Horoscope for Pisces - February 28, 2011

When you are asked to give your opinion today, be very thoughtful about how you reply. The person who asked you what you thought might not really want to hear the truth ... so you definitely need to confirm their motivation before you respond. Prevent this from turning into a drama. No matter what, make sure you take an impersonal point of view. Do not let your personal beliefs or political viewpoint pollute good, honest and objective communication.
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A thought on identity

A thought on identity

I knew that many of the people I hang with in the local community didn't understand me and my place in the world of labels, but the depth of that lack of understanding didn't hit me until last night.

A friend, in answer to a question about how those in the room identified, said of me, "this one hasn't made up her mind yet'" I was stunned. I know I've spoken to this person about how I identify within the community, but somewhere between my explanation and her understanding was a gap of epic proportions.

When I'm asked how I identify, my answer begins with, "it's complicated, but...". I then explain the difference between power exchange relationships and play. In play, I am a sadistic top. I do not casually bottom because I'm not a masochist. In a power exchange relationship, I serve. While I have a dominant personality, I have found fulfillment as a servant. I will happily bottom for an owner and accept pain as a part of my service and the ruthless obedience I offer to an owner. I am not a switch.

I realize my identification is a bit long winded for most. I can't give them a single word answer because I believe in the power of words and enjoy the precision allowed by a correct and judicious use of our language. Plus a one word answer would be inaccurate.

It saddens me a bit to realize that my precise definition of my roles in our community has set up a type of wall. Often those who do not understand something will shy away from it. Many do not understand me or my definition of who I am. I see that my desire to be accurate and careful alienates me from those who do not see a world in which play and relationships are separate entities...where a servant can, and should, have strength.

I suppose it is time for me to realize and internalize that for many, anyone who does not neatly fit in the boxes labeled "dominant," "submissive," and "switch," does not know who they are and what they want. That's a sad thought for a woman who identifies as a clearly not submissive servant with a wicked sadistic streak.

Shari

At the club

At the club

I had nearly forgotten what it was like to play as hard as I want and to let the sadist in me run wild and free. For most of two years now I've been playing with bottoms who don't enjoy my level of sadism. I've been told "no marks" and "no single tails" so often that I've shuddered to hear the words.

Last night, however, I was party to a rare treat. Two bottoms, neither new to the scene nor going home to an unaware spouse, allowed me and another fellow sadist to "tear that ass up" literally. I was giddy and flying throughout the scene and for several hours after. Today my muscles ache in that way the do after a particularly good workout. The sadist is curled into a contented ball and is snoozing happily until the next time I need a fix.

I watched another friend test out her inner sadist last night and I warned her that it's like crack. Once you've played hard as a top, it's hard to go back to slap and tickle. I know that when I'm playing with a lighter bottom, my sadist roars like a caged lion. It wants out and wants to know why I tease it so.

I'm not a masochist. That means when I bottom for an owner, I do not fly. I cannot say that I have ever reached "subspace". I do fly when I top and if subspace is anything like the euphoric joy of top space, those bottoms who reach it are extremely blessed.

Thank you so very much to the two bottoms who let me run last night. May your marks remind you of the joy you gave this humble sadist.

Shari

Document from My Writing Spot: The hardest thing

The hardest thing

The journal prompt that arrived in my inbox this morning asked what is the hardest thing in your life. I didn't think much about it right away and didn't think I'd be writing about it until I got a message from someone and a package in the mail.

The message was from a former owner, as was the package, though it was addressed from his fiancé. Neither the message nor the package were really what got me thinking about the journal prompt. Instead, it was my reaction to the message and package.

The hardest thing for me is to let go. I hold on to people, but worse, I hold on to hurt and anger. I wish there were an easy way to let go of these things. I wish I could turn off the hurt and anger as easily as others seem to do. I wish I didn't feel the need to be better, prettier, thinner, more than I was before I was hurt. I wish I could move on.

Perhaps it's a matter of not really knowing how I could have done things differently. Maybe it's a matter of lack of closure. Maybe a subconscious part of me thrives on the pain and anger.

I want to let go. I want to be happy and healthy. I don't want to harbor these feelings anymore.

