I've been feeling resentful and angry for a while. J sleeps all day and fucks around on the computer when he's awake, leaving me to worry about getting things done for world in addition to the daily grind of incessently cleaning up after him (he refuses to throw anything away, just leaves piles of crap for me to pick up), cook, clean etc.

Last evening he decides finally to go to Lowes to scope out display options for vending. In the car he starts talking to me about the man who killed himself. We get to lowes and as we're walking up to the store i see activity that looks like the store is on the verge of closing. I phased out on half a sentence and asked him to repeat it. He refused and then chose to not speak to me again while we were in lowes, in the car, in the ice cream shop (because I'd mentioned in the house that Coldstone made something he'd like and while I didn't want ice cream I thought he would) and until about 20 minutes after we got home when he finally asked what was wrong with me.

If he'd never made me repeat myself because whatever he saw on his fucking computer screen was so much more important than what I could possibly be saying to him, I could understand getting annoyed that I missed half a sentence.

So I tell him I'm tired of being shut out. That because I lost half a sentence he decided not to talk to me anymore. I get "It's not the easiest topic for me to talk about and I was ready to quit talking about it then." He didn't really speak to me the rest of the night.

The dog is sleeping between us on the couch. He starts playing with him and then says, "Go get mommy. Mommy needs love." I sure as fuck do and I most certainly didn't want or need it from the fucking dog right then.

I spent about half an hour crying in the bathroom...even ran a bath and soaked in the hot water while I cried. I come out and sit at my computer and he gets up, rifles through the box of metal restraints that arrived earlier that day.

"It's been a while since you felt like a slave, hasn't it" is all he says before putting handcuffs on me and a heavy stainless steel color. Then he walks away, sits down with his computer again and says "go about your business."

Well, if being uncomfortable and having even the smallest thing be an inconvenience (ever attempt to type with handcuffs on? I was taking an order from a friend online) is what it feels like to be a slave, then, no, it hasn't been very long since I last felt that way. I feel that way every fucking day.

I finally give up on the computer when the order is complete and the friend signs off. I go and sit on the couch. After a phone call, I get "rub my feel" a lovely thing to try to do with handcuffs on. Since that seems to be the only human contact I have with him anymore, I do it. The foot rub abruptly stops the moment fucking kathryn signs on because I have to get up to "check my mail" for registrations for nc edge. The result of her "passing out flyiers and having about 30 people say they were going to sign up after a party she went to"? Not a fucking one...still none this morning as a matter of fact. Something I could have told him without having to get up. By the time I give him the "tally" he's curled his feet up and is engrossed with chatting with kathryn on the computer. I'm relegated back to my space on the other end of the couch.

After I doze off a couple times on the couch he sends me to bed...with the cuffs and collar on. I lay there for an hour until my hands have fallen asleep but I haven't and go back to the living room to ask that he please take the cuffs off. He argues with me until he feels my hands and how cold they are. Then it's back to bed where I lay for another half hour before I finally give up, get up and take a sleeping pill.

I don't know what his purpose for this exercise was. But if it was to make me feel even more isolated and distant, it worked wonders. If it was to once again point out that I am nothing more than a convenience and toy, it was highly successful.