Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.

I am asking myself if i am being selfish by hoping to speak with or hear via email from MasterJD. I keep telling myself that of course his family must come first and that I understand how busy he is right now, but that does not dim my disappointment when I don't hear anything at all from him in response to messages i've sent.
Then i begin to think that perhaps i should simply fade into the woodwork again. Quietly move back into the shadows, stop sending email to him or the list, stop working on the website, just disappear. Make it easier for him to deal with the important things in his life by eliminating a simple, secondary one.
Then i do talk to him and he sounds pleased to talk to me and assures me that i'm not being a pain in the ass and i feel good until i think about it again.
I know that i would enjoy exploring the D/s relationship with him. I also know that if we never scened again, i would like to remain his friend. I like this man, what he has shared of himself with me, and i'm not so rich with friends in this life that i could not use another.
As i've said before, i hate this part of a new relationship. The uncertainty makes me crazy. I feel like if i don't hear from him, it's because i'm bothering him (intellectually i know this isn't necessarily the case). If i contact him, i feel like i'm bothering him. I guess i just feel like a bother because i don't think i'm of enough import to make any noise or affect in his life right now.

i really hate the beginning of any kind of new relationship. There's always that annoying time period as each person involved in the relationship feels out the other person's boundaries and learns his or her excentricities. This is the hardest time for me because i have to walk a tight wire, balancing between my natural inhibitions and frigid tendencies and my need to be accepted by those around me.
i tend to be 'clingy' despite my every effort not to be. i know i do this and i try to tone it down, but i also know that many people are annoyed by it.
For so long i was the silent one sitting in the corner of the room, shielding myself from everyone with veneer of ice and hostility. In relationships where distance isn't an option, i find myself overcompensating to make up for my discomfort.
If i've done everything within my realm of control to ensure that someone knows i'm open and friendly and likeable and they still stomp on my heart and soul, i can comfort myself with the thought that "i did everything i could." This has been my only line of defense for the past several years. i'm not saying it works, because it really doesn't, but until i find an alternative, or until i find those people in the world like me (those who are exactly as they appear), it's the only thing i've got.
i know i'm not an easy person to deal with on a daily basis. i can be demanding, argumentative, neurotic, and pushy. But burried beneath those surface annoyances is someone who is truly concerned with the welfafe of those she cares about. The demanding, argumentative, and pushy bitch is there fighting for what is best for those she considers friends and family. The neurotic is just me, sorry...stuck with that one :).
At the begginning of a new realtionship, be it strictly friendship or more involved, all parties are struggling with what to share and what to hold close to the vest. In a relationship that asks for my unwavering trust, such as between a Dom and a sub, so many more variables come into play.
I'm inherently insecure. i have trouble finding value in my own company and often wonder why people bother with me. When someone hurts me, whether it be the primary relationship or tangential, i push EVERYONE away. The walls go up, the bridges are burned and i retreat to that shell where the cold bitch sits guard while the real me cries her eyes out and wonders why people lie to each other.
i want so very much to trust MasterJD. i sincerely want our new relationship to build from these first tentative steps to a lasting friendship (one with extra benefits is always nice, but a good friend is worth more than anything else). Because i want this so much, i feel myself pushing, seeking approval, asking for more than i have any right to expect. i'm afraid that one day He'll look at me and say something ugly, turn on a heel and never look back like so many others have in my life. This fear isn't a reflection of what i think of His personality or integrity, it is a reflection of my own insecurities. I'm afraid that by opening myself to Him, daring to trust Him, i'm once again setting myself up for destruction.
These expectations aren't fair to Him and i apologize now. This journal is meant as a place for me to work out my emotions, fears, concerns, and ideas, so i'm doing that. This is the place for me to write the things i have trouble saying because the words catch in my throat.
I know i've rambled and made little sense.

i feel like i may have given Sir the feeling that nothing he did during our scene was right. That is the farthest thing from the truth.
In the previous posts, i've focused on what stood out to me. i think those things stand out because they are different from what i am used to. This post will focus on the positive aspects of our scene.
Sir's concern for my safety and comfort was extremely important to not only my enjoyment of the scene, but also to my state of mind during the scene. The fact that He cared to check on me, to see how i was doing, to check some things himself because He recognized that i'm stubborn and will endure things without complaint means an awful lot to me.
The simple touch of His hand on my body was enough to send my senses skyrocketing toward orgasm. From the moment He touched my neck to secure the collar, my skin cried out to be caressed by Him. The memory of the feel of His touch is STILL giving me tremors and aftershocks.
There are things i wish now i had done during O/our scene.
i wish i had touched Him. i wish i would have been reckless and given in to the desire to thread my fingers into His hair, to feel His skin under my hands.
i wish i had more fully surrendered to Him. i think i was trying to prove something to myself and "impress" Him with my control. i wish now i hadn't done that. i look forward to our next scene so that i may simply be His without the control games i was playing with myself.
And in the discussions since O/our scene, i wish i had not been so touchy about semantics. i believe i might have frightened Him with my adherence to a certain understanding of particular words. i wish i had done a better job of explaining myself the first time.
i think its time for me to go to bed now.

i still only remember flashes of things from the scene. one of the most vivid was Master JD's admonishment when i moved without requesting permission first.
To be entirely honest, it never occurred to me that i should ask before moving. I wonder, sometimes, what i'm getting myself into. Master JD is so much more forceful and expects total obedience.

