i really hate the beginning of any kind of new relationship. There's always that annoying time period as each person involved in the relationship feels out the other person's boundaries and learns his or her excentricities. This is the hardest time for me because i have to walk a tight wire, balancing between my natural inhibitions and frigid tendencies and my need to be accepted by those around me.
i tend to be 'clingy' despite my every effort not to be. i know i do this and i try to tone it down, but i also know that many people are annoyed by it.
For so long i was the silent one sitting in the corner of the room, shielding myself from everyone with veneer of ice and hostility. In relationships where distance isn't an option, i find myself overcompensating to make up for my discomfort.
If i've done everything within my realm of control to ensure that someone knows i'm open and friendly and likeable and they still stomp on my heart and soul, i can comfort myself with the thought that "i did everything i could." This has been my only line of defense for the past several years. i'm not saying it works, because it really doesn't, but until i find an alternative, or until i find those people in the world like me (those who are exactly as they appear), it's the only thing i've got.
i know i'm not an easy person to deal with on a daily basis. i can be demanding, argumentative, neurotic, and pushy. But burried beneath those surface annoyances is someone who is truly concerned with the welfafe of those she cares about. The demanding, argumentative, and pushy bitch is there fighting for what is best for those she considers friends and family. The neurotic is just me, sorry...stuck with that one :).
At the begginning of a new realtionship, be it strictly friendship or more involved, all parties are struggling with what to share and what to hold close to the vest. In a relationship that asks for my unwavering trust, such as between a Dom and a sub, so many more variables come into play.
I'm inherently insecure. i have trouble finding value in my own company and often wonder why people bother with me. When someone hurts me, whether it be the primary relationship or tangential, i push EVERYONE away. The walls go up, the bridges are burned and i retreat to that shell where the cold bitch sits guard while the real me cries her eyes out and wonders why people lie to each other.
i want so very much to trust MasterJD. i sincerely want our new relationship to build from these first tentative steps to a lasting friendship (one with extra benefits is always nice, but a good friend is worth more than anything else). Because i want this so much, i feel myself pushing, seeking approval, asking for more than i have any right to expect. i'm afraid that one day He'll look at me and say something ugly, turn on a heel and never look back like so many others have in my life. This fear isn't a reflection of what i think of His personality or integrity, it is a reflection of my own insecurities. I'm afraid that by opening myself to Him, daring to trust Him, i'm once again setting myself up for destruction.
These expectations aren't fair to Him and i apologize now. This journal is meant as a place for me to work out my emotions, fears, concerns, and ideas, so i'm doing that. This is the place for me to write the things i have trouble saying because the words catch in my throat.
I know i've rambled and made little sense.