The Letter

This is the letter I drafted to JD. I haven't sent it yet. I'm pretty sure I will, but I want to think about it for a bit first.

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You lying sack of shit! I cannot believe that I trusted you when not a single word that ever came out of your mouth was the truth! What gives you the right to hurt people, to lie to them, to deliberately play upon their good nature just so you can get laid? You are the worst form of low level life I have ever come across. Did it turn you on when I cried, is that why you intentionally set out to hurt me from the moment we met?
Did you love the fact that a single word from you was enough to make me cry. Did you get your rocks off when you knew I cried and worried for DAYS when your phantasmal girlfriend slit her wrists? Did it matter to you that I blamed myself for another human being's pain? Obviously not.
I know you are still married. I know there is no Susan. I know that you continued to spend time with Gloria. I know that every word you ever said to me was a LIE! No wonder you were so afraid of anyone knowing of me. You were cheating on your wife and stood a very real chance of losing everything you found important over getting laid.
I hope you enjoyed it, you sorry excuse for a man. I've NEVER, not even when we were swinging and the men couldn't keep it up, been with a lover as selfish as you. No wonder you had no problem treating me like a whore. All you ever wanted was a fuck and you didn't have to pay me. Instead, you got the added bonus of a woman with a giving nature who filled your toybag for you. I pray to God and Goddess that no other woman ever falls for your line of bullshit. I'd rather see my hard work ROT than to know you laid a hand on anyone else and lied to another unsuspecting soul.
I was the sinking ship, right? I was the one the local community considered a pariah. Guess what, asshole, your goose is cooked. No submissive who knows anyone in the lifestyle is ever going to believe you ever again. You fucked up. Enough people know the truth now and have seen the pain you inflicted on one of your victims. No one is going to allow you to do it to anyone else.
What gave you the right to destroy my emotional well being? I keep coming back to the supposed suicide attempt. That is the single cruelest thing anyone has EVER done to me. You allowed me to believe that because of my weakness, my inaction, another human being attempted to take their life. You let me believe that, all the while knowing that 1) there was no girlfriend in the first fucking place and 2) the whole story was just something you made up to get out of keeping a promise to me. How dare you intentionally harm anyone's emotional well-being just so your wife and kids wouldn't find out about your fuck on the side?
I confused the hell out you, didn't I? I was HONEST to a fault. I told you and my husband everything and you didn't know how to deal with that. But for some reason you decided you wanted me, wanted something from me. Was I convenient? Was that it? Or was it because I reminded you of your WIFE? You sick son of a bitch. Can't fuck your wife as much as you want (or at all since she's so sick all the time) so you went out and found a woman who reminded you of her and fucked her over.
I hope you've enjoyed yourself. I hope you smiled every time you remembered what I did for you, every blow job, every abortive attempt at sex, every premature ejaculation, every blow you laid upon my skin. I hope you enjoyed it because Karma is a bitch. I was willing to just let it go and let the universe deal with you and the lies I knew about. Part of my faith is acting in accord, doing what I can to help the Divine bring justice and return the balance. Know that I will make sure no unsuspecting woman ever falls for your lies again. I will be sure to tell anyone who asks that you are a liar and a cheat. And I will turn to the Divine and ask for justice.
I pray your children never learn what a horrible man their father is. Don't worry, I'd never bring your family into your own pool of shit as you go down. I care too much about your children to ever hurt them. But someday your daughter is going to look for a husband. Do you really want her to find one "just like her Daddy?"
Stay the hell away from me. You don't deserve the energy I've already put into this email and it is the last thing you'll ever get from me.

Over, done, finis

That's it...it's all over.

In the middle of an IM discussion yesterday, JD told me to email him a list of the things I want returned. I begged him to talk to me, to explain what the hell was going on, but all I got was the same cryptic bullshit he's always given me. Suffice it to say he's holding me responsible for information he admits I don't have. He claims that my husband and I are becoming pariahs in the local community and he doesn't plan to go down with our "sinking ship." He won't tell me what's going on in the community, just that people have been telling him things about us.

You know what? Fuck him! He lied to me, I forgave him. He hurt me, I forgave him. I not only forgave him, I let him convince me that it had all been in my head. I wasn't even worth an explanation. I went against the wishes of my husband to go back to him the last time and he couldn't even be bothered to explain what the hell was going on despite his obvious understanding that I have no idea. He wouldn't even call me or let me call him, he did all of this in Yahoo fucking Messenger.

I will find a Dominant man who is interested in a real relationship. A Dominant man who won't tell me he's afraid to care for me too deeply because I'm married (even when he knows we're poly). A Dominant man who won't treat me like a toy that must be hidden in the toybag when he doesn't want to play with it. A Dominant man who will make me part of his life instead of treating me like a dirty secret.

I'm exhausted and my heart hurts so much that I can barely breathe. I was betrayed by people who I believed to be friends. You can bet I won't be trusting anyone again soon. And if I get my hands on the loud-mouthed bitch who betrayed my trust, you better bet I'm going to rip her a new one. I looked beyond what everyone said about her, believing that it was a case of no one being willing to move beyond the past. I welcomed this woman into my home and she repays my hospitality and friendship by spouting off to JD about things I believed were said in confidence the last time I was ready to dump his ass. None of it was anything I didn't later say to him, it is the principle of it.

I'm so angry that I just don't know what to do.

It's done

I finally heard from JD on Saturday morning. Apparently, I am simply too complicated for him and demand too much emotional bonding for him to be comfortable. I told him I deserved better and asked when I might pick up the books he borrowed from me.


I refuse to believe that what I ask--love, affection, consideration, and care--are too much to ask in return for the same from me. I told him that I had given him all of myself, had not withheld anything from him and what I offered still wasn't enough for him to feel as though returning some of it might be warranted.

I will find someone who doesn't think I'm too complicated, someone who will be glad to have my love and submission, rather than someone with whom I must feel like a convenient toy. I am worth more and I deserve better than I received for the past five months.