Communication

As someone who checks her email several times a day, it is hard for me to understand letting it go for whole days at a time.

And that is exactly what he does sometimes. There have been weeks when he only glances at his mail to see if there is anything pressing and he only does that once or twice. That would drive me nuts and with the lists I'm on, it would fill up even the 10mg my ISP gives me.

The problem is that I often send an email because I still feel funny about calling his house too often. I usually call him as I am arriving in town and leave a message on his voice mail. He is then free to call me back when he gets home and has time. I rarely call his cell phone because I know it is expensive for him and I don't want to disturb him at work. Even when he tells me to call him at work, I feel funny doing it...I get that sinking, spinning feeling in my stomach like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

I miss being able to write him letters. But after the "Big Talk" we determined that I was using the letters as an excuse not to talk to him in person and he said no more. Immediately prior to the "Big Talk" someone had stolen one of my letters from his mailbox...probably his psycho hose beast ex-mother in law. So that meant I could no longer mail them and had to be careful about leaving them for him at his house. The last thing I want is to be the reason social services makes a play to take his children from him. Yes, he's divorced. Yes, he's a fabulous father. But we all know how the "state" feels about WIITWD. And in his case, the psycho hose beast ex-mother in law doesn't even want Sir to have a girlfriend. Imagine what she would do with the information that this "girlfriend" was married and let him flog her.

I miss him. That's what this whole thought process is about. Since the "Big Talk" we've spent some really nice time together, talking and learning more and more about each other. I have discovered that I really like that time.

I can still feel my collar on my neck, his skin under my hands as I sat on the floor beside his couch touching him while we talked of music and memories and mundane things. Those are moments I like to savor. Not that standing before him as he plunged two fingers into me and pulled my nipples until my back arched and my knees almost gave way is a bad memory *weg*. But the quiet times when there is no pressure are so rare that I treasure each moment.

I had a scary thought that day, though. As I lay my head on his knee, soothing him after a minor upset disrupted part of the afternoon, I remember thinking, "I could love him if he'd let me." That is not a good thought and I don't know what to do with it. I know he cares for me, but I also know that he is afraid to love me because I'm married. He's told me that he's not sure how to handle what I feel for him because he's afraid of getting in too deep. That day was one of the ones where I could feel his emotions clearly. When he takes my face and turns it to him to kiss, when he doesn't even flinch as my nails bite into his shoulder as he removes the clamps, when his eyes tell me he cares for me...those are the things I know in my heart and soul. Those are the things he does without thinking or calculating. It is the things he does to distance me...kissing my forehead and stepping back before I leave...that feel calculated.

This has gotten long and rambly and doesn't even match the subject line anymore :).