I'm so tired today. We didn't get to sleep last night (this morning) until after 5. I hope you made it home safely.

I've been thinking about why I got so upset last night. I honestly don't know. I know I was thinking about how decidedly uncomfortable and embarassing your request would be, but it also terrified me. If you want to know that I think of you throughout the day, are there other ways to do it? I don't like feeling that I've disappointed you or like i'm pushing you to do something in a way you'd rather not, but the mere thought of what you asked last night has me in tears again and I don't even know for sure why.

I think the lack of sleep has left me overly emotional. I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I got up at 9:30 when R's alarm went off and finished my lecture for my training class and posted it. I'm honestly too tired to give serious consideration to the discussion in the class so I'm not even going to attempt it yet.

I did have a couple of questions:
1. Do you want me to call and let you know when I've arrived and/or am leaving Fayetteville?
2. Will you please consider a different option for knowing that you're on my mind throughout each day? I don't like telling you "no," but I just can't do it. Something about that request raises an irrational terror in me and I can't get past that right now.

I'll be leaving between 1 and 2...you should be able to reach my cell phone by 2.
Groups:Griffin, bitchlist, Victoria
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Sep. 3rd, 2002

10:15 PM

I'm sorry to have worried you today. Just as you know you periodically have times when you need to be alone, I know I periodically have times when the world feels like it has rolled over me and left behind little more than a tiny smudge.

Usually these episodes are preceded by stressful events. R's unemployment runs out on Wednesday of next week. His business isn't doing well and he hasn't looked for a job outside the business in four months. He made $900 last month and we can't live on that. Add to my worries on that front the feeling that I'm pushing myself as far and fast as I can to help take up the slack while he argues with people on some list online and the stress levels boil over. I know my statement above isn't the full truth. I also know that it is harsher than I would ever actually say to him. I don't want to anger you by sharing these things, I just want you to understand what set me off and running this morning.

Yes, the thought of the request you made yesterday terrified me, but that was an amplified reaction. Mostly I think my body needed a physical release of the tension I've been allowing to build for weeks and the crying was as good a way as any.

Now for the "bad" news. I did not do what you asked me to do as far as the anal training. You told me to use the plug three times each day and I did not do it at all today.

It embarasses the heck out of me to even think about it, to be absolutely honest. If I ask R to help me, he takes it as an invitation to have sex. If I don't, I have to explain why I don't want his help but I need some privacy. He almost never leaves the house before I do. I have very little privacy and this is something I feel requires privacy. I'm not saying I won't do it. I'm just telling you what is going on in my head. You wanted honesty...I will not hold things back or lie to you.

As for the anal experience from last night...it surprised the heck out of me that it didn't hurt. I know it is hard for me to relax enough for you to use my body this way because I am focused on maintaining control over my orgasm. There was something incredibly sensual about the feel of you sliding slowly into my body.


The orgasm control is hard for me. I fight it with each movement of your body. You are a skillful lover with a determined strength and sensual style. I could spend hours under you, above you, beside you and in front of you. I hope that my lack of "enthusiasm" isn't a problem. It certainly isn't an accurate representation of how you make me feel. Rather it is my iron control asserting itself.

Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? There are certain parts of my life in which I must maintain total control in order to feel safe. With you, I offer alll of them up and am left with only controlling my body to please you. It is an interesting dichotomy. I surrender control to you and you ask me to maintain it.

Have you ever heard of sub-drop or Dom-drop...it is the depressive feelings that often arise after an intense D/s scene. It can be experienced by either Dom or sub and the outcome is often similar to the triggers I had this morning. Yesterday was a particularly intense day for me. Prior to your arrival I was the hostess...an equal to all in attendance. When you arrived, there was a paradigm shift for me. Suddenly I belonged to you and not myself. The change in thought process hit when I realized what I had done in getting the bowl for Chris without asking your permission. The later physical aspects...I'm not one for public play of a sexual nature...it is embarassing for me, yet your desire to have me pleasure you overrode my usual prim self and I set to the task without a thought for the others in the room...that was a big step for me.

I think some of my depression and melancholy today may be a form of sub-drop. I know that talking with you and seeing you made me feel much better. I wasn't fishing for an invite...not overtly at least...but seeing you made a big difference.

I'm still exhausted and still a little down...there are so many factors contributing to my state of mind right now that I am going to feel down for a little bit...but I am feeling a lot better. Thank you for understanding. I'm trying very hard to obey you...I'm trying not to stress. I can't promise never, but I can promise to do all in my power to reduce my stress levels.