I release them. I banish them. I have moved on from them. No more thoughts of petty revenge or one upsmanship. I will be happy with myself.

Shari Malin

Horoscope for Pisces - February 26, 2011

Confused about a big decision? Don't be! All you have to do is sort out the pros and cons, and the answer will be clear. Of course, deciding what exactly a 'pro' is and what a 'con' is can be tricky. Think about it like this: If something is going to help you grow or improve, it's a pro. If something is going to offer nothing but short-term reward, it's a con. Your next steps in life should be focused on long-term gain. It's sort of like the difference between junk food and organic produce.
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Horoscope for Pisces - February 25, 2011

You may want to get more conservative with your resources -- you have worked hard for what you have right now, so conserve your gains. Celebrations are worth splurging for, but be careful not to overdo things too much. You need to stay focused on the real reasons you should feel proud of yourself. Do not let the attentions of other people dictate where you put your energy. You have never lived your life for other people, so why would you start now?
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Tarot Reading

From Beautiful Tarot HD
24 February 2011 7:08 AM

Your thoughts here: My past has been full of failed relationships, so the five of pentacles is appropriate. I can see the current state of both calm and confidence in the chariot. My future involves relationships, as it always had, but love appears to be in the cards.

Past, Present, Future: Three cards showing the flow of time

The Past

Past influences and events, the background and foundation of the present.

Five of Pentacles: The card foretells material trouble above all, whether in the form illustrated—that is, destitution—or otherwise. For some cartomancists, it is a card of love and lovers-wife, husband, friend, mistress; also concordance, affinities. These alternatives cannot be harmonised. Conquest of fortune by reason.

 

The Present

The current situation and its influences, both good and bad.

The Chariot: Succour, providence also war, triumph, presumption, vengeance, trouble.

 

The Future

Hopes, growing influences, the unknowable that is to come.

The Lovers: Attraction, love, beauty, trials overcome.

 

Interpretive text has been adapted from Wikipedia and the public-domain work A Pictorial Key to the Tarot by Arthur Edward Waite, published in 1910 (via Wikisource).

http://beautifultarot.com

Shari Malin

Horoscope for Pisces - February 24, 2011

The mall is a wonderful place, but it's filled with as much garbage as treasures. Your junk detector isn't doing so well right now, so you might want to stay away from scheduling any shopping trips. Your wallet and credit card accounts will thank you. The fierce urge to shop you feel isn't something to obey at the moment -- and it's probably fueled by your desire for distraction from what's really bothering you. Retail therapy isn't the way to go.
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Horoscope for Pisces - February 23, 2011

There is a big difference between being selfish and being protective of what you have, so don't feel guilty for not wanting to give everyone equal access to what you've worked so hard to earn. It is one thing to help people take advantage of an opportunity, it is quite another to do all the work for them. Learn how to say 'no' today and you will save yourself a lot of frustration. You are not responsible for someone's success just because you love them.
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Tarot Reading

From Beautiful Tarot HD
23 February 2011 10:52 AM

Your thoughts here: There are a lot of reversed cards here.  I can see myself as the excessive severity. I'm often too serious. The foundations of power authority are pretty standard for me and my life as well. My own doubts blocking me are an issue I have come up against in the past. Recognizing that I'm doing it again is a good way to battle this issue. I seek to be the empress. I want the home and hearth and love. Reversed strength in the past shows how often I've allowed others to run over me and my strength even when standing up would have been healthier. If I do not make change,s my future will stagnate where I am.

The Cup: For those who identify with the suit of Cups

The Querent

This represents the Querent, the here and now.

Justice (reversed): Law in all its departments, legal complications, bigotry, bias, excessive severity.

 

Foundations

This represents the reasons underlying the present, its influences, the assumptions we have made and the path that we have walked.

Ten of Swords (reversed): Victory and consequent fortune for a soldier in war. Advantage, profit, success, favour, but none of these are permanent; also power and authority.

 

Obstructions

This represents the problems we are likely to face, the obstacles that stand in our way, the challenges we have chosen for ourselves.

The Magician (reversed): Physician, Magus, mental disease, disgrace, disquiet.

