Thoughts for today

I've found myself thinking of you throughout the day. As I left the house to run errands and head for Fayetteville I hoped the message I planned to leave on your voice mail would be sufficient to explain why I did not call you back. I am sure I heard you say you'd call me, but of course I could be mistaken. I certainly wasn't deliberately disobeying you.

I've had a few very pleasant flashbacks from yesterday. One of the advantages to having an active imagination is my brain will choose pleasant experiences, especially intense physical experiences, and bring them back to me complete with all the phsyical sensations associated with the original experience. In the past, I've come close to orgasm a few times just from flashbacks.

I thought about what you said regarding the "nickname" and how you thought it was strange that I wouldn't call you Master, but I'd choose the welsh word for it. I'm not sure why I did that. I do know, that truth be told, I'm not all that comfortable with nicknames anyway. I have a tendency to call people by their full names...for example, Richard went by Rich when I met him. Now he use Richard because I call him that. If it wouldn't bother you immensely, I'd call you Terrance rather than Terry. It's just a quirk of being me, I suppose. Maye it comes from having a short name that can't be easily changed to anything else. Nicknames also sometimes strike me as a place for someone to hide the truth of themselves. I know that many people in the BDSM community use a nickname or screen name to protect their privacy, but I'm far more comfortable without them. I'm not saying I won't use a nickname for you (and I will tell you it will certainly be easier for me to write it than say it) but I will be honest and tell you it will take time before I am comfortable with it.

You know I am comfortable with Sir. Know, too, that should I refer to you for some reason in a venue where you are not open (ie. a submissive support group I belong to on Yahoo), I would never use your name. I would simply say, "my Sir."

I told you that I've never been collared. I've also always waited for permission--express permission--to refer to either me or the Dominant I was seeing as "together." I try not to presume.

I wonder what you are thinking as the day progresses. You ask me that same question fairly often and I answer honestly each time. Sometimes I really am thinking nothing. Other times my thoughts are too jumbled to express.

I hope you won't regret asking me to keep this journal. It is extremely helpful for me to be able to write these things down and know that evenutally you will read them and even respond to them.

I know I can be difficult and sometimes I ask a lot of questions. I hope you'll be patient with me as I am finding my place and learning my role and your rules.

Thoughts after waking

It was wonderful to see your responses. The communication is more important to me than I can adequately express.

As for the "moving too fast" fear from yesterday, most of that fear comes from past experience and knowing that when I like someone or like being with them, I hope. Sometimes that hope goes too far. I know that you have chosen me and asked me to be with you. I guess I thought finding someone, especially after that last fool, would take a little longer. I am not unhappy with the speed of things, it just makes my head spin a little bit and it may take some time for me to fully adjust.

As you noticed yesterday, I have trouble articulating verbally. Part of this comes from my recognition that, especially when I am upset, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the last thing I want to actually say. It takes time for me to put the thoughts together. If I hesitate before speaking, please understand that it is because I am thinking. Words are tools and I want to be sure I choose the best tools for the job at hand. Believe it or not, I'm a fairly conservative person who still clings to some of the "good girls don't" mentality left over from thirty years of societal conditionning. I have trouble saying certain words and I'm sure I blush furiously when talking about intimate things. With time will come comfort with you and that will lessen.

As for my nervousness yesterday, that may or may not fade quickly. It isn't you that makes me nervous, it's me. I don't want to disappoint you and so I am conscious of everything I do and say. That leaves me a little twitchy. I have never been with a Dominant who is as stern and strict as you, so I am afraid of misstepping. When I know the rules, I will be more comfortable. Think of it this way...if you took Brandon's cage from him, he would be lost and uncomfortable, right? That cage is his boundary. His space and his understanding of where he is supposed to be. Rules between us will do that for me. Once they are in place, I will calm down.

I'm sure I'll write more later. I'm still processing and thinking.

Questions to ask you

There is so much I don't know about you and I'm curious (okay, nosey). But I also respect your feelings about privacy. Perhaps the way to solve this is to ask that you share with me some of your past, your future plans, what you want from life in general.

I think right now, my brain is too scrambled to really do much more writing. I'll attack it again in the morning. It sometimes takes me days (and even weeks...there's a scene in my brain I still haven't processed) to process feelings, emotions and physcial responses to intense moments like those we shared this afternoon. In the morning, I'll have a clearer head and be better able to articulate my thoughts.
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shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:28 pm (local)

response
I will use your name to respond to these if I respond to them at all. I am very impressed. With the amount of work and thought you have put into all of this. If you want to know about my past and such..ask, if I do not want to share than I will tell you. By the way, who all can read these responses?
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shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:23 am (local)
Re: response
I'd love to know about your family, your past, your dreams and plans for the future. You mentioned you were married once...that piqued my curiosity. I'm nosey...sorry. I'm curious to know about you, what makes you who you are.
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Fears

The speed with which the relationship is progressing scares me a bit. It isn't that I don't want it to move forward, but I am gunshy and worried that without soe time to know each other we will find ourselves to be incompatible after I've begun to care for you.

