Fears

The speed with which the relationship is progressing scares me a bit. It isn't that I don't want it to move forward, but I am gunshy and worried that without soe time to know each other we will find ourselves to be incompatible after I've begun to care for you.

I'm afraid to surrender completely because I don't know you yet. A part of me is still waiting for the ugly word or comment designed to strip my self-esteem and leave me vulnerable to manipulation. This isn't a comment on what I believe of you, merely a fear I carry from hard experience.

I'm afraid that my nature, which is to care for and about the people in my life, will scare you away.

I'm afraid that I will disappoint you. Perhaps you have a skewed vision of who I am and the truth will not be to your liking.

I have all of the fears I normally have when it comes to the beginning of a relationship...am I really going to be a part of your life or am I going to be a toy--forgotten when it isn't time to play? Will you find my idiosyncacies too much to deal with and walk away without another word?

I'm insecure because so many times I've trusted someone only to be hurt. The last man with whom I was talking and forming a relationship (I thought) told me he couldn't decide between a relationship with me or getting a used corvette. My last Dom treated me like a Wednesday afternoon fling, a toy to pack into his bag and use when he felt like it.

I may need some reassurances sometimes. Sometimes all I need is to hear the words, "Everything is okay and I'm still happy with you as a part of my life." I'll be sure to let you know when those times come.
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shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:47 pm (local)

response
Know that I will not be like the rest. I have an understanding of who you are and like I told you...the core of you is good....the rest will be molded to serve me. You will be my sub and I will treat you as we have discussed. There will be no forgetting you exist.........although alone time for me is not abandonment. So far you have impressed me extremely. Your ability and desire to please and serve is very impressive. If you think we are maybe moving to fast then you need to approach me with it. As I have yet to give you a name, I will just call you sub until we decide on one for you. Sub, I am your Master, your Lover, your Friend. Above all else your friend. When you offered yourself as my Sub and I accepted, I agreed to look after you and make sure you were safe. I would put my own life in the way to protect you. As you have seen already in my response to situation you were uncomfortable with that you asked my input on. That being said......KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!! Master
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shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:33 am (local)
Re: response
Well, I think we've covered most of this one elsewhere.

I absolutely understand the need for time alone. I am the same way. It is the weeks of no contact that I cannot handle. Again, these fears are MINE, not necessarily anything I think you would do.

I don't know what I'll do

I called JD yesterday to arrange to pick up my books.

I had left a message on Monday and he didn't return my call, so I was getting annoyed by the time I left the message on my way into town yesterday. I had resolved that if I didn't hear from him by the time I headed on to base, I'd leave another message that would be less than cordial.

He called while I was in Walmart. Talking to him...hearing his voice was VERY hard. I asked how his family was and then told him I'd only called to arrange to get my books. He was hesitant, but said today would be the best bet. I started crying and told him about being passed over for the full-time position with the college. He was angry FOR me. I hung up and headed out of Walmart, the plan was I would call him when I was done with class on Wednesday.

I didn't make it more that four isles and he called back. He said he didn't want to end our relationship unless I wanted to. He told me he'd spent the weekend trying to come up with a way of explaining that he did care for me, but was afraid. He's afraid to care too deeply because I'm married. He said he understood how I would feel as though he didn't care, as though he treated me like a toy. He said that wasn't what he had intended. He told me he'd even been writing down the things he needed to talk to me about...something I had asked him to do once before and he hadn't...this time he is.

I said I would meet and talk to him today (unless some catasrophe errupts). I made no promises. I want to believe him. I don't want to believe that I trusted a man with my body and soul who lies as well as he would have to for his words yesterday to ring true. And yet I know that some things HAVE to change for me to be happy. I have to feel like a priority and not a convenience. I have to feel as though promises made to me are worth fighting to keep. I have to feel cherished and cared for and not like a dirty secret.

My husband is furious that I'm even considering talking to JD. He doesn't understand or see the parallels between his desire to have me walk away and the fact that so many people have told me the same thing about him. I told him last night that he can't like the fact that I don't give up on people when it applies to him and ask me to abandon it when it comes to someone else.

R threatened that if I decided to take JD back and he hurts me again, he'll go to jail in order to do harm to JD. I don't think it's fair to use that kind of emotional blackmail on anyone. It makes me responsible for two other people's actions.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Still nothing

I honestly don't expect to hear anything so I'm not nearly as upset as I could be.


I suppose I need to prepare myself for the very real possibility that this is it, the end of the relationship. If he will not talk to me, won't make time for something as important as the issues I have presented to him, then he cannot care enough for me. I told him when we met and he asked me to be his submissive that I had to have an emotional bond with a Dominant. He said that was fine. He brought up the subject of the poly relationship, leaving me to believe he could care enough for me to possibly love me someday.

But in the past month he has done so many contradictory things. In one afternoon, he asks me to "make love to him." The next day began a week of silence because of a new family crisis. The the suicide attempt when the girlfriend I thought knew about me found one of my letters. Then the missing letter, stolen from his mailbox, stopped me from being able to mail my letters to him, closing off the last communication channel I had. Now I pour my heart and soul out to him, tell him that I don't know how to approach him, how to tell him that all I need is to hear that he cares, to see it in his consideration of my feelings and he responds with resounding silence and anger because I was upset to find him sleeping on an afternoon when we had tentative plans to get together for the long-awaited talk.

