Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Well, tick another item off my “never did it” list. Last night, for the first time in my life, I was fisted.

J was feeling aggressive most of the day. We’re working on a project and it has him pumped up. Early in the day, he’d ordered me to give him a blow job while he was working on the computer.

After dinner, I was working on photos and he was watching a movie. When I finished, I lay down on the couch and he joked that I was ready to sleep and he was ready for another blow job. I of course complied quickly. After about fifteen minutes (and my leg falling asleep from kneeling in front of him), he told me to go get my favorite vibrator (which now has to be replaced because the @*&!^ dog got hold of it last night). He had me lay on the floor in front of him and f*ck myself with it for him. Then he told me to go get another vibrator. He wanted me to put them both inside me at the same time, but I couldn’t do it…I guess I’m just not shaped that way LOL.

He lay down on the floor with me and asked me if I’d ever been fisted before. I told him no. He asked if I wanted to be and I told him I didn’t know. He started touching me, then sent me to get lube.

It’s hard to describe with this felt like. There was pressure and there was some pain but the end result was an orgasm so strong I thought my head was going to burst. I had always been afraid of fisting…thought it would be excruciating…thought it would stretch things I liked tight the way they were…but in the end it was amazing. I can still feel it if I remember lying on my back, my right leg curled behind J, his left hand against my side and his right hand inside me to the wrist *shudder*.

He then proceeded to f*ck me senseless. While I wouldn’t wish for the weight I’ve lost to come back, I have to say that losing some padding has been detrimental LOL. My ribs are bruised from him laying on me (now two nights in a row…he f*cked my ass the night before…holy orgasm batman!). I still have padding there when I’m standing, but when I lay down, there’s only a little skin between the rib and him.
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Six Point Florentine by J.

Jan. 31st, 2006 at 9:30 AM


Jarrett Floggers 3
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. I so love watching him work. He is amazing when he flies. There's a way to his movements that makes you want to be there...connected to him...even if it really hurts to be there LOL.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Perfection

“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
~Aristotle
Oh how I know this! I have always enjoyed seeing things "become." I used to like to mow the lawn (despite being allergic) because I liked watching the lines join each other as I methodically moved from one end of the field to the other.

I have been working on a pair of Corcoran jump boots this weekend. I bought them at a pawn shop and while they weren't horribly dull and ugly, they needed care. I polished them once and a friend came by and told me what they should look like. I've spent the rest of the weekend working to reach that point. I can see the light glinting off of them from across the room right now. While I do not ever see myself joining boot black competitions or even performing boot blacking services in public (J said it could be a private endeavor for me), I enjoyed working on these boots because I loved watching the shine come out of the darkness.

Now I need to apply the same mentality to learning other skill sets to make my service more effective and comprehensive. I need to find ways to take "good enough" out of my vocabulary.
[protected post] Thoughts on Obedience
Those who would be slaves must obey and serve *whether or not* they are in agreement with their master's will. They must accept and abide by the structure and guidelines that are laid down for them. They must expect to be held accountable.
-Cyd Athens

The quote is an excerpt from a "Leather Thought" forwarded to a list I am on. In this thought, Cyd Athens looks at the state of being a Master or slave in the past and how that state of being can be brought into the current state of WIITWD.

I find myself relating closely to Athens' statements regarding Masters and slaves. It is not up to me to question J's orders. Rather it is my duty to obey him and trust that he will consider my well-being and health when he issues said orders. I also must expect to be held accountable for my actions or non-actions.

I find myself somewhat embarrassed (because I don't take compliments well) when J speaks to others about my obedience. I am especially uncomfortable when he compares me with other submissives or slaves. But in truth, I am doing only what is expected. I find great comfort in serving within my defined boundaries. When in doubt, obedience is the easiest path for me. I take no pleasure in bratty behavior and often feel embarrassed by it in others. This is now more pronounced because I know how much J dislikes bratty behavior and I can feel him tense up when he is exposed to it.

Saturday, January 21, 2006


Controlling Behavior

“Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.”
~Thomas H. Huxley
Interesting that I came across this quote right after writing about hesitating to ask J for what I want or need. "Act decidedly and take the consequences…" it's an important thought for me.

