Cross another off the list

Feb. 12th, 2006 at 7:42 PM


02112006-cutting
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. of "Never been done..."

This is my first cutting. J cut this flower and his scene name into my left shoulder blade last night.

It HURT...it still hurts...but at the same time it was an amazing experience.

He talked to me as he was getting ready to do this. He talked about the intimate connection between him and me when he put a scalpel in my skin. Then he told me how hard it suddenly was to begin cutting me...how much he cared about me...I think I'm still processing, but I wanted to post this. I'll write more later.


Ok…time to write about the cutting…still feeling like I’m processing, so I have to write it out.

I asked him about it today…asked if it was planned and he said no. It was a way to connect to me, to scene with me and me alone…and ostensibly to mark me as his, I suppose.

Originally he took me up to the play room, laid me down and was rubbing my back a bit…talking to me about things. He asked if I watched the scene he’d done earlier and I told him no. I explained I had been feeling disconnected and could not watch him be that violent when I felt that way. We talked about why I felt disconnected and I think it was then that he decided to do the cutting. He told me to get a blanket and pillows and music and to make sure my back was available to him.

I did so and lay down to wait. He came back up and laid the scalpel and alcohol rub next to me, then went back downstairs. I spent a long time staring at that scalpel. I kept thinking “Freaking out won’t stop this or make it any better…be calm and it will be ok. Trust him.”

He came back eventually with the rest of the stuff needed and then talked to me…asked me if I wanted this…asked me if I wanted to be able to see him (I did) while he worked. He positioned me and then told me not to move, no matter what.

He lay down next to me then and held the scalpel. He looked at me and the transfer and then told me how hard it was to start cutting me. He told me how important I was to him. How much he cared about me. It helped to ease me down a bit to hear these things.

The cutting burned as he pulled the scalpel through my skin. Sometimes it hurt a lot, sometimes it didn’t really hurt at all. A few people came up and watched a moment or two, but soon after he began, J and I were alone. It was almost surreal as J moved around my body, talked to me a little…letting me know when the longer cuts would happen. He held me down sometimes, told me not to move, but mostly I remember him being close to me, feeling his skin against mine, knowing this cutting was important to him…he wanted it to be pretty for me.

The worst of the pain came when after cleaning off the transfer ink J slapped the cutting to bring up the blood to check for missed spots. That was when I cried.

By Monday, the cutting no longer hurt. It’s burned on and off a few times, but no more pain. I’ve found myself touching it from time to time, just to feel how it’s shaped…almost a touch-stone.