I had an unexpected problem on Monday night that bothered me on several levels. I left for work around 4:15 and came back at about quarter to 8. I immediately made dinner. Bear in mind that at this point, K has been in my home as a guest since Saturday afternoon when she arrived and other than helping me carry things in from the car did little to help get the house ready for the party.

As dinner was cooking I walked through the house and put a few things away…I found J’s belt in the bedroom so I assumed they had played while I was gone. I was a little annoyed because hey, someone might have done the dishes or something while I was at work, but whatever.

Right after dinner, however, I saw something that made me cry. That horribly heavy collar I’d made several years ago to T’s design…the one I wore with him and from which hung an ownership tag…was on the couch.

I saw leather and metal sticking out of a blanket, so I went over to see if it was cuffs (J doesn’t seem to like cuffs much but I was hoping). I’m fairly certain J saw me do this. Then I went into the bathroom and cried. I hadn’t expected it to bother me. I’d offered to loan the collar to R. I didn’t care if clients wore it. But that moment of thinking J had put it on K really hurt me.

When I stopped crying, I took the dog for a walk because I wasn’t ready to deal with the issue yet and didn’t want to do it in front of K at all. When I got back from walking the dog, K was leaving and J and I talked.

I told him I hadn’t expected it to bother me and that was why I hadn’t brought up the origin of that collar. He explained he hadn’t thought for a moment I would have worn something that bulky or heavy. He also told me he’d only used it to hold a blanket over K’s head as a hood, that there’d been no symbolism. Then he told me he’d leave that collar alone…not use it for anything. I’d mentioned taking it apart…destroying it…and he said it would be a waste to do that, but that he’d never use it again.

I’m trying very hard to keep the jealousy monster at bay. I get so much more time with him. I get a much more rounded relationship with him. But sometimes I get resentful of being the only one doing the domestic work, the business work, the work in general when K is here.

I also try not to feel jealous when J plays with K. Our relationship is different…He tells me I don’t feed his demons in the same ways (not that the sadistic side isn’t fed with me, just that they don’t need feeding as often when he’s with me). But I admit to feeling it sometimes.

I also admit to annoyance with K yesterday as she’s telling J about a cutting she wants him to do for her…she’s designed it and wants his initial in it (J, not s2n). The “one-upmanship” kind of stuff like that annoys the daylights out of me. J is trying very hard to be fair about his time and interaction with the two of us when K is around. On Saturday, he did pressure point play with K and teased and played with her on and off all evening while I was playing Suzie Hostess to the other twenty people in the house. Then he did the scene with Joyful. My cutting was not planned but was his way of connecting with me and spending some one-on-one time with me without having to beat on me.

Now, despite the play on Saturday, the constant fighting on Sunday and whatever play they had on Monday while I went to WORK, K feels it’s necessary to ask for a cutting from him.

I know part of this is my own issue with asking for what I want, but at the same time can I not just enjoy what J has done for me without her immediately needing the same from him? Can she not just leave it be? Let me have what I have from him as I let her have what she has with him?

This was something I always hated about the addition of step-sisters to my life when I was 11. Suddenly there was the issue of what would be fair and generally I was the one who was shorted because I wouldn’t complain about it.

I know I’m just whining now so I better stop. This is counter productive anyway. J will do what he wants and anything I say on this particular issue is going to sound harpy-ish and jealous.