This was a hard time for me...a time when I came to grips with sharing JD.

Why is it that the simplest questions can make my heart thump in my chest and make my soul ache?
I was chatting online with one of the FAPEX members that attended the B&N meet and greet on Saturday. Louis pointed out to me that he thought another of the attendees was very interested in JD. The moment I read those words and remembered the discussion in the parking lot about inviting others to the hotel room after the meet and greet, my heart started hammering in my chest and tears welled up in my eyes.
Later, Louis asked what I thought JD's reaction might be to Gloria if she asked to scene with him. He also asked what I would think of it. Again the tears burned my eyes as I realized I had not considered these questions myself and had no idea what JD's response might be.
When JD asked if I would consider him as my Dom and asked that I not scene with anyone else, I gladly agreed. I don't want any other Dom right now. I want to spend the time and energy I have to spare for such a relationship on Him. I realized today that while I had agreed to this stipulation in our relationship, He had not, in so many words, done the same.
I also realized that the crushing weight in my chest from stifling the tears brought up by Louis's question was part fear of loss and part utter jealousy. I've never claimed that I don't get jealous I'm perfectly capable of being a raving lunatic when I feel threatened and Louis' question made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like it one bit.
The fact that I don't know for certain what JD's feelings are on the subject is, of course, increasing my anxiety. I think he did his usual, "I don't have to say anything because it's obvious what I mean," but I don't know for sure.
Because of that uncertainty, I've had to examine my feelings should he wish to accept another submissive at this time. The conclusion to which I have come is this. I am not willing to accept moving that far down on his list of priorities at this time. Our relationship is far too new to survive such a stress and I am certain that should he choose another submissive, I would no longer be his submissive. Friend, yes, but I think that my heart simply couldn't take it right now.
Trusting JD as my Dominant requires a certain level of emotional connection. Right now, the addition of another person to the mix would be too much for the fragile state of that connection.
I don't want to tell him what he can and cannot do, but i feel that i have the right to say what I will and will not do. And I will not play third chair. I must have a say in my emotional health and while i understand the concept of polyamoury and believe it myself, i think that the necessary emotional connection between me and JD is simply too fragile right now to take on another stressor. I know that my emotional well being would be severely harmed if another person were brought into the mix. I simply will not stay in the relationship if he makes such a choice.
I will remain his friend. I will stay with Sandhills and continue working toward the real time group that is the ultimate goal of that group. I simply will not be his submissive. I won't lie to myself and tell myself or him that it would be easy initially, but it would be done with decorum and consideration for all involved.
I am hoping that this soul searching is for nothing. I am hoping that his request of me was binding to him as well. I am hoping that this fragile beginning of a relationship will be given the opportunity to grow and mature into a full-fledged D/s relationship, as well as a close friendship. But i am also scared that it won't.