R and I spoke at length last night regarding my difficulties in expressing my wants and needs and he made a point that I hadn't previously considered. Each time I fail to speak up, I take away J's right to make a decision…in essence, I make the decision for him. I don't like thinking that my silence is manipulative, but in truth, it really is. I am manipulating the situation in such a way that only my thoughts and considerations are taken into account. By choosing to stay silent, I take from J his right to make decisions in the relationship. I am usurping his position in the power exchange.

I'm ashamed that this point of view did not occur to me. It took another submissive person to point out to me how controlling my behavior was. As long as I have been at this, been in this type of mindset, been involved in power exchange relationships and I simply never thought of it as controlling. I truly believed I was working in the best interest of the person I was serving by not being demanding.

[protected post] The Scene from Monday

I haven't yet written about the scene J and I had on Monday at Master P's house. I'm not sure why. It was intense and stressful and emotional and I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping words around the images I still have in my brain.

Part of me sees my naked form, thinner than it has been in a very long time, displayed before mostly strangers as I clung to the bookshelf. Part of me can see J behind me, knowing the way his body moves as he begins to fly. Part of me can hear and see the onlookers, can discern the apprehension from the youngest members of the audience.

I can still hear him telling me to turn. I can still see him staring into my own eyes as the single tail continued to snake out toward me. I can still feel the profound trembling in my entire body and the force of will it took to bring it under some semblance of control at J's command.

He told me later that when he saw me trembling he'd wanted to beat me to my knees but chose not to in order to keep from scaring the two women we'd gone to meet that night. I don't know how to feel about that particular statement other than to know that I would have taken that beating for and from him without protest.

He gives me safewords for these types of scenes (or at least he did for this one). And while what he did to me hurt, I wasn't yet to the point of using them. The tears came quickly and more vehemently when I lost my focus. The single-tail stung but didn't hurt as much as I had expected it to. I know he held back (he didn't break the skin) but it helps my fear a lot to feel it the way I did, see the marks it left, and know it wasn't as bad as my imagination made it to be.

Pain is not something I can translate into pleasure as some people can. I can only focus on it and work through it. I don't fly the way some submissives/masochists talk about flying…I never have. I can only reach for the connection between me and the top and use it to hold onto and come back to when it is through.

I also talked to J about the difference in emotional response I have between being hit with something like a flogger or a single-tail and being hit with his hands. The implements hurt far more, but the emotional toll of being hit with his hands is far more painful. And, as I told him, it isn't as though I believe he's angry with me. Instead there is a level of detachment between the user and the used when an implement comes between them. If he slaps me or hits me with his hands, that detachment is removed. The action is far more personal.

Friday, January 20, 2006


 Thoughts for today

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.”

~Booker T. Washington

I was thinking this morning of a discussion J and I had in the car yesterday and how I'm having difficulty with something. This quote on success struck a chord with me because of it.

J wants me to verbalize my wants and needs (okay, so he wants me to beg him...minor difference when the issue is actually the verbalization). 

For my entire life, I have subjugated my wants and needs for those of the people around me. I will go without to be certain those I'm caring for have enough. I will push my desires back in order to help those around me find their own. This behavior has been a part of my life longer than I have been in service or understood what that meant. As an only child, I played alone...jumping up from what I was doing to answer my mother's call when she needed help. When I got three sisters at the age of 11 (my mother remarried after divorcing my father), my wants and needs took the back seat to those of my sisters' because I tried to keep the peace in my mother's house.

In addition to years of patterned behavior, each time I have put forth my wants and needs and held fast to them, I have been hurt by those from whom I requested that my needs and wants be heard. Any time I have held fast to a position because it was in MY best interest, anyone else affected by my decision has been angry and hurt (because I teach people it's okay to ignore my wants and needs in favor of their own).

And in the past when I have asked that my needs be met, more often than not, I was told no.

All of these factors make up the issue at hand. While I could think the words J wanted to hear me say on Wednesday night, I couldn't get them past my lips. I cannot seem to simply say, “Please, Sir. I would very much like ____.” It feels selfish to me. I spend so much time considering other factors that I actually make things worse by waiting than had I simply spoken up in the first place.

Case and point: Wednesday Night
J was leaving on Thursday for a four day trip. I desperately wanted to be close to him, be held by him and be f*cked silly before he left. At the time I was thinking these things, I’m looking at him, seeing how tired he is, knowing how exhausting the last week and a half has been, knowing how drained he is from being in top space for so much of that time. I’m thinking to myself it would be selfish to ask for these things because he needs to be cared for so he can be fresh and revitalized for his trip.