 

Aspirations

This represents our hopes and fears, the secrets we hold dear, the glories we imagine, the path we hope to follow.

The Empress: Fruitfulness, action, initiative, length of days; the unknown, clandestine; also difficulty, doubt, ignorance.

 

The Past

This represents our relationship to the influences of the past: the things we wish we could forget, the memories we cherish.

Strength (reversed): Despotism, abuse if power, weakness, discord, sometimes even disgrace.

 

The Future

This represents our relationship to the future: the terror of the unknown, the shining hope of tomorrow, and the influences that these both hold for us.

The World (reversed): Inertia, fixity, stagnation, permanence.

 

Interpretive text has been adapted from Wikipedia and the public-domain work A Pictorial Key to the Tarot by Arthur Edward Waite, published in 1910 (via Wikisource).

http://beautifultarot.com

Shari Malin

Tarot Reading

From Beautiful Tarot HD
23 February 2011 10:48 AM

Your thoughts here: I'm not sure how to take this one. My interpretation of the pentacles is increased abundance. That I was asking about my relationships and love, it would look like with my opening to the divine (moon), I have set up a situation in which my search will result in a success.

Past, Present, Future: Three cards showing the flow of time

The Past

Past influences and events, the background and foundation of the present.

Seven of Pentacles: These are exceedingly contradictory; in the main, it is a card of money, business, barter; but one reading gives altercation, quarrels—and another innocence, ingenuity, purgation. Improved position for a lady's future husband.

 

The Present

The current situation and its influences, both good and bad.

The Moon: Hidden enemies, danger, calumny, darkness, terror, deception, occult forces, error.

 

The Future

Hopes, growing influences, the unknowable that is to come.

Queen of Pentacles: Opulence, generosity, magnificence, security, liberty. Dark woman; presents from a rich relative; rich and happy marriage for a young man.

 

Interpretive text has been adapted from Wikipedia and the public-domain work A Pictorial Key to the Tarot by Arthur Edward Waite, published in 1910 (via Wikisource).

http://beautifultarot.com

Shari Malin

Document from My Writing Spot: My search to find a

My search to find a power exchange relationship part 1

It was only after I was certain my heart had healed enough to be healthy that I decided to seek out a new power exchange relationship. The last, while not ending poorly, had done some damage to my state of mind and it took time for me to find peace with it.

Once I had done the internal work of repairing my heart and opening it to the possibility of finding a relationship again, I considered carefully what I was truly searching for. The impetus for the ad I finally constructed was actually several discussions I read and in which I participated on FetLife regarding the fair exchange--or not so fair--that must be part and parcel of a healthy relationships.

I realized that in the past I had not carefully articulated what I offered to an owner and what I needed to receive in return. I fell victim to the idea that a servant should just be pleased that he or she is in service and that a power exchange relationship was one in which there are inherent inequalities. It has taken me nearly eleven years of active participation in our community to finally realize what bunk that is.

Why should I not expect the same care and consideration which I offer to an owner? Why should I push my needs and desires entirely to the side in favor of meeting every whim an owner might express? The answer is simple. I shouldn't.

I began to restructure my ISO post and profile by clearly and simply stating "What I seek and what I offer." I feel that such a statement helps mitigate the possibility of misunderstandings. From there I clearly stated what I am in search of. I used broad terms to address my emotional and physical needs so as to not limit the possible connections. I then carefully expressed what I offered in return for having my stated needs met.

The end result is a two paragraph post in which my needs and my skills are listed. The language is broad and easily applicable to multiple candidates. I have included this advertisement below.

What I Seek and What I Offer

I am seeking a power exchange relationship in which I serve an owner as a full member of his life. I want to be emotionally connected to the owner and share in more than his kink. I want to share his life. I seek a relationship that goes beyond the bedroom and into the rest of the world. I seek an owner who will judiciously use the ruthless obedience I offer to improve his life and connect with me. I seek an owner who will care for me and my needs as I care for him and his. I seek an owner who will not fear love as a sign of weakness, but embrace it as a symbol of strength. I seek an owner who will be sexually compatible with me and who will be a generous lover. I seek an owner who will be as transparent with me as I am with him. I seek an owner who will value my trust by being truthful with me at all times.

