Still nothing

I honestly don't expect to hear anything so I'm not nearly as upset as I could be.


I suppose I need to prepare myself for the very real possibility that this is it, the end of the relationship. If he will not talk to me, won't make time for something as important as the issues I have presented to him, then he cannot care enough for me. I told him when we met and he asked me to be his submissive that I had to have an emotional bond with a Dominant. He said that was fine. He brought up the subject of the poly relationship, leaving me to believe he could care enough for me to possibly love me someday.

But in the past month he has done so many contradictory things. In one afternoon, he asks me to "make love to him." The next day began a week of silence because of a new family crisis. The the suicide attempt when the girlfriend I thought knew about me found one of my letters. Then the missing letter, stolen from his mailbox, stopped me from being able to mail my letters to him, closing off the last communication channel I had. Now I pour my heart and soul out to him, tell him that I don't know how to approach him, how to tell him that all I need is to hear that he cares, to see it in his consideration of my feelings and he responds with resounding silence and anger because I was upset to find him sleeping on an afternoon when we had tentative plans to get together for the long-awaited talk.

It wasn't that he was sleeping that had me so upset. It was the fact that he hadn't called and said, "I'm exhausted. Can we please do this another day?" My response would have been, "Of course." I would have been disappointed, but at least he would have considered my concerns important enough to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to discuss them right away.

R is furious. He's tired of seeing me hurt and hopes the relationship ends. How do I explain to him that part of me wants it to end while another part prays that JD will call and make things right?

R is caught up in a new relationship with JJ. They're talking about a collaring...something he forbid me to do without first consulting him and yet he has not even asked what I think of it. I'm not angry or jealous, really, just sort of a "what did you expect" feeling.

I know that somewhere there has to be a dominant who will accept what I offer in submission and give to me the things I need in return. I think my needs are pretty simple. I need to be A priority in his life (not number one, but somewhere above washing his socks). I need to know that the love and care I put into the relationship is returned. I need to be treated with care, compassion and consideration. That's it and I don't think that I'm asking too much.

Maybe I am seeking something that doesn't exist. And yet even with the disasterous ending to the realtionship with M, I always knew he cared about me. I didn't spend countless hours wondering when he was going to shove me away from him. I didn't cry over him and his callous treatment of me because that isn't how he treated me.