Things I will not do or be again...

I think about what I want from my life fairly often. Those thoughts almost always lead me to those things I do NOT want for myself ever again. Here is a brief list (subject to change at any time).

1. I will not be a secret. If you want me in your life, you must be willing to share me and my position in your life with the rest of the people in your life. I don't expect you to tell your child I serve you, but your child should know I'm more than just your friend (if they are of an appropriate age to know such things). Same goes for friends, family and colleagues. If you can't say I'm important to you to those around you, I'm not and I refuse to be in that position again.
2. I will not be an afterthought. I don't have to be number one on your priority list, but I refuse to be last.
3. I will not be a "back-up plan" in case the relationship you pursued first doesn't work out. If you don't want me to be part of your life simply for what I am, and aren't willing to give me what I need in a relationship, then I don't want you in mine.
4. I will not be the workhorse while everyone else in your life gets to have fun. This is NOT a new refusal of position, but one that seems to be resurfacing. I don't want to do all the work in the relationship, especially a poly relationship, and be stuck working my ass off while everyone else in the relationship gets to play and relax. If you want my help on a project, say so, but don't expect to drop the whole thing on me when there are others, yourself included, who need to contribute.
5. I will not be celibate while you fuck anything that moves. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt in a raging ritual by the light of the new moon.
1. Addendum: I do not want a relationship devoid of sexual and non-sexual contact. If you don't want to touch me, be touched by me, or give two shits about the needs I have, fuck off.
2. I do not have casual sex and I will not be flattered if you choose to have sex with others in such a way that I have no choice but to interpret your actions as being unable to wait for the whole package since the urge to get your dick wet is much stronger than any desire you might have for a relationship with me.
6. I will not settle. I know what I want. I want a service relationship that also meets my emotional needs. I have spent time to clearly articulate those needs and I expect the one I serve to read what I've written as we negotiate and be HONEST if they are unwilling to meet those needs.
7. I will not be an "also ran," while you pursue someone else. If you don't want me for me, don't trail me along while you're waiting to see if the one you actually want decides if they are willing to give you what I have freely offered. 
1. As a part of this one, I will not be part of your harem...the lady in waiting while you fuck the one you want while waiting to see if that person is willing to fulfill all parts of what you want from them or are only willing to be a piece of ass.
8. I will not serve only in pieces. Either you want me, the whole package, or you don't. I am not a Chinese Combination Platter. You don't get to choose one from column A and two from column B. 

I realize this sounds bitter, but it is a truthful statement of the situations I have found myself in during past relationships and of what I refuse to ever deal with again.

Thoughts and Observations

Something I read on an announcement on Fet yesterday stirred up a ton of thoughts for me. Thoughts of the how and why and what does it matter. 

The post talked about "distinguished authors" in the community and my first thought was, "how does one get to be a distinguished author in the community?" Then, "Who decides which authors are distinguished and which are not?" And finally, "What are the criteria?"

Ultimately, the answers to these questions are irrelevant.  I never sat down to write a book with the intent of becoming a distinguished author. I wrote my books to share knowledge in a way I wished had been available when I first came to the community. 

One of my books was once nominated for an award, but I would be willing to bet not one person currently curating the "distinguished authors" in the community was aware of the book or me...possibly not even the award. 

Knowing this about myself and my books, led me toward another path of thought. I am, for all intents and purposes, invisible in this community. No matter what I've done, what causes I've supported with time or money, what books I've written, classes I've presented, clubs I've owned, events I've put on, there has always been someone who took credit or a dizzying sense of non-entity as people have looked though and past me. I think this can best be illustrated by a simple incident which occurred several years ago.

I released Separating Fact from Fiction in 2007. It is a book about my realities of consensual slavery in the 21st century. A book club was reading the book and invited me to come to one of their meetings to engage in the discussion as the author. When I arrived, someone I had known for several years asked me why I was there.  They had no idea that Shannon Reilly (both my pen name and the first legal name I have ever had--adopted and this was my name prior to the adoption) was me.

I was invisible. I was a ghost. People who see me now only remember my partner as the owner of the Cell Block. They don't even remember me being there as anything more than a quiet shadow who made whips. No one remembers NCEdge, though it was the first edge-play only weekend event in the south and was held in my club for two years. If they do remember it, they remember my business partner again or his other former girl as the face. Not me...not the one behind the scenes making bologna sandwiches for a hundred people the first year because before we changed venues, we included meals as part of the weekend package.

I ranted about this last year at the MsC to my friends. I watch others being held up as pillars of the community knowing that despite having known those same "pillars" for years, few even know my name. 

It isn't that I want awards or statues that will collect dust, or even to be included in the mutual masturbation society that many of the events seems to cater to. I want to be seen...known...remembered. I think that's a very human desire. Add to that desire the fact that I don't want to have to scream it from the rooftops that I'm awesome, and I remain invisible.

Last year at the MsC, Laura mentioned that she had never spoken to her Daddy or family about her desire to earn leather and so she hadn't--until she voiced her desire. I suppose I am guilty of the same thing. I thought my participation in the Leather Community and observation of the traditions of our community spoke loudly enough to my own desire to see my accomplishments recognized by family and friends. It is clear I was mistaken.

I have lived in three long-term power exchange relationships. These were relationships of years at a time and yet I've apparently never distinguished myself enough to earn a collar. The ones I wore during those times were decoration, not formal declarations of my position in the relationship. But I have helped design and officiate at more than one collaring ceremony. The leather vest I wear to show my colors at events I purchased for myself long after purchasing the vest for an owner for the same purpose. I designed the family patch not only for my own family now, but for the family I believed I would live within for life. I wear only my patch because apparently the one for whom I designed a patch those many years ago did not feel I deserved the honor or connection of wearing it when we were together. I don't own boots, though I can certainly care for them and have rescued and presented boots to others. I wouldn't dream of wearing a cover, but I have ensured that others are aware of the dedication and love demonstrated by family members by purchasing and bestowing their cover. 

In short, I demonstrated in every way I believed it was possible, short of screaming "What about me?" that I believe in the traditions. I uphold the traditions. I want them upheld for me. But how does that happen for a ghost?

Think about it for a moment. How many times have you met me? How many times have you seen me quietly serving an owner or at a gathering? Do you know my name? I don't hide it from the community. I don't use Shannon for anything but writing. I use my full, legal name all day, every day. But do you know my first name? Or do you know only my screen name...

I am a ghost in the community. Someone who does the things which need to be done and slips silently back to the shadows. I am the one in the background holding up the structure while others are pushed to the forefront and held up as examples. I am the one who catches those who fall when reaching toward the lights and that is why you see only the shadows. So often we are blinded by the light of the "stars" in the community, the ones who shout and flash and scream, that we forget the arms which catch us, the words which soothe us, the smiles that flash briefly from the dark before we are bedazzled yet again.

Those of us who live in that darkness, who often hide ourselves to shove those we serve into the light for others to see, we care if you see us. We care if you notice us, especially as we serve you. We care if we are not only in the shadows but invisible.

June MBBDSM Munch

Well, there were a bunch of people there, some I knew and some I didn't. It was nice to see S and J and littleone again and meeting R and G and J was cool.

The topic didn't interest me much, but it did spark an interesting idea on the way home. I'm going to go over to submissive forum and post a question about reaching subspace with or without pain.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.