Nov. 21st, 2002

• 12:37 AM

I haven't been writing. I don't have an excuse. It isn't that I conciously thought, "I'm not going to write." It's more that I see you nearly every day and talk to you. I do actually think "What damn difference does it make, he isn't reading it anyway." Not a very submissive thought, but the truth.

I'm scaring you off. I can see it in your eyes...the way you looked at me today. I can feel it in the distance you've been putting between us lately. I can be all-encompassing. It isn't something I do to make people crazy, it is just how I am. If I care about someone, I want to take care of them...make their life easier any way I can. And when I care for someone, the thought of them leaving for an extended period of time leaves me weepy.

You said something to me once that has repeated in my head since...left me wondering what you meant by it. You told me that even when you are with others, you still think of me and want to be with me. You said that it bothered you. I wanted to know why it bothered you and you changed the subject. I still want to know why it bothered you.

I know when you entered this relationship you considered me "safe." I was married, therefore there would be no messy emotional entanglements. That safety net is gone for you and though you try to pretend it doesn't bother you, it does. You are nearly as bad a liar as I am.

I don't know what I am trying to say here...Perhaps I am telling you that you have "permission" to care if you want to. Maybe I'm asking for permission from you to take the chains off of my emotions and let them go where they will without fetters. Maybe I'm just setting myself up to get dumped because you don't want more than someone to cater to you when you find it convenient (that is not an accusation...I don't really believe that of you but the doubts ringing in my head and yes, my heart, sometimes scream that at me).

You will be gone for nearly two months. Maybe this is a really good time for both of us to look at our relationship and decide if it is what we want or if there are changes we would want in order to be happy.

I am proud and happy as your submissive but there are times when that role hurts, when it feels like I've wandered into another role only to be pushed back into the box.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little untethered as our relationship takes a rather large turn toward change. I don't expect that you'll be celibate while you're gone. I also don't even know how you might feel about me going out and maybe dating. You seemed a little annoyed when I made that date to play Backgammon (which I got stood up for, btw). I guess I'm asking for a definition of boundaries.