The motivation to maintain hatred

Feb. 4th, 2006 at 8:04 AM

This morning I am trying desperately to understand the motivation to hate...

Just after New Years I met a man whose company I enjoy immensely. When we met, he indicated he was a member of a local group begun several years ago (immediately after I left) by my ex-husband. I was clear about who I was and that I was likely unwelcome in the group. I was assured such would not be the case as my ex-husband was really only tangentially involved in the group anymore.

Since that time, I have made it as clear as possible that I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. When I offered my home to host an event because it was larger than the usual venue, I was clear that my ex and his new wife were absolutely welcome in my home. When the man I am seeing asks me about my ex I am honest and most of the time my discussions center on hoping the ex is happy and doing better than we did together. As the man I'm seeing often says about relationships which end, "Bad stuff happens to good people."

Yesterday it seems my ex discovered my connection to the group. He'd already made it clear he was leaving the group for reasons unconnected to me, but when he discovered my connection he made it absolutely clear he'd leave in order to not be associated with me.

Understand that we've been divorced for three years. My ex is fast approaching his second (or is it third?) wedding anniversary with his new wife. The only contact I've had with the ex in the last year was initially prompted by him and was as vitriolic as our communication has been since I left. In general we do simply avoid each other.

It would seem, however, that no matter what, he intends to maintain hostility. You would think after this much time he'd have moved on. I would hope his new marriage is happy enough that the thought of seeing me in a social situation wouldn't cause him to sever ties with a social group he enjoyed. But such is apparently not the case.

Despite a concerted effort on my part to keep the peace and help everyone else in this admittedly strange situation be comfortable, I will once again be the "evil b*tch" who drove my ex away from something he loved. I am happy and secure in my relationship and I was truly hoping the ex was as well so we could be adults and manage to be nice in a social situation should it arise.