Possession and Control

These are thoughts that came to me as I was waking up this morning.

I love the feeling of being posessed. A hand in my hair, pulling my head back will make me melt. Add a bite to the exposed neck and I'm jelly from head to toe.

I keep having flashbacks of you above and inside me, clasping my hands above my head. Utter and complete posession with the added bonus of control. The fact that you were asking me questions at the time, forcing me to think beyond the physical sensation, made the reality of your control over me even more vivid.

There was a similar sensation of posession when you told me to grasp the bed frame. I'm slowly learning the art of verbal bondage...the desire to remain mentally bound by a Dominant's command. There was a time when I was incredibly uncomfortable without actual bonds, but I am passing that and actually enjoying the mental bondage.

I'm a sensual person...stimulating all of my senses will bind me far better than any rope. The sound of your voice, a rough whisper or a low question, is part of what brings me to that submissive place. I've always been affected by sounds.

Anyway, I'm sure more of this will come to me at a later point in the day. I'll write more when it does. I'm missing you and hoping to hear from you very soon.

Feb. 2nd, 2002 at 7:28 PM

JD and I finally had a chance to talk yesterday. The basic outcome of the conversation was that he was not going anywhere and my jealousy was hypocritical at best.

After his assurances that he wasn't going to pass me over for a new sub, I have to admit that I felt a lot better. In all, i think that had he talked to me like he did yesterday when I originally asked him about gloria, I would have been okay from the start.

I'm terribly insecure and I was afraid that this new friend would disappear from my life if anyone else came in right now.

We also talked about expectations and boundaries. He now knows he can actually call me and say he wants to see me and I can do the same.

We spent this morning/afternoon together. Mostly we talked and got to know each other even better. We did a lot of touching and some mid-level play. It was definitely enjoyable :). Then we went shopping together at Sams. It was nice to spend some "normal" time with him in public. He really is a very nice man with a twisted sense of humor.

Things are going better and i feel more secure. R is trusting us both and is okay with what happened today. We're all making progress.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

I'm up late again, unble to sleep. I'm worried about how strongly Louis's question affected me this afternoon.
The sharp stab of jealousy was brief. The immediate rise of pain was more troublesome. Why should the thought of JD taking another sub, for whatever reason, cause me such pain? He's not my husband. We've barely had a moment to discuss what it means to him that he is "my Dom," so i can't even really claim that he is.
In fact, there is nothing that ties us together other than two brief encounters.
I think i'm feeling ungrounded right now. It seems as though i am reaching for something that I shouldn't need and even if i did need it, it isn't there.
I'm probably way too tired to be writing this now. I don't think i'm making much sense. I think what i really need is to talk to JD about limits, boundaries, expectations and lines in the sand. Perhaps then I will be able to grasp the earth again, rather than floating about, wondering where the other end of my tether is.

This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.