I'm afraid to surrender completely because I don't know you yet. A part of me is still waiting for the ugly word or comment designed to strip my self-esteem and leave me vulnerable to manipulation. This isn't a comment on what I believe of you, merely a fear I carry from hard experience.

I'm afraid that my nature, which is to care for and about the people in my life, will scare you away.

I'm afraid that I will disappoint you. Perhaps you have a skewed vision of who I am and the truth will not be to your liking.

I have all of the fears I normally have when it comes to the beginning of a relationship...am I really going to be a part of your life or am I going to be a toy--forgotten when it isn't time to play? Will you find my idiosyncacies too much to deal with and walk away without another word?

I'm insecure because so many times I've trusted someone only to be hurt. The last man with whom I was talking and forming a relationship (I thought) told me he couldn't decide between a relationship with me or getting a used corvette. My last Dom treated me like a Wednesday afternoon fling, a toy to pack into his bag and use when he felt like it.

I may need some reassurances sometimes. Sometimes all I need is to hear the words, "Everything is okay and I'm still happy with you as a part of my life." I'll be sure to let you know when those times come.
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shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 04:47 pm (local)

response
Know that I will not be like the rest. I have an understanding of who you are and like I told you...the core of you is good....the rest will be molded to serve me. You will be my sub and I will treat you as we have discussed. There will be no forgetting you exist.........although alone time for me is not abandonment. So far you have impressed me extremely. Your ability and desire to please and serve is very impressive. If you think we are maybe moving to fast then you need to approach me with it. As I have yet to give you a name, I will just call you sub until we decide on one for you. Sub, I am your Master, your Lover, your Friend. Above all else your friend. When you offered yourself as my Sub and I accepted, I agreed to look after you and make sure you were safe. I would put my own life in the way to protect you. As you have seen already in my response to situation you were uncomfortable with that you asked my input on. That being said......KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!! Master
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shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:33 am (local)
Re: response
Well, I think we've covered most of this one elsewhere.

I absolutely understand the need for time alone. I am the same way. It is the weeks of no contact that I cannot handle. Again, these fears are MINE, not necessarily anything I think you would do.

Reasonable Rules

This is somewhat difficult for me to answer because I have never had "rules" before and so I don't really know what is or is not reasonable.
Well, this is what I thought of. Please let me know if this is what you had in mind.

Behavioral rules like where to sit/stand when we are together (I know you mentioned this several times, I think it's perfectly reasonable).
Definition and delineation of appropriate actions and speech for particular situations.
Phone calls and check-ins.
This journal.
Clothing and jewelry choices.

I'm sure I'll add to this list...this is all my tired brain can come up with this evening.
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shareinnc (66.57.220.217)
Aug. 19th, 2002 05:09 pm (local)

response
You know where you are to sit and stand.
You will always mind the manner and tone when you talk to me. When asked a question,, I am called Sir but it does not have to be Sir every other word.
Before you get in bed you will ask permission to enter, unless I tell you just to get in, and permission to leave. You will always be touching me at all times when at my side. Even if just to keep your hand on my ankle or wrist.
I will always have a fresh glass of ice water unless I specify differently. It will never be empty and it will never get old. Replace it if this occurs.
Check ins are not required yet...Only if I deam that they become neccisary
If I have told you to do something through out the day I may and will check. DO NOT DISSAPPOINT ME.
Journal....enough said.
These are just a few that I have answered. I will talk to you and dictate the rest to you. My Thoughts to you....Master


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shareinnc (67.251.119.119)
Aug. 20th, 2002 04:41 am (local)
Re: response
I'm fine with all of these. Perhaps I am misunderstanding your question... I thought I was to list those things which I found reasonable...You know, the blonde IS natural and sometimes it affects the brain :).

Thank you for the touching requirement...I find myself so much more comfortable when I am in physical contact with someone. And I'm a touchy person with people I like :).

You'll have to show me where things are in your home. The repair man is on his way now to fix our ice maker :).

I can't think of anything else and yet I get the feeling you are expecting something more from me on this one...it must be the hair...

Today's Events

T came over for lunch today.

I admit I was nervous. I'm not certain why exactly...just the usual jitters I suppose. I'm still worried I might do something, commit some major faux pas and send him running I suppose.

He met R and the two of them chatted for a while as I made the salads. R says he liked T, thought he was a nice man. This is a good thing.

