I've been having the oddest dreams lately. For example, this morning I dreamed I was showing someone who seriously doubted me, my ability to play golf.

The easiest interpretation of the dream is that if I continue to do what I know is right and do it well, those who doubt me will have to see that I am competent. It's frustrating to know I am capable of doing things while being doubted becase someone simply doesn't like or trust me.

This dream likely stems from an exchange on an email list with someone this week. This person put out bad information (telling people they could attend a party on Friday when the party wasn't until Saturday). I corrected the information nicely, pointing out that the place in question didn't have parties on Fridays except when those parties were hosted by the leather group. I get back a snotty "thanks for correcting an error I never made." and the person continued to put out the bad info. I corrected the info again, posting a blurb from the website of the place.

When the person got an angry phone call from their owner, they had supposedly sent a "retraction" of the bad information. It's now two days later and that retraction is nowhere to be seen.

The whole reason this person continued to fight me about the information is that they don't like me. They've been nasty and insulting to me for months and since the change in relationship between me and their owner, I finally banned this person from my home, deciding that I no longer needed to put up with someone whose friencds feel it is necessary to aplogize for them having to be in my home.

I guess this whole incident, piled up with other things this person has screwed up this week that I'm now having to deal with the aftermath of, bothered me more than I was initially willing to admit.

The person keeps skirting sending information to me, despite knowing that sending it to their owner will not accomplish what needs to be done.

Screw it...I have work to do today. I just need to let it go.

So T calls today to tell me that he's leaving at 3 am to go to Peru...good news and bad really...good that it's Peru and not the desert, bad that it's so sudden. It's only two weeks and he's on a medical detail with some General...but I worry anyway.

Texas is cool and i'm learning a lot about leather and toy making...J is gonna love the toy A and I put together for him today...it's simple and seriously evil.

One more day here...crack of dawn flight Sunday...9 fold path presentation Sunday afternoon...Out to the farm for a good long ride with Charlie on Monday. It will be good to be home.

I had an epiphany

Sep. 17th, 2006 at 8:16 AM

a few days ago and due to the activities we've been engaged in for the past week, I didn't have a chance to write it down.

It dawned on me (have I mentioned I can be a little slow?) that I was focusing on the parts of my relationship which didn't work and making them worse by doing so rather than nurturing the parts of the relationship which nurtured me.

I admit that I don't always make the best relationship decisions. However, there were things about J which attracted me to him from the moment we met. I'd shoved those things aside recently and that was a bad idea.

J is a good man with a good heart who can be hurt easily because of that good heart. I stomped on him and then wondered why he backed away. I've been working very hard to remedy what I've done and to make sure he knows how much he means to me.

Hard realities about me

Sep. 10th, 2006 at 8:39 AM

I'm learning that I'm really not a very nice person. Now I say that but I don't want anyone to think that learning this is a bad thing. It is quite the opposite.

Sometimes we go through life with a single-mindedness that blocks everything else out. When someone helps you lift your head (out of your ass most times) the result can be painful but worthwhile.

I've done and said some really horrific things recently which I regret immensely. I realize that my own self-focused depression and resentment and anger have been destructive and damaging not only to me but to the people around me. For that I apologize wholeheartedly and hope that with time those I've hurt will come to forgive me.

I've made changes in my thought processes (which are not yet complete but are at least at the conscious level that I can stop myself from continuing the same destructive behavior and thought patterns). I'm finding peace again and trying very hard to remember to say simple things like "Thank you" to those who are most important in my life.

I'm not "cured" by any stretch of the imagination. I still have to fight to put away the initial surges of resentment that come from certain situations. I have to learn to speak up for what I want and need and face being rejected rather than remaining silent in order to not be told no.

I don't like to make excuses for my behaviors so often I just don't say things that might be construed as excuses. That doesn't mean that the reasoning behind my behavior is not "valid" in the sense that we are creatures of habit. Even bad habits are hard to break because we create pathways of comfort in our minds...even when that comfort is cold and ugly.


Little girls choose their men based on their fathers...at least that is what many of the psychologist and psychobabble nitwits want us to think...I think, to an extent, it is true. I choose men who are, for whatever reason (and this is not an acusation or disparaging remark about these men) emotionally unavailable. I choose men who often accept me and what I give to relationships and then choose to go to others for more. This is a pattern for me that has been this way since my first boyfriend when I was 14. But really it started with my father. He is and has always been distant, passive agressive, and absent. He waited until I was "old enough to handle it" (his words) and then decided he no longer needed to be civil to my mother (they'd been divorced for 5 years at that point) and essentially left me for his new wife (stopped summer visitations, shortened weekend visitations, made no time for just me and him). I see that pattern of behavior in nearly every relationship I've ever had with a man. And I'm finally realizing it is me who has the skewed vision of what relationships should and can be.

I don't speak up because when I asked my father why I couldn't spend more time with him, I was told it would make someone else feel bad.
I don't reach out for physical contact with men because when I did reach for my father's hand, I got the stiff armed, keep me at a distance body language.

And it wasn't just my father who taught me to stay silent, to subjugate my desires in favor of other, to keep my distance. Other relationshps have contributed.


The point now is to stop doing all these things. To trust that J is as I believed he was when I met him...a man of integrity and strength. To remember that dominant or no, owner or no, man or no...he is HUMAN first and the things which happen in his life affect how he feels, and how he reacts to others, including me. And to remember that I'm human too. I make mistakes but I can make changes to avoid making those same mistakes again and again.

The most destructive emotion

Aug. 31st, 2006 at 8:56 AM

is not love or hate, it is hope.

Think about it. How many times has hope been the reason a man or a woman stayed in an abusive relationship? How many times has hope been the reason a couple stays together long after they don't love each other anymore? And how many times has an s-type hitched themselves to an unsuitable (for them) d-type because of hope?

I find myself at a cross roads and wondering how much of what is going through my head is a result of hope. I hope I can find a way to be happy. I hope he can find a way to forgive me. Sometimes I don't even know what I hope.

Assumptions

Aug. 23rd, 2006 at 9:23 AM

Kinda stolen fromarchers_elegant
When I tell people I'm tired, they always assume I'm upset.
When I tell people I'm venting, they always assume I need them to take what I'm getting rid of seriously.
When I tell people I'm okay with poly relationships, they always assume I am lying.
When I tell people I'm fine, they always assume J upset me in some way.
When I tell people I'm just quiet, they always assume I'm cold and/or indifferent.


Assumptions are strange things. I know that people who meet me only in highly structured situations like big leather events where J is also in attendance assume that I'm either cold or upset when the truth is that I am 1) shy around new people and big crowds and 2) really very busy trying to balance both my obligations and J's. Add to those two things the fact that our schedule is usually such that I get very little sleep leading up to and during any leather event and I look and feel exhausted in addition to being intimidated by the crowds and "big name" people I spend my days around at such events.

It bothers me that so many people look at me and think J has done some horrible thing to make me sad. Truth be know, sure he can be a jerk, but more often than not my demeanor is a result of being painfully shy, uncomfortable around people I don't know (especially since the leather community seems to be such a "toucy-feely-huggy" group and I don't particularly like being touched by people I don't know...I used to cry when the man measured my feet for new shoes for heaven's sake) and being just flat out exhausted.

For those of you I will see at World...please understand that right now my house is a disaster area because we're desperately trying to get enough products completed to make a decent showing as a vendor. I have half the number of whips I wanted to take with me because I've sold so many since I got back from the M/s conference. I still haven't packed. I still have laundry to do. I still have to come in to work tomorrow before we leave. I'm a little more than stressed and that stress is going to triple when I get to Philly where I'm responsible for the vending, keeping J on schedule, helping the other J and J understand our book-keeping and credit card software, being personable as a gold sponsor...etc. etc. etc. If I look harried or tired, I am but it's not anyone's fault.

Back to WW

Aug. 18th, 2006 at 8:51 AM

Ok, so after the "You need to start your diet again" comment from J I went through about two weeks of defensive eating. It's a thing I know I do and have done since child hood where I eat what I know is awful as a "fuck you" to whomever said I was fat.

