hadn't done any of it. Within two weeks, I was facing the Scotland County crap and I stayed.

The second time was two years ago. We were involved in our first poly/BDSM relationship with another couple. This time it was the other eyes that saw how he treated me that made me recognize the behaviors I hated. I went so far that time to pack a bag to go stay with friends for a few days, to get some distance and space. He threatened to kill himself. I stayed. He swore he'd change. Stop treating me like an object. Stop forcing the issue (whatever the issue was) sexually when I said no. We left the lifestyle and he did stop for a while. But habits are hard to break and you've seen his behavior.

The third time has been in the last week or so since that day you visited here. Once again, someone else saw what I fight with internally every day. I've believed him so many times when he's told me his behavior isn't out of the ordinary that I doubt my own perceptions. No one seems to stay in our lives long enough for me to ask for an "outside" opinion...often because he does or says something that drives them away.

Now I'm at that place again...If I talk to him about it, he'll scream and carry on. He'll be sure to insist I stop seeing you. He'll blame you for my thoughts. He'll blame me for not meeting his needs. He'll blame anyone and everyone else. He didn't ever really understand during our talk last week that the real reason I was so upset was that he admitted he knew I didn't want the sexual contact but because he did, he pushed the issue knowing i'd give in.

Want to know what our biggest argument has always been? His sex drive and mine don't match. If I say no to him, I'm denying him what he needs. Why should I get to decided all the time whether or not we have sex. That's our biggest argument and always has been.

Want to know why our sex drives don't match? (because I know you're wondering considering how I am with you). I don't trust him. He hurts me on a regular basis. He believes "no" is an excuse to convince me. I feel like a piece of meat. Some of this is NOT fully his fault. There is a little psychological baggage left from when I had a ruptured ovarian cyst...he was the one to rupture it (we didn't know I had it until then). But the behaviors that perpetuate these feelings are his and have always been his.

You don't know how many people in our lives have come and gone and usually one of the last things they ask me is "Why are you with him?" There have been many folks who look at the two of us and at first they are willing to put up with him and his crap for the sake of being my friend. Any idea what it feels like to know that each of those people finally reached the conclusion that *I* wasn't worth the effort any more? How many people have turned and walked away from me, refusing to speak to me or have any contact with me because if they did they had to deal with him? And each time he had done something so awful that these people returned the favor, giving him the excuse of "Look at what they did to *us*. Do you really want them back in your life?"

I've probably scared you enough to send you running into the hills by this point. I'm sorry. I just needed to get some of this out of me before it kills me. I'm pretty realistic about my own limitations. I'm afraid to be alone. Hell is better when you're with someone else, I suppose. So many times I've been told I'm not desirable  not worth the time and effort it takes to breech the defensive walls I keep up for my own protection.

I've taught people it's okay to treat me this way. I teach them that my company isn't worthy by bringing them presents and doing things for them to make up for what my company lacks. I know I do these things...like I said, I'm pretty realistic about myself.