I offer myself as an intelligent and competent woman. I offer my skills as a writer, organizer, and general servant. I offer ruthless obedience and loyalty. I offer my attention to detail. I offer my care and concern and possibly my love. I offer everything I am and everything I can become. I offer transparency in all areas of myself. I offer my trust and my honesty.

If you're interested or if you have questions, I hope you will consider contacting me.

After I posted this ad in several places, I received positive feedback from individuals who were not interested in a relationship, but who liked this approach. I then took the next important step in my search.

I picked up Jack Rinella's book, Becoming a Slave. I had read this book once before. I believe it was in 2007. I like Jack's writing because he tends to cut through the bull and get right to the heart of an issue. Becoming a Slave is no exception to this structure.

In the first several chapters I saw that while I had done a lot of the things Jack and Patrick suggest, there were several tasks I still had not tackled. I had examined myself and defined my service. I had clearly defined my needs and desires. I had looked at past relationships and examined what I could learn from them. What I hadn't done was prepare myself for a service relationship.

I have debts that I am struggling to pay. That means I have two jobs. I also have two small dogs and a parent who since the death of my dad has depended more and more on me. All these factors mean that there are impediments to my being available to an owner. For example, I'm a not averse to moving, but right now I don't have the money to do so. I'm also not certain how my mother would take me leaving the area again.

But these are not insurmountable issues. I am flexible about driving to see an owner and spend weekends with him. I can make plans and move in time. My mother will learn to live without me if I decide to leave the area again.

Despite these areas of ill preparation, I have begun the process of interviewing possible owners. So far I've responded to about two dozen ads on various sites and replied to several who have answered my ad. The process from is part two of this series and will be forth coming.

» Share things you would never do and don Submissive Journal Prompts

» Share things you would never do and don Submissive Journal Prompts

Thought for 02222011

What value is there in controlling the weak? Is not the control of the strong much more satisfying?

This thought came to me after a submissive contacted me via cm and said how nice it was to see another who believed in the strength of those who submit.

Now I could definitely argue that I do not submit, I surrender. There is a significant difference between the two terms. To submit is to "give over or yield to the power or authority of another." To surrender is "to yield to the possession or power of another." The two terms may seem close in definition, but there are several key differences.

As defined above, you can see that surrender includes the concept of ownership while submit does not. Additionally, surrender does not absolve one of inherent authority, while submit does. Both require to giving of power to another, but to me, there is a more considered and conscious decision in surrender than found in submission.

When I am in service, I have chosen to surrender my power to the possession of the owner. It is a conscious and thoughtful decision on my part because I am, at my core, a powerful, intelligent, thoughtful woman and a control freak. Ruthless obedience allows me to find safety and comfort in my surrender, but neither obedience nor surrender absolve me of my responsibility as a thinking adult.

Circling back to the original thought, would not an owner be more fulfilled by owning property which has surrendered to his ownership and power while retaining their authority in the larger world? Would it not be more fulfilling knowing that the powerful person in service to an owner could say no but has made the decision to say yes? Is it not more fulfilling to an owner to be served by someone who serves through making decisions rather than failing to do so? Should I not, as a servant, seek to serve an owner who seeks the more difficult path of ownership of a strong servant over that of a weak one?

Just a thought.

Shari Malin

The paradox of the strong and submissive woman | Taken In Hand

The paradox of the strong and submissive woman | Taken In Hand

Tarot Reading #2

From Beautiful Tarot HD
22 February 2011 9:33 AM

Your thoughts here: my interpretation of the nine of wands is that it is a good representation of me. I am strong and a hell of an adversary to go up against. As for the queen of swords, I can see that I have been alone because some part of me felt I should be alone. Reversed justice could represent the limitations I have placed upon myself by not being open to what I truly want in my my life. The eight of pentacles in aspiration is easy. I have always sought success in all areas of my life, often to the detriment of other parts of myself. The two of pentacles, paired with the reversed justice shows that I've stood in my own way, but that I am ready to stop doing so. With judgment in the outcome, the hard work I've done, the steps I've taken, will bring me to the place where I find what I am seeking.

