First Thoughts from MsC

The MsC is always a tough time for me. I rarely get that kind of time to be immersed in the world I love and be with the people I enjoy. I may live my life as part and parcel of Leather, but how often do any of us get to go and be ourselves without the societal facade we present to the rest of the world. And as wonderful as it is to drop most of our facade and shields, it can be jarring and painful to come back to our lives...to shoulder that masking shield and go back to who we are when others—outsiders--are watching.

And for an introvert, 515 other people in close proximity for four days can be exhausting. My public face and ability to maintain any sort of energy and control usually has a shelf life of 48 hours. Double that and you'll see me dash into a bathroom stall to take a few deep breaths, curse the tears back into my eyes, and remind myself that I am fine.

I know that as I continue to decompress, more thoughts may come, but I want to share a few important lessons I learned this weekend.

As those who know me can attest, I am hard-headed and sometimes it takes a hell of a mule kick to get me to stop hurting myself and those around me. I can chew on something that hurts until it is so deep and so infected with my own interpretations and pain that it never heals. But that isn't what I want for my life. It isn't what feeds me. It isn't what I deserve. So I made the conscious decision to let go. To let go of the pain. To let go of the need to be in control. To let go of the desire to be hurt by things I cannot control or affect. And you read that right. I had to first acknowledge that I was making the choice to be hurt by these things before I could admit I had the power to let go of them.

I realized that my desire to be in control of myself is also a way to control those around me, including the man with whom I am currently under consideration. I realized that every limit I put on what I “need” or feel entitled to, chokes off the authority of this man and cheats both of us of the power and value of surrender and vulnerability. I can't say that I won't ever feel like I “need” to know something or “deserve” to have something, but when I do, I have committed to examining these things, evaluating if they are true needs and then sharing those with him in order to continue to dialog about building our relationship.

I realized that by refusing to let go and be vulnerable with this man, I was cheating us both out of what I know, and he knows, an M/s relationship can be. The more I hold back parts of myself, the less I am in service and the more I am simply paying lip service to the concept. If I cannot let go of my past and the pain and the distrust and allow him to see the deepest, bloodiest, most selfish parts of myself, then I am not serving him. I am serving myself and doing a piss-poor job at that.

I realized that by refusing even a small request based solely on my own dissatisfaction with myself and the fabricated constructs I had imposed on the relationship I was cheating and hurting us both. I was bringing myself more pain as he reacted to my resistance and further imposing those same fabricated constructs because I felt justified in doing so based on his reactions to my inaction. It was a vicious circle and I have broken the current one and set my brain to watch for future ones in order to head them off before they can do more harm.

I realized that I am powerful and valuable and loveable. I have never believed these things with the level of conviction I have right now. I do not have to fit anyone else's definition of slave to be who I am to those I might serve. I do not have to give up being powerful to surrender authority. I do not have to denigrate my own value to make myself available for service. I do not have to pretend I don't need to connect on a deep emotional and spiritual level in order to be healthy and fulfilled in service. And I know I am worth the effort and investment it takes to get to know me, to accept authority over me, and to be responsible for me as a servant.

As I said, I am sure more will come with time and decompression, but these are the key things I have learned and wanted to share with others.


I admit to getting into the car to come home still filled with the pain and anger I had carried through a majority of the weekend only to have my soul finally stand up and scream that if I didn't knock it off, I was going to suffer so deeply that I might not recover. There was a nearly audible click as many of the things I had thought and heard and considered during the weekend came together and suddenly none of what had made me cry before we left the hotel mattered. None of the “inequality” I was fabricating made a damn bit of difference. If I am to be the slave I know I am, I have to surrender authority to the one I serve and in doing so, accept that the choices he makes regarding my day to day life are done with thought and consideration for all involved, including me. I had to understand that being hurt is a choice based on no one but me. To know that I am not the center of the universe and that things aren't done to me, I do them to myself. At that moment I was free to be me. The powerful, competent, valuable, loveable slave...no boundaries, no constraints. I have never felt more free than I did at that moment and I thank everyone who helped me over the past 13 years of my journey to this place.