I don't know what I'll do

I called JD yesterday to arrange to pick up my books.

I had left a message on Monday and he didn't return my call, so I was getting annoyed by the time I left the message on my way into town yesterday. I had resolved that if I didn't hear from him by the time I headed on to base, I'd leave another message that would be less than cordial.

He called while I was in Walmart. Talking to him...hearing his voice was VERY hard. I asked how his family was and then told him I'd only called to arrange to get my books. He was hesitant, but said today would be the best bet. I started crying and told him about being passed over for the full-time position with the college. He was angry FOR me. I hung up and headed out of Walmart, the plan was I would call him when I was done with class on Wednesday.

I didn't make it more that four isles and he called back. He said he didn't want to end our relationship unless I wanted to. He told me he'd spent the weekend trying to come up with a way of explaining that he did care for me, but was afraid. He's afraid to care too deeply because I'm married. He said he understood how I would feel as though he didn't care, as though he treated me like a toy. He said that wasn't what he had intended. He told me he'd even been writing down the things he needed to talk to me about...something I had asked him to do once before and he hadn't...this time he is.

I said I would meet and talk to him today (unless some catasrophe errupts). I made no promises. I want to believe him. I don't want to believe that I trusted a man with my body and soul who lies as well as he would have to for his words yesterday to ring true. And yet I know that some things HAVE to change for me to be happy. I have to feel like a priority and not a convenience. I have to feel as though promises made to me are worth fighting to keep. I have to feel cherished and cared for and not like a dirty secret.

My husband is furious that I'm even considering talking to JD. He doesn't understand or see the parallels between his desire to have me walk away and the fact that so many people have told me the same thing about him. I told him last night that he can't like the fact that I don't give up on people when it applies to him and ask me to abandon it when it comes to someone else.

R threatened that if I decided to take JD back and he hurts me again, he'll go to jail in order to do harm to JD. I don't think it's fair to use that kind of emotional blackmail on anyone. It makes me responsible for two other people's actions.

I don't know what I'm going to do.