In my mind, I can form the request. But it never makes it from my brain to my lips because somewhere in my brain a switch is thrown which blocks all such communication if I believe I am asking for selfish reasons.

I try not to be needy. Especially in a new relationship. I don’t want to be a burden to people and yet I know that my refusal to share these things with J is a problem. It tacitly demonstrates a failure to trust that he will consider my request with honest thought and consideration. The thing is, I know that isn’t true. J has never given me one reason to distrust him or to believe he would turn away a true need out of hand.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


 Saturday, the 14th

J is amazing to watch as he flies in top space. He's graceful, poised and focused and I wish I'd had my camera to capture that beauty.

In all, Saturday was an odd day. After arriving at P and N's home I tried to help with cleaning and preparing the house for the party. I felt very much like an outsider, especially when J left with P for several hours. N wanted to complain about J so I excused myself and sat in my car for a bit so I would be face with choosing loyalties later or accused of tattling. I cried in the car is more accurate.

silly thought for the day...at something K said (and I don't specifically remember what it was) I thought "I don't appreciated being treated as a servant" it dawned on me as I was thinking it that it was ridiculous...how can I be upset if someone treats me like a servant when that is how I was behaving at the time (I did more cleaning yesterday than I generally do at my own house). Despite J telling me not to isolate myself to perform menial tasks, when I'm outside my comfort zone, I find it again through service. Did I bristle inside at whatever it was K said, yes? Did I comply without an outward show, yes? For several reasons. J left K with instructions to keep an eye on me, placing me in the subordinate position. I refuse to behave poorly because it will embarrass both me and J. And good manners are always appropriate especially in a situation where I felt I was being tested and judged as I performed each task.

I spent most of the party trying to be helpful and unobtrusive. J used floggers on me a little...leaving me dressed...and snapped the singletail around me...I think he expects me to flinch, but I actually find it a good centering exercise. I can shut down every awareness but J and the ringing in my ears from the crack. It's intimate and sexy and powerful for me to trust him that way. He has been clear he values me and strikes me as a man willing and eager to hurt, but reserved about truly damaging what he values.

Master P...from Friday...attended with his girl C. I don't know how to address my interactions with P from last night. There was proprietariness to his behavior toward me which made me uncomfortable. He stopped me in the kitchen early in the evening and ordered me to touch and kiss his girl while he fondled us both. I was unaware of any permissions J might have granted P, so I complied. Later P ordered me to perform cunnilingus on his girl...something I'd never done before. J was with me this time so again, no hesitation. Still later in the evening P ordered me to strip in the living room. J and I talked briefly about most of this and next time there will be more specific instructions to P or J will be there to tell him no for me. As J said, there is the element of being available for use by dominants as a slave, but last night pushed the envelope.

All that being said, P was solicitous of my well-being throughout the night and stayed with me as I watched J with K.

Deeper, darker things...
After watching J with K I am beginning to understand the depths of his sadism. I admit to being somewhat terrified of this, but I honestly believe much of the fear stems from the unknown.

J, K and I talked together after their scene about those feelings. J said something which made me consider, is what I'm doing for real or is it just an act I put on for the amusement of others and myself? He told me I had ten minutes to consider and then come to him to beg him to hurt me. I could serve him by feeding the beast or I could be an amusement to him. He left me with K to talk it over.

K said something I'd hoped hadn't been as obvious as it apparently was. She asked if I was afraid of surrendering further. I said yes. Then she pointed out it seemed I was already in pretty deep, so what harm was going just a little farther.

J is the most clearly dominant man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. From the moment I heard his voice, I was drawn to him. He demands excellence from me in a way no one ever has before. I want to be the slave he believes I can be. I want to be the kind of slave he is proud to tell others he trained. I want to be the woman and slave I see reflected in his eyes when I do right. So I went to him, knelt and told him these things and said, Please Sir, will you hurt me?"

He calls me his sanctuary. I am the calming effect he says he needs. He feels cared for and safe with me and that is so important to me. Service, for me, is not just about actions. It is a way of being which puts others at ease and lets them abandon the stresses and strains which deplete them. It is being able to help them replenish. Power exchange is energy exchange, something I have always been adept with. Why should I not make this skill central in my service?