Another moved entry.

there was something inherently different about MasterJD when he called to say he was almost to the house. His tone of voice on the phone, asking me if i was naked and sounding just a bit peeved when i wasn't, was very different than it had been at his home or on the phone prior to this time. i wondered at the time if he remembered that he told me it was okay to wear something. Naked or close were his words, i think. i chose close.
We spent a bit of time chatting in the living room, getting acclimated to each other, to R being there, to the cats, etc. i heard the change in his voice when he said he'd like a drink. i'd asked several times if he wanted something, but i almost think he said no to those offers so he could order me to get him something (note to self--ask him about this).
When he said, "let's get started," my heart jumped and stuttered. i had no idea what he expected of me and the frown on his face left me feeling that no matter what, i was already doing something wrong. i knelt in front of him and bowed my head to accept the collar i'd given him when he arrived. he fussed at me about my hair. i knelt, waiting, while he dug into his bag.
He pulled out the set of clamps that i knew would be different than any that i'd ever felt before. i'd tested these on my hand in his home the first night we met and found they had a heck of a bite. i was frightened. i was used to a slower approach to everything than he was taking and i felt the apprehension clawing at me like a small animal.
He pushed the strap of my gown off my shoulder and pulled my breast from behind the shield of the gown. i closed my eyes and waited for the bite of the clamp. i knew from talking to MasterJD that he was usually pretty rough with his subs. my heart was thumping against my throat, but the expected snap of pain when the clamp closed didn't come.
Instead there was a slow-building pressure and a blossom of heat. my breath came in fast pants and my head dropped back. Before i had time to fully recover, he was reaching for my other breast and the same pressure and heat came from that nipple. He gave me a moment to adjust and bring my breathing back to normal before cliping the strings attached to the clamps together with a heavy snap link. This was lowered and the clamps became even tighter.
For a few moments, he ran his hands over my breasts. i finally told him that my feet were going to sleep and i'd be unable to stay kneeling for much longer. The irritation reappeared. my heart thumped hard and tried to stop.
He told me to rise and finish disrobing. i was certain that the fact i'd worn anything had annoyed him and the red satin panties, my favorites, should have been left in the drawer. i removed the last bit of clothing and stood uncertain.
There were no cuffs on my wrists or ankles and that made me feel far more naked than my lack of clothing. i felt untethered, adrift and my axiety cranked up a notch.
MasterJD asked me if i knew what the "slave position" was. i admitted that i did not. He had me kneel on the floor, stretch out my body so my butt was high in the air and my arms and head were on the floor. Every movement made the weight from the clamps move, tightening them it seemed. When i lay against the carpet, the rough nylon further irritated my nipples, making me try to find a way to keep them off the carpet.
Using the crop i had to this point tried to ignore, MasterJD tapped my thighs, telling me to open my legs. Intellectually, i knew i could simply stand up and end this, but i didn't. i did as he asked, spreading my legs until there was no impediment to his access to me. i was still unbound and felt very alone.
I'll have to add more to this later...my brain is fuzzy on everything else in this part of the scene except MasterJD's admonishment of my misbehavior.

Old Livejournal

This is something I'm transfering from another journal

MasterJD and I talked for a really long time last night, covering the questions and concerns that we both had coming out of our scene together. I'm still processing the information, but the single most vivid thing I can think of right now is that he wants me to call him Master instead of Sir.
I tried to explain, but i'm not sure i did a very good job. Calling him Master means giving up a lot more of myself than I thought i was willing to give. It means allowing myself to feel "owned." It means allowing the emotional attachment to begin. Sir lets me keep a distance that Master will not.
I haven't made my decision yet. The idea is still rattling around in my head.

Thoughts today

• Jan. 13th, 2006 at 12:01 AM

He makes me think. He forces me to consider new angles on ideas. I heard him talk about me to other people for the first time tonight and I was happy with what I heard. I am a project...I can live with that because I know he would not waste his time if he did not see value in working with and training me.

I'll be attending a DSCarolina party with him on Saturday. I'm a little nervous...more because I haven't been to a lifestyle event in years and I'm always uncomfortable around strangers than anything else. But there's part of me terrified to be around people who know Richard.

I've chosen a semi-formal dress to wear for the evening. It's red and fitted with a cowl neckline and flowing hem. I want to be both beautiful and refined. I don't know what I'll be doing at the party other than being of service to him. I want to look elegant, not slutty for this. I asked what attire would be appropriate and he said whatever I was comfortable in. I want him to be proud of me, to be proud with me.

He talks to me about other women in his life and other than those brief twinges of "damn I wish I'd been able to try that" I'm okay with it.

He thanks me, genuinely, for my service. He touches me with tenderness. He confuses me. He helps me clarify my own thoughts.

He allows me to serve. He demands my service.

I talked to him about how Rick thinks I should be afraid of him. I explained that I'm not afraid of him. I may feel fear for some things he may wish to do to me, but I don't fear him. He will do exactly as he says he will and I can trust that. I am comfortable with him.