It wasn't that he was sleeping that had me so upset. It was the fact that he hadn't called and said, "I'm exhausted. Can we please do this another day?" My response would have been, "Of course." I would have been disappointed, but at least he would have considered my concerns important enough to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to discuss them right away.

R is furious. He's tired of seeing me hurt and hopes the relationship ends. How do I explain to him that part of me wants it to end while another part prays that JD will call and make things right?

R is caught up in a new relationship with JJ. They're talking about a collaring...something he forbid me to do without first consulting him and yet he has not even asked what I think of it. I'm not angry or jealous, really, just sort of a "what did you expect" feeling.

I know that somewhere there has to be a dominant who will accept what I offer in submission and give to me the things I need in return. I think my needs are pretty simple. I need to be A priority in his life (not number one, but somewhere above washing his socks). I need to know that the love and care I put into the relationship is returned. I need to be treated with care, compassion and consideration. That's it and I don't think that I'm asking too much.

Maybe I am seeking something that doesn't exist. And yet even with the disasterous ending to the realtionship with M, I always knew he cared about me. I didn't spend countless hours wondering when he was going to shove me away from him. I didn't cry over him and his callous treatment of me because that isn't how he treated me.

Well, it's done. I gave JD my letters and now there's no turning back. Either he'll be willing to engage in a real relationship with emotions and consideration or he won't.

My head is throbbing and my heart hurts so bad that I want to scream. I've been like this for days, crying at the drop of a hat because of the pain and I don't know how to make it stop.

All I really want is for him to say, "Yes, I care about you. Yes, you are important to me. Yes, your feelings matter."
I don't think that's too much to ask.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.

I am asking myself if i am being selfish by hoping to speak with or hear via email from MasterJD. I keep telling myself that of course his family must come first and that I understand how busy he is right now, but that does not dim my disappointment when I don't hear anything at all from him in response to messages i've sent.
Then i begin to think that perhaps i should simply fade into the woodwork again. Quietly move back into the shadows, stop sending email to him or the list, stop working on the website, just disappear. Make it easier for him to deal with the important things in his life by eliminating a simple, secondary one.
Then i do talk to him and he sounds pleased to talk to me and assures me that i'm not being a pain in the ass and i feel good until i think about it again.
I know that i would enjoy exploring the D/s relationship with him. I also know that if we never scened again, i would like to remain his friend. I like this man, what he has shared of himself with me, and i'm not so rich with friends in this life that i could not use another.
As i've said before, i hate this part of a new relationship. The uncertainty makes me crazy. I feel like if i don't hear from him, it's because i'm bothering him (intellectually i know this isn't necessarily the case). If i contact him, i feel like i'm bothering him. I guess i just feel like a bother because i don't think i'm of enough import to make any noise or affect in his life right now.

i really hate the beginning of any kind of new relationship. There's always that annoying time period as each person involved in the relationship feels out the other person's boundaries and learns his or her excentricities. This is the hardest time for me because i have to walk a tight wire, balancing between my natural inhibitions and frigid tendencies and my need to be accepted by those around me.
i tend to be 'clingy' despite my every effort not to be. i know i do this and i try to tone it down, but i also know that many people are annoyed by it.
For so long i was the silent one sitting in the corner of the room, shielding myself from everyone with veneer of ice and hostility. In relationships where distance isn't an option, i find myself overcompensating to make up for my discomfort.
If i've done everything within my realm of control to ensure that someone knows i'm open and friendly and likeable and they still stomp on my heart and soul, i can comfort myself with the thought that "i did everything i could." This has been my only line of defense for the past several years. i'm not saying it works, because it really doesn't, but until i find an alternative, or until i find those people in the world like me (those who are exactly as they appear), it's the only thing i've got.
i know i'm not an easy person to deal with on a daily basis. i can be demanding, argumentative, neurotic, and pushy. But burried beneath those surface annoyances is someone who is truly concerned with the welfafe of those she cares about. The demanding, argumentative, and pushy bitch is there fighting for what is best for those she considers friends and family. The neurotic is just me, sorry...stuck with that one :).
At the begginning of a new realtionship, be it strictly friendship or more involved, all parties are struggling with what to share and what to hold close to the vest. In a relationship that asks for my unwavering trust, such as between a Dom and a sub, so many more variables come into play.
I'm inherently insecure. i have trouble finding value in my own company and often wonder why people bother with me. When someone hurts me, whether it be the primary relationship or tangential, i push EVERYONE away. The walls go up, the bridges are burned and i retreat to that shell where the cold bitch sits guard while the real me cries her eyes out and wonders why people lie to each other.
i want so very much to trust MasterJD. i sincerely want our new relationship to build from these first tentative steps to a lasting friendship (one with extra benefits is always nice, but a good friend is worth more than anything else). Because i want this so much, i feel myself pushing, seeking approval, asking for more than i have any right to expect. i'm afraid that one day He'll look at me and say something ugly, turn on a heel and never look back like so many others have in my life. This fear isn't a reflection of what i think of His personality or integrity, it is a reflection of my own insecurities. I'm afraid that by opening myself to Him, daring to trust Him, i'm once again setting myself up for destruction.
These expectations aren't fair to Him and i apologize now. This journal is meant as a place for me to work out my emotions, fears, concerns, and ideas, so i'm doing that. This is the place for me to write the things i have trouble saying because the words catch in my throat.
I know i've rambled and made little sense.