Saturday, January 14, 2006


 Last night

I don't even know where to begin, I only know I have to write to process and get my head cleared.

First, what follows is a description of a REWARD. J has been so pleased with my performance that he chose to give to me something I told him was a fantasy.

**Warning**
Frank discussion of seemingly non-consensual behavior behind the cut. Do NOT read if such things upset you.



When I met J (and I cannot believe it has been less than a week since I was brave enough to call a complete stranger on the phone), he asked what my fantasies were. I told him that many of them included an element of non-consent. He mentioned at the time bringing another dominant into my training and just allowing this man to come into my home at his pleasure and take me...do whatever he wished with me. While I believed he would do such a thing, I never imagined it would be this quickly.

Last night, J came over (I have seen him and spent significant time with him every day since I met him). I prepared his meal (steak and teriyaki shrimp on the grill, whole green beans sautéed with garlic and Portobello mushrooms, lemon charlotte royal for desert). I offered him wine (I took a crash course in what wine to serve and how to serve it--I'd had only half an hour to prepare the meal), but he said that while he appreciated the offer and the completeness of the meal, he had plans for me later and refused to imbibe even a little when he planned to engage in WIITWD. He laid down several lengths of beautiful black braided nylon rope and left me wondering what he could possibly have planned.

He praised the meal. He praised my performance during the week. He indicated he felt well-cared for and comfortable with me. I'm not especially good at accepting compliments, but hearing these made me smile and warmed my whole body.

At one point (and I admit to the entire evening becoming a blur after serving dinner), he pulled me across his lap and spanked me. He laughed and said, "See what being a good girl gets you? You do everything right and get beat for it just because I wanted to beat your ass."

We watched Underworld for a bit and then he went out for "donuts." I did tell him I believed the Krispy Kreme was closed for renovations, but he went to see for himself. I stayed in the house and awaited his return, happily curled up in the corner of the couch.

When he returned, he asked me to prepare a cup of coffee (with the amount of coffee he drinks, I need to buy a regular coffee pot. I've never had one because I don't drink coffee. One cup at a time just doesn't cut it anymore). In the midst of doing so, he stepped into the dinning room where I was working and said one word…"kneel." I didn't know for certain, so I went with literal commands and stayed where I was (across the room from him), and knelt immediately. He really has a nice smile when he's pleased.

He let me feel his tawse at one point as well. He held it out to show it to me and I commented that it was very nice, but I was only speaking of aesthetics. One taste and I was no longer dealing only in aesthetics.

Later (and again, the order is mixed in my mind…everything from the end of dinner until my front door opened is a little jumbled), I stood in the living room as he walked around me, asking me to repeat definitions (which I flubbed completely…I had the gyst, but not the exact wording) and talked about bondage being the most dangerous activity we engage in. He was telling me he planned a predicament bondage…leaving me helpless while he used needles on me (knowing I'm petrified of needles but would give that to him if he wanted it). He had just said, "Needles aren't a limit for me," when I heard the front door open (my back was to it and I was looking at J who was to my right—the door was behind and to the left). I had only the impression of a large, dark body stepping through the door.

In the next instant, a hand was wrapped in my hair and I was being dragged across the room to my bedroom door. He opened the door, shoved me through it and pushed it nearly closed behind us. I heard one word…"Strip."

My hands shook as I unbuttoned my blouse and pulled it off, unhooked my bra and desperately tried to get out of my pants without falling. He shoved me forward over the edge of my bed.

Other than a few disjointed clear spots, the next hour or so is a complete blur. I was raped, humiliated, bitten, tortured…I cried through quite a lot of it, though most vehemently when he tried to get me to call myself either a pig or a cow. I refused and earned a vicious bite on my nipple for my refusal. I wasn't allowed to scream though I wanted to desperately.

Just as J has always seemed to alternate tenderness with cruelty (or sadism would be more accurate), this still anonymous man did the same. One moment he would be doing something so excruciating I thought I was going to die. The next he would whisper, "breathe," and hold my head to his chest. The contrast was as much of a "mind f*ck" as the rest of the evening had been.

When he left me (blindfolded and desperately masturbating at his command), J came into the room and sat on my bed. When he told me I could stop what the other man had told me to do, I thanked him, curled into his lap and sobbed. He held me, stroked my hair and my back, and let me finish crying. He said, again, "See what being a good girl gets you?" and I thanked him for his gift.