The Cup: For those who identify with the suit of Cups

The Querent

This represents the Querent, the here and now.

Nine of Wands (reversed): Obstacles, adversity, calamity.

Foundations

This represents the reasons underlying the present, its influences, the assumptions we have made and the path that we have walked.

Queen of Swords: Widowhood, female sadness and embarrassment, absence, sterility, mourning, privation, separation. A widow.

Obstructions

This represents the problems we are likely to face, the obstacles that stand in our way, the challenges we have chosen for ourselves.

Justice (reversed): Law in all its departments, legal complications, bigotry, bias, excessive severity.

Aspirations

This represents our hopes and fears, the secrets we hold dear, the glories we imagine, the path we hope to follow.

Eight of Pentacles: Work, employment, commission, craftsmanship, skill in craft and business, perhaps in the preparatory stage. A young man in business who has relations with the Querent; a dark girl.

The Past

This represents our relationship to the influences of the past: the things we wish we could forget, the memories we cherish.

Two of Pentacles: On the one hand it is represented as a card of gaiety, recreation and its connexions, which is the subject of the design; but it is read also as news and messages in writing, as obstacles, agitation, trouble, embroilment. Troubles are more imaginary than real.

The Future

This represents our relationship to the future: the terror of the unknown, the shining hope of tomorrow, and the influences that these both hold for us.

The Last Judgment: Change of position, renewal, outcome. Another account specifies total loss though lawsuit.

Interpretive text has been adapted from Wikipedia and the public-domain work A Pictorial Key to the Tarot by Arthur Edward Waite, published in 1910 (via Wikisource).

http://beautifultarot.com

Shari Malin

Tarot Reading for My Birthday

From Beautiful Tarot HD
22 February 2011 9:26 AM

Your thoughts here: it would seem that while today is not the day for the fulfillment of my desires, that fulfillment is coming. This reading shows that in the past I have had what I am currently seeking, but that a dishonest relationship took it away. The future is more positive and my patience will be rewarded.

Past, Present, Future: Three cards showing the flow of time

The Past

Past influences and events, the background and foundation of the present.

Four of Wands: They are for once almost on the surface—country life, haven of refuge, a species of domestic harvest-home, repose, concord, harmony, prosperity, peace, and the perfected work of these. Unexpected good fortune.

The Present

The current situation and its influences, both good and bad.

King of Cups (reversed): Dishonest, double-dealing man; roguery, exaction, injustice, vice, scandal, pillage, considerable loss.

The Future

Hopes, growing influences, the unknowable that is to come.

Six of Wands (reversed): Fulfilment of deferred hope. Apprehension, fear, as of a victorious enemy at the gate; treachery, disloyalty, as of gates being opened to the enemy; also indefinite delay.

Interpretive text has been adapted from Wikipedia and the public-domain work A Pictorial Key to the Tarot by Arthur Edward Waite, published in 1910 (via Wikisource).

http://beautifultarot.com

Shari Malin

Kind Words from a Previous Owner

Kind words from a previous owner

I was texting with an old friend and previous owner last night. This man was the second I served when I came to this community nearly eleven years ago. We parted ways as dominant and submissive, but remained close friends. He is still one of the people in my life who I know will be there if I need help.

This is a text he sent to me: [You were] someone who never said no. Who forgave me when I was stupid. And whose intelligence was an asset for me.

I was deeply touched by his sentiment and asked if he'd be willing to write a reference for me. He said he would, but he didn't like the idea. When I asked him why he wasn't happy about writing me a reference, he said, "why would I want someone to have something I lost and can't have now. But I love you enough to help you be happy."

This man holds a very special place in my hear and has for ten years. I love him and know he loves me. We weren't a good fit for power exchange but we are excellent friends. I am blessed that he is in my life and I tell him so often.

Shari Malin

Serving a Woman

Serving a Woman

Over the years some of the most incredible women I've ever met have said that were it not for my decidedly straight sexual orientation, they would want me in service to them. I think about these offers from time to time because a part of me wonders if I'm turning down the relationship that would fulfill me because I want to get off.