Then I kicked myself in the head. NO ONE is worth me getting sick again, getting fatter again.

So I'm back on WW and i've lost 3 lbs already this week (WW was nearly effortless weight loss for me when I was compulsive about counting points and getting to the gym...exactly what i've been doing all week).

Then J decides to do stupid things like...I politely decline his offer of a piece of candy and I get "I didn't ask if you wanted it, I told you to have it." So I tear off a piece and choke it down...We're walking to McD's yesterday (long story...all day at a place) and he says "So you want some double cheeseburgers, right?" I say, no thank you and I get, "What, you're not hungry?" No, I'm hungry but I don't intend to eat cheesburgers.

I will make this happen. Despite and in spite of him and his sabbotage.

I've been feeling resentful and angry for a while. J sleeps all day and fucks around on the computer when he's awake, leaving me to worry about getting things done for world in addition to the daily grind of incessently cleaning up after him (he refuses to throw anything away, just leaves piles of crap for me to pick up), cook, clean etc.

Last evening he decides finally to go to Lowes to scope out display options for vending. In the car he starts talking to me about the man who killed himself. We get to lowes and as we're walking up to the store i see activity that looks like the store is on the verge of closing. I phased out on half a sentence and asked him to repeat it. He refused and then chose to not speak to me again while we were in lowes, in the car, in the ice cream shop (because I'd mentioned in the house that Coldstone made something he'd like and while I didn't want ice cream I thought he would) and until about 20 minutes after we got home when he finally asked what was wrong with me.

If he'd never made me repeat myself because whatever he saw on his fucking computer screen was so much more important than what I could possibly be saying to him, I could understand getting annoyed that I missed half a sentence.

So I tell him I'm tired of being shut out. That because I lost half a sentence he decided not to talk to me anymore. I get "It's not the easiest topic for me to talk about and I was ready to quit talking about it then." He didn't really speak to me the rest of the night.

The dog is sleeping between us on the couch. He starts playing with him and then says, "Go get mommy. Mommy needs love." I sure as fuck do and I most certainly didn't want or need it from the fucking dog right then.

I spent about half an hour crying in the bathroom...even ran a bath and soaked in the hot water while I cried. I come out and sit at my computer and he gets up, rifles through the box of metal restraints that arrived earlier that day.

"It's been a while since you felt like a slave, hasn't it" is all he says before putting handcuffs on me and a heavy stainless steel color. Then he walks away, sits down with his computer again and says "go about your business."

Well, if being uncomfortable and having even the smallest thing be an inconvenience (ever attempt to type with handcuffs on? I was taking an order from a friend online) is what it feels like to be a slave, then, no, it hasn't been very long since I last felt that way. I feel that way every fucking day.

I finally give up on the computer when the order is complete and the friend signs off. I go and sit on the couch. After a phone call, I get "rub my feel" a lovely thing to try to do with handcuffs on. Since that seems to be the only human contact I have with him anymore, I do it. The foot rub abruptly stops the moment fucking kathryn signs on because I have to get up to "check my mail" for registrations for nc edge. The result of her "passing out flyiers and having about 30 people say they were going to sign up after a party she went to"? Not a fucking one...still none this morning as a matter of fact. Something I could have told him without having to get up. By the time I give him the "tally" he's curled his feet up and is engrossed with chatting with kathryn on the computer. I'm relegated back to my space on the other end of the couch.

After I doze off a couple times on the couch he sends me to bed...with the cuffs and collar on. I lay there for an hour until my hands have fallen asleep but I haven't and go back to the living room to ask that he please take the cuffs off. He argues with me until he feels my hands and how cold they are. Then it's back to bed where I lay for another half hour before I finally give up, get up and take a sleeping pill.

I don't know what his purpose for this exercise was. But if it was to make me feel even more isolated and distant, it worked wonders. If it was to once again point out that I am nothing more than a convenience and toy, it was highly successful.

The Ultimate in Selfish

Aug. 11th, 2006 at 8:44 AM

A man I knew briefly killed himself yesterday. His slave called us at just after 9 to get the number for another person she wanted to notify.

This isn't the first person I've known who has decided to kill themselves. I'm sadly sure it won't be the last. The difference this time is how angry I am at how selfish this man was.

This man called himself a master. He owned a slave, a woman who obviously loved him very much. He was organizing a fund raiser for a local (to him) community leader dying of cancer. He had responsibilities and committments both personal and professional and rather than face them or ask for help, he took the coward's way out. This may not be a popular view of this tragedy but it is how I feel right now.
Groups:bitchlist
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Oh for Christ's Sake, Shut The Fuck Up Already

Aug. 11th, 2006 at 8:53 AM

kathryntact has posted this long-winded whine about how many fucking pills she has to take. You know what? If she'd have been taking her meds the way she's supposed to for the past year rather than just taking what she wanted when she felt like it, she wouldn't be where she is right now.

I stopped feeling sorry for her when she said she was in pain when I realized that had she been taking her meds as prescribed she wouldn't be feeling that way.

What is it that makes people think it's ok to self-medicate? Do they think the instructions from the doctor are just suggestions? And then to whine and complain that they don't feel well when they don't take their meds the right way is just fucking obnoxious.

I pray to god J doesn't decide to feel bad for her and invite her back to my house again this weekend (or worse, drop everything to drive three hours to her house, leaving behind everything that still needs to be done before we leave for world). Last weekend was plenty, thank you very much. If your friends say they're sorry you have to be at my house because of what you've said to them about me, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T FUCKING COME BACK.

Do I like her? No. Am I civil? Yes. Have I reached the point where it would be best if she was simply no where around me? FUCK YES.

And I mentioned to J yesterday that she's been a twit to Judi too. Judi sent these gorgeous floggers to J. J mentioned that the fire whips he wanted would have been much cheaper. I told J that kathryn freaked the fuck out on Judi when she though Judi might buy those whips for J. Kathryn has yet to give J anything for his birthday, btw.

Can you tell I've reached the end of my rope with this supreme twit?
Groups:bitchlist

Aug. 4th, 2006

12:57 PM

Funny thought for the day...how would it feel to have someone to take out my agression on? What would it be like to stand someone in front of my bull whip and throw it with the intent to hit them rather than just cracking it in the back yard?

I'm feeling very agressive and restless today. I'm angry and have yet to find a good way to vent it.

Sitting in my office with little to keep me occupied isn't helping. Neither did my trip to the house during lunch.

Feeling left out...

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 8:54 AM

Lately I've been feeling very isolated. After my melt-down at July 4th only Vi has been normal toward me again. I've gotten the feeling that somewhere along the way I got blamed for making Victoria upset and making things worse than they were despite me only answering the questions Victoria asked me.

Now with Jarrett's birthday passing without a card or gift from either Kathryn or Victoria, I have this sneaking suspicion that there have been plans made to acknowledge his birthday in some big way but that I have been excluded from the planning and likely from the plans as well. I hate feeling this way.
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Bratty behavior

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 9:15 AM

So I'm reading this thread in collarme's message boards about bratty behavior and I find myself thinking these ugly, nasty, deragatory and catty thoughts.

From the moment I met her, K has behaved in an escalating bratty way. The incidents and specifics of her bratty behavior have increased in frequency and severity in the last seven months. Her current favorite thing to shout at J when he tells her to do something is a toss up between "Release!" and "I'm not a slave." What I don't get and have never understood is why J puts up with this from her. Were I to behave as she does, he'd knock me into next week. I get the disappointed look if something on the enormous list of responsibilities I have isn't done perfectly. She can run around (literally) acting like a complete fool and he "rewards" her by "punishing" her. I quote these terms because what she wants is attention and doesn't seem to care in what form it is given. Hence his punishments are rewards. I don't care how much she cries or yells or pleads for him to stop the punishment...five minutes later she's up and acting stupid again and bragging about whatever it is he's done to punish her.