J later said (and I'm still foggy on the sequence), "I never left you." He was right in more ways than I believe he might have meant at the time. Throughout the experience, I could hear J typing in the living room (where he was chatting on the computer). I knew he was in the next room. I knew in my intellectual mind that he had prepared the man who had taken me so brutally because the man had spoken to me of things I'd discussed with J and had known where my bedroom was. And still further, I knew he was listening, could hear the screams that escaped, the sobs, and knew he enjoyed just those sorts of things. The fact that J wanted this experience both for me and from me gave me significant comfort and a certain amount of strength to continue to obey this stranger who was violating my body and reaching for my mind.

When all was finished, the tears had stopped and the trembling eased, J left me to dress and returned to the living room. When I joined him there, I met Master P. I served them coffee and listened to J compliment my service throughout the week to P. The two men chatted about different things while I came slowly back to the real world. At one point J sat beside me on the couch and pulled me into his arms. He rubbed my back and caressed my hair. They both told me I was beautiful several times during the rest of the evening.

When he left, J asked if I needed him to stay. I was honest and said I didn't "need" it. I would have loved had he stayed, but I was calm and had collected myself sufficiently to sleep peacefully through the rest of the night. P was a gentleman in the living room and solicitous of my well-being.



I slept last night, a little fitfully at first, then deeper. I had strange dreams that I don't remember now. But I am fine. I am unharmed (though a little sore and achy). While I may not have "consented" to the specifics of the evening at the time, I certainly consented to the evening when I told J of my fantasies and gave myself over to him in service. Nothing illegal occurred and I am unharmed and happy.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Tarot Spread

Check out this tarot spread for my current relationship state:

Past: A time of great emotional upheaval and sorrow is at hand. This may be accompanied by quarrels and separations. There may be the bitter end of a relationship with recriminations by both parties. Take time and great care in making decisions. (I recently ended a 3.5 year relationship).

Present: Movement and freedom become possible by letting go of your habitual conditioning and unhealthy relationships. Remember that you are a boundless being. (I've begun stretching my wings in a special relationship...I feel myself letting go of parts of me that have not been healthy for me).

Future:A successful and intense man with dark hair and eyes who has great perception and magickal ability seeks to help and advise you. Make an effort to be open to emotional rewards. (Um, can you describe J any more closely without actually seeing him?)

It's funny, I check a tarot spread like this only rarely. I use the online thing at llewellyn, but use the deck I actually have at home for the computer to use. The spreads I did with T in mind were never this positive. I asked only for insight into my present relationship state and received the messages above.

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[protected post] Changing my relationships

There have been three men in my life for nearly identical amounts of time for whom I often dropped everything in order to be available to them. In the past few weeks, I have changed.

I ended a 3.5 year relationship and have refused to answer the phone when he calls. For 3.5 years, he'd answer when he felt like it, but I was always available regardless of time or what I might be doing.

I've had a friend with benefits for nearly four years. I spent a lot of time waiting for him to be available. Last weekend I texted him a note and he spent the rest of the evening trying to get a response from me (even drove into town to spend the night with me). I was at a movie and was not checking my phone. Today I was unavailable to him again.

I need to shift priorities right now. J is somewhat consuming in his focus and I need to stay focused with him. These men who have depended on me for so long will simply have to learn that I am not going to jump when they call...never again.

[private post] He's a gentleman

J took me to a movie tonight (Hostel...very strange, very Tarantino). We stopped and had coffee first. He was wearing his leathers, something he hasn't done since I met him (except his jacket) and he looked fine...White shirt, art deco tie, leather vest and pants.

He gave me a bit of a start...I'd never been to the particular coffee shop and while I was fixing his coffee, he disappeared. I turned around and he was just gone. He'd gone upstairs and was waiting on the balcony.

We talked a bit, mostly about the business he wants to have up and running by March. Then he casually mentions fucking a girl on a couch across the room from us. Electricity shot up my spine.

He has this intense look he turns on me so often. I don't know what he's thinking when he looks at me that way, but I almost think he's thinking of ways to make me scream and cry.