I'm straight. I joke sometimes that I'm probably the only straight person most of my friends know. I started being asked out by women in college. My own mother thought I might be a lesbian when I was in middle school. But I like men. I can appreciate a woman sexually, but I don't get turned on sexually by women.

Part of me is torn about this. The women who have approached me about service have done so without mention of sex. They have said to me the things I need to hear about structure and expectations. They have presented me with what I think I want, but because I know I don't do divided loyalties well, I wonder how I might find completeness in a service relationship with a woman.

I like sex. I need sex. I don't enjoy emotionally disconnected sex. I do not want to try to balance the kind of service relationship I build with an owner with a "boyfriend" so that I could continue to have sex. I am, at heart, monogamous because when I am involved with someone, especially in an owner/servant relationship, my focus is on my partner. I've never mastered the ability to divide myself between the partner and others. I feel that I would be cheating an owner out of something should I choose to serve someone and then seek out another partner to have certain of my needs met. Neither partner would be getting all of my attention and care and I would feel torn .

That is not to say I won't serve someone who is poly. I will. I have. I've had the same kind of success and failure with poly that I believe most people do. When all parties are agreed to work together for the success of all relationships, poly works. When one or more partners work against any of the others, it doesn't.

The worst part of this analysis is that I berate men who contact me for wanting to talk about nothing but sex. Here I am, saying the only thing holding me back from considering service to a woman is sex. But if I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that I have served without sex and have been miserable. My body has needs. Unfortunately, my inability to enjoy emotionally detached sex coupled with my inability to effectively divide my loyalties means that in order to be whole in service, I must ask the one I serve to be the source of sexual fulfillment for me. I suppose this is something I should work on in order to be a better servant. I do not, however, know where to begin with this issue as so much of it is hard-wired into who I am. I'm open to suggestions.

Shari Malin

My life as a slave

My life as a slave
It is my desire to be a useful part of an owner's life. To that end I will have daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks which will improve the quality of my life, my service, and the life of the owner.
These tasks will include education for us both, domestic chores, personal service tasks, and goal setting and achievement for us both.
I will live with or near the owner so that I may be a part of his daily life and my device can be easily accessed by him.

In order to be ready to take a service position, I must continue to straighten out my finances. I must keep working on my weight and health so I can effectively serve an owner. I must keep working on my career and keeping the stress levels associated with it to a minimum.

This is not nearly the 1000 word recommendation from the activity is Becoming a Slave, but the truth of the matter is that I have been working on much of myself and my life for many years in order to be more available to an owner. I'm not coming to these activities cold.

Shari Malin

What was the first contact you had with the concept of consensual slavery?

Activities from Jack Rinella's book, Becoming a Slave
What was the first contact you had with the concept of consensual slavery?

I don't know how to answer this question because for the last ten years, service and servitude have been a part of my everyday life. Even before then, I was interested in the concepts of both consensual and nonconsensual servitude. I tied up my barbies. I read novels about kidnapped maidens. I watched movies in which the heroine was always forced to serve the villain until the hero rescued her.

Over the years I have learned a more realistic and livable concept of consensual servitude. I have happily lived it for brief times and seek it out as a permanent way of life for myself.

When I serve, when I am useful to an owner, I am whole. I see myself separate from parts of the whole me when I am not in service. There is a big part of who I am which seeks to be of use. It isn't sexual, it is spiritual and soul-baring.

I am re-reading this book as a way to refine and possibly redefine consensual servitude and how I can once again engage in it as a way of life.

A Dream of Service

I dreamed I was in service to a large hospitality organization. It was my job to see to the comfort of the guests and to manage the other employees. I worked very hard to do all of these things and I talked to others who didn't understand what I did or who I was.
As I took care of someone's needs, another free server asked me about why another servant would wish to serve. This person felt the other servant was weak for wanting to be in service. I quickly set them straight.
"A man who sees others in the position he wishes to be in day in and day out is not weak. Instead he is the strongest of us all. He sees his own dream fulfilled for others each day and yet each day he serves to the best of his ability and without complaint or jealousy. He may never get his heart's desire, but his service is not one whit less than his best while he awaits his dream."
The free server still didn't understand, but I do. I know this was my subconscious telling my conscious self how to survive outside of a service relationship. I must still be my best. I must still serve where I can and to the best of my ability. I must not give up hope for the right position to come along. I must remain strong.