I've tried talking to J about how it makes me feel to know that he expects nothing of her, allows this behavior from her and even encourages it by rewarding her with attention when she acts out. Either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. I don't think either of them really give a shit about how their relationship affects anyone else. I'm sure they don't care how I feel being the one who has to work so hard to keep things going forward while they play and have fun.
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Motivation for Bratty Behavior

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 9:25 AM

I don't get it...never have. Why behave in any manner other than with dignity and decorum? Why choose to be deliberately bratty...to deliberately disobey...to deliberately flout the authority you claim to crave?

And on the other side...why accept such behavior from someone who has said to you, "I want to be under your authority"?
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Aug. 2nd, 2006

11:26 AM

Just my pals:
Sir Winston Churchill
Posted in [info]qotdrss on 2006.08.02 at 12:29

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Sir_Winston_Churchill
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

Wow...i've certainly felt this way LOL.
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Things I Hate

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 11:40 AM

Things I hate:

Being the only one in the room working (when others claim to serve the one I serve and are present).
Being told to clean up the play space after Sir plays with someone else.
Being ignored.
Being told not to be invisible then being ignored.
Being responsible for someone else's refusal to take personal responsibility.
Being forced to witness the constant attention-seeking behavior of another knowing that should I behave in that manner I would be severely punished.
Being responsible for footing the bill for things, having someone tell me they think it's wrong that I do so, but then having the same person take money from me in the form of accepting gifts/services/gas from a third person knowing full well that the money comes from me.

Basically this all breaks down to this...I hate the inequality inherent in power exchange relationships which involve more than two people.

And YES, I'm feeling a little bitchy today...blame it on a lack of sleep and an enormous pile of work waiting for me at the house.

11:36 AM

Just my pals:
Robert Frost
Posted in [info]qotdrss on 2006.07.26 at 12:50

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Robert_Frost
"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them."

How appropriate! I was just thinking something along these lines today as the following situation unfolded:

Person 1: I miss you and you never spend time with me.
Person 2: I have a lot of work that has to be done on a deadline. I will have to keep things brief and would be better if not until after deadline.
Person 1: Cry, wheedle, whine
Person 2: Fine, I'll drop everything and drive 3 hours to see you despite my work and the deadline.

Person 1 feels no guilt because of course person 3 is at home and will of course make certain said deadline is met. Person 1 would never consider putting their happy ass in a car and driving to Person 2 to help because well, Person 1 knows Person 2 has absolutely no expectations of them and therefore never has to actually work.

End catty, bitchy thought of the day.

Well, I had a wonderful time at the M/s conference. I finally got to meet someone a friend has been telling me stories about for years and he was just as wonderful as said friend told me he would be! Woof!

I have to admit the weekend was a little strange. Wandering around without a lot of rush and responsibility was odd. Several times my heart kinda stopped as I suddenly wondered where I was supposed to be and where J was...then I remembered...no responsiiblities...no Sir to look after...free to wander without a schedule...so I'd go and make sure Miss V was drinking water and had eaten something more substantial than a cup of coffee LOL.

I schmoozed and met lots of really nice folks. Some poor vanilla old lady in the bar (I was waiting for Miss V's lunch to be ready) wanted to take a picture of my bag which said "Ask me about $80 whips! TheWhipChick.com" I thought it was cute so of course I said "Sure, feel free" and she did...with her little kodak disposable LOL. I wasn't purposely scaring the 'nillas! Honest!

As usual neither Master Scott nor slavette would deign to acknowledge that they've ever met me before...for crying out loud, I've made sure to say hello at every event I see them at. I've been in their home. I contributed items to their title year travel fund fundraisers. But they don't know me and barely deign to nod regally in my direction when I say hello.

The Crucible was interesting. There were fewer people there than I had expected there to be. But it was interesting to watch what was going on and chat with people and throw whips in a space that large. I did sell one whip while I was there...in between teaching folks to throw and dodging the strange little man who took it upon himself to follow us around and tell us the history of the DC scene :).

In all, I got a chance to relax. I got to hang out with a good friend. I got to see Miss V in all her glory with her library (to which I will be making art contributions). I got to meet new folks, see folks I know, and have fun. It was a good weekend all around.

No I just need to get ready for Ms/Mr World....sigh...

What goes through my mind...

Jul. 5th, 2006 at 10:29 AM

A lot of things have been rolling around in my brain lately. A lot of those things make me cry and/or make me sad and leave me wondering what I'll do next.

I didn't want to fall in love. I fought it for as long as I could because I didn't want the pain again. Every time I've opened my heart and sould I've been hurt so I tried to separate myself, divide myself...servant and woman...two different things. But love was demanded nearly as much as obedience and so I trusted and I loved. And now I cry, again...

I used the dreaded "f" word several times recently...It isn't fair...I was shown that what I'd dreamed of, what I'd thought could only exist in fantasy was possible...that I could live as a slave and be happy doing it...nothing less than that will ever be enough again and I can hate hinm for showing me that and taking it away.

I guess I really don't know how to hold back any part of myself. I really am a kind of all or nothing person.

I keep wondering if I'm the only sucker in the mess. If everyone but me knew my life, position, and relationship had changed...and everyone else was just waiting for me to wake up and realize it.

And I can't seem to shake that last ugly question...what the hell is wrong with me that what I offer (despite being everything I am and have to give) is never enough?

This weekend's revelations have left me in a place I find unclear and deeply sad. I don't know what to do now.

I figure my options really are these:
Go on as we have been, giving my service without having certain physical and emotional needs met, until my spirit is broken enough for me to just let go.
Find ways to get those physical and emotional needs met outside my primary relationship and continue to serve him.
End it and go back to my solitary existance while I search for someone else who will likely take my service but find some reason why I would not be enough to fulfill his needs and therefore put me in the same position I am in now.
I was thinking yesterday that maybe if he'd be willing to be a little more affectionate, be willing to let me find a lover from time to time I could do this by not going with him when he visited with Lady V, but each time I thought this the rational part of me who isn't aching because my heart is broken says, "but that's just temporary...what are you going to do when he marries her?"

I don't want to end up living in someone else's basement, used for the service I provide and forgotten when service isn't needed.

The worst of all this is the emotional lie I've lived. I didn't make this relationship what it is to me without his input. At some point he chose to change the relationship and didn't tell me. I felt the emotional distance and I asked about it but I was assured that everything was fine...but then he stopped being affectionate. He stopped touching me, just kind of wandered off.

He kept asking me, "Are you okay with my relationship with Lady V." as though he'd given me enough information about that relationship to know whether I was okay or not. I remember sitting on the couch before he left for Lady V's birthday and he "slipped" and said he'd fallen head over heels for her. My heart broke in front of him and he immediately stammered...I didn't mean it THAT way.

I should have known...should have done something when I overheard him say something about marrying Lady V on the phone to someone. It isn't even that I want to marry him...I really don't think I'll ever marry again...but to know his heart was that far gone from me...that I'd never have what I believed our relationship to be from the beginning...

I know, too, that none of this is Lady V. It could have been anyone and I'd be just as devistated. I guess that as much as service means to me...being "just a slave" isnt' going to work for me. I want, need and deserve to be loved...not just appreciated.

I keep fighting that ugly question...what is wrong with me that the men I choose find me lacking after only a short time...that they feel compelled to go outside the relationship to find things without talking to me and finding out whether or not I can offer the same or similar things.

I actually understand his need to be with other dominants and understand the attraction of a dominant woman. And had he not removed the physical and emotional ties to me when he formed them with Lady V, this issue would be moot.

I'm not even angry right now...just indescribably sad. I keep trying to untangle my life from him and keep finding new ways I can't. My heart can't take him living in this house but I can't throw him out either. What would happen with NC Edge (I have all the money...I'd never keep it). What about the businesses? What about the order we need to send out?

In the car on the way home yesterday he offered to help me find another master. I think that was the saddest thing I've heard him say. He'd "help" this new master with skills, etc...take him under his wing...as though that would make it better that it wasn't him.

It would be so much easier to hate him. To be a bitch and throw him out of my house and my life and let him find his own way. But I can't do that. At the same time each time I look across the room and see him I want to cry. I can't live like that.

