Posts
The cynic in me still believes that you are likely with me because I am convenient and give my all for those I am with. This isn't a reflection of what I think of you. Rather it is a reflection of years of experience with that type of relationship. Deep down, I know from your own actions that this isn't the case. Sometimes there is this tiny hint of emotion within you that shines through suddenly and wipes away every fear and doubt I have ever had.
The realist in me knows that entropy is difficult to escape. Let's face it, if it were easy to change I wouldn't be facing my 8th anniversary with this huge sense of foreboding The realist in me also knows that relationships that begin physically rarely change to anything else.
I want you to understand that while I am not madly in love with you, I do care about you. Being with you reminds me of what it could be like to have a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me and wasn't solely focused on getting laid whenever and wherever they wanted. It reminds me of what I settled for ten years ago. It's not easy to face that.
Right now, there is something so painful inside my soul that I don't know how to get it out. You said no secrets...I don't think you bargained for this kind of disclosure and I'm sorry.
I have seriously considered leaving R three times. The first was before we joined the lifestyle...before we tried poly for the first time. I was certain he was fucking anyone he could (and though he denies it, I still believe he did these things). I went home for xmas and came back to North Carolina with the intent of wrapping up my affairs and moving back to PA. He convinced me to stay. Swore he hadn't done any of it. Within two weeks, I was facing the Scotland County crap and I stayed.
The second time was two years ago. We were involved in our first poly/BDSM relationship with another couple. This time it was the other eyes that saw how he treated me that made me recognize the behaviors I hated. I went so far that time to pack a bag to go stay with friends for a few days, to get some distance and space. He threatened to kill himself. I stayed. He swore he'd change. Stop treating me like an object. Stop forcing the issue (whatever the issue was) sexually when I said no. We left the lifestyle and he did stop for a while. But habits are hard to break and you've seen his behavior.
The third time has been in the last week or so since that day you visited here. Once again, someone else saw what I fight with internally every day. I've believed him so many times when he's told me his behavior isn't out of the ordinary that I doubt my own perceptions. No one seems to stay in our lives long enough for me to ask for an "outside" opinion...often because he does or says something that drives them away.
Now I'm at that place again...If I talk to him about it, he'll scream and carry on. He'll be sure to insist I stop seeing you. He'll blame you for my thoughts. He'll blame me for not meeting his needs. He'll blame anyone and everyone else. He didn't ever really understand during our talk last week that the real reason I was so upset was that he admitted he knew I didn't want the sexual contact but because he did, he pushed the issue knowing i'd give in.
Want to know what our biggest argument has always been? His sex drive and mine don't match. If I say no to him, I'm denying him what he needs. Why should I get to decided all the time whether or not we have sex. That's our biggest argument and always has been.
Want to know why our sex drives don't match? (because I know you're wondering considering how I am with you). I don't trust him. He hurts me on a regular basis. He believes "no" is an excuse to convince me. I feel like a piece of meat. Some of this is NOT fully his fault. There is a little psychological baggage left from when I had a ruptured ovarian cyst...he was the one to rupture it (we didn't know I had it until then). But the behaviors that perpetuate these feelings are his and have always been his.
You don't know how many people in our lives have come and gone and usually one of the last things they ask me is "Why are you with him?" There have been many folks who look at the two of us and at first they are willing to put up with him and his crap for the sake of being my friend. Any idea what it feels like to know that each of those people finally reached the conclusion that *I* wasn't worth the effort any more? How many people have turned and walked away from me, refusing to speak to me or have any contact with me because if they did they had to deal with him? And each time he had done something so awful that these people returned the favor, giving him the excuse of "Look at what they did to *us*. Do you really want them back in your life?"
I've probably scared you enough to send you running into the hills by this point. I'm sorry. I just needed to get some of this out of me before it kills me. I'm pretty realistic about my own limitations. I'm afraid to be alone. Hell is better when you're with someone else, I suppose. So many times I've been told I'm not desirable not worth the time and effort it takes to breech the defensive walls I keep up for my own protection.
I've taught people it's okay to treat me this way. I teach them that my company isn't worthy by bringing them presents and doing things for them to make up for what my company lacks. I know I do these things...like I said, I'm pretty realistic about myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment