I don't know how to do it right

Jul. 2nd, 2006 at 4:32 AM

I don't know how to separate my service and my emotions. I don't know how to find enough in service to be whole without having my emotional and even physical needs met. And right now I don't know how to stop crying.

I've cried nearly all day. And when I wasn't crying, I was trying not to cry because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to ruin anyone else's weekend. I don't want my pain to be anyone else's problem.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep because when I lay down all I can think about is being alone in this basement...the only person in the house sleeping alone because everyone else here is with someone who loves them.

I just want to go home. I want to get in the car and drive right now...leave everything that hurts here and start over again. Take the "I told you so's" from my mother and my friends and start all over again.

I can't do this. I really believed I could. I like these women so much but I deserve to be loved not just appreciated for what I can do. I DESERVE THAT...i deserve that...i deserve that.