I wondered that in the car on the way home this evening. Just a thought since if you aren't, there are things I need to talk to you about.

It occurred to me this evening that sometimes I must seem terribly pathetic. I want very much to please the people I care about. I think that desire leaves me looking too eager sometimes. I don't want to disappoint, so I offer all I have. And, truth be know, in many cases I am eager because I want to spend time with you.

Some other things occurred to me, too.

I stopped myself last night. You mentioned turning 30 this year and my first inclination was to ask if you'd like a party. I stopped myself for two reasons (at least these are the ones I thought of).

1. Though it terrifies me to think about it, I know, realistically, that you could be deployed by then.
2. I don't want to "plan" because planning implies hope and I don't know if that is allowed.

Look, I know you are far more interested in swinging than poly. And right now that works for both of us. But ultimately, I am a polyamorous person. I genuinely care about the people in my life and with time that care may simply become too much for you. I'm not saying I'm madly in love with you, because I'm not. I care about you and I hope you care for me too. I just don't want to get hurt again...i'm gunshy as hell and I don't even know why I'm bothering to write all this down.

I guess what i'm ultimately saying is that a "real" relationship is possible and i'm certainly open to that possiblity. Not knowing if you are leaves me biting my tongue and keeping my distance.

Oh to hell with it...never mind anyway. I'm just rambling.