So i've come full circle. I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to do it right

Jul. 2nd, 2006 at 4:32 AM

I don't know how to separate my service and my emotions. I don't know how to find enough in service to be whole without having my emotional and even physical needs met. And right now I don't know how to stop crying.

I've cried nearly all day. And when I wasn't crying, I was trying not to cry because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to ruin anyone else's weekend. I don't want my pain to be anyone else's problem.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep because when I lay down all I can think about is being alone in this basement...the only person in the house sleeping alone because everyone else here is with someone who loves them.

I just want to go home. I want to get in the car and drive right now...leave everything that hurts here and start over again. Take the "I told you so's" from my mother and my friends and start all over again.

I can't do this. I really believed I could. I like these women so much but I deserve to be loved not just appreciated for what I can do. I DESERVE THAT...i deserve that...i deserve that.

Feel it coming on

Jun. 23rd, 2006 at 2:31 PM

Ok, so since I was 14, I periodically get these dreams that are mundanely prophetic and make me sick to my stomach (as I get the flashes that are later revealed to be true).

I feel one coming on...I've had these images at the edges of my ability to bring them into focus for a couple of days now.

I had a flying dream a few days ago...the first in a VERY long time (my flying is always either a defense...to get away from something...or a joyful expression of something I can do...this one was joyful, I even woke up smiling). The prophetic dreams often come after a batch of flying dreams and always include flying in them.

Actually the prophetic dream is always the same dream. Rooms full of people excaping from some disaster. Mattresses on the floor. Weird snatches of music and me flying everywhere I can.

The images at the edge of my consciousness are kind of getting on my nerves. They sit there and tease me while I'm plaiting whips. There's enough there that I can tell I'd like to know what the full image is.

I'm not looking forward to the full hit of the dream if or when it comes. Three days of getting nauseous every time my brain digs up that weird snatch of music from the dream.

I've learned to stop fighting the sensations and let them roll whenever I can. That tends to get the dream gone much faster than when I fight them. The longest one ever lasted was about a week. I fought that one every time the sickness came and I regretted it later.

If it's coming, it's coming. I'll deal with it when it gets here and hope to gain some good insight. The last one I had showed me J.

Just when you think you're ok...

Jun. 17th, 2006 at 12:20 AM

ya have a crying jag for no apparent reason.

I was having a really good day. The beach was nice. The friends were great. The voicemail from J was kinda sweet. All good things.

Then I get home, get some odd vibes and feel like crying for no particularly good reason. Then after jerking me out of a sound sleep, I'm trying to get the darn cable box remote to work and getting frustrated and I get sent to bed. I had absolutely no idea what I'd done wrong other than argue with the one remote in the house that refuses to work right regardless of what I do to it.

For some reason, J thought I was acting "put out" about trying to bring up an on-demand movie.

Now I still feel weepy and really don't know why. I know part of it is sheer exhaustion. Part of it is utter frustration. I left a list of things that needed to be done with the leather work because I can't do them and I can't do anything else with the leather stuff until they're done. NONE of them got done today. I was gone (for the first time since I met J really, I left for a day with my friends) from 7:30 am to about 7 pm. Everything is still in the box in the living room and as far as I can tell he may have punched maybe 5 holes in ONE of the handle covers.

I really do work my tail off on a regular basis. Yesterday he tells me he wants a wholesale catalog right away. Then he wants a whole separate wholesale shopping cart because it would simply be too easy for the wholesale prices to be a set percentage of retail so I could have only one cart with wholesale customers who get that discount automatically. Every time I mention how much more work his idea is, I get the big sigh, the closed eyes and the evil glare that says "do it my way anyway." Fine, but then don't expect a miracle and that I'll have all that sort of stuff AND the leather work AND the North Carolina Edge website done in a 24 hour period.

I know I'm just bitching right now. I've been exhausted since SELF and have not yet recovered. He keeps springing new plans on me with no warning (like now I find out at midnight that his children are coming over tomorrow...the house is a wreck...the garbage he promised to take out is still sitting next to the front door) and wondering why I'm completely off balance, weepy and frustrated.
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I have presents for folks!

Jun. 17th, 2006 at 12:21 PM

At the beach yesterday, I bought presents for:
victoriakg
lthrlibrarian
kathryntact
and
mr_baskerville

Now I just need those folks to let me know how to get the gifts to them...especially mr_baskerville since the gift is a birthday present :).
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Well, It's official...

Jun. 17th, 2006 at 1:18 PM

The pill box that I had on Friday night in the hotel room and could not find Saturday morning DID simply disappear. I have finally unpacked all the suitcases and put the clothes away. The pill box was NOT in any of the luggage.

*sigh* I'd really love to know how a box I had on Friday (I know I did because I gave J pills out of it) walked away between 2 am and 7 am. I'm 90% convinced the ditz either deliberately or accidentally absconded with it. K and I tore the room apart...the only luggage I didn't dump out in the room was the ditz's.

Ultimately all I lost was 4 days worth of anti-inflamatory and about 15 pain pills...suffered the entire weekend because I didn't have those and am still recovering with painful hands because the anti-inflamatory is a cummulative effect.

GRRRR....at least I know I'm not nutso and the darn box wasn't just hiding in the bottom of a suitcase.

I've gotten some amazing compliments over the last several days and weeks but ya know what..they scare me just a tiny bit.

I am NOT perfect and I cringe whenever someone intimates that I might be. And being held up and compared to those I admire and wish to emulate is both flattering and frightening.

It's all for the good though...as much as compliments might make me uncomfortable they do help me see that what I do is well-received.
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Older thoughts

Jun. 14th, 2006 at 5:07 PM

I'm rolling through my journal's past entries and came across this: http://shareinnc.livejournal.com/3407.html

It's funny that I had similar thoughts about my life then as I do now. Thank goodness J believes in coffee time (although honestly he's never been one to tell me no when it came to needing to talk to him). I cannot imagine an M/s relationship in which either party believed one party should have no need for clear communication about needs, wants and desires. The need for communication is apparent in all relationships. What is done with that communication may vary from a vanilla relationship in an M/s relationship.
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Another Older Thought

Jun. 14th, 2006 at 5:15 PM

http://shareinnc.livejournal.com/4306.html
This one touches a subject near and dear to my heart. I am a firm believer in education as a whole and have thrived in my current relationship because J demands that I learn new things.

Right now I'm plaiting whips...why? Because I thought it would be interesting to learn and J wanted to be able to sell whips.

Funny thing about the whip plaiting...J told me in Atlanta that he hadn't really believed I'd learn because so often in the past people had said they were going to learn something and then never did. I've never been one to do that. If I want to learn something I am often rather dogged about acquiring that skill until I get it. The whips are the same thing.

The weekend at SELF was absolutely fantastic. The event itself is kind of a blur, but my emotional response to the weekend as a whole is not.

I was GREAT! I was funny. I was personable. I was approachable. I was THERE. There was no hiding, no making myself invisible or stepping out of the way for folks and so there was no time when I disconnected from J and therefore I was comfortable and safe.

This is huge for me. The absolute refusal to step aside (despite at least one somewhat pushy person who would have loved for me to behave in the manner I did when I last saw them) made the entire difference between the emotional wreck I was after Phoenix and how I feel this morning.

J helped so much. I know he was feeling pulled in so many directions all weekend and yet there were enough times when I looked across a room and saw him to find him seeking me too that I didn't for one second feel disconnected.

Lady V is fantabulous! I knew that before this weekend, but being able to spend the kind of time with her that we did this weekend cemented that particular opinion and chased off any last demons attached to the fear that has been fading in me since the week after Labor Day.

Fear of the unknown can always wreck my emotional state. There isn't an unknown anymore. Lady V is a wonderful and caring woman I would be proud to call family. When Miss V toasted to blended families a little voice in me said, "Yep. I can be happy with that for sure."

I met so many great people this weekend. Master C won the contest and we got to help (and scream ourselves hoarse from the audience when he and J and Lady V were all on stage...so HOT). Master C's family is wonderful and I hope we get to see them again at Ms. World.

