Sep. 25th, 2002

• 8:50 AM

Well, I was up until 3 am "discussing" what happened yesterday.

He did apologize. In essence, the whole thing boiled down to being my fault because I made him feel like I "wanted" you but didn't "want" him.

And despite 10 years experience with me and my behavior, he believed that I invited him to sit next to me on the couch so that we could "play." Never mind how much I hate getting messed up again after showering and getting dressed for work.

He wanted to know why, if you thought there might be a problem, you went along with it all...I didn't know what to say to that.

He also insisted that I tell you if we (you and I) discuss the relationship between him and me, I will tell him what was said.

Not a single private thought...not a single private moment. I'm still angry. I still feel violated, worse now that I know for sure he KNEW he was taking advantage of the situation. He was furious that I finally "gave in" after YOU said to relax and enjoy it. He only heard that once, not the six or seven times you said it as I continued to fight him.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I have no idea what to do next. I want to scream and yell and bang my head against a wall at the same time.

He can be a serious asshole sometimes. I guess it's just easier to forget or rationalize that it's my fault when no one else sees it. When someone else points out his behavior...it's very hard to move on from it.

This isn't your fault. Please don't think it is. Thank you for caring enough about me to say something. Oh, and I mentioned that part of why you and I talked about this yesterday is that your "protective" streak would cause you to say something or step in if you saw similar behavior. His reaction was exactly what I told you it would be. "He'd be gone." were his exact words.

I'm not "allowed" to see you again until he gets his time and that's being pushed back to Saturday. I'd still be happy to watch Brandon for the days you work. I hate this. I hate that it is all my fault. I hate that despite what I might say, how I might feel, my crime of not paying more attention to him is far more grave than his effective rape of my body.

I shouldn't be dumping this on you. I'm sorry. I'll shut up now and things will go back to normal.

Call me or something and let me know if we're Puppy sitting.