Still nothing

I honestly don't expect to hear anything so I'm not nearly as upset as I could be.


I suppose I need to prepare myself for the very real possibility that this is it, the end of the relationship. If he will not talk to me, won't make time for something as important as the issues I have presented to him, then he cannot care enough for me. I told him when we met and he asked me to be his submissive that I had to have an emotional bond with a Dominant. He said that was fine. He brought up the subject of the poly relationship, leaving me to believe he could care enough for me to possibly love me someday.

But in the past month he has done so many contradictory things. In one afternoon, he asks me to "make love to him." The next day began a week of silence because of a new family crisis. The the suicide attempt when the girlfriend I thought knew about me found one of my letters. Then the missing letter, stolen from his mailbox, stopped me from being able to mail my letters to him, closing off the last communication channel I had. Now I pour my heart and soul out to him, tell him that I don't know how to approach him, how to tell him that all I need is to hear that he cares, to see it in his consideration of my feelings and he responds with resounding silence and anger because I was upset to find him sleeping on an afternoon when we had tentative plans to get together for the long-awaited talk.

It wasn't that he was sleeping that had me so upset. It was the fact that he hadn't called and said, "I'm exhausted. Can we please do this another day?" My response would have been, "Of course." I would have been disappointed, but at least he would have considered my concerns important enough to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to discuss them right away.

R is furious. He's tired of seeing me hurt and hopes the relationship ends. How do I explain to him that part of me wants it to end while another part prays that JD will call and make things right?

R is caught up in a new relationship with JJ. They're talking about a collaring...something he forbid me to do without first consulting him and yet he has not even asked what I think of it. I'm not angry or jealous, really, just sort of a "what did you expect" feeling.

I know that somewhere there has to be a dominant who will accept what I offer in submission and give to me the things I need in return. I think my needs are pretty simple. I need to be A priority in his life (not number one, but somewhere above washing his socks). I need to know that the love and care I put into the relationship is returned. I need to be treated with care, compassion and consideration. That's it and I don't think that I'm asking too much.

Maybe I am seeking something that doesn't exist. And yet even with the disasterous ending to the realtionship with M, I always knew he cared about me. I didn't spend countless hours wondering when he was going to shove me away from him. I didn't cry over him and his callous treatment of me because that isn't how he treated me.

Pain

I don't even know where to begin. I am not, and refuse to believe I am, asking too much for my feelings to be considered valid.


Is it really too much to ask that he phone me and say, "I know we need to talk, but I can't do it today,"? Is it too much to hope that after reading what I poured out of my soul he would understand that I needed that much at least?

Instead, I find him sleeping at home. That hurt enough... Then the phone call with the angry voice telling me "I haven't slept in two days and if that's a problem, so what."

In between the sobs i realized I can't do this anymore. The pain of staying has surpassed the pain of leaving. If the simplest courtesy is too much, places me too high on his priority list, then I deserve better.

The little voice that screamed, "But what about me?" has screamed itself hoarse and is now wimpering in the corner with the rest of my soul. The battle bitch is out front, shielding the little one curled in the corner while I decide how much pain i can take from one person.

I cared for this man, trusted him with my body and my soul and he took it all as though it were his due and with no consideration for how i felt or what i needed in return. Now I think I need to break the bonds, mental, physical, and emotional before they break me.

I am worthy, I am worthwhile. I deserve better than to be treated as a nusiance or a convenience.

It all still hurts.....................

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.