Oct. 9th, 2002

• 9:32 PM

Well, the crying jag I thought I'd avoided yesterday hit this morning after I talked to you. I realized that what happened hurt more than I was originally willing to admit.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it.

Up front, I want you to know that I'm not angry. I'm hurt and a little scared, but not angry.

I won't be playing with anyone but you and R. I'm just not set up that way. I need some sort of emotional bond or tie with someone in order to be comfortable being intimate with them. That doesn't mean I will gainsay you if you want to play with others. I only ask that you talk to me about it before hand. In fact, I thought we had discussed this before and that was what we had decided on. If that isn't the case, then I apologize for my assumption.

As for Theresa, I know we had talked about her before...about the three of us playing...or at least the three of us playing together the first time it happened. I think that is what hurt the most. Not only had you and I discussed just that...she and I had talked about it that morning. She knew how I felt about it, knew I wanted to be there. We talked about the scheduling difficulties.

To know it had been done hurt more than I had expected it to. And because of the discussions I'd had with Theresa that morning, I felt betrayed.

I got the feeling yesterday that you might have been feeling a little guilty and it helped that you told me you still wished it had been me with you.

I don't even know for sure why this hurt so much. I just know I hate feeling this way.

There are other things I want to talk to you about...my collar for one. I feel like I pressured you into it...for crying out loud, I bought it myself. I need to know if you really want me to wear it or if you put it on me to make me feel better.

I'm hoping we'll have time to talk tomorrow. I really need it. I don't often ask for anything from either you or R...today I've asked for two specific things...actually the same thing...Time with you. It took me days to work up the nerve to ask R about an overnight with you and when he said yes I was so excited. I have to admit I was disappointed that it fell through.

I feel like a selfish bitch complainer right now and I don't like that feeling. Really and truly all i want or need is some time with you...a chance to talk about some things that are on my mind.

I think I'm going to go offline now. I need to get my materials together for next session. I miss you.