Thoughts for today

• Jan. 20th, 2006 at 9:10 AM

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.”

~Booker T. Washington

I was thinking this morning of a discussion J and I had in the car yesterday and how I'm having difficulty with something. This quote on success struck a chord with me because of it.

J wants me to verbalize my wants and needs (okay, so he wants me to beg him...minor difference when the issue is actually the verbalization). 

For my entire life, I have subjugated my wants and needs for those of the people around me. I will go without to be certain those I'm caring for have enough. I will push my desires back in order to help those around me find their own. This behavior has been a part of my life longer than I have been in service or understood what that meant. As an only child, I played alone...jumping up from what I was doing to answer my mother's call when she needed help. When I got three sisters at the age of 11 (my mother remarried after divorcing my father), my wants and needs took the back seat to those of my sisters' because I tried to keep the peace in my mother's house.

In addition to years of patterned behavior, each time I have put forth my wants and needs and held fast to them, I have been hurt by those from whom I requested that my needs and wants be heard. Any time I have held fast to a position because it was in MY best interest, anyone else affected by my decision has been angry and hurt (because I teach people it's okay to ignore my wants and needs in favor of their own).

And in the past when I have asked that my needs be met, more often than not, I was told no.

All of these factors make up the issue at hand. While I could think the words J wanted to hear me say on Wednesday night, I couldn't get them past my lips. I cannot seem to simply say, “Please, Sir. I would very much like ____.” It feels selfish to me. I spend so much time considering other factors that I actually make things worse by waiting than had I simply spoken up in the first place.

Case and point: Wednesday Night
J was leaving on Thursday for a four day trip. I desperately wanted to be close to him, be held by him and be f*cked silly before he left. At the time I was thinking these things, I’m looking at him, seeing how tired he is, knowing how exhausting the last week and a half has been, knowing how drained he is from being in top space for so much of that time. I’m thinking to myself it would be selfish to ask for these things because he needs to be cared for so he can be fresh and revitalized for his trip.

In my mind, I can form the request. But it never makes it from my brain to my lips because somewhere in my brain a switch is thrown which blocks all such communication if I believe I am asking for selfish reasons.

I try not to be needy. Especially in a new relationship. I don’t want to be a burden to people and yet I know that my refusal to share these things with J is a problem. It tacitly demonstrates a failure to trust that he will consider my request with honest thought and consideration. The thing is, I know that isn’t true. J has never given me one reason to distrust him or to believe he would turn away a true need out of hand.