Mulling things over

Jun. 7th, 2006 at 9:16 AM

I have gotten some substantial comments from the post I made on Monday night and I first wanted to let folks know that I'm not ignoring anyone. I truly appreciate the feedback...it's just taking some time to process it.

The post from Monday was pretty free-form and was really the first I've written about the highly emotional things which began in Phoenix. There are still a few things too tender for me to write about yet...a little distance makes things much more manageable when they're that big.

Also, that post got stopped (I was writing while students worked on an in-class assignment) before it was truly done.

Some things I'm working on and with:

1. Standing up and saying I need something and facing the fear that I'll be told no or what I want isn't important.
Fear is my worst enemy and I know that. Truthfully after APEX and the weekend after that, J and I had a long talk (part of which is the stuff above I'm just not ready to write about). One of the things we talked about and subsequent behavior has shown he heard was that little reassurances make an enormous difference to my state of mind. Knowing he heard and has incorporated what he heard into things makes it much easier for me to ask for things now than it was previously.
2. Accepting and believing in the value placed on my service.
Sometimes I let myself get overwhelmed or over-utilized. J has told me over and over how much he values me and my service. I need to believe him. I also need to believe him when he tells me that it's okay to let him know when I have too much on my plate.
3. Learning to stop isolating myself.
This is something which has come up a few times between me and J. Yes, good service is often invisible, but I need to stop making myself invisible. I need to trust my station and position and stand up for it rather than always stepping back and away.
4. Reminding myself of what others have told me previously and most recently in relation to Monday's post...It is my responsibility to give J my thoughts, feelings, etc. so he can decide what to do with or about them.
This one is so hard for me to let go of. I have spent so much of my life weighing what I need against the needs of others and short changing my own needs because they weren't "important" enough. I know I need to give J the right to say yes or no to me and that by not sharing things with him I am robbing him of that right. I know that...really...R beat that into my head a few months ago and I got it again yesterday (thank you so much, btw...still processing that entire email which has now been forwarded).

Ultimately I guess I need to say this: I'm generally very happy where I am. I have the normal, everyday frustrations which come with any relationship which are sometimes compounded by the power exchange and sometimes lifted by it. Other than that...I'm just figuring stuff out as it comes along and since this relationship is so unlike any other I've ever shared with anyone, surprises smack me from time to time. The way I felt in Phoenix was one of those times.

Thanks again for the feedback. I'm going now to work on some stuff and those who sent feedback will hear from me :).