In all, being somewhat of a social butterfly, probably for the first time in my life, was really a lot of fun. I met people. I made them laugh. Although I still had people ask me if I was "ok." I have no idea why...for heaven's sake, there was an enormous smile on my face 99% of the weekend. The other 1%, I was sleeping LOL.

I'll write more when we get home. Just wanted to say how fabulous the weekend was.

Mulling things over

Jun. 7th, 2006 at 9:16 AM

I have gotten some substantial comments from the post I made on Monday night and I first wanted to let folks know that I'm not ignoring anyone. I truly appreciate the feedback...it's just taking some time to process it.

The post from Monday was pretty free-form and was really the first I've written about the highly emotional things which began in Phoenix. There are still a few things too tender for me to write about yet...a little distance makes things much more manageable when they're that big.

Also, that post got stopped (I was writing while students worked on an in-class assignment) before it was truly done.

Some things I'm working on and with:

1. Standing up and saying I need something and facing the fear that I'll be told no or what I want isn't important.
Fear is my worst enemy and I know that. Truthfully after APEX and the weekend after that, J and I had a long talk (part of which is the stuff above I'm just not ready to write about). One of the things we talked about and subsequent behavior has shown he heard was that little reassurances make an enormous difference to my state of mind. Knowing he heard and has incorporated what he heard into things makes it much easier for me to ask for things now than it was previously.
2. Accepting and believing in the value placed on my service.
Sometimes I let myself get overwhelmed or over-utilized. J has told me over and over how much he values me and my service. I need to believe him. I also need to believe him when he tells me that it's okay to let him know when I have too much on my plate.
3. Learning to stop isolating myself.
This is something which has come up a few times between me and J. Yes, good service is often invisible, but I need to stop making myself invisible. I need to trust my station and position and stand up for it rather than always stepping back and away.
4. Reminding myself of what others have told me previously and most recently in relation to Monday's post...It is my responsibility to give J my thoughts, feelings, etc. so he can decide what to do with or about them.
This one is so hard for me to let go of. I have spent so much of my life weighing what I need against the needs of others and short changing my own needs because they weren't "important" enough. I know I need to give J the right to say yes or no to me and that by not sharing things with him I am robbing him of that right. I know that...really...R beat that into my head a few months ago and I got it again yesterday (thank you so much, btw...still processing that entire email which has now been forwarded).

Ultimately I guess I need to say this: I'm generally very happy where I am. I have the normal, everyday frustrations which come with any relationship which are sometimes compounded by the power exchange and sometimes lifted by it. Other than that...I'm just figuring stuff out as it comes along and since this relationship is so unlike any other I've ever shared with anyone, surprises smack me from time to time. The way I felt in Phoenix was one of those times.

Thanks again for the feedback. I'm going now to work on some stuff and those who sent feedback will hear from me :).

Random Thoughts

Jun. 5th, 2006 at 8:25 AM

It's been a good weekend. Got lots done (though the whip plaiting is ticking me off...I don't have the right number of plaits for the outer plaiting so it looks funny), spent quality time with J and generally feel pretty balanced.

I need to squeeze time into my schedule to go to the gym again. My body feels sluggish and my weight is beginning to creep up. I refuse to let that happen. I just need to talk to J and explain how important those couple of hours a day are to me and my health.

Headed to the leather store today to order the dies to have floggers cut out by machine. That will make our lives so much easier. Also going to have laces cut for the pineapple knots and the underlayment for those knots.

Well, gotta go wake him up and get us going...he's snoozing in the shower.

Need to pick up the cleaning, get the laundry going and start packing...we leave for SELF at the crack of dawn Friday.

Gotta Love Epiphanies!

Jun. 3rd, 2006 at 8:48 PM

It's interesting how often seeing something from another's point of view can clarify something in your own thought process.

I adore throwing whips. I don't throw them at people or targets, but the act of moving the muscles to build the energy to generate the crack is something that is so wonderful I have trouble expressing it. Because I know I will likely never use a whip the way they are often used in the lifestyle, I get self-conscious about throwing them. Why should I 'waste time" working with something that I won't use as it was intended...that's what I often think when I pick up a whip and work with it.

But reading something in another journal made me realize something. Throwing a whip is manipulaing energy...something I have done actively since I was 8 years old. While I'm not big on the combination of BDSM and Spirituality, the manipulation of energy to create situations in which what one wills is done is something I do understand very well. The whip itself isn't necessarily something spiritual to me, but the movement, the generation of and the focus of energy definitely is spiritual.

Now I can look at a whip and realize that there IS a purpose to my throwing it, even if it isn't necessarily the one those around me see. It is proof to my soul that the energy it thrives on is found in even the strangest places and that the manipulation of that energy to create my desired outcome (even as simple as a crack using my left hand) is an exercise in feeding my soul.

Thank you Ma'am...without even knowing, you really have helped me.

Interesting Thought

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:49 AM

This just came through the Leather Thought for the Day thingie:
Any punishment that does not correct, that can merely rouse rebellion in whoever has to endure it, is a piece of gratuitous infamy which makes those who impose it more guilty in the eyes of humanity, good sense and reason, nay a hundred times more guilty than the victim on whom the punishment is inflicted.

- Marquis Donatien Alphonse François de Sade

I wonder how this applies to punishment for the sake of the amusement of the dominant?

Just stuff

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:45 AM

Found this cool tool for posting to the LJ, so I figured I'd try it out.

Well, I started working on the skill-set building idea I had in Phoenix. I've completed two of the tasks in the first skill-set and I put them up on the "training" area I set up at DOM-Videos. Feel free to check it out HERE.
You'll need to create an account if you want to participate, but it's free and I promise not to spam you.

We should be getting samples of the nylon whips in the mail today. I'm hoping they're great so we can take them to TMG tomorrow to take orders for them. I'd love to have them mostly sold before we even get them in.

I'm also hoping the mail gods have smiled on us and the stock whips from Australia get here before TMG tomorrow. I'm praying they work as fabulously as they look. The photo the whip plaiter sent made them look gorgeous. Now, if they crack and move like a larger whip would, they're gonna make us a ton of money! If not, we're screwed. Such is the nature of business I suppose.

I have emotional things to write about too, but I don't think I'm quite ready to work with them yet. I need a little more distance before writing these things will be productive rather than counter-productive. Suffice to say that as of right now I'm happy and comfortable with my station and I'm finding ways to stay that way.

Feeling super bitchy today

Apr. 22nd, 2006 at 11:28 AM

Last night we went to the Gathering. It was basically the same scenario as every other time K is around.

I was already having a bad day...taking too much to heart small corrections and criticisms throughout the day...so I was in no mood for the attention-seeking SAM behavior in the first place.

When every other word out of J's mouth is K, I find myself cringing and finding ways to become invisible. Watching him "reward" her bratty behavior makes me want to smack them both. It doesn't matter if he makes her cry by sticking a needle in her breast for having broken the "no profanity" protocol, she still thrives on it. She bragged about it in the alt chatroom when she got home, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Then I'm finally getting a chance to talk to him, to let him reassure me that even when I'm invisible, he notices, and who comes along and plops her happy ass down on the sofa across from us? I always leave them alone when I see they're talking. I always try to stay out of the way to give them time together without me interfering. This one time when I was obviously upset and talking to J and she can't give me the courtesy of leaving us alone for five fucking minutes.

Then I find out that instead of traveling with us (and maybe even helping while we travel) when we go to Phoenix in May, she's leaving a day early to "spend time" with some woman there she's been dying to play with for ages. So, no help, and a big opportunity to embarrass the hell out of us by misbehaving before we even get there.

Today she tells me for the fifth time that we MUST remember some toys for this woman in Phoenix. I told her to ask the person who has them for the toys and pack then. I get this snotty attitude that she wasn't asking me to remember or pack them, just telling someone so she'll remember. Bullshit. She's hoping I'll ask the person who has them and pack them so she won't have to remember any more.

She's on the staff for the Gathering. She barely helped set up and left before it was over so guess who had to help clean up? I'm NOT on the damned staff.

Fuckit...I'm just bitching now.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry. I was feeling better by mid afternoon on Sunday, but I really had to vent to get that far.

