What goes through my mind...

Jul. 5th, 2006 at 10:29 AM

A lot of things have been rolling around in my brain lately. A lot of those things make me cry and/or make me sad and leave me wondering what I'll do next.

I didn't want to fall in love. I fought it for as long as I could because I didn't want the pain again. Every time I've opened my heart and sould I've been hurt so I tried to separate myself, divide myself...servant and woman...two different things. But love was demanded nearly as much as obedience and so I trusted and I loved. And now I cry, again...

I used the dreaded "f" word several times recently...It isn't fair...I was shown that what I'd dreamed of, what I'd thought could only exist in fantasy was possible...that I could live as a slave and be happy doing it...nothing less than that will ever be enough again and I can hate hinm for showing me that and taking it away.

I guess I really don't know how to hold back any part of myself. I really am a kind of all or nothing person.

I keep wondering if I'm the only sucker in the mess. If everyone but me knew my life, position, and relationship had changed...and everyone else was just waiting for me to wake up and realize it.

And I can't seem to shake that last ugly question...what the hell is wrong with me that what I offer (despite being everything I am and have to give) is never enough?