Monday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't really know that I have much to say right now. It seems so long since I last talked to you and I must admit that the cynical and ugly part of me is telling me you have disappeared and I won't hear from you again. After the news I learned this weekend it is so hard to trust that you will call, will want to see me again, will be honest with me. I'm afraid and fear makes me think self-defeating thoughts.

I have this desire to please others, often to the detriment of my own well-being. At the same time I feel I am not good enough for anyone, that I do not meet the expectations of those I wish to please.

And while I think these self-serving and horrible things, I also pray that nothing awful has happened to you. I hope that you are well. But if you are well, then I am left with the question: Why have I heard nothing at all from you since last Tuesday?

Silence is the hardest thing for me to deal with. It leaves me vulnerable to the doubts that plague me daily. I would ask, if something like this happens in the future, that you let me know approximately how long you will be gone. I can be patient as long as I know there is an end. The uncertainty and the waiting are simply too reminiscent of others who have taken advantage of my trusting and giving nature.

I can become rather insecure at times. Often all I need at those times is to hear (or see) the words, "Everything is fine." This is becoming one of those times. I don't need details. I don't want to know every movement you make unless you wish to share them with me. I only need to know if you will be coming back eventually or should I move on.

Yes, what I learned this weekend is coloring how I feel right now. It is devastating to learn for certain that someone I genuinely cared for lied to me from the very first moment I met him. It makes it very hard for me to trust you, not because of you but because of me. The lack of contact just increases my anxiety.

If what I am asking seems to be too much or too clingy, please let me know. I know that I cannot go through the silent treatment again. I know now that his weeks of silence were because he was with his wife and couldn't get away long enough to lie to me some more. That makes every silent moment from anyone else that much harder to deal with.

I know I'm tired and that makes me melancholy. I've also missed you and wished to talk to you. I don't know what else to do or say at this point. Eventually I will reach a point where I will close myself off and try to heal again.