My neck is sore. One of the first things T did was take a moment to do a few things he'd mentioned wanting to do for some time. He grasped my hair, pulled my head to the side and bit my neck HARD. I was a puddle at his feet. When he put his hand on my throat I melted even more. What an amazing sense of posession that act had. I must be honest and say it was a little scary, but I knew I was safe and relaxed right away.

I'm still processing and will write more later.

New addition to the family.

Well, it looks like we're going to add a new member to our family, and this one isn't furry and has only two legs :).

JJ spent the day here with R and they have hit it off. I think R is feeling a little strange because he likes JJ and thinks it will upset me. I'm actually pretty okay with it. So long as our marriage is first, as it is for me and with my relationship with JD, then there's no problem.

I liked JJ. We have a lot in common and she's a very sweet lady. She's very shy, but I'll help her get over that *weg*. It isn't official, but she asked about being R's sub before she left. R told her that if she wanted that, he did too, but that she should go home and think on it. That way, no waking up and wondering what the hell she'd gotten herself into.

I hope this works out for all of us.

Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.

I am asking myself if i am being selfish by hoping to speak with or hear via email from MasterJD. I keep telling myself that of course his family must come first and that I understand how busy he is right now, but that does not dim my disappointment when I don't hear anything at all from him in response to messages i've sent.
Then i begin to think that perhaps i should simply fade into the woodwork again. Quietly move back into the shadows, stop sending email to him or the list, stop working on the website, just disappear. Make it easier for him to deal with the important things in his life by eliminating a simple, secondary one.
Then i do talk to him and he sounds pleased to talk to me and assures me that i'm not being a pain in the ass and i feel good until i think about it again.
I know that i would enjoy exploring the D/s relationship with him. I also know that if we never scened again, i would like to remain his friend. I like this man, what he has shared of himself with me, and i'm not so rich with friends in this life that i could not use another.
As i've said before, i hate this part of a new relationship. The uncertainty makes me crazy. I feel like if i don't hear from him, it's because i'm bothering him (intellectually i know this isn't necessarily the case). If i contact him, i feel like i'm bothering him. I guess i just feel like a bother because i don't think i'm of enough import to make any noise or affect in his life right now.

i really hate the beginning of any kind of new relationship. There's always that annoying time period as each person involved in the relationship feels out the other person's boundaries and learns his or her excentricities. This is the hardest time for me because i have to walk a tight wire, balancing between my natural inhibitions and frigid tendencies and my need to be accepted by those around me.
i tend to be 'clingy' despite my every effort not to be. i know i do this and i try to tone it down, but i also know that many people are annoyed by it.
For so long i was the silent one sitting in the corner of the room, shielding myself from everyone with veneer of ice and hostility. In relationships where distance isn't an option, i find myself overcompensating to make up for my discomfort.
If i've done everything within my realm of control to ensure that someone knows i'm open and friendly and likeable and they still stomp on my heart and soul, i can comfort myself with the thought that "i did everything i could." This has been my only line of defense for the past several years. i'm not saying it works, because it really doesn't, but until i find an alternative, or until i find those people in the world like me (those who are exactly as they appear), it's the only thing i've got.
i know i'm not an easy person to deal with on a daily basis. i can be demanding, argumentative, neurotic, and pushy. But burried beneath those surface annoyances is someone who is truly concerned with the welfafe of those she cares about. The demanding, argumentative, and pushy bitch is there fighting for what is best for those she considers friends and family. The neurotic is just me, sorry...stuck with that one :).
At the begginning of a new realtionship, be it strictly friendship or more involved, all parties are struggling with what to share and what to hold close to the vest. In a relationship that asks for my unwavering trust, such as between a Dom and a sub, so many more variables come into play.
I'm inherently insecure. i have trouble finding value in my own company and often wonder why people bother with me. When someone hurts me, whether it be the primary relationship or tangential, i push EVERYONE away. The walls go up, the bridges are burned and i retreat to that shell where the cold bitch sits guard while the real me cries her eyes out and wonders why people lie to each other.
i want so very much to trust MasterJD. i sincerely want our new relationship to build from these first tentative steps to a lasting friendship (one with extra benefits is always nice, but a good friend is worth more than anything else). Because i want this so much, i feel myself pushing, seeking approval, asking for more than i have any right to expect. i'm afraid that one day He'll look at me and say something ugly, turn on a heel and never look back like so many others have in my life. This fear isn't a reflection of what i think of His personality or integrity, it is a reflection of my own insecurities. I'm afraid that by opening myself to Him, daring to trust Him, i'm once again setting myself up for destruction.
These expectations aren't fair to Him and i apologize now. This journal is meant as a place for me to work out my emotions, fears, concerns, and ideas, so i'm doing that. This is the place for me to write the things i have trouble saying because the words catch in my throat.
I know i've rambled and made little sense.