Island of Pain- With Consent Comes Responsibility

Check out this post: http://islandofpain.com/2010/07/09/with-consent-comes-responsibility/

What not to do on a lonely Saturday night...

I should never read over messages shared between me and a former owner, let alone on a night when I'm home and feeling lonely.

I read the words. I see the offers I made to remedy what turned out to be an untenable situation. I see me begging over and over for boundaries and clear expectations. I see me clearly saying again and again that I didn't want to cause the family grief, that I didn't want to be in the other woman's position. I remember the pain of each word and the thoughts that ran me ragged.

Then I remember holding his face between my palms, kissing his lips and closing my eyes in pain the moment he said he loved me. The shock of the admission widened his eyes and set my heart thumping. That the words came at the end of a very painful weekend made me weep when I was alone and could consider them.

I remember packing my bags after an abortive day at an event in Baltimore. I remember crying in the car on the way home. I remember the pain of leaving him behind.

I admit that I miss him sometimes. I miss his friendship the most. I wonder that from the day he said he loved me to the day he took my bird and gave me his collar was only a month and I wonder how he was able to do that...to let me go so easily. I wonder if he misses me.

And I wonder if she ever understands what she asks him to give up each time she drives someone out of his life. I wonder when she will stop living a lie and start living a life. I wonder if she truly doesn't see what her actions do to him. I wonder...

Written February 7, 2008

And still true today...

I've been re-reading the Marketplace series, something I do from time to time because I find myself identifying with the characters in ways I'm not sure I understand but that I certainly seek out.

I mostly closely identify with both Robin and Chris in those books, and do so for very different reasons.

With Robin I see what my life could be like if there really were a Marketplace and people would and could and did buy and sell slaves in contemporary society. She is smart, happy, not very submissive, but a slave to the very depths of her souls. She wants to be useful and used. She hates the activities at times but she loves that her owners and trainer use her for their own purposes without concern with her feelings about the acts.

With Chris I am beginning to see what my life is now becoming. He wants nothing more than to be owned, to be of service, and yet it is the very nature of his service that places him in positions of authority where being a slave is difficult (and in his case, delayed most of his life).

I read these books and I yearn. I yearn for ownership like that. Not where I don't have to make decisions for myself but ownership where decisions are taken from me because the owner wishes to make them regardless of what I might think of them. I want to be possessed...taken where the owner wishes to take me regardless of whether or not I enjoy the activity because I want to surrender my will to the owner.

And I want to learn how to curb the hurtful feelings and thoughts that arise when I feel more like a neglected girlfriend than a slave. I don't want to feel that way. It leaves me feeling both sad and ashamed, as well as selfish and not very slave-like. I want to be able to say, "It is his prerogative to use me or not at his pleasure," and mean it rather than feeling resentful that my needs weren't considered. I just don't know how to do that.

I need to love and be loved. My heart needs that to be happy in service. At the same time, I think I need to be reminded from time to time that I am owned. I'm generally a pretty good girl. I don't get into trouble often and so there are few reminders.

I don't know exactly what I'm saying or searching for here. I know that I keep hoping this weekend's dinner will give me the opportunity to demonstrate ruthless obedience without hesitation because that would be a clear indication of my status. 

I don't often say, "I need," but I think this one is one I do have to speak up for. I need to be reminded of my place from time to time...to be shown that I am in service and that my primary service is the happiness and pleasure of the owner. I really do need that.

Freedom in Surrender

There is freedom in surrender that I have not found in any other part of my life.

That sentence came to me as I was talking to my best friend about power exchange relationships. As I typed it, I realized how very true the sentiment encased in those words is.