Funny that I feel comfortable writing down the "vanilla" date (as he called it) but cannot get the image/feeling of his hand wrapped into my hair, dragging me to the bathroom and forcing me to my knees...no idea what he planned, only knowing he would do as he pleased despite my feelings about watersports. The feel of the edge of the sink as I clung to it to keep from falling over. The distress of having no idea where to look. Tears pouring down my face from the belt he'd taken to my ass when I failed to make him come in my mouth quickly enough.

I had a very nice evening with J. I like him as a man and human. He terrifies and excites me at the same time. I know that unlike the men in my past who "threatened" to turn me over to other dominants to use, J will do it and has already begun planning his pleasure. I believe he intends to give me to a young-to-the-lifestyle dominant he is working with and with whom he has discussed me.

And I know there will come a time (and I don't believe it is too far in the future) when he will beat me because he likes to hear me scream and see me cry. And yet I can't wait to call him tomorrow after I finish my office hours.

Please let him be who I believe him to be. Let the persona he's presented be the man he really is. I cannot think any other is the truth, but I've been burned before.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


random thoughts

I'm feeling conflicted about my behavior. I've been here before and it wasn't the end of the world, and yet there's still a part of me that says "good girls" don't fuck on the first date. "Good girls" certainly don't fuck and get beaten on their second dates.

Damnit...why can't I let go of what is good or right? I don't feel guilty or like I've been wronged or really as though I've done anything wrong, but there's that small part of me that feels dirty for enjoying what I enjoy and for engaging in sex outside "normal" relationships.

With J, I've finally gotten past the "ten finger" rule of sexual partners. I'm at 11 in my lifetime. I don't know if that's high, low or somewhere in the middle. I just know that there's at least one on the list whose name I cannot remember and that does bother me.

Rick talked to me today about his fears for me engaging in a relationship with J. I know some of his concerns stem from jealousy (something he admits himself), yet it was good to hear his thoughts. I kept telling him that he needs to talk to me about these concerns because he knows J and is in a different position to view J than I am.

I'm still sorting out my feelings and fears. J is truly a sadist and while I've known sadists, they've always had the fear of hurting me when they touched me. J doesn't have that fear and in fact revels in the thought of hurting me. And at the same time, what I believed would be excruciating was not...was, in fact, far more bearable than I would ever have believed.

J is offering me the chance to be a slave. He's offering me the chance to learn true service. He's offering to make my secret dreams come true. How can I let my fear of pain take that opportunity from me? Especially as I learn that the reality is not as extreme as my fantasies when it comes to pain.

He used his belt on my ass last night...twice. The first strike was absolutely the worst. The second set was bad for a different reason...I disappointed him...I don't know how to be "slutty" and he's pushing me away from my sensual tendencies to get the slut to emerge. I am not specifically resisting the idea, I honestly don't know how to be that way.

He is aroused by my tears...a good thing since I cry as an emotional release within the lifestyle and have from the first time I was ever flogged.

What the hell am I getting myself into? I keep asking myself this and working out the answer. It's important to me to learn what J is offering even if we do not stay together as a couple. Beyond that, I like him. He's intelligent, articulate and interesting. He's also cruel and demanding in a way that makes my heart thump.

We discussed protocol last night and spent extensive time simply defining the term. His ideas are not only well-thought out, but also dynamically and persuasively presented. I like his definitions and agree with his specific protocols.

Friday, January 6, 2006


 Thoughts on regret

"Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

~Victoria Holt

What a wonderful way to look at your life. I've always said that while I may not have always been happy, I don't regret the choices I've made because they have brought me to where I am today.

If I hadn't married a man I didn't love, I wouldn't have moved to where I was able to go back to school. If I hadn't left my family behind and moved four states away, I wouldn't have found the career I love. If I hadn't decided to let go of a marriage that wasn't working, I wouldn't have found the financial and emotional security I have today.

Have I ever said I regretted something? Of course. But the truth of the matter is that I make choices in my life and expect to suffer the consequences of those choices. Knowing I will have to face the truth in the end makes it harder to truly regret anything and easier to accept the experiences my choices have brought me.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006


Thoughts on Fear

"Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.”

~Les Brown

So much of my life is ruled by fear. I'm afraid of failure, so I work harder than I should. I'm afraid of betrayal, so I distance myself from others. I'm afraid to be alone, so I stay in relationships longer than I should.

In the past several months, I've made a lot of changes in my life to remove the power I have given to fear. As I recognize more areas where fear rules me, I will continue to change my life to take that power back.