Saturday morning

I'm about to go make deviled eggs for this evening's party. Friends of ours, S and P, are coming with us so I'll be adequately protected. S is 6'2" and about 250-275 and very protective of me. He's a very good friend.

I'm trying very had to not be worried or upset that I haven't heard from you since Tuesday. While I certainly do not expect detailed itineraries or explanations of your comings and goings I would appreciate a note or phone call if at all possible to let me know you'll be gone for an extended period of time. I recognize that your job limits your ability to tell folks your whereabouts, but a little, "I'm fine and will be back in a week" kind of note would certainly set my mind at ease.

There have been a lot of people in my life, especially lately, who have felt perfectly justified in using me and my giving nature to obtain what they wanted only to discard me when they had it. I admit I am paranoid and I hate feeling this way.

You weren't able to respond to any of my questions so I won't be wearing a collar this evening. I will be wearing an opaque top under my lace jacket and I won't be sending you pictures of what I looked like before we left for the event. The beginnings of relationships are hardest for me. I'm stilling finding the edges of acceptable behavior and I don't want to push over them. I'm trying so hard to be patient and keep my head up. My worth isn't tied to serving anyone, but my heart and soul are tied to service and I hate the idea that I might make mistakes where my heart and soul can be hurt again.