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~Thomas H. Huxley
Interesting that I came across this quote right after writing about hesitating to ask J for what I want or need. "Act decidedly and take the consequences…" it's an important thought for me.
R and I spoke at length last night regarding my difficulties in expressing my wants and needs and he made a point that I hadn't previously considered. Each time I fail to speak up, I take away J's right to make a decision…in essence, I make the decision for him. I don't like thinking that my silence is manipulative, but in truth, it really is. I am manipulating the situation in such a way that only my thoughts and considerations are taken into account. By choosing to stay silent, I take from J his right to make decisions in the relationship. I am usurping his position in the power exchange.
I'm ashamed that this point of view did not occur to me. It took another submissive person to point out to me how controlling my behavior was. As long as I have been at this, been in this type of mindset, been involved in power exchange relationships and I simply never thought of it as controlling. I truly believed I was working in the best interest of the person I was serving by not being demanding.
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Part of me sees my naked form, thinner than it has been in a very long time, displayed before mostly strangers as I clung to the bookshelf. Part of me can see J behind me, knowing the way his body moves as he begins to fly. Part of me can hear and see the onlookers, can discern the apprehension from the youngest members of the audience.
I can still hear him telling me to turn. I can still see him staring into my own eyes as the single tail continued to snake out toward me. I can still feel the profound trembling in my entire body and the force of will it took to bring it under some semblance of control at J's command.
He told me later that when he saw me trembling he'd wanted to beat me to my knees but chose not to in order to keep from scaring the two women we'd gone to meet that night. I don't know how to feel about that particular statement other than to know that I would have taken that beating for and from him without protest.
He gives me safewords for these types of scenes (or at least he did for this one). And while what he did to me hurt, I wasn't yet to the point of using them. The tears came quickly and more vehemently when I lost my focus. The single-tail stung but didn't hurt as much as I had expected it to. I know he held back (he didn't break the skin) but it helps my fear a lot to feel it the way I did, see the marks it left, and know it wasn't as bad as my imagination made it to be.
Pain is not something I can translate into pleasure as some people can. I can only focus on it and work through it. I don't fly the way some submissives/masochists talk about flying…I never have. I can only reach for the connection between me and the top and use it to hold onto and come back to when it is through.
I also talked to J about the difference in emotional response I have between being hit with something like a flogger or a single-tail and being hit with his hands. The implements hurt far more, but the emotional toll of being hit with his hands is far more painful. And, as I told him, it isn't as though I believe he's angry with me. Instead there is a level of detachment between the user and the used when an implement comes between them. If he slaps me or hits me with his hands, that detachment is removed. The action is far more personal.
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