I'm human and when I feel threatened or excluded, I get resentful and lash out. I't obviously better for me to lash out in writing here than on J at home (which was a near thing by Sunday morning...I get the feeling he knew that because he backed off a few times).

I need to work on an essay regarding these issues...something on how to handle one's emotions when the time is not right to talk about them. I then need to do that because I was not behaving well Saturday night or Sunday morning.

Feeling bitchy

Mar. 19th, 2006 at 12:11 AM

Right now I'm pissed off and resentful as hell. I HATE being the workhorse...the only one doing anything of consequence.

For crying out fucking loud...all i wanted to do was have a little bit of relaxation today because i knew what sunday was going to be like. But no, i had to freaking waste the day editing a video we won't even be using because that's what he wanted.

Then we filmed the fucking replacement video and rather than relax and socialize with K, I had to fucking start editing that...which I did until D showed up. Then it was hurry up and get ready to film some more. Then run to walmart because the background sucked and needed to be wider. Then film. Then when everyone else in the fucking house is playing, what am I doing? I'm fucking caputuring the goddammed video.

He's barely come near me since the Drs appt last Friday. He spends hours on the fucking computer "training" women from god knows where and inviting them to come here (and offering to "help" with their plane tickets). He doesn't have a motherfucking job...so guess whose money he's offering?

I'm so pissed off right now I don't even know what to do.

I'm not even entirely sure where to start this today. J and I were talking in the car last night and when he asked me "What are you?" I simply couldn't get the word slave past my lips. That led to a correction where he chastized me for allowing my own personal hang-ups to interfere with his orders. Because I hesitated in answering, he couldn't continue the discussion.

He also chastized me for allowing prior experiences in my life to color my interactions with him. My fear of surrender stems so much from my fear of abandonment and betrayal...something reinforced with every relationship I've ever had with a man...beginning with my father and ending with T.

Fear of loss has always been my worst enemy. I find myself in a relationship where I'm generally happy and comfortable and because I am happy and comfortable, I begin to fear it will be taken from me. That fear builds when the other person in the relationship looks for others outside the relationship who could replace me. While I can generally deal with those issues and the jealousy which comes up, sometimes I simply need to hear the words, "It's ok. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not looking for a replacement for you," but I don't know how to ask for these words and not have them be forced.

I am ok in poly relationships but I am personally monogomous at my own core. I'm not interested in playing with, having sex with, or serving anyone else by my own personal choices. I will do these things if told to, but my choice would not be to go outside the relationship for these things.

Honestly I guess everything here and everything which came up last night can be boiled down to one thing...fear. I'm afraid I'm being used. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid I'm going to be left alone. I'm afriad to trust that what is happening is real and will last.

J is so different from the men I've previously had D/s relationships with and yet in some ways he's very similar to them. He demands and accepts my surrender in a way no one else has--that is the main difference and benefit to this relationship over past relationships. His quest for others and my feelings of inadequacy because he quests is what is similar. And I fully realize he doesn't make me feel inadequate...I make me feel inadequate. But at the same time, it is behavior familiar to me which triggers that fear I spoke of earlier.

This isn't helping, so I'm going to stop now.

No, the problem isn't safety, sanity or consent. The problem comes in mistaking a description for a prescription. Before anyone said the phrase Safe Sane Consensual SM—decades, even centuries before—bottoms were safe enough to survive and beg for more, couples were sane enough to recognize a good thing and protect their possibilities for continuing to do it, and consent was clearly and obviously known to be essential. That’s why the SM of earlier times was eventually described in the late 1980s as "Safe Sane Consensual." No problem.

It becomes a problem with contemporary efforts to sell that description as a requirement, apply it as a prescription, and to judge one another on the basis of various understandings of what that prescriptive phrase looks or feels like in action. Granted, some of the institutions are gone that were once relied upon to make SM safe, to provide community-wide feedback on the sanity of the members and to double check that consent was being respected. Still, taking a phrase that described the SM world as it once operated and repeating that phrase endlessly will not make SM SSC. Embroidering the phrase on patches, even painting it on 30-foot-wide banners will not save a single scene from becoming unsafe, stop an insane man from doing SM or monitor the necessities of consent.

- Joseph W. Bean, The SSC Mistake

SSC is often touted throughout our community as a measure of how “right” or “wrong” a player may be. Honestly, however, how much of WIITWD can ever be considered safe? Is it safe to hit someone else? Is it safe to allow someone to cut your skin, pierce it, or drop hot wax on it? And as for sanity, that’s definitely relative. What is “sane” for member of our community is often considered deviant or insane by those outside the SM community.

As someone who plays with a “heavy edge player” I get the worried looks from friends, the phone calls or IMs the day after an event which ask, “Are you really okay?” The answer is yes and the reason is simple. Of the three issues—Safe, Sane, and Consensual, I believe the “C” is the most important. I have given the man I serve my consent to use me in the manner which best meets his needs at the time. I also trust him not to permanently break his property. He has proven to me, time and time again that he values me and breaking me would be counter to that valuation.

I’m not a masochist. I don’t like pain. I don’t process it into pleasure and I don’t fly (enter subspace). I serve. Is what I do with the man I serve safe? Not really. Getting hit can do damage. Being cut can leave scars or do other damage. Is it sane? Who knows. My friends seem to think I’ve been a little touched to get involved with someone whose taste in SM activities is so far from what mine have always been. Is it consensual? Absolutely…and that is really all that matters.

The next time you watch a scene and you think to yourself, “Gee, that’s not safe,” consider this: The players are adults. They have agreed to engage in the activity you are viewing and to engage in it where you are permitted to view it. Instead of focusing on your own perceptions and concepts of SSC, remember that the “C” part has been met and the rest is really inconsequential. If you don’t like what you see, walk away and don’t watch. Or stay and learn something about the players and maybe about yourself.

I had an unexpected problem on Monday night that bothered me on several levels. I left for work around 4:15 and came back at about quarter to 8. I immediately made dinner. Bear in mind that at this point, K has been in my home as a guest since Saturday afternoon when she arrived and other than helping me carry things in from the car did little to help get the house ready for the party.

As dinner was cooking I walked through the house and put a few things away…I found J’s belt in the bedroom so I assumed they had played while I was gone. I was a little annoyed because hey, someone might have done the dishes or something while I was at work, but whatever.

Right after dinner, however, I saw something that made me cry. That horribly heavy collar I’d made several years ago to T’s design…the one I wore with him and from which hung an ownership tag…was on the couch.

I saw leather and metal sticking out of a blanket, so I went over to see if it was cuffs (J doesn’t seem to like cuffs much but I was hoping). I’m fairly certain J saw me do this. Then I went into the bathroom and cried. I hadn’t expected it to bother me. I’d offered to loan the collar to R. I didn’t care if clients wore it. But that moment of thinking J had put it on K really hurt me.

When I stopped crying, I took the dog for a walk because I wasn’t ready to deal with the issue yet and didn’t want to do it in front of K at all. When I got back from walking the dog, K was leaving and J and I talked.

I told him I hadn’t expected it to bother me and that was why I hadn’t brought up the origin of that collar. He explained he hadn’t thought for a moment I would have worn something that bulky or heavy. He also told me he’d only used it to hold a blanket over K’s head as a hood, that there’d been no symbolism. Then he told me he’d leave that collar alone…not use it for anything. I’d mentioned taking it apart…destroying it…and he said it would be a waste to do that, but that he’d never use it again.

I’m trying very hard to keep the jealousy monster at bay. I get so much more time with him. I get a much more rounded relationship with him. But sometimes I get resentful of being the only one doing the domestic work, the business work, the work in general when K is here.

I also try not to feel jealous when J plays with K. Our relationship is different…He tells me I don’t feed his demons in the same ways (not that the sadistic side isn’t fed with me, just that they don’t need feeding as often when he’s with me). But I admit to feeling it sometimes.

I also admit to annoyance with K yesterday as she’s telling J about a cutting she wants him to do for her…she’s designed it and wants his initial in it (J, not s2n). The “one-upmanship” kind of stuff like that annoys the daylights out of me. J is trying very hard to be fair about his time and interaction with the two of us when K is around. On Saturday, he did pressure point play with K and teased and played with her on and off all evening while I was playing Suzie Hostess to the other twenty people in the house. Then he did the scene with Joyful. My cutting was not planned but was his way of connecting with me and spending some one-on-one time with me without having to beat on me.

Now, despite the play on Saturday, the constant fighting on Sunday and whatever play they had on Monday while I went to WORK, K feels it’s necessary to ask for a cutting from him.

I know part of this is my own issue with asking for what I want, but at the same time can I not just enjoy what J has done for me without her immediately needing the same from him? Can she not just leave it be? Let me have what I have from him as I let her have what she has with him?

This was something I always hated about the addition of step-sisters to my life when I was 11. Suddenly there was the issue of what would be fair and generally I was the one who was shorted because I wouldn’t complain about it.

I know I’m just whining now so I better stop. This is counter productive anyway. J will do what he wants and anything I say on this particular issue is going to sound harpy-ish and jealous.

Cross another off the list

Feb. 12th, 2006 at 7:42 PM


02112006-cutting
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. of "Never been done..."

This is my first cutting. J cut this flower and his scene name into my left shoulder blade last night.

It HURT...it still hurts...but at the same time it was an amazing experience.

He talked to me as he was getting ready to do this. He talked about the intimate connection between him and me when he put a scalpel in my skin. Then he told me how hard it suddenly was to begin cutting me...how much he cared about me...I think I'm still processing, but I wanted to post this. I'll write more later.


Ok…time to write about the cutting…still feeling like I’m processing, so I have to write it out.

I asked him about it today…asked if it was planned and he said no. It was a way to connect to me, to scene with me and me alone…and ostensibly to mark me as his, I suppose.

Originally he took me up to the play room, laid me down and was rubbing my back a bit…talking to me about things. He asked if I watched the scene he’d done earlier and I told him no. I explained I had been feeling disconnected and could not watch him be that violent when I felt that way. We talked about why I felt disconnected and I think it was then that he decided to do the cutting. He told me to get a blanket and pillows and music and to make sure my back was available to him.

I did so and lay down to wait. He came back up and laid the scalpel and alcohol rub next to me, then went back downstairs. I spent a long time staring at that scalpel. I kept thinking “Freaking out won’t stop this or make it any better…be calm and it will be ok. Trust him.”

He came back eventually with the rest of the stuff needed and then talked to me…asked me if I wanted this…asked me if I wanted to be able to see him (I did) while he worked. He positioned me and then told me not to move, no matter what.

He lay down next to me then and held the scalpel. He looked at me and the transfer and then told me how hard it was to start cutting me. He told me how important I was to him. How much he cared about me. It helped to ease me down a bit to hear these things.

The cutting burned as he pulled the scalpel through my skin. Sometimes it hurt a lot, sometimes it didn’t really hurt at all. A few people came up and watched a moment or two, but soon after he began, J and I were alone. It was almost surreal as J moved around my body, talked to me a little…letting me know when the longer cuts would happen. He held me down sometimes, told me not to move, but mostly I remember him being close to me, feeling his skin against mine, knowing this cutting was important to him…he wanted it to be pretty for me.

The worst of the pain came when after cleaning off the transfer ink J slapped the cutting to bring up the blood to check for missed spots. That was when I cried.

By Monday, the cutting no longer hurt. It’s burned on and off a few times, but no more pain. I’ve found myself touching it from time to time, just to feel how it’s shaped…almost a touch-stone.

How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to know what really matters most.
- Stephen Covey, author and speaker

This is a supremely important thought. I spent so much of my life in the past worrying about inconsequential things and losing sight of what was truly important. It is really only in the last few years that I have narrowed my life’s focus and found those things which are truly important to me.

Relationships have become far more important to me since I stopped trying to avoid people and started trying to connect to them. I may have few true friends, but those friends have stuck with me over the years. My romantic life, while recently changing, was stable for more than three years prior to this Christmas. I think I am officially a serial monogamist…I engage in monogamous relationships which last years and then move on when the relationship no longer works for either of us. I have a lot of trouble letting go of people when I have let them into my life, so I tend to stay in relationships longer than might be healthy.

There are many things in my life I deem “deeply important.” My career, my family, my friends…they are all foci of my time and dedication. I no longer deem destructive people and their actions as important to my life, though admittedly I spent years dealing with that behavior. I no longer deem other’s opinions as important to me as I have found peace with myself and know I am not the evil witch others have portrayed me as out of fear or anger or loss.

In the end it is a waste of my time and energy to deal with negativity and so I will no longer do so. I have made peace with myself and my Divine influence and can only hope others are able to do the same.

New Photo!

Feb. 5th, 2006 at 10:02 AM


Shari-in-White
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. I asked J to please take a photo of me yesterday. That fabulous jacket is a size 14. The leather mini I was wearing with it is a 14 too!

I haven't been this small since high school. I feel odd going out with friends because I was never the skinny one but now I am.

We went to a gay bar last night and I think I got hit on the most LOL.

The motivation to maintain hatred

Feb. 4th, 2006 at 8:04 AM

This morning I am trying desperately to understand the motivation to hate...

Just after New Years I met a man whose company I enjoy immensely. When we met, he indicated he was a member of a local group begun several years ago (immediately after I left) by my ex-husband. I was clear about who I was and that I was likely unwelcome in the group. I was assured such would not be the case as my ex-husband was really only tangentially involved in the group anymore.

Since that time, I have made it as clear as possible that I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. When I offered my home to host an event because it was larger than the usual venue, I was clear that my ex and his new wife were absolutely welcome in my home. When the man I am seeing asks me about my ex I am honest and most of the time my discussions center on hoping the ex is happy and doing better than we did together. As the man I'm seeing often says about relationships which end, "Bad stuff happens to good people."

Yesterday it seems my ex discovered my connection to the group. He'd already made it clear he was leaving the group for reasons unconnected to me, but when he discovered my connection he made it absolutely clear he'd leave in order to not be associated with me.

Understand that we've been divorced for three years. My ex is fast approaching his second (or is it third?) wedding anniversary with his new wife. The only contact I've had with the ex in the last year was initially prompted by him and was as vitriolic as our communication has been since I left. In general we do simply avoid each other.

It would seem, however, that no matter what, he intends to maintain hostility. You would think after this much time he'd have moved on. I would hope his new marriage is happy enough that the thought of seeing me in a social situation wouldn't cause him to sever ties with a social group he enjoyed. But such is apparently not the case.

Despite a concerted effort on my part to keep the peace and help everyone else in this admittedly strange situation be comfortable, I will once again be the "evil b*tch" who drove my ex away from something he loved. I am happy and secure in my relationship and I was truly hoping the ex was as well so we could be adults and manage to be nice in a social situation should it arise.

Well, tick another item off my “never did it” list. Last night, for the first time in my life, I was fisted.

J was feeling aggressive most of the day. We’re working on a project and it has him pumped up. Early in the day, he’d ordered me to give him a blow job while he was working on the computer.

After dinner, I was working on photos and he was watching a movie. When I finished, I lay down on the couch and he joked that I was ready to sleep and he was ready for another blow job. I of course complied quickly. After about fifteen minutes (and my leg falling asleep from kneeling in front of him), he told me to go get my favorite vibrator (which now has to be replaced because the @*&!^ dog got hold of it last night). He had me lay on the floor in front of him and f*ck myself with it for him. Then he told me to go get another vibrator. He wanted me to put them both inside me at the same time, but I couldn’t do it…I guess I’m just not shaped that way LOL.

He lay down on the floor with me and asked me if I’d ever been fisted before. I told him no. He asked if I wanted to be and I told him I didn’t know. He started touching me, then sent me to get lube.

It’s hard to describe with this felt like. There was pressure and there was some pain but the end result was an orgasm so strong I thought my head was going to burst. I had always been afraid of fisting…thought it would be excruciating…thought it would stretch things I liked tight the way they were…but in the end it was amazing. I can still feel it if I remember lying on my back, my right leg curled behind J, his left hand against my side and his right hand inside me to the wrist *shudder*.

