I didn't mean to make you feel bad last night. I guess I need to explain a few things to make how I felt last night make more sense for you.

1. Collars
In the past, any collar I wore was at the whim of the dominant I was with. I gave it to them and they put it on me or told me I could wear it when they chose. As such, I feel really uncomfortable wearing a collar without permission. Last night, I didn't have your permission to wear my collar and so I didn't...that left me feeling very ungrounded and uncomfortable. We have never discussed how "permanent" the collar is between us...as in, is it only for when we're together or can it be worn at any time. I would be proud beyond recognition to wear a collar for you all the time, but again, that is something we have not discussed.

2. Lifestyle Events
I am terribly uncomfortable attending lifestyle events without the dominant I am with. Sounds silly, doesn't it, considering that I'm the one who plans these things. However, it is entirely true. The only thing that makes it bearable for me to attend them "alone" (I realize R is with me, but there is a difference), is to wear a collar...and I've already covered this ground.

3. Disappointment
I absolutely understand your work schedule and the simple physical need to sleep. You know I'm concerned with your health and would never begrudge you anything that you need to stay healthy. That doesn't mean I didn't want to see you, didn't want you to be part of the beautiful ceremony, didn't want to spend time with you. Understanding does not preclude disappointment and disappointment doesn't mean I think you did anything wrong. Disappointment is actually rather selfish on my part. I wanted so very much to be with you...to not be the only submissive in the room without her dominant, without a collar. I wanted to spend time with you; time that would be uninterrupted by nosey roommates or possibly state troopers. It was utterly selfish of me and I do recognize that.

Does any of this make sense? This is very much how my brain works when it comes to things like this. I am so afraid to assume things, to go farther than I should that I err on the side of caution, even when it leaves me feeling untethered and lost as I did much of last night. I won't do things, even if they would make me feel better, without your permission (like wear your collar). This fear isn't your fault...it's the accumulation of several things culminating in the last jerk who called himself a dominant.

I think I talked to you about boundaries at the very beginning of our relationship...how I need them to feel secure. This was a boundary we hadn't discussed and so when I came to it and could see no clear-cut answer I got uncomfortable (emotional).

I'm looking forward to lunch on tuesday. Did you want me to bring something to cook or did you want to go out? Let me know so I can plan for it.