This weekend's revelations have left me in a place I find unclear and deeply sad. I don't know what to do now.

I figure my options really are these:
Go on as we have been, giving my service without having certain physical and emotional needs met, until my spirit is broken enough for me to just let go.
Find ways to get those physical and emotional needs met outside my primary relationship and continue to serve him.
End it and go back to my solitary existance while I search for someone else who will likely take my service but find some reason why I would not be enough to fulfill his needs and therefore put me in the same position I am in now.
I was thinking yesterday that maybe if he'd be willing to be a little more affectionate, be willing to let me find a lover from time to time I could do this by not going with him when he visited with Lady V, but each time I thought this the rational part of me who isn't aching because my heart is broken says, "but that's just temporary...what are you going to do when he marries her?"

I don't want to end up living in someone else's basement, used for the service I provide and forgotten when service isn't needed.

The worst of all this is the emotional lie I've lived. I didn't make this relationship what it is to me without his input. At some point he chose to change the relationship and didn't tell me. I felt the emotional distance and I asked about it but I was assured that everything was fine...but then he stopped being affectionate. He stopped touching me, just kind of wandered off.

He kept asking me, "Are you okay with my relationship with Lady V." as though he'd given me enough information about that relationship to know whether I was okay or not. I remember sitting on the couch before he left for Lady V's birthday and he "slipped" and said he'd fallen head over heels for her. My heart broke in front of him and he immediately stammered...I didn't mean it THAT way.

I should have known...should have done something when I overheard him say something about marrying Lady V on the phone to someone. It isn't even that I want to marry him...I really don't think I'll ever marry again...but to know his heart was that far gone from me...that I'd never have what I believed our relationship to be from the beginning...

I know, too, that none of this is Lady V. It could have been anyone and I'd be just as devistated. I guess that as much as service means to me...being "just a slave" isnt' going to work for me. I want, need and deserve to be loved...not just appreciated.

I keep fighting that ugly question...what is wrong with me that the men I choose find me lacking after only a short time...that they feel compelled to go outside the relationship to find things without talking to me and finding out whether or not I can offer the same or similar things.

I actually understand his need to be with other dominants and understand the attraction of a dominant woman. And had he not removed the physical and emotional ties to me when he formed them with Lady V, this issue would be moot.

I'm not even angry right now...just indescribably sad. I keep trying to untangle my life from him and keep finding new ways I can't. My heart can't take him living in this house but I can't throw him out either. What would happen with NC Edge (I have all the money...I'd never keep it). What about the businesses? What about the order we need to send out?

In the car on the way home yesterday he offered to help me find another master. I think that was the saddest thing I've heard him say. He'd "help" this new master with skills, etc...take him under his wing...as though that would make it better that it wasn't him.

It would be so much easier to hate him. To be a bitch and throw him out of my house and my life and let him find his own way. But I can't do that. At the same time each time I look across the room and see him I want to cry. I can't live like that.

So i've come full circle. I don't know what to do.