Sep. 24th, 2002

• 7:36 AM

I am just checking mail and whatnot, waiting for your call to tell me you are close to the house. Know what I really want when you get here? A huge, strong, long hug and some good cuddling :D.

Be careful...I'll see you soon.

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 Sep. 24th, 2002

• 8:41 PM

Something you said to me on the phone today made me think.

I am a coward. It is easier and more peaceful for me to give in rather than stand my ground when R gets the way he was today. I hate confrontation so I swallow my pride and anger and go along with him. If this brings me pain, I guess that is my penance for being a coward.

Over the years I've tried to stand up to him on this issue...I've tried to explain to him that it is my body and sometimes I simply am not in the mood. He takes that to mean he needs to convince me or persuade me to be in the mood. When I tell him that "no" is simply "no" he starts screaming about how I should not get to make all the decisions when it comes to sex.

With him, everything is on a balance sheet. He wants exactly the same of everything I might give to anyone else. He also wants to make sure to assert his "ownership" of me at every chance. I can't tell you how many times i've been on my way out the door to see you (or in the past, the others in my life) and he insists on sex or sexual contact so that he gets "his" before I leave.

I'm a coward. I give in to him to have peace in my home and then let it eat at me. Not healthy, I know.

He was pissy this morning because I was online last night when I got home, then fell asleep in bed when he wanted sex...didn't matter what I may or may not have wanted...he wanted it, didn't get it and so got pissy with me about it.

The constant fight of having him grab me like you saw today is exhausting sometimes too.

You mentioned that I don't say no to you. You don't make me feel like what I do with you is an obligation. You don't make me feel like if I say no to you, for whatever reason, that you're going to lord it over me and make me unhappy until I give in. That makes me far less likely to say no.

I shouldn't be dumping this on you. I just wanted to tell you that I do realize what a damned coward I am.

Sleep well and long...get healthy again...and thank you for caring so much :).