I am a strong woman. I'm a self-described control freak. I take care of my own life and often the lives of those I care about. Consider then, the power inherent in offering up that kind of control to someone else and letting them take you where they want you to go. Instead of doing everything yourself, you surrender to the desires and priorities of another and you must learn to rely on someone else. The thought of trusting someone with that level of surety is daunting for someone like me. Outside of a power exchange relationship, I rarely rely on anyone else for any reason. I don't trust others to not let me down. In a power exchange relationship, however, it becomes an aspect of ruthless obedience to trust in an owner and surrender to his desire to help me and to direct me, even when that direction is "take a nap and I'll take care of the vacuuming today."

The freedom comes with a price, though. The power exchange relationship must be front-loaded with negotiation to bring about the environment in which the trust level is such that surrender is possible. If I cannot trust you, or your actions prove to me that my trust is misplaced, then I will not be able to surrender. If I cannot surrender, cannot give you my whole trust, I am cheating us both.

When I think of the things I miss most about being in service, the sense of freedom and peace from surrendering to the will of the owner is right up there in the top ten. I look forward to the day when I can once again live the life I once did...the one where this kind of surrender was a part and parcel of my relationship.

Shari Malin

The Marketplace and Musings

So I was reading one of the bonus short stories included in the kindle edition of The Marketplace and I was once again struck by the author's ability to so fully express the pain and intense emotion of the unowned slave. I was also struck by the insight she offered into the master's mindset.

When I am not in service, it is sometimes excruciating to see others in service. The need to be of service, to be useful, can be overwhelming. It can also be desperately lonely and sad. I serve when and where I can to fill that hole, but part of my soul is still out there in the dark when I am not in service.

My best friend knows both my pain and his own. He is, as Grendel is in the short story, aware of the value of the service of the slave he has held from time to time. And as Grendel knows about himself and his ability to be the owner Chris needs, my best friend knows he is not the owner I need. It is a horrible place for both slave and master. To know that at any one moment, both could be what the other needs, but for the string of moments a lifetime is made of, neither is right for the other.

I know that The Marketplace is fiction...and unattainable fantasy. I'm not delusional. What I am is hopeful. Hopeful that some day I'll once again know the peace of a collar, the love in service, the blessing of being owned. I hope that these last few years have taught me to be a better servant. I hope I have learned that no part of who I am is to be withheld from an owner, including my sadism and skills as a top. I hope I have come to a place in my life where the ruthless obedience I live by can be used judiciously by an owner and cherished for the soul-bearing nature of such obedience.

For now, though, the lump in my throat tells me that I am still seeking that right owner and that my soul will not rest until I find the right situation, the right owner. Until then, I will keep working, keep learning, keep serving the community as I can.

What I Seek and What I Offer

I think it is very important that participants in a relationship know what they want and what they offer in return. To that end, I have written the following to share with those who might be interested in a relationship with me.


I am seeking a power exchange relationship in which I serve an owner as a full member of his life. I want to be emotionally connected to the owner and share in more than his kink. I want to share his life. I seek a relationship that goes beyond the bedroom and into the rest of the world. I seek an owner who will judiciously use the ruthless obedience I offer to improve his life and connect with me. I seek an owner who will care for me and my needs as I care for him and his. I seek an owner who will not fear love as a sign of weakness, but embrace it as a symbol of strength. I seek an owner who will be sexually compatible with me and who will be a generous lover. I seek an owner who will be as transparent with me as I am with him. I seek an owner who will value my trust by being truthful with me at all times.

I offer myself as an intelligent and competent woman. I offer my skills as a writer, organizer, and general servant. I offer ruthless obedience and loyalty. I offer my attention to detail. I offer my care and concern and possibly my love. I offer everything I am and everything I can become. I offer transparency in all areas of myself. I offer my trust and my honesty.

Love

Written after the MsC 2009

Shake the snow from your shoulders
Rub your hands together
Seek the warmth of your fire

Shake the years from your shoulders
Rub hands with those you've missed
Seek the warmth of each embrace
Sink slowly into the pool of warmth

Stretch to coat your entire soul
Find each stiff muscle and tired fiber
Let the waves ease you

Is not love like a fire
Can it not warm your skin or burn you to embers

Is not love like a warm pool
Heated by the sun in the open glen
Can it not soothe your bones or take you down

Is not love like drowning without dying
Can it not sweep you away