He then proceeded to f*ck me senseless. While I wouldn’t wish for the weight I’ve lost to come back, I have to say that losing some padding has been detrimental LOL. My ribs are bruised from him laying on me (now two nights in a row…he f*cked my ass the night before…holy orgasm batman!). I still have padding there when I’m standing, but when I lay down, there’s only a little skin between the rib and him.
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Six Point Florentine by J.

Jan. 31st, 2006 at 9:30 AM


Jarrett Floggers 3
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. I so love watching him work. He is amazing when he flies. There's a way to his movements that makes you want to be there...connected to him...even if it really hurts to be there LOL.

Perfection

• Jan. 23rd, 2006 at 8:16 AM

“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
~Aristotle
Oh how I know this! I have always enjoyed seeing things "become." I used to like to mow the lawn (despite being allergic) because I liked watching the lines join each other as I methodically moved from one end of the field to the other.

I have been working on a pair of Corcoran jump boots this weekend. I bought them at a pawn shop and while they weren't horribly dull and ugly, they needed care. I polished them once and a friend came by and told me what they should look like. I've spent the rest of the weekend working to reach that point. I can see the light glinting off of them from across the room right now. While I do not ever see myself joining boot black competitions or even performing boot blacking services in public (J said it could be a private endeavor for me), I enjoyed working on these boots because I loved watching the shine come out of the darkness.

Now I need to apply the same mentality to learning other skill sets to make my service more effective and comprehensive. I need to find ways to take "good enough" out of my vocabulary.

 Thoughts on Obedience

• Jan. 23rd, 2006 at 9:14 PM

Those who would be slaves must obey and serve *whether or not* they are in agreement with their master's will. They must accept and abide by the structure and guidelines that are laid down for them. They must expect to be held accountable.
-Cyd Athens

The quote is an excerpt from a "Leather Thought" forwarded to a list I am on. In this thought, Cyd Athens looks at the state of being a Master or slave in the past and how that state of being can be brought into the current state of WIITWD.

I find myself relating closely to Athens' statements regarding Masters and slaves. It is not up to me to question J's orders. Rather it is my duty to obey him and trust that he will consider my well-being and health when he issues said orders. I also must expect to be held accountable for my actions or non-actions.

I find myself somewhat embarrassed (because I don't take compliments well) when J speaks to others about my obedience. I am especially uncomfortable when he compares me with other submissives or slaves. But in truth, I am doing only what is expected. I find great comfort in serving within my defined boundaries. When in doubt, obedience is the easiest path for me. I take no pleasure in bratty behavior and often feel embarrassed by it in others. This is now more pronounced because I know how much J dislikes bratty behavior and I can feel him tense up when he is exposed to it.

Controlling Behavior

• Jan. 21st, 2006 at 8:15 PM

“Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.”
~Thomas H. Huxley
Interesting that I came across this quote right after writing about hesitating to ask J for what I want or need. "Act decidedly and take the consequences…" it's an important thought for me.

R and I spoke at length last night regarding my difficulties in expressing my wants and needs and he made a point that I hadn't previously considered. Each time I fail to speak up, I take away J's right to make a decision…in essence, I make the decision for him. I don't like thinking that my silence is manipulative, but in truth, it really is. I am manipulating the situation in such a way that only my thoughts and considerations are taken into account. By choosing to stay silent, I take from J his right to make decisions in the relationship. I am usurping his position in the power exchange.

I'm ashamed that this point of view did not occur to me. It took another submissive person to point out to me how controlling my behavior was. As long as I have been at this, been in this type of mindset, been involved in power exchange relationships and I simply never thought of it as controlling. I truly believed I was working in the best interest of the person I was serving by not being demanding.

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 The Scene from Monday

• Jan. 21st, 2006 at 9:18 PM

I haven't yet written about the scene J and I had on Monday at Master P's house. I'm not sure why. It was intense and stressful and emotional and I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping words around the images I still have in my brain.

Part of me sees my naked form, thinner than it has been in a very long time, displayed before mostly strangers as I clung to the bookshelf. Part of me can see J behind me, knowing the way his body moves as he begins to fly. Part of me can hear and see the onlookers, can discern the apprehension from the youngest members of the audience.

I can still hear him telling me to turn. I can still see him staring into my own eyes as the single tail continued to snake out toward me. I can still feel the profound trembling in my entire body and the force of will it took to bring it under some semblance of control at J's command.

He told me later that when he saw me trembling he'd wanted to beat me to my knees but chose not to in order to keep from scaring the two women we'd gone to meet that night. I don't know how to feel about that particular statement other than to know that I would have taken that beating for and from him without protest.

He gives me safewords for these types of scenes (or at least he did for this one). And while what he did to me hurt, I wasn't yet to the point of using them. The tears came quickly and more vehemently when I lost my focus. The single-tail stung but didn't hurt as much as I had expected it to. I know he held back (he didn't break the skin) but it helps my fear a lot to feel it the way I did, see the marks it left, and know it wasn't as bad as my imagination made it to be.

Pain is not something I can translate into pleasure as some people can. I can only focus on it and work through it. I don't fly the way some submissives/masochists talk about flying…I never have. I can only reach for the connection between me and the top and use it to hold onto and come back to when it is through.

I also talked to J about the difference in emotional response I have between being hit with something like a flogger or a single-tail and being hit with his hands. The implements hurt far more, but the emotional toll of being hit with his hands is far more painful. And, as I told him, it isn't as though I believe he's angry with me. Instead there is a level of detachment between the user and the used when an implement comes between them. If he slaps me or hits me with his hands, that detachment is removed. The action is far more personal.

 Thoughts for today

• Jan. 20th, 2006 at 9:10 AM

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.”

~Booker T. Washington

I was thinking this morning of a discussion J and I had in the car yesterday and how I'm having difficulty with something. This quote on success struck a chord with me because of it.

J wants me to verbalize my wants and needs (okay, so he wants me to beg him...minor difference when the issue is actually the verbalization). 

For my entire life, I have subjugated my wants and needs for those of the people around me. I will go without to be certain those I'm caring for have enough. I will push my desires back in order to help those around me find their own. This behavior has been a part of my life longer than I have been in service or understood what that meant. As an only child, I played alone...jumping up from what I was doing to answer my mother's call when she needed help. When I got three sisters at the age of 11 (my mother remarried after divorcing my father), my wants and needs took the back seat to those of my sisters' because I tried to keep the peace in my mother's house.

In addition to years of patterned behavior, each time I have put forth my wants and needs and held fast to them, I have been hurt by those from whom I requested that my needs and wants be heard. Any time I have held fast to a position because it was in MY best interest, anyone else affected by my decision has been angry and hurt (because I teach people it's okay to ignore my wants and needs in favor of their own).

And in the past when I have asked that my needs be met, more often than not, I was told no.

All of these factors make up the issue at hand. While I could think the words J wanted to hear me say on Wednesday night, I couldn't get them past my lips. I cannot seem to simply say, “Please, Sir. I would very much like ____.” It feels selfish to me. I spend so much time considering other factors that I actually make things worse by waiting than had I simply spoken up in the first place.

Case and point: Wednesday Night
J was leaving on Thursday for a four day trip. I desperately wanted to be close to him, be held by him and be f*cked silly before he left. At the time I was thinking these things, I’m looking at him, seeing how tired he is, knowing how exhausting the last week and a half has been, knowing how drained he is from being in top space for so much of that time. I’m thinking to myself it would be selfish to ask for these things because he needs to be cared for so he can be fresh and revitalized for his trip.

In my mind, I can form the request. But it never makes it from my brain to my lips because somewhere in my brain a switch is thrown which blocks all such communication if I believe I am asking for selfish reasons.

I try not to be needy. Especially in a new relationship. I don’t want to be a burden to people and yet I know that my refusal to share these things with J is a problem. It tacitly demonstrates a failure to trust that he will consider my request with honest thought and consideration. The thing is, I know that isn’t true. J has never given me one reason to distrust him or to believe he would turn away a true need out of hand.