Lately it feels as thought the entire world is conspiring against me and my ability to remain balanced and happy in all aspects of my life.

I have been fighting with myself for so long on how to alleviate some of the guilt I feel when I try to put forth my own needs and wants and it seems as though I am not getting anywhere. Why do I feel guilty when I think things like, "Why should I come last?" I am just as valuable a human being as anyone else and yet I consistently feel as though my wants and needs must be subjugated to those of my partners.

I have been making strides as far as the relationship with JD. I am getting better at simply saying what is on my mind…even if it is in letters. But I find myself still holding back, still stopping myself from saying things that might hurt him, might drive him away from me. Would I be devastated if he did leave? Would that be the end of me and my submission? No, but I do get something from our relationship and would miss it if it were taken from me.

What do I get from that relationship? He makes me feel beautiful and special, but so does R. He accepts my submission without wrestling it from me and that is something R cannot do. I enjoy his company, enjoy just being with him. He is a calmer soul than R and it is often soothing to be with him.

I know I'm just rambling. I'm stressed and tired and need to relax. Perhaps I'll hear from him this weekend. R and I are going to the MBBDSM munch today and we might see Michelle and Steve because they are in MB right now. I called Scott and left a message